can't cope with fact will never date again

[ballycastle]

hi, need to face facts that I am too f*cked up to have a relationship again. I am a 45 year old woman who for over 11 years has tried to find someone who understand her. I have been using this forum for a while and I am really struggling to accept that I am too far out there to find someone who knows how I tick. My last relationship lasted almost 2 years, the first man to ever tell me he has 'found me' to eventually dump me. I have been hurt/abandoned my whole life and have no strength to risk doing it again.

 

That is not to say that I am idly sitting around doing nothing, i have a responsible job, am doing a full time masters, have a mortgage and a child. i work out regularly and am attractive. I first came to LS following my heart broken from an avoidant. Over 13 months later, I am still a mess. I need to accept that with all the dates/men I have met over the last few years NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. But i can't accept it. I get so angry that everyone i know is single except me. i feel so lonely.

 

THIS makes me so sad. I have alot of friends and active social life, but when it comes to men understanding me and my depth, I struggle. I have to face facts,that it is BS that there someone out there for you. I am strange, deep, creative, I have a child, so the odds of finding a single man wanting to share my life highly unlikely. PPl don;t want to take the risk it seems

 

Question is, how am I going to cope living the rest of my life alone? It's that part that makes me so sad. I never thought I would end up alone, I am the life and soul of a party, but there must be something about me that just repels men.

[Lich1]

hi, need to face facts that I am too f*cked up to have a relationship again. I am a 45 year old woman who for over 11 years has tried to find someone who understand her. I have been using this forum for a while and I am really struggling to accept that I am too far out there to find someone who knows how I tick. My last relationship lasted almost 2 years, the first man to ever tell me he has 'found me' to eventually dump me. I have been hurt/abandoned my whole life and have no strength to risk doing it again.

 

That is not to say that I am idly sitting around doing nothing, i have a responsible job, am doing a full time masters, have a mortgage and a child. i work out regularly and am attractive. I first came to LS following my heart broken from an avoidant. Over 13 months later, I am still a mess. I need to accept that with all the dates/men I have met over the last few years NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. But i can't accept it. I get so angry that everyone i know is single except me. i feel so lonely.

 

THIS makes me so sad. I have alot of friends and active social life, but when it comes to men understanding me and my depth, I struggle. I have to face facts,that it is BS that there someone out there for you. I am strange, deep, creative, I have a child, so the odds of finding a single man wanting to share my life highly unlikely. PPl don;t want to take the risk it seems

 

Question is, how am I going to cope living the rest of my life alone? It's that part that makes me so sad. I never thought I would end up alone, I am the life and soul of a party, but there must be something about me that just repels men.

I felt I needed to respond to this, because it seems like you're in a lot of pain. I know how you feel on the loneliness thing; sometimes it's like a crushing stone on top of you, other times it's like you're up on a mountain cliff about to fall into an open chasm.

 

Where do you go to meet men? Are there singles groups in your city? You said you're 45, and I'll bet there are groups for single parents looking for relationships. I wouldn't give up hope. While it's probably untrue that there's something about you that "repels men," maybe you could talk to your friends about specific things that you could change (possibly a painful process, but hey) and focus on other things. Work on that Masters degree. Have fun with your social life. Try out a new haircut. But don't let yourself fall into the self-pity tar pit, it's very difficult to get out of there and will end up hurting you even more in the long run.

 

Don't lose hope. You won't always feel like you feel right now. Eventually this will pass.

[CarrieT]

OP, can you describe what is so unusual about you that people "don't get?"

 

I ask because I thought (and still do), that I am rather uniquely different. Some here who know me might concur.

 

And - at almost 50 - I was able to find someone...

 

But it helps to be able to explain one's self to be able to help.

[ballycastle]

Where do you go to meet men? Are there singles groups in your city? You said you're 45, and I'll bet there are groups for single parents looking for relationships. I wouldn't give up hope. talk to your friends about specific things that you could change

 

Don't lose hope. You won't always feel like you feel right now. Eventually this will pass.

