Ex wanted a break, then came back

[Kristopher1]

To be honest, I believe my expectations were too much. I did absolutely everything for her, made her feel loved and was always there for her when she needed me, I guess I expected the same from her, and when I didn't see much at all, I guess that's where my insecurities started hitting in.

 

As we are currently distant from each other, we used to spend most of our time on skype talking to eachother via voice, webcam etc but lately it's just been via sms.

 

I asked her why you don't come online and talk anymore?

 

Her response was that she's busy most of the time and she's hardly home, she said why must she come online when we can just text eachother.

 

Seriously?

[Kristopher1]

Anyhow, It's past midnight here so I'm into DAY 5 of NC!

 

Going to sleep now, uni in the morning should keep me busy.

 

Have a good one all, g'night!

[flight E]

Its difficult but u will get by. U must understand that its just you doing this. Just you. Ur feelings for your ex and all that its really just you. U can decide dat no its enuf. I cant do dis to myself anymore. Most of us here are people who never seem to get over being dumped. Am sure that this is probably not your first. Just decide i know its hard. I am also advising myself as am advising u. Just thought today that maybe i should call my girl's friend and have a talk but i know in me it will achive nothing. Am only trying to keep a connectn when the person am trying to keep it with does not want it. I stopped myself u shld do likewise. Let it go

[TaraMaiden]

To be honest, I believe my expectations were too much. I did absolutely everything for her, made her feel loved and was always there for her when she needed me, I guess I expected the same from her, and when I didn't see much at all, I guess that's where my insecurities started hitting in.

 

As we are currently distant from each other, we used to spend most of our time on skype talking to eachother via voice, webcam etc but lately it's just been via sms.

 

I asked her why you don't come online and talk anymore?

 

Her response was that she's busy most of the time and she's hardly home, she said why must she come online when we can just text eachother.

 

Seriously?

 

When I talk about her Ego - listen.

 

She's a Classic Narcissist.

 

The bottom line is, that she will always, without exception, be looking to putting herself first.

Always.

 

it's a trait they can't help.

 

And they see nothing wrong with their behaviour.

 

In fact, objections to the way they behave, usually result in a "WTF...? What IS your problem?!?" response from them.

 

You've been dating a classic Narcissist.

And they have enough Charisma to charm the birds from the trees.

But they're damaged goods - and nothing you can say or do, will ever fix that.

[Am4Real]

Good one!!!

 

 

Hi, Kris....

 

Thanks for calling....

 

 

I suggest you read this thread, and take careful, particular notice of the advice given.

 

It's faultless.

It contains the best advice you'll ever receive.

 

I bet you wish I'd pointed it out sooner.....

[Phoebe]

I went back and read the rest of your posts regarding this relationship and have some questions.

 

Have you ever met this girl? I ask that because in this post (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/375710-long-distance-breakup-now-nc#post4635944) you say that you've known her since you were 14 but had to break contact because you were in another country.

 

Why did neither of you have any contact for 10 years? Because you say that you knew she was the one you wanted to be with and that she felt the same way. So why the silence for 10 years?

 

How long were you actually dating long distance before she broke up with you? You said after the first 3-4 months problems started to happened, but how long in total were you together?

 

How old is she? I'm figure that you're 24.

 

To me it seems like she has never been as into this relationship as you obviously are. I'm not sure what she was in it for, maybe the attention, maybe the gifts, the help learning english that you were providing, or maybe she really did like you and you just overwhelmed her. Maybe TaraMaiden is right and she's just a narcissit. You jumped headfirst into this LDR and I can understand you having deep feelings for her if she was there for you when your mum passed away 10 years ago. But it seems like you have made this girl your entire world in a short amount of time and that just isn't healthy. What hobbies do you have? What have your previous dating experiences been like?

