Is his casualness a bad sign?

[SadAndLonely]

Hi there,

 

I don't feel like linking all of my topics, but my ex broke up with me about two and a half weeks ago. We decided to be friends, and a week ago he said he still had some feelings for me, and still missed me sometimes, but wanted to be alone, and said that he's keeping an open mind, but nothing really more positive than that. On Saturday I was really upbeat and happy when I saw him, and he touched me a couple of times (just on the shoulder or hand or whatnot, but he normally doesn't touc hpeople), and I ended up asking him if he wanted to catch a movie with me, and he said sure, how about Friday (which is tomorrow, obviously). He called me Monday night just to chat for a bit, and on Tuesday for a little bit, but he hasn't called since then.

 

I called him tonight just to confirm the movie tomorrow, and he said we're still on, and to just come over after work. But he sounded so CASUAL about it, like he was just talking to any friend. I'm so scared that his feelings are completely gone for me, no matter what I do. Am I worrying too much right now? Is it possible he still has feelings even though he isn't showing it? Could he ever fall for me again? We broke up because we both had issues that we're working on, and because he wants his own time right now. I am POSITIVE there is no one else, but I'm so upset that he just sounds so casual.

 

Please help.

[bluechocolate]

We decided to be friends..........

 

But he sounded so CASUAL about it, like he was just talking to any friend.

 

So what you want is to be still going out with him but have settled for being his friend. How is he supposed to sound when he talks to his friends?

 

This is why I believe in no-contact after a break up. You can't be friends yet because you're still emtionally involved on a more intimate level.

 

... because he wants his own time right now.

 

Then you should give him that time & stop seeing & speaking to him so regularily.

 

Is it possible he still has feelings even though he isn't showing it?

 

Only he knows the answer to that one.

[SadAndLonely]

I don't speak to or see him regularly. He's called almost every time except today, when I called to confirm tomorrow. We see each other once a week now because of a function we both participate in and both really love. I would still go to it no matter what, and so would he.

[bluechocolate]

He's called almost every time except today,

 

Then you need to find out what he means by "wanting his own time right now". Someone who says that & then calls a lot & makes or accepts dates is sending mixed messages.

[SadAndLonely]

It isn't a date. He just doesn't want a girlfriend right now. We're just seeing a movie as friends.

[Luv addict]

Hi girl,

I'm actually replying, but need some advice, too. I went thru this same stuff with my BF of one year. I had confronted him about some issues I didn't like that was going on. He said he loved me, but was not ready for the kind of committed relationship I was. He had just given me a beautiful card on valentine's day about a month before this. But we continued to be cordial. Within the 6 weeks, we saw each other only 2 times, first cause he cooked dinner for my visiting mom and invited us over to meet his sister. Second, because he was drunk and wanted me to pick him up at his friends. He said he knew he was wrong, but he still loved me and wanted some time. That time turned into 6 months. He was more considerate to me than when we were a couple, so I went along with it. I wasn't comfortable with the casualness of the relationship, though. I continued to ask why we broke up if we still love each other. He said its not me, its him. I told him the day of the 6th month, that I was not in it anymore and we couldn't be friends. I love him, but I needed time to understand that it was really over. He said when he's ready, he already knows me and he will come back. Do you think I'm giving him another minute of my time. We were still seeing each other during the 6 months time. I will not call or see him now. What do you think he will do? Do you want to be in this situation?? I would say, leave him alone and let him come back to you... Give him his space. He can't miss what's already there. I hope I have helped and good luck. Keep your head up. What's yours will come back, if it really is.. peace

[9Lives]

I have been thru this before. I recommend you start NC and let me figure out what he wants. When a man does not know what he wants he needs lots of space. You need to "up your value" by not being available. A diamond is more valuable when it is desired by many so to speak. You need to "up your self-respect" by letting him know it is going to be your lost. You need to stop acting like you are losing out and let me feel like HE IS LOSING OUT. Crown yourself Queen and see if he thinks you are worth the chase. I am telling you this because you have to settle within yourself that you are not taking any more shorts from this man. Get yours. If he is really into you. He will realize it but not while you are sweating him, be always available. He got you.

[9Lives]

I recommend you start using the NC Rules. See what happens.

 

What's no contact?