 

Thanks for your response. Yes I am in a lot of pain. There are places to meet men in my city. I haven't joined them yet because I am still hurting from old wounds. I have given up. It's well over a year after the BU and I have been here before, abandoned, rejected, yet again so I am totally stuck, and yes, I feel I will always feel like this because I feel I need to accept like the famous Brian Wilson sang, 'I just wasn't made for these times.' I am not saying that out of self pity. When I was growing up, I felt different to everyone else. Sure I had friends, did all the growing up stuff, but there was something inside me that went on and on in my head, call it day dreaming or whatever, but this has carried on into my adult life that very few partners, potential men understand. They say, 'I don't know what you're on about.' I know realise it was because I was a writer and didn't realise this at the time, when I was little, you weren't writers, you did English and that was about it.

 

OP, can you describe what is so unusual about you that people "don't get?"

And - at almost 50 - I was able to find someone...

 

.

 

CarrieT, I am glad you have found someone. As explained above, I am a very deep person. My friends tell me not to change anything about myself, what they love is my unique way of looking at life, even though I don't reveal all of me to everyone, again it will scare them off. I guess it's because I am a writer and like artists, have to draw their experience of the world using pictures, me words. So I am very intense in observing words, actions, characters, what drives people and makes them tick. I've always been told I should be on stage because of my acute ability to mirror someone and turn it into a comedy act. When I was growing up I thought everyone had their head in an imaginary world of stories. But realised they didn't. I am also very much into music as well and adopt the same approach. I can make people laugh but men, it seems find me too much of a challenge and don't seem to want to take the risk in wanting to love me.

 

My spirituality and in depth way I look at the world sets me apart. I have accepted that is who I am now (I tried to disown that part of me to be accepted). This is why I truly believe there is not a mirror of me out there. I always accepted less than I deserved in the past: there is nothing worse for you ego to be all your life told, 'I don't understand you/don't get what you mean/don't know what you're on about/do you have to be so deep?/why are you analysing that song/movie/book- it's just a song/movie/book. etc etc. After the last relationship ended I couldn't face anyone else saying the same thing.

 

Makes you feel like a freak and therefore best left alone to be loved by close friends, children and family.

 

I feel so lost....

[darkmoon]

you wrote 'I don't understand you/don't get what you mean/don't know what you're on about/do you have to be so deep?/why are you analysing that song/movie/book- it's just a song/movie/book. etc etc. After the last relationship ended I couldn't face anyone else saying the same thing"

 

why do you keep having the same type of convos with men if you know it's going to put them off?

on dates do you accept men's views in the way you want them to accept yours?

 

straight questions

Edited May 5, 2013 by darkmoon

[ballycastle]

you wrote 'I don't understand you/don't get what you mean/don't know what you're on about/do you have to be so deep?/why are you analysing that song/movie/book- it's just a song/movie/book. etc etc. After the last relationship ended I couldn't face anyone else saying the same thing"

 

why do you keep having the same type of convos with men if you know it's going to put them off?

on dates do you accept men's views in the way you want them to accept yours?

 

straight questions

 

Hi, I don't have the same conversations with men, these topics come up between the 'what are you into?' So I will say movies/art/literature/photography etc. Also, a lot of men SAY they like the challenge of a women and they probably do at the beginning. But (and I don't want to generalise but it is what I have found) after a while they HATE you to not spend your time AGREEING with everything they say.

 

I don't want them to necessarily accept my views, I like a healthy debate like the next person. But increasingly I am finding, as in my original post, that they simply don't live in the same parallel universe as me.

 

Hence why I feel so alone. There must be someone out there who is 'out there', but the trouble is, I don't want to go through the painful trawling through of sites trying to find that 'out there' person. Does the sensitive ego no good constantly being rejected

[ballycastle]

why do you keep having the same type of convos with men if you know it's going to put them off?

on dates do you accept men's views in the way you want them to accept yours?

 

straight questions

 

If it's going to 'put them off' as you say, then as this 'being me', there is simply no hope! This is who I am

[TaraMaiden]

Hyper-analysis causes paralysis.

 

You seem to be convincing yourself you're 'too deep' for people to get, and that you have a unique way of seeing things and that your spirituality is inexplicable.

 

Try us.