 

As for the original breakup, I going to assume that she was telling the truth that her Grandfather had just had a heart attack, and that the family had gone to the hospital, were crying and scared that he was going to die (because that's a terrible thing to lie about). That was absolutely not the right time to say the below quote and I'm not surprised that she didn't want to speak to you anymore, it was very insensitive on your part.

I'm really sorry about your grandfather, I hope he recovers and I shouldn't have called you a liar but you're really making this relationship difficult because you're not helping.

 

If she cannot accept blame for anything and refuses to apologise in any situation then yes she has problems that she needs to address. If she constantly lies then again she has problems. But then if she's always lying why do you want a future with her? In my personal opinion breaking up with someone who constantly calls you a liar when you argue is not a mistake. It's good sense. Likewise it's good sense to break up with someone who constantly lies to you.

 

My recommendation is to stay strong with the NC, no good can come of this relationship. Maybe work on your own confidence, figure out if you are generally insecure in relationships or you've just grown that way in this one because of her lack of communication with you. Have fun. BTW big improvement on your avatar.

[Kristopher1]

Hi Phoebe,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my previous posts and of course making this post.

 

Find answers to your questions below!

 

I went back and read the rest of your posts regarding this relationship and have some questions.

 

Have you ever met this girl? Yeah I've met her on and off during the past 10 years when I went abroad/

 

Why did neither of you have any contact for 10 years? We had contact, but it wasn't a great deal, especially 10 years ago as we were too young, but she was always on my mind, as I was on hers. I say this as she was the one always reaching out to me asking how I was etc, so we really never lost contact. We both felt strongly for each other. We met a few times, talked, and everything was great. We often spoke of the future, and eventually being independent to finally be together properly.

 

How long were you actually dating long distance before she broke up with you?

We were together for 10 months before she broke up with me, she would often say how difficult LDR is, and it's true. You really need to trust one another more. However, how can I trust someone when I don't feel she genuinely wants to be with me? She had said a lot of "nice" things, but she doesn't show it to me to believe it. She says that it's my fault that she's not the person who she used to be anymore and that's why she's become distant. She constantly asked me to just be good to her, the way I used to be so that she can be the way she wants to be with me. During our relationship she said that she's got an ego, but according to her I was the first person to change that, and let her guard down. Sigh.

 

How old is she? She's 24, I'm 25

 

I remained the same as I always did when we started the relationship, she was also very much so into the relationship, however she became more distant, I believe she perhaps got used to the idea that I will always be there for her. The only thing that makes sense is that I did actually overwhelm her, or she had someone else. I don't understand how I overwhelmed her though..all I really did was try and talk to her, resolve our issues together but she kept saying that I was exhausting her, then what on earth am I supposed to do? let the constant bickering continue until it fades away itself?

 

Read on in response to your questions..

 

I've had my fair share of relationships in the past but I've never quite met someone like her, it's as if all she cares about is herself, and I'm the one who has to constantly ask her to come and talk to me, otherwise rarely would she come online her self. I told her this once and her response was "If I come online you expect me to be online all day, and If I have to go every 30 minutes or something, you will make a sarcastic comment saying oh, 30 minutes is all I get?" Which is not true at all. Another comment she made with reference to why she wasn't coming online was because "We will only just continue arguing with each other online" I don't get it, such nonsense.

 

TaraMaiden nailed it with the narcissist comment. We both jumped in with deep feelings for each other. Trust me I gave her space, I never forced her to do anything.

 

Hobbies? Football, Gym, Tennis the list goes on, I'm a very active person lol.

 

My previous relationships have been great as I said earlier, I never had a problem as I did with my current ex - girlfriend. What blew me away was how sometimes we would speak online, and she would ask her mother or father to bring her drinks, this, that etc, I'm like wtf? how lazy can you get? Her mother really likes me by the way, and would in a joking manner ask what on earth am I doing being with someone like her lol

 

When we broke up recently, she told me that when she was out that night and I accused her, she was actually involved in something similar to the very same reason she had broken up with me before when I had called her a liar.

