Ex wanted a break, then came back

[TaraMaiden]

I guess not

 

Damn right....

Breadcrumbs from a Narcissist... Now, what could they POSSIBLY mean.....?

 

[Chi townD]

She responded..

 

She said "hi how are you? I'm really angry with you but I've been thinking about you a lot..I miss you..why do you accuse me and think wrongly of me so much? If you think this way about me we have no hope together.. I didn't want things to happen this way but now the only thing i'm thinking about is my studying, I've got very little time"

 

 

OOKKAAY.....So, that's kind of a contradiction. Which one is it? Is she thinking of you or her studies?

 

The only thing that made sense in that text was the one thing you two have in common. She states that she has very little time and you have very little time to be playing games....

[siankat]

I've received another message from her:

 

"I miss you so much all of a sudden"

 

How shall I proceed?

 

Thanks all

 

I read your threads.

 

Relationship dynamics are very hard to break.

Seems you put your lot in with her and she didn't you to the same extent. It is give and take in relationships but it looks like she was more the taker while you were giving..giving ...giving..

And sometimes the best thing to do (in hindsight) is to step back when someone is acting up, get on with your life because you SHOULD have a life outside them as well not matter how much you love them and even BECAUSE you love them! It's healthy, makes you whole - there should be two equals in relationship with different strengths ideally. So, get on with your life and just let them unfold and do what they want and be very careful not to respond with 'how high?' when they say 'jump'. And that includes what she is writing you now.

 

I don't know either of you and do not have a crystal ball and even if i did it would be for decoration only... You know you, what you can and can't take. You know how she is towards you and like i say, once someone gets away with bad behaviour once, it leaves the door wide open for more. Everyone needs boundaries, even the most respectful of people need keeping in line if they step outside. I think you have suffered enough, ran around enough after her, i know you have energy for more but, if you can, and you should want to, get on with your life. There is nothing more liberating knowing that you are with someone because it's a choice and not a need. That is the best place to be in a relationship. If you are a good person you will honour the union you are in, as you do. But u cannot make up someone elses half as it seems you were doing.

 

Ultimately - what's in bold

[Kristopher1]

Thank you all very much.

 

I do love her, but until she comes back to me apologizing, and making it perfectly clear to me that she's made a mistake, and wants to make things right, I'll continue with NC.

 

I can say however, as utterly outrageous it sounds, it takes a great deal of effort for her to come and text me she misses me. She wouldn't do anything like that for anybody important to her.

 

I'll update here if she sends anymore messages, would be great to get some feedback from you all.

Edited May 15, 2013 by Kristopher1

[Amelie1980]

Thank you all very much.

 

I do love her, but until she comes back to me apologizing, and making it perfectly clear to me that she's made a mistake, and wants to make things right, I'll continue with NC.

 

I can say however, as utterly outrageous it sounds, it takes a great deal of effort for her to come and text me she misses me. She wouldn't do anything like that for anybody important to her.

 

I'll update here if she sends anymore messages, would be great to get some feedback from you all.

 

Why not just tell her that.

[Kristopher1]

Why not just tell her that.

 

If you're referring to the part where I said she needs to apologize, then I rather she came forward without me having to say anything to her. Perhaps I'm mistaken?

[TaraMaiden]

Amelie - No.

 

Read his history.

His ex is marginally more fuqued-up than yours is.

 

This is no time to be encouraging him to - 'put his hand in the fire' again.

[Blckrooster46]

Yeah it does seem like you gave more than you took in this thing, let her stew in her bad decision and realize the mistake she made , but get on i your own way even if that means burying those feelings and pretending they aren't there. I was a mess at first but I have put things in perspective now (A friend of mine just past away and while it made me miss her more than ever it made me realize how minuscule my problems are) and am moving forward, I still want her back and will always love her but I am not going to let it hinder my life anymore. If she wants to come back one day and I am willing to forgive her then maybe we will get back, but I don't want to sit around and wait for that day; we are young good looking guys with all kinds of possibilities out there. Oh and Tara I don't care if this is "Thread Jacking," I am relating to this guy and I would also like some of your tough advice, so bring it on you red lipped vixen!

[TaraMaiden]

People fail to realise that dwelling in the past, trying to analyse, define, understand and rationalise everything is frankly, completely impossible.

To be able to do that, you'd have to be able to Mind-Meld, and as far as I am aware, Vulcans are a fictitious race.

 

Coping with a break-up, is never about 'them', what they did, why they did it, what they're doing now, why they're doing it, how they must be feeling, why they must be feeling it, and when, how, what....

 

Coping with a break-up is about focusing, on yourself.

 

Because we can never 'second-guess'.

It's impossible.

 

We'd never get straight, consistent, clear, honest answers from them..never to a satisfactory level... and never answers that would stop us asking questions.

They'd actually just generate MORE questions.....