I actually think - and I may get slated for thinking this - that in point of fact, you may be suffering from a superiority complex.

Nobody will ever get you, understand you, or accept how deep/spiritual you are.

 

I think you have an overblown opinion of yourself, and that actually, you're setting yourself up for failure because the bottom line is - nobody is good enough for you, if they can't 'get you'.

 

Get off the pedestal....

What you say makes you sound like a martyr - and I don't buy it.....

I think you're setting up deliberate barriers....

[ballycastle]

Hyper-analysis causes paralysis.

 

You seem to be convincing yourself you're 'too deep' for people to get, and that you have a unique way of seeing things and that your spirituality is inexplicable.

 

Try us.

I actually think - and I may get slated for thinking this - that in point of fact, you may be suffering from a superiority complex.

Nobody will ever get you, understand you, or accept how deep/spiritual you are.

 

I think you have an overblown opinion of yourself, and that actually, you're setting yourself up for failure because the bottom line is - nobody is good enough for you, if they can't 'get you'.

 

Get off the pedestal....

What you say makes you sound like a martyr - and I don't buy it.....

I think you're setting up deliberate barriers....

 

Hi, interesting as I have been in therapy my whole life because of the opposite, I don't think of myself at all. I have spent my whole life loathing myself because I wasn't 'like' everyone else and wished i was. I wish I did have a higher opinion of myself! I put myself down all the time and have little confidence. Does that strike you as someone with an overblown opinion? I posted on here to try to see if there is anyone out there struggling with themselves and finding a partner more suited to them, rather than (as many posters put on here) finding someone who is 'less than I deserve.' which is always what I have gone for, for the reasons stated above.

 

I identify with a lot of the characters on Six Feet Under. Did anyone see that show, because it is Alan Ball's examination of our fears and who we are as humans and fear of being different. Hardly pedestal behaviour.

 

I was really frightened to post my true feelings on here, and I am getting slated...hence the title of my original thread

[darkmoon]

If it's going to 'put them off' as you say, then as this 'being me', there is simply no hope! This is who I am

 

ok, so change or suffer - you choose

Edited May 5, 2013 by darkmoon

[TaraMaiden]

Hi, interesting as I have been in therapy my whole life because of the opposite, I don't think of myself at all. I have spent my whole life loathing myself because I wasn't 'like' everyone else and wished i was. I wish I did have a higher opinion of myself! I put myself down all the time and have little confidence. Does that strike you as someone with an overblown opinion? .....

 

I was really frightened to post my true feelings on here, and I am getting slated...hence the title of my original thread

No - you're not getting slated - you're actually receiving some pretty profound and rational responses.

If anyone were to slate you, they'd be in line for an infraction.

 

It sounds to me like inverted egoism.

The direct opposite of self-aggrandisement is self-deprecation...

 

Please understand: I'm not blaming you.

In the same way a narcissist can't help being a narcissist, or someone suffering from BP cannot make themselves NOT suffer from it, it's possible this is an affliction you have which enables you to set yourself apart from others in a way that leaves you at a disadvantage....

 

Clearly, there is a problem here.

If you truly believe you are unattainable to true love, because of "Who" you are, then it follows that this perception has roots somewhere....

 

It may be worth considering.

And I am not slating you, honestly.

I don't see any other answers which have taken that route, either....

[lilacwine]

hi, need to face facts that I am too f*cked up to have a relationship again. I am a 45 year old woman who for over 11 years has tried to find someone who understand her. I have been using this forum for a while and I am really struggling to accept that I am too far out there to find someone who knows how I tick. My last relationship lasted almost 2 years, the first man to ever tell me he has 'found me' to eventually dump me. I have been hurt/abandoned my whole life and have no strength to risk doing it again.

 

That is not to say that I am idly sitting around doing nothing, i have a responsible job, am doing a full time masters, have a mortgage and a child. i work out regularly and am attractive. I first came to LS following my heart broken from an avoidant. Over 13 months later, I am still a mess. I need to accept that with all the dates/men I have met over the last few years NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. But i can't accept it. I get so angry that everyone i know is single except me. i feel so lonely.