 

She does apologize but not very often, she says why must I say sorry? If I've done something wrong I'll point it out what I did wrong and move on, there's no need to apologize. She most definitely has problems that she needs to address. It's like the world is turning round her. I don't know if she's a liar or not, I really don't. I assumed she is, but it's not right for me to call her one without proof, heck I'm not beside her, how can I know for sure? it's purely on instinct.

 

Yeah her lack of communication with me has just made me insecure for sure, I just believe if she loves me, she should be doing all she can, but it seems as if I'm telling her most of the time what to do to make things right...

 

I'll be staying NC...and you know, I don't really know if I want a future with her anymore. I know I love her... she always said that this isn't who she is, and it's because of the long distance relationship that she can't show her true self..so I guess I'm thinking the majority of the problems we had was just due to us being distant from each other..but even so, I'm prepared to work on it more with her...but I cannot be the one to get in contact with her..not gonna happen.

 

Thanks Phoebe

Edited May 6, 2013 by Kristopher1

[Kristopher1]

Day 6 NC!

[na49]

Wouldn't it be great if we could get inside their heads and figure out why they wanted to leave us in the first place? It's definitely not a knee jerk reaction, they think about it. It's just a shame that we never hear about it until it's too late.

[Kristopher1]

Wouldn't it be great if we could get inside their heads and figure out why they wanted to leave us in the first place? It's definitely not a knee jerk reaction, they think about it. It's just a shame that we never hear about it until it's too late.

 

Indeed, what a pitty. As the days go on, I feel as though I hate her more..I wonder if that hatred will eventually build up to a point where I won't be interested in her any longer. She has one hell of an ego, therefore I'll be surprised if she does initiate contact.

Edited May 7, 2013 by Kristopher1

[Kristopher1]

1 week of NC!

 

Even though I'm getting on with my life and thing's aren't that bad...I am still just utterly disappointed with my ex..I can't get my head around it.

 

What really gets me is when somebody opens up to you, says all these things about you and what you mean to them, then the next thing you know you've been dumped!

 

I told you I know this girl quite well, I can tell you that she's probably regretting what she's done, but she has so much pride, she probably expects me to contact her again and ask for another chance etc.

 

Not going to happen!

 

Despite her not having done really anything for me...I still blood miss her.

 

I'll update if anything happens...cheers everyone for the support, I really do appreciate it

[TaraMaiden]

If she's a Narcissist (and I do mean the clinical evaluation of, not simply an internet user's opinion....) then frankly, she's not regretting it at all.

 

In her mind, this is your fault, you've made your decision and if this is the way you want it, fine. You and your hissy fit....She's blameless.....

 

And in a way, that makes it even worse, because while you know that morally, in every way possible, you are definitely doing the right thing, she should at least be able to face this with a modicum of responsibility - but ego and pride makes her rise above it, and convince herself it's not her doing......

 

It's quite sickening really.

[Kristopher1]

If she's a Narcissist (and I do mean the clinical evaluation of, not simply an internet user's opinion....) then frankly, she's not regretting it at all.

 

In her mind, this is your fault, you've made your decision and if this is the way you want it, fine. You and your hissy fit....She's blameless.....

 

And in a way, that makes it even worse, because while you know that morally, in every way possible, you are definitely doing the right thing, she should at least be able to face this with a modicum of responsibility - but ego and pride makes her rise above it, and convince herself it's not her doing......

 

It's quite sickening really.

 

Thank you Tara once again!

 

What if she isn't a narcissist?

 

In some way or another it is partly my fault too for accusing her of being with somebody else correct? I said some somewhat nasty things with regard to her being with somebody and I raised my voice at her, something I never do...!

 

Even though she was the one who ended it with me, I'm thinking perhaps I was the one that possibly pushed her away to begin with?