 

It's never about what is going on with them.

It's always about what we're doing to make things better, easier and less painful - for ourselves.

Edited May 15, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[BC1980]

That is such good advice. When my ex broke up with me a month ago (together for 3 yrs. and he bought me a ring), I was driving myself crazy trying to analyze everything. I emailed him a few times with all the typical stuff about where we went wrong, can't we try to fix it, blah, blah, blah. I'm pretty sure it pushed him further away, but I learned one thing. Like Tara said, you will never get the answers you are looking for, and it only generates more questions. It's a sick cycle.

 

I went NC last Thursday, and it's the first time I have felt somewhat okay since the breakup.

[rainmayker]

I feel for you and I'm even angry for you.

 

My ex-gf dumped me "blindsided" (abruptly, with no warning). She seemed like she was in a hurry, too.

 

I later found out she had been talking to "an old friend" just a three days before she dumped me. They talked all night long for three days straight, then she dumped me on the fourth day. DURING the breakup, she messaged him on Skype WHILE she was breaking up with me. How ****ed up is that?

 

After one month of sulking, crying, and being unable to move, I finally called her and asked her for the 'real' reasons why. We ended up yelling and screaming, and she mentioned this guy several times. I probed and she told me a lot more than she wanted. Basically, she cheated on me and left me for that loser. Then, the dead giveaway was when she threatened to hang up the phone if I mentioned him again. I did, and then she proceeded to declare that she no longer wishes to have me in her life.

 

Oh, by the way, she hasn't taken me off of her FB, Skype, and hasn't blocked me from her phone. She replies to me, too (just with "I'm doing fine" or "I'm not in the mood to talk right now" messages).

 

I don't know what she's thinking or what she wants, but clearly, she had been hiding this for some time now. Now, I know where she's going for her vacation in September, which clarifies a lot of things for me. I am able to move on now that I have figured all of this out.

 

I believe that she wanted to keep me as a "backup" plan, as we had few issues prior to the breakup. We were pretty happy together, actually. Anyhow, hope my story helps you out.

[BC1980]

Your situation sounds so much like mine. My ex has been very back and forth, hot and cold, at times. When I went no contact, it took him all of 2 dys. to text me. From the outside, I would say leave this girl alone, but I can't even take my own advice.

 

At the very least, she needs time alone to sort through her feelings. I mean, several months. But you can't give her multiple chances. Why do we torture ourselves over these people?

[Kristopher1]

Hi again,

 

I received another message from her..

 

"I want us to be together again, but because I'm so busy with my exams at the moment, I'm not around much, if I say how I feel now and we be together, you will be upset that I can't be available to you right now because of my exams, and you will think I don't want to be with you"

Edited May 17, 2013 by Kristopher1

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah....

 

 

...So?

 

Remember what she is.

 

She's basically telling you in a nutshell, 'we'll get together when I'm good and ready, because I call the shots here."

 

Jeesh, let the damn thing go, will you??

 

Why have you not deleted her number, blocked her, and sent back the 'text-blocker message'....?

I'm beginning to think you just hang on because you're loving the drama....

 

Her texts don't matter.

 

Her Texts Don't MATTER.

[aisuru]

Just keep ignoring her. She's playing with you right now.

 

You seem to recognize this.

[Leigh 87]

Think logically. Forget about your love for her for a second, and read these simple facts:

 

- being in a relationship with a person you love can be lovely. I do not blame you for wanting to make it work.

 

- you do realise there are OTHER women out there, who would give you the love and attention you deserve.

 

- this girl is NOT the only one out there for you

 

- why cling onto this one girl, when you could move on with NC, and find a girl who would love you TOO MUCH to leave you

 

- repeat: you could find another girl who you love, and who loves you back; who adores you and who you could have wonderful relationship with.

 

...........

 

 

Your holding onto something instead of moving on and finding a girl who treats you better!

 

THIS GIRL IS NOT the only one out there who you will love!

 

...............

 

 

 

And I have recently lost a guy AND my dogs after almost 3 years together. We lived together and were together every fcking day.

 

I KNOW how much it hurts.

 

I was in denial about NC initially, because we just had a lot of fun together, and as a women who does not normally like relationships, it is hard for me to let go of the ONLY man who was awesome enough to keep me interested for years.

 

There ARE other men out there though who will be just as fun to be with as my ex!

 

There ARE other women out there who you will love just as much as this girl!

[Kristopher1]

She's basically telling you in a nutshell, 'we'll get together when I'm good and ready, because I call the shots here."

 

I realize this Tara.

 

Jeesh, let the damn thing go, will you??

 

I haven't contacted her, as far as I'm concerned I'm getting on with my life. Of course I still think of her because I do love her.

 

Why have you not deleted her number, blocked her, and sent back the 'text-blocker message'....?

I'm beginning to think you just hang on because you're loving the drama....