 

THIS makes me so sad. I have alot of friends and active social life, but when it comes to men understanding me and my depth, I struggle. I have to face facts,that it is BS that there someone out there for you. I am strange, deep, creative, I have a child, so the odds of finding a single man wanting to share my life highly unlikely. PPl don;t want to take the risk it seems

 

Question is, how am I going to cope living the rest of my life alone? It's that part that makes me so sad. I never thought I would end up alone, I am the life and soul of a party, but there must be something about me that just repels men.

 

Thanks for posting this. Makes me feel like i'm not the only one. I'm only 31 and I already decided to give up on love/romance/relationships after the last relationship in my life failed 9 months ago.

 

After the last breakup (out of 3 long term relationships), I started having thoughts that may be sth is really wrong with me that I can't seem to have a lasting relationship. I'm not a writer like you but I'm an introvert who's socially awkward, a bit weird and different. I have low self-esteem as a consequence. Anyway, for whatever reason, I've decided to give up. So keep your chin up, you're not the only one who is suffering from the "never date again" thing.

 

And I also have a kid from my previous marriage, which makes dating so much harder.

Edited May 5, 2013 by lilacwine

[ballycastle]

ok, so change or suffer - you choose

 

change how? change my personality so someone likes me? that is a lie, surely and i would be more unhappy like i was before when i used to stop showing ex boyfriends my true self for fear of rejection

 

[quote=TaraMaiden;485857

It sounds to me like inverted egoism

If you truly believe you are unattainable to true love, because of "Who" you are, then it follows that this perception has roots somewhere....

 

It may be worth considering....

 

thanks, i have spent many years in therapy, read books, joined forums, tried to understand the problem. it stems from abandonment issues, thrown in a boarding school my adult life, so not brought up in a loving or supportive framework.

 

Thanks for posting this. Makes me feel like i'm not the only one. I'm only 31 and I already decided to give up on love/romance/relationships after the last relationship in my life failed 9 months ago.

 

After the last breakup (out of 3 long term relationships), I started having thoughts that may be sth is really wrong with me that I can't seem to have a lasting relationship. I'm not a writer like you but I'm an introvert who's socially awkward, a bit weird and different. I have low self-esteem as a consequence. Anyway, for whatever reason, I've decided to give up. So keep your chin up, you're not the only one who is suffering from the "never date again" thing.

 

And I also have a kid from my previous marriage, which makes dating so much harder.

 

thanks lilacwine, relieved I am not alone. It feels like a constant knot in my heart, a physical ache and longing. cant afford more therapy due to mortgage and working part time, having a small child. life is hard and dating harder. I am the opposite LOL, very outgoing, like to have fun etc...

 

Just wondered if guys out there felt the same way is all.

 

thanks

[TaraMaiden]

Your Past is not who you are.

 

It's your choice NOW to behave NOW, in the way you would rather be, NOW.

 

Your issues may stem from there, but don't allow them to be solidly rooted there.

 

If you permit your past to justify or excuse, or explain who you are now, you have in essence, abdicated your current power, to the unseen power of yesteryear.

And that's an imaginary power, in comparison to that which you hold now.

 

That's what darkmoon meant by 'choose'.

[Zammo25]

hi, need to face facts that I am too f*cked up to have a relationship again. I am a 45 year old woman who for over 11 years has tried to find someone who understand her. I have been using this forum for a while and I am really struggling to accept that I am too far out there to find someone who knows how I tick. My last relationship lasted almost 2 years, the first man to ever tell me he has 'found me' to eventually dump me. I have been hurt/abandoned my whole life and have no strength to risk doing it again.

 

That is not to say that I am idly sitting around doing nothing, i have a responsible job, am doing a full time masters, have a mortgage and a child. i work out regularly and am attractive. I first came to LS following my heart broken from an avoidant. Over 13 months later, I am still a mess. I need to accept that with all the dates/men I have met over the last few years NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. But i can't accept it. I get so angry that everyone i know is single except me. i feel so lonely.