"No Contact" is the practice of eliminating contact with your ex to stablize an emotional relationship and establish some boundaries. This doesn't mean being an ass to your ex. It means eliminating as much contact as possible. Playing hard to get, if you will. Letting things settle down so that you can either move on or come together in a rational, calm way. No Contact is not something that you announce to the other person. It is something that you do, how you live your life.

Why would I want to practice "no contact"?

In many cases, emotions get the better of people, before, during and after a breakup. What we are trying to do here is to push a big fat red reset button on that problem.

People recommend no contact for two reasons, to allow you to move on (for your own good - even if that isn't what you want) or to allow your ex time to think and come back without being pushed further away.

The no contact time...

1) allows you to get over them (even if you don't want to)

2) allows them to get over you (even if you don't want them to)

3) allows you time to reconsider wanting them back, with a clear head

4) allows them time to reconsider wanting to leave, and time to miss you and want you back

5) allows you to separate more easily

6) allows you to reconcile

Attempting to accelerate this process will most likely extend it. What you want to do is break off contact and eliminate all the points of conflict that come up between you and the ex.

You are not in control of your ex's portion of this process. Do not try to be.

As my friend Mr Positive said recently, "Not to worry, it'll be fine."

Why not pursuit instead?

Pursuit is a valid tactic immediately after the breakup. You need to establish to your ex that you are not indifferent to them. But only up to a point. Sending gifts very early on to try to win over your ex is ok (if your ex is female, for men probably not), but if they tell you to stop, STOP. If they seem at all irritated STOP. Otherwise they will start to see it as a manipulation, no matter how sincere you are. At that point you are violating their space. The more you do it, the more damage you do to yourself.

If your ex is seeing someone else, they do not deserve any gifts and doing so will certainly be looked at as a space violation. If your ex talks condescendingly to you, that's probably a bad sign. They don't respect you.

I've already pursued, did I blow it?

Nope. But if it's been awhile since the breakup, you have pushed the ex away a bit. You're challenging their decision. They are going to rebel against that. Are you stalking? STOP IT. It won't improve things, it'll just get you locked up or under a restraining order. STOP IT.

Practicing "No Contact"

Now no contact doesn't mean never talk to your ex. But it does mean that you should not pursue your ex. Doing so will push them away. Don't solicit mutual friends or your ex's family to talk to the ex. Talk to them if they are your friends, but don't give them missions, and don't ask them questions. It's best that you don't even talk to them about your ex unless they bring it up.

If your goal here is to reconcile, what you are trying to do is show your ex that you are independent and strong. You want them to see you in the best possible light. Every time you try to get them to see things your way, change their mind, or talk to you, you are pressuring them to do what you want. Everytime they see that they will run away. What you want is for it to be their idea.

 

What I've been doing is talking to the ex when she approaches me. The last time we chatted, she was IM'ing me all day while we worked. We had an ongoing intermittent conversation for about 6 hours. About lunch time I told her I had to go and that she could message me anytime and that I had missed chatting with her. After lunch we continued to chat. Now it's been about two weeks since she's contacted me.

What I tried to do was to make her at ease with talking to me but to let her know that I am still around. Because of the divorce issue, I feel that it is important to let her know this periodically. If she wasn't going thru that I would cut her off completely. My telling her that I've missed her, even casually, gives her power. That is something that you want to avoid doing. Women are attracted to power, not to men who give it up. But in this divorce scenario, there is some power in knowing what you want and making it clear to her. But that has to be done in such a way that it doesn't come across as whining. Generally speaking though, you appear more powerful if you are not pursuing.

If your ex sees that you are not pursuing they may have some doubts and come back to see how things are doing. This is the scouting party, coming to see how strong your forces are, get the lay of the land so to speak. This is not the time for you to undo everything you've accomplished. Don't overcommit or reveal your positions. Maintain your strong front, be polite, be strong and wait for the full force to show itself. This is war. The best way to win a battle is to never fight it. You need to absorb your enemy into your ranks and allay with him/her. So be cool, give your ex a comfortable feeling of warm fuzziness. Muddle thru the Art of War for more information.

Dating

If your ex starts dating other people during this time, things get a little cloudier. They may still decide to come back. They may decide that they can't return because they were with someone else and won't be welcome.

