can't cope with fact will never date again

[darkmoon]

I am trying to empathise not criticise. Some people should try it. People do not come on here to be shot down in flames and told they have a " superiority complex " or " an overblown opinion of themselves " Shocking.

 

TaraMaiden said that, not me, please just scroll back to check

note, i don't even give it the approval of a loveshack like

[Zammo25]

TaraMaiden said that, not me, please just scroll back to check

note, i don't even give it the approval of a loveshack like

 

I know but you have been pretty critical as well.

[Zammo25]

TaraMaiden said that, not me, please just scroll back to check

note, i don't even give it the approval of a loveshack like

 

" alot of people have differing opinions, most people see that there's scope for discord and so they choose subjects that meet with mutual approval - - it's about being tactful

 

yes, change personalities, it's not lying to do this, not one man stays with you "

[darkmoon]

" alot of people have differing opinions, most people see that there's scope for discord and so they choose subjects that meet with mutual approval - - it's about being tactful

 

yes, change personalities, it's not lying to do this, not one man stays with you "

 

so because i pointed out that TaraMaiden said that not me, you now find fault with me too, as well as TaraMaiden? yes, tact was my advice because as the woman with the problem herself said, no man sticks with her

 

if the woman who started this thread complained at me, ok, but you are not her

if she doesn't like my advice, she doesn't have to take it

you advise her from now on, bye xx

Edited May 5, 2013 by darkmoon

[Zammo25]

so because i pointed out that TaraMaiden said that not me, you now find fault with me too, as well as TaraMaiden? yes, tact was my advice because as the woman with the problem herself said, no man sticks with her

 

if the woman who started this thread complained at me, ok, but you are not her

 

Maybe she is too polite. Anyway I know exactly where she is coming from infact she sounds the mirror image of me. I would send a PM but I can't. Lets try to offer constructive comments as some of the comments have been very destructive.

[ballycastle]

so because i pointed out that TaraMaiden said that not me, you now find fault with me too, as well as TaraMaiden? yes, tact was my advice because as the woman with the problem herself said, no man sticks with her

 

if the woman who started this thread complained at me, ok, but you are not her

if she doesn't like my advice, she doesn't have to take it

you advise her from now on, bye xx

 

hi, i didn't mean to start a flamed debate, but darkmoon, i don't think you read my original post properly. i didn't say every man has dumped me but men find it difficult to understand me. there is a big difference. and no, the only thing i will change is the men i chose in my life. telling me to be tactful and change for a man is like telling someone who is gay to stay straight.

 

Maybe she is too polite. Anyway I know exactly where she is coming from infact she sounds the mirror image of me. I would send a PM but I can't. Lets try to offer constructive comments as some of the comments have been very destructive.

 

zammo, thank you and others for your understanding. i don't feel so alone in the world now

 

i know if i was a total freak i wouldn't have such a huge social life and a lot of friends, and successful career. i just know that it will be hard to put my true self out there and why shouldn't i? because like you, when my last relationship ended i was at death's door. I nearly died and it was because the pain of old wounds, deeply wired, came back and i couldn't handle this rejection. It was not me that made these men go. It was the men that don t do commitment that left and i chose them because i did not think i worth any more. And darkmoon, i could get a man tonight, if i wanted, but he wouldn't be guaranteed to stay the next morning.

 

This is not a case of making myself do things differently, our abandonment wounds are in us, like we take our hand from the fire without thinking. they are natural neurones wired from past experiences. the trick is to know and recognise them so you don't do the same to hurt yourself again. my original thread was daring to make the claim that i believed i was too damaged to take that risk again knowing i am deep, spiritual and look at the world from a writer's viewpoint. why change that?

 

my original thread was really to say how much pain I was in, fearing my differences/past pain would set me apart from everyone else and wondered what others have done differently to overcome that feeling of being different and men finding that attractive. thanks

[ballycastle]

Hey ballycastle, I happen to agree with this statement a bit. I suffered from the same sort of despair in highschool. I created a false reality to deal with it, and it was only after some serious mistakes that I was able to get myself back on track. I've learned to let go of some of my spiritual dogma, and I've started to accept that not everyone is going to get it.