 

THIS makes me so sad. I have alot of friends and active social life, but when it comes to men understanding me and my depth, I struggle. I have to face facts,that it is BS that there someone out there for you. I am strange, deep, creative, I have a child, so the odds of finding a single man wanting to share my life highly unlikely. PPl don;t want to take the risk it seems

 

Question is, how am I going to cope living the rest of my life alone? It's that part that makes me so sad. I never thought I would end up alone, I am the life and soul of a party, but there must be something about me that just repels men.

 

You are the Female mirror of me. EVERYTHING you wrote is how I feel and that I am different. I also have abandonement issues from my adoption. I have also given up now after 3 failed relationships in quick succession and am 50 now. I get it, infact I get it so much this post made me make a comment on LS for the first time in 3 months.

[darkmoon]

alot of people have differing opinions, most people see that there's scope for discord and so they choose subjects that meet with mutual approval - - it's about being tactful

 

yes, change personalities, it's not lying to do this, not one man stays with you, not one, so change in order to turn to charm, i expect you'll write me telling me i'm wrong, making you happpier to have your problem than you are to find a way to get a guy

Edited May 5, 2013 by darkmoon

[Zammo25]

alot of people have differing opinions, most people see that there's scope for discord and so they choose subjects that meet with mutual approval - - it's about being tactful

 

yes, change personalities, it's not lying to do this, not one man stays with you, not one, so change in order to turn to charm, i expect you'll write me telling me i'm wrong, making you happpier to have your problem than you are to find a way to get a guy

 

You are wrong. I know exactly where she is coming from with abandonement issues and how they affect your adult life. Check out " The Primal Wound " and how can she or should she " change her personality " at 45 anymore than I can at 50 and why should she to make herself more appealing to the opposite sex ?

[Zammo25]

Hyper-analysis causes paralysis.

 

You seem to be convincing yourself you're 'too deep' for people to get, and that you have a unique way of seeing things and that your spirituality is inexplicable.

 

Try us.

I actually think - and I may get slated for thinking this - that in point of fact, you may be suffering from a superiority complex.

Nobody will ever get you, understand you, or accept how deep/spiritual you are.

 

I think you have an overblown opinion of yourself, and that actually, you're setting yourself up for failure because the bottom line is - nobody is good enough for you, if they can't 'get you'.

 

Get off the pedestal....

What you say makes you sound like a martyr - and I don't buy it.....

I think you're setting up deliberate barriers....

 

A shocking statement.

[ballycastle]

Your Past is not who you are.

 

It's your choice NOW to behave NOW, in the way you would rather be, NOW.

 

Your issues may stem from there, but don't allow them to be solidly rooted there.

 

If you permit your past to justify or excuse, or explain who you are now, you have in essence, abdicated your current power, to the unseen power of yesteryear.

And that's an imaginary power, in comparison to that which you hold now.

 

That's what darkmoon meant by 'choose'.

 

hi thanks, the past does explain who I am now, hence why therapy focusses on YOUR PAST. I know what i need to avoid in a partner to replicate issues of my past choosing partners that mirror being abandoned, or making someone like me because as a kid, I was largely ignored. it has taken years to get to this place. i can see the red flags better now.

 

You are the Female mirror of me. EVERYTHING you wrote is how I feel and that I am different. I also have abandonement issues from my adoption. I have also given up now after 3 failed relationships in quick succession and am 50 now. I get it, infact I get it so much this post made me make a comment on LS for the first time in 3 months.

 

Hi, have you thought about therapy to get in touch with that abandoned child? will need one that specializes in separation issues. There is great book by Susan Anderson -i think- called 'From abandonment to healing' i got it on amazon and it was a good start. i would PM you but don't have facility yet on my account. but i emphasize with your pain.It's exhausting inhabiting our head sometimes.

 

i read your relationships were in quick succession. would it be fair to say that you might need some alone time to figure out what out what made you chose your ex partners? like i say, i know who to avoid now, but fear being hurt again and being of a marginalised type. And that is being honest.

 

good to know i'm not alone in these feelings.

 

thanks

[shiver23]

You seem to be convincing yourself you're 'too deep' for people to get, and that

you have a unique way of seeing things and that your spirituality is

inexplicable.