If you start dating, you may decide that your ex doesn't matter anymore. Or you may end up hurting someone else when you take our ex back. If you don't start dating, you risk wasting your time for nothing. That may be best for you, you have to decide.

Your ex may actually be comforted by you dating other people while they do. Dating someone else will also level the playing field between the two of you and reduce possible feelings of jealousy when you get back together. If you are the jealous type, you have to put that behind you or you will destroy any hope of reconciliation when the opportunity presents itself.

The ex keeps calling while I'm trying to start no contact

Don't reply right away. But you should reply. Wait a day the first time, wait a little longer after that. Don't be rude, be casual. Don't refuse, but instead defer contact. Gradually increase the time between callbacks. If the ex asks you to get back together, you need to decide if you still want that and then let them in slowly. Be careful. Don't jump back into bed right away. Set some boundaries and expectations of your own.

The ex calls after a period of no contact.

Don't reply right away. But you should reply. Wait a day the first time, wait a little longer after that. Don't be rude, be casual. Leave the ball in their court to give them a comfort zone and a good image of you. Don't play games. If you don't respond at all your ex may read that as you moving on.

Moving on

When you don't really value relationships, it is easier to separate.

No contact can also be a method for revenge against a partner who wronged you or a self defense mechanism to deal with the emotions of the breakup. The dumper may use it to avoid facing their feelings about a person they don't want to be with, or the dumped may use it as a defense.

The problem is that when you are really in love and have legitimate reason to believe the other person may come back, the longer the no contact goes on the harder it is to deal with the separation. The mental pressure to do something continues to increase.

If you are up against an externally imposed deadline (your ex is moving away, changing jobs, etc.) you are going to eventually be forced to break the no contact policy or accept that you may never see or hear from them again.

If your ex is getting married, go out and rent the movie The Graduate for ideas on how to approach her.

At some point you have to move on. You can't just sit around and pine for the ex forever. Sure, you have to do it for awhile, but not forever. You did your duty. You gave it a more than a reasonable effort. If the relationship is finsihed forever, it won't be because you didn't try.

But let's be honest here. If you can't be honest with yourself, you are wasting time reading this. So, did you cause the breakup? Was your ex justified in ending things because of something you did? Can you correct it?

So if it's time, move on. Only you can decide when.

In the meatime, date someone else.

If the ex doesn't respond "no contact" will eventually turn into peace of mind for you. You've moved on. If they come back around it will be on your terms, or the answer will be no.

It isn't fair

Yeah. You know I used the word justified a little while ago. But, let's make something clear. Your ex doesn't not need to justify their decision to you. This is a personal viewpoint, preference, emotion, feeling or what have you that your ex has 100% control of. They do not need to provide you a justification, but if they are a halfway decent person that can cope with a little bit of face to face conflict, they will at the very least explain it to you so that you can correct it in your next relationship. If they don't offer to explain, ask. If they won't, there isn't much you can do about it.

Reconciliation...

Once the dumper tries to comes back, the rules change. If they call, then they have changed or are thinking about changing their mind (whatever they might think) and the walls are coming down a bit. But your ex may just be feeling bad about what they did and trying to get some comfort for themself. It doesn't matter, it shows that your ex is thinking about you. Keeping your ex at a distance lets them continue to lower the walls until eventually they are trying hard to get you back. So you talk, you are civil, you can state your terms, offer to take them back, but you cannot beg them to come back. If your ex asks to try again, and you still want to then do it. But slowly. Letting your ex in too easily may give them the illusion that they can just come back on their terms and take what they want when they want. That's no kind of relationship. You have to let your ex into your world, but not have control of it. If they are going to come back it has to be on mutual terms, not their terms and not yours.

When in doubt

"No contact" should be considered a policy and not a rule. If you have any doubt, don't contact your ex. Listen to that little voice. Try to sit on things for a day or two before acting

[UCFKevin]

Casual is not good. That happened to me. I thought the same way you did when things went sour with my ex before we officially broke up. I was treated like just another person she knows instead of the love of her life.

 

And let me just add f*ck NC.

[CurlyIam]

What do you want? Do you want him? Did you tell him? Did you show him?

 

Does he want you?

 

I understand about time of for yourself. I do.But it means "no girls in you life". Let himhave his space. Let himget out and go out and see what he really feels, if he doesn't already.