 

HOWEVER. (Please don't hear me "slating" you.) I also have found a few men in my past that were able to accept me as I am. My ex in particular helped me through a lot of my struggles. I tended to either hate myself completely or distance myself from the world because I was "different" than them (which I later realized was meaning better, as much as I denied it for years.)

 

You will find someone. Just try to work on yourself first. Don't over-analyze. It's so easy to do, I know. These tips have really helped me regain my confidence post-breakup and I'm trying to follow them. I hope they help you. Love y'all.

 

THANK YOU for your love, advice and the links. I am still working on my self. big hugs

[TaraMaiden]

I will refrain from commenting in this thread further.

 

Zammo and I have a history.

Suffice to say he is on my 'ignore' list.

 

It pays to research.....

 

OP, I wish you well, and sincerely hope you find what it is you seek.

 

Nothing of what I said was ever intended to harm, wound or offend.

I merely to engage in discussion and sought to provoke wider thinking.

 

Be well.

 

TM.

[esteem-jam]

*I am the life and soul of a party* - I hope you are not of those that wants to be nice to everybody so that they are nice to you back. And hope its not ballycastle makes meal, ballycastle entertain the guests, ballycastle washes the dishes - hope its not that kind of sould of the party.

 

The thing is- when you ask for advice/help - people will come at you with everything they got. Like- get new clothes, try therapy, be more outgoing, be more optimistic goddamn ;p ... it doesnt matter that you already did those things. You asked for help, and people will point at your mistakes with smarty faces.

Asking for advice is giving some credit and authority to the person u asked, and it can be a disadvantage when you understand that you neither respect nor trust that person. But in reality all you needed was a little bit of love and empathy.

[CarrieT]

This is why I truly believe there is not a mirror of me out there.

I believe you are wrong... and I believe you and I are very, very similar in many regards.

 

My friends tell me not to change anything about myself, what they love is my unique way of looking at life, even though I don't reveal all of me to everyone

Same here. I HAVE scared some people away. Those who have not been frightened away by what I have revealed have reveled in the uniqueness of "me."

 

I guess it's because I am a writer and like artists, have to draw their experience of the world using pictures, me words.

I am a writer (published) AND artist (in six galleries). I understand these things. I was pegged as a "Bohemian" by teachers when I was barely 13 and didn't understand what the concept of being Bohemian even meant.

 

I am also very much into music as well and adopt the same approach.

As am I - having played multiple instruments and touring Europe in a Youth Symphony in my teens before discovering alternative musical genres.

 

My spirituality and in depth way I look at the world sets me apart. I have accepted that is who I am now (I tried to disown that part of me to be accepted).

Again, I disagree and believe you would be surprised that there are many who view the world and the spiritual side as you probably do. I'm not going to even hazard a guess at your spiritual leanings, but having dabbled in more than one alternative faith and religion (searching for the vernacular to explain my own spiritual bents), I believe you are segregating yourself in a manner that is unhealthy and probably untrue.

 

I always accepted less than I deserved in the past

This was also me. My own postings on this site have documented the myriad of mediocre relationships I subjected myself to because I felt I did not deserve better. I often sufficed with what was presented, thinking that "I didn't deserve anything better." Consequently, I have been involved with men who hid their homosexuality, a cross dresser, a high-school dropout who was functionally illiterate, and an abusive alcoholic who suffered from bi-polar disorder.

 

 

it seems find me too much of a challenge and don't seem to want to take the risk in wanting to love me.

^^^ THIS ^^^ is the crux of it all. And I want to reiterate the postings of TaraMaiden because I think she is spot-on as it describes me as well.

 

You and I *ARE* special people who don't quite fit in this world. But that doesn't mean there aren't people out there who won't appreciate us for all we have to offer. Again, it took me 50 years to find the guy who "gets me," but it was not without significant pain, angst, trouble, and trying and trying and trying.