 

I don't love the drama at all, I said if it was possible to get back together with her then I'd want to do so, but as you said she needs to open up and let me know that she regrets the breakup, it is the biggest mistake she's made and she's willing to do anything to resolve the problems, correct? I'm just updating here when she does send me a text, I can get some clarification on how it's going!

 

Her texts don't matter.

 

Her Texts Don't MATTER.

 

I haven't deleted her number as the only way she can contact me is via text message. I could block and delete her permanently, but then how will I ever know if she came saying those words of regret?

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not dwelling on her waiting for a text message to come through, my life is going much better than it was after the breakup. If the time comes where I don't hear what I want to hear from her then fair enough, I'm still moving forward, but I am most definitely not "waiting" for her to come back.

Edited May 18, 2013 by Kristopher1

[Kristopher1]

Next time I do receive a text, I'll send the text-blocker message, but I don't understand how that's going to help, if anything it will push her away, right? She'd assume I'm not interested in her any longer, which is not what I want her to think..why does it have to be this way?

 

*me waits for Tara to hit me across the face with a big stick*

[TaraMaiden]

Listen very carefully:

 

She portrays and displays many of the associated characteristics of a true Narcissist.

I'm not calling her a Narcissist because it's a label that happens to fit, or because I'm being a bitch, or because it's a handy thing to call her - I'm calling her a Narcissist because as far as I can ascertain, that is exactly what she is.

 

Narcissists will always mould things to suit themselves.

Narcissists will say whatever it takes to persuade you to change your mind and do things their way.

Narcissists are loveable, charming, disarming, sweet, kind, amusing loving..... all with a personal agenda.

Because being loveable, charming, disarming, sweet, kind and amusing - gets them what they want.

 

She will never change.

She will always be like this.

This is the way she is mentally wired and programmed and you can come and go, leave and stay as many times as you like.

She can play this game as often as you do.

In fact, she has the energy and stamina of any Narcissist to out-play you right until the end game.

 

She knows she only has to look at you with those sad puppy eyes, let them well up with tears - and you'll forgive anything.

 

Until the next time.

 

Lather, rinse repeat.

 

You want her in your life?

Talk to her all you want.

 

That's not what NC is for.

 

No Contact is to cut you off from your ex- until you're completely indifferent to which way they're heading; you really don't care, you have your own life, and you're living it without them.

 

But you don't want her out of your life?

She's snagged you good and proper, huh?

 

Talk to her as often as you like then.

 

I'm not wasting a perfectly good stick on someone who's wasting my time.

[Kristopher1]

Tara,

 

You aren't wasting your time at all...

[TaraMaiden]

So?

 

Send the text-blocker, and wipe out this stupid to-ing and fro-ing.

 

Make your mind up.

You're either in NC because you want to move on and you couldn't give a flying fugg whether she assumes you're not interested because you don't care about being in her life at all -

 

Or you just can't quit and you're going to keep playing swing-ball with her - with you as the swing-ball....

 

There is NO middle ground here.

 

You have to decide how you want your life to pan out.

 

For her - or for you?

[Kristopher1]

For me of course, I'll block her.

[TaraMaiden]

You have to have motives for doing so.

You have to know what those motives are.

You have to realise those motives will save your life.

 

Melodramatic?

 

Maybe.

 

But this is all-consuming and has been for a long time....

 

No Contact: Cold-Turkey addiction withdrawal for the heart.

 

Someone wrote this yesterday: I think it's excellent.

And spot on.

 

think of it this way. Your relationship was some awesome dinner meal you guys made together, but somewhere along the way the dinner got spoiled, so you have to throw it away. Now would you really keep going back to the trash can to grab a bite of it because you miss how much it tasted? Hell no! Leave it in the trash where it belongs and go make a new dinner with someone else! It'll taste a helluva lot better and it will be good for your health

 

Excellent analogy.

[itto ogami]

And to put a cap on the excellent advice above, I received variations of your "I think about and miss you a lot" texts from my ex - which are bull****.

 

She should be CALLING you at the very least. Action, not texts.

[Hopeinme]

I know its easier said than done, but she's clearly not worth your time. Asking her to get back with you will only push her away, and maybe its good this ended. Think long term, would you want someone so childish like this? Do you think it would have lasted? Be happy that it ended now before you got even more attached. You have to accept that it is over. Dont harbor any thoughts of she coming back to you because you wont be helping yourself very much then. Its the now that is going to really really suck... But you have to start loving yourself and show you deserve better. You will be fine, just as how i am completely fine after my bf dumped me a month ago. I thought i would not be able to survive, but if you help yourself, you can do this! Be positive and distract yourself with things you love doing. (Besides talking o her) its good that you are sticking to the NC rule, i have been doing it for the past month and its soooo hard, but its for the best i hope you will start helping yourself...