 

I think there's a chance of him not wanting to hurt you. Of course he calls, the habits are very hard to break.And you know him very well and you have also been his friend, not only his gf.

 

 

HAve the courage to make things clear. If he wants a relationship with you, he'll tell you:"please wait for me, whae I come back, I shall be a better man".

 

Talk to him and ask him where you stand. Ask him for a closure, you have the right to one, if he doesn't want to be with you. Or for reassurance, if he simply needs time out.

 

 

 

Look out for your best interest and keep things extra clear. If it's over, it's best if you start the healing process right now. By finding out where you stand.

[SoleMate]

It isn't a date. He just doesn't want a girlfriend right now. We're just seeing a movie as friends.

If it's just a casual movie viewing, why is it SOOOOOOO important to you? It actually is a date - a loaded date - a date where you're going to be on edge watching his every move and word to read it for its meaning. Don't go.

[seductress989]

Hey, I was just wondering why you said in your post to f**k NC?

[SadAndLonely]

Well, the weekend went well. At the movie his leg kept pressing up against mine, and I made a comment later it the car about looking good for my age (I turn 30 this year), and he said, "You look good for any age" which was sweet.

 

On Saturday I saw him because we both play D&D (we're not normal people, we're geeks, and neither of us are willing to give up our campaign just because we broke up, so NC will never happen). We got along great, just like we did on Friday night, and he touched me several times, including at one point when we took a break and something was bothering me. He ran his fingers up and down my arm for a few minutes while we talked. He is NOT a touchy person, and rarely touches anyone. There was another point during which I pretended to sit on his lap because he was sitting in my chair that I had vacated a few minutes before. I was kidding about sitting on him, but he put down his leg (which he had crossed over his other one, sort of) and motioned to his lap and said "go ahead". This is NOT something he does to anyone, and he seemed totally serious. He also sort of tickled me earlier in the day.

 

He really hates his job and just wants time to himself, and when we were dating I was sort of overbearing, called him a lot to talk, etc. Not to mention that I was really defensive because I was scared of being hurt, and rude to some mutual friends when I got scared or angry at myself. Don't ask. Those are issues I'm working really hard on right now, and every time he's seen me since we broke up I've been excellent. My issues are separate from him, and I'm working on myself for me, not him, but he is noticing and thinks I've been great lately. So that's sort of why the breakup happened. Well, for both reasons. He isn't interested in anyone else. He's a geek who's only had two girlfriends before me, and he's 25. He likes to play video games, so we aren't your typical people who date others or go clubbing or go to bars or anything like that. I could date someone else if I wanted to, but he's really who I want.

 

So that's the gist of it. He's being AWFULLY friendly with me, but I know that right now he just doesn't want a girlfriend. However, doesn't all of his touching, his compliments, etc. seem like a good sign? He said when we broke up that he misses me and part of him still wants to be with me, and that he isn't closing the door on us forever, but for right now we both have things to work on.

 

To be fair, he's been calling me, not the other way around, and we chat and have fun, just like we used to. I REALLY get the feeling he's still interested in me, and I tend to be pessimistic about this.

[UCFKevin]

Because I don't believe in it. I think it's stupid. You're prohibiting yourself from doing something you want to do.

 

When you initiate no contact, you still feel like s***. Who here has done the NC thing and HONESTLY felt great about it? Like, "Haha! Take that, ex! You aren't getting ME to call you!" Yeah right. You're miserable and you know it. The only person who's winning out is the ex. They're out having the time of their life, whereas you're busy thinking, "I'm not gonna call. I want to call but I won't. I can't. But I want to." It's hell.

 

That's lame to me. If you wanna do something, do it. If the other person doesn't respond well to hearing from you, well, screw that person. They obviously want nothing to do with you and if they TRULY cared for you, they wouldn't mind hearing from you.

 

So, again, f*ck NC.

[backspn]

I was treated like just another person she knows instead of the love of her life.

 

I agree with you Kevin. This is how I feel right now. I don't even feel like her friend.

 

They obviously want nothing to do with you and if they TRULY cared for you, they wouldn't mind hearing from you.

 

Again....I completely agree.

 

I say if you've gotten to the major crossroads in your relationship with your ex.....well....they have your number....they'll call if they want, doesnt mean you have to answer though.