 

Of course you feel lost right now. You are without purpose or direction. I disagree with anyone here who says you have to change "to get a guy." It is simply a numbers game of finding the guy who will truly appreciate you. For me, it took talking to HUNDREDS of guys online and going on more than fifty meet-and-greet coffee dates in two years.

 

But it IS possible and I would heartily suggest A) therapy, and B) not giving up.

[ballycastle]

I believe you are wrong... and I believe you and I are very, very similar in many regards.

 

 

Same here. I HAVE scared some people away. Those who have not been frightened away by what I have revealed have reveled in the uniqueness of "me."

 

 

I am a writer (published) AND artist (in six galleries). I understand these things. I was pegged as a "Bohemian" by teachers when I was barely 13 and didn't understand what the concept of being Bohemian even meant.

 

 

As am I - having played multiple instruments and touring Europe in a Youth Symphony in my teens before discovering alternative musical genres.

 

 

Again, I disagree and believe you would be surprised that there are many who view the world and the spiritual side as you probably do. I'm not going to even hazard a guess at your spiritual leanings, but having dabbled in more than one alternative faith and religion (searching for the vernacular to explain my own spiritual bents), I believe you are segregating yourself in a manner that is unhealthy and probably untrue.

 

 

This was also me. My own postings on this site have documented the myriad of mediocre relationships I subjected myself to because I felt I did not deserve better. I often sufficed with what was presented, thinking that "I didn't deserve anything better." Consequently, I have been involved with men who hid their homosexuality, a cross dresser, a high-school dropout who was functionally illiterate, and an abusive alcoholic who suffered from bi-polar disorder.

 

 

 

^^^ THIS ^^^ is the crux of it all. And I want to reiterate the postings of TaraMaiden because I think she is spot-on as it describes me as well.

 

You and I *ARE* special people who don't quite fit in this world. But that doesn't mean there aren't people out there who won't appreciate us for all we have to offer. Again, it took me 50 years to find the guy who "gets me," but it was not without significant pain, angst, trouble, and trying and trying and trying.

 

Of course you feel lost right now. You are without purpose or direction. I disagree with anyone here who says you have to change "to get a guy." It is simply a numbers game of finding the guy who will truly appreciate you. For me, it took talking to HUNDREDS of guys online and going on more than fifty meet-and-greet coffee dates in two years.

 

But it IS possible and I would heartily suggest A) therapy, and B) not giving up.

 

hi carrie, thank you for your words of empathy and support and acknowledgement. looks like after finding myself i will have to go on a lot of dates as well as online dating. are there any you recommend? i was on match.com a few years ago but found there were a lot of narcissists and players, commitment phobes, avoidants, like trying to do a meaningful shop after the shelves of good stock have been cleared. but you have given me hope, like others to not give up and out there there is a mirror of me. i read Amir/Lavine's Attached that i need to go on lots of dates together, not do one at a time, like looking for a house, have more than one to view. i have been in therapy over the years but stopped due to cost and pressures of university/work/parenting/cost etc i am trying always to improve myself and learn from painful experiences. i never want to make myself vulnerable to the wrong type of man for me again.

 

my course finishes in sept, i am looking to get my novel published....glad you have. maybe then i will be in a more positive head space to try and find someone who will love me for me.

 

thank you everyone for your comments, advice and support.

[CarrieT]

hi carrie, thank you for your words of empathy and support and acknowledgement. looks like after finding myself i will have to go on a lot of dates as well as online dating. are there any you recommend?

 

Quite frankly, no... It is all a numbers game and I was on every dating site from Plenty of Fish to OKCupid and from Match to eHarmony.

 

Because of my <ahem> quirky disposition (I tend towards some kinky behavior in the bedroom), I ended up on an alternative sex site where I emphatically put myself forward in the fashion of: "Intellectual First, Emotional Second, and Sexual Third."

 

I was the type of person who found acceptance through promiscuity (because I thought that was all I was good for and that know one would ever want me for my brains) and wanted to make sure that I included the particular sexual proclivity in my partner as well as all the other aspects I was