 

Hey ballycastle, I happen to agree with this statement a bit. I suffered from the same sort of despair in highschool. I created a false reality to deal with it, and it was only after some serious mistakes that I was able to get myself back on track. I've learned to let go of some of my spiritual dogma, and I've started to accept that not everyone is going to get it.

 

HOWEVER. (Please don't hear me "slating" you.) I also have found a few men in my past that were able to accept me as I am. My ex in particular helped me through a lot of my struggles. I tended to either hate myself completely or distance myself from the world because I was "different" than them (which I later realized was meaning better, as much as I denied it for years.)

 

You will find someone. Just try to work on yourself first. Don't over-analyze. It's so easy to do, I know. These tips have really helped me regain my confidence post-breakup and I'm trying to follow them. I hope they help you. Love y'all.

 

[Zammo25]

hi thanks, the past does explain who I am now, hence why therapy focusses on YOUR PAST. I know what i need to avoid in a partner to replicate issues of my past choosing partners that mirror being abandoned, or making someone like me because as a kid, I was largely ignored. it has taken years to get to this place. i can see the red flags better now.

 

 

 

Hi, have you thought about therapy to get in touch with that abandoned child? will need one that specializes in separation issues. There is great book by Susan Anderson -i think- called 'From abandonment to healing' i got it on amazon and it was a good start. i would PM you but don't have facility yet on my account. but i emphasize with your pain.It's exhausting inhabiting our head sometimes.

 

i read your relationships were in quick succession. would it be fair to say that you might need some alone time to figure out what out what made you chose your ex partners? like i say, i know who to avoid now, but fear being hurt again and being of a marginalised type. And that is being honest.

 

good to know i'm not alone in these feelings.

 

thanks

 

I have had therapy as I knew my overreaction when relationships were way over what most people experience. The last 2 literally had me on my knees fighting for life. I decided something was not right, had the therapy which showed me it is down to my abandonment issues from my adoption. Check out , The Primal Wound on youtube. As I cannot see this changing my decision now is to never put myself in that position again so I have decided to remain single now. I am different in my thinking to most people which was determined and hardwired in my brain in those first few months of abandonement which is devastating and debilitating in adult life but at least I understand it a bit more now unlike others that have posted without understanding you. Good luck. You sound awesome.

Edited May 5, 2013 by Zammo25

[darkmoon]

You are wrong. I know exactly where she is coming from with abandonement issues and how they affect your adult life. Check out " The Primal Wound " and how can she or should she " change her personality " at 45 anymore than I can at 50 and why should she to make herself more appealing to the opposite sex ?

 

she should change if she wants a guy

 

i'm adopted, a peer group that nancy verrier's primal wound was written for, i know her work well, but being adopted doesn't make me force opinons or topics onto others, so that she is dumped by men, which is the poster's stated problem, maybe you and her need to realize that changing what you talk about, and in the poster's case, learning tact, is worth a try, or stay wedded to your problems, try to have fun xx

[Zammo25]

she should change if she wants a guy

 

i'm adopted, a peer group that nancy verrier's primal wound was written for, i know her work well, but being adopted doesn't make me force opinons or topics onto others, so that she i dumped by men, which is the poster's stated problem, maybe you and her need to realize that changing what you talk about, and in the poster's case, learning tact, is worth a try

 

Rubbish. Why should she change who she is at 45 " to get a guy " ? She just has not met the right guy who understands her. This is not a " pitch " , just from someone that does understand her.

[darkmoon]

Rubbish. Why should she change who she is at 45 " to get a guy " ? She just has not met the right guy who understands her. This is not a " pitch " , just from someone that does understand her.

 

why should she change? because what she is doing is not working, and might never work, and has a proven track record of not working, i'm only replying to be polite, best of luck, bye

Edited May 5, 2013 by darkmoon

[Zammo25]

why should she change? because what she is doing is not working, and might never work, and has a proven track record of not working, i'm only replying to be polite, best of luck, bye

 

I am trying to empathise not criticise. Some people should try it. People do not come on here to be shot down in flames and told they have a " superiority complex " or " an overblown opinion of themselves " Shocking.