 

So is it still the right thing to do to remain NC, instead of reaching out to her more? Keep in mind I did send her a few messages the following day after she broke up with me expressing my apologies, accepting the breakup and that also it would be a shame to throw this away, and whether or not she thinks its not worth it leaving this problems in the past and start from the beginning, however as I said she didn't respond.

 

I obviously don't want to put all the blame on her, I know I shouldn't have perhaps talked to her that way, therefore I just hope having said all this, NC is still the best way forward rather than talking to her a little more, but obviously not in the needy desperate way.

 

Then again, I feel as though she ended it with me in the "heat of the moment", I reached out a little in a non desperate way and got ignored..therefore she should be the one surely to come back or perhaps I need to make more effort?

 

What do you think?

Edited May 9, 2013 by Kristopher1

[TaraMaiden]

I think NC is 'getting to you' and you have begun to come up with all kinds of reasons, points and excuses to think that maybe, she isn't so wrong after all, and perhaps it wouldn't hurt to get in touch 'just one last time'....

 

In other words, you're weakening.

 

And that, in my book, is utterly unacceptable.

because if you DO listen to your wavering thoughts, and your resolve DOES crumble, and you DO contact her again - well.

 

I'll be done here....

 

 

[Kristopher1]

I think NC is 'getting to you' and you have begun to come up with all kinds of reasons, points and excuses to think that maybe, she isn't so wrong after all, and perhaps it wouldn't hurt to get in touch 'just one last time'....

 

In other words, you're weakening.

 

And that, in my book, is utterly unacceptable.

because if you DO listen to your wavering thoughts, and your resolve DOES crumble, and you DO contact her again - well.

 

I'll be done here....

 

 

 

 

Hey Tara,

Nooooooooooo don't be done here, I won't get in contact, I've already made that clear!

 

I'm just pointing out that I can't fully put the blame on her as I was also in the wrong, but I just want to believe that I've done all I can for her, and that the rest is in her hands now.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, it has to be said; it takes two to tango.

The difference as far as I can ascertain here, is that you're admitting your part.

 

She has done nothing of the kind....

[Kristopher1]

She responded..

 

She said "hi how are you? I'm really angry with you but I've been thinking about you a lot..I miss you..why do you accuse me and think wrongly of me so much? If you think this way about me we have no hope together.. I didn't want things to happen this way but now the only thing i'm thinking about is my studying, I've got very little time"

[TaraMaiden]

I trust you're not even thinking of replying.....

 

 

.......Right....?

[CelticGibson]

Oh man, she is trying to whip you into complying. Notice the threats of "no hope" if YOU do not act the way that she wants? This message is loaded with demands and threats, not love and compassion. Don't fall for it. Go no contact and stay no contact.

[Kristopher1]

As desperate as I am..no I won't reply...

 

Elaborate more Tara!

[Kristopher1]

I've received another message from her:

 

"I miss you so much all of a sudden"

 

How shall I proceed?

 

Thanks all

[itto ogami]

"Even though she was the one who ended it with me, I'm thinking perhaps I was the one that possibly pushed her away to begin with?"

 

You're trying to negotiate with her iN YOUR OWN HEAD. This is a mistake.

 

And the whole situation to me reads as pretty shaky.

 

YOU need distance more than her I think. You think there's a magic bullet that will bring her to you. And the only one available is NO CONTACT.

[TaraMaiden]

I've received another message from her:

 

"I miss you so much all of a sudden"

 

How shall I proceed?

 

Thanks all

 

Oh shaddup....!

 

You REALLY need to ask.....?!

[Kristopher1]

Well I haven't contacted her since, I've received two messages from her, this one being the latest so I'm wondering whether or not she's trying to reach out to me, shall I ignore it? I would certainly like to get back together with her if it's possible, but I don't want to respond just yet if it's not the right thing to do.

[Kristopher1]

Oh shaddup....!

 

You REALLY need to ask.....?!

 

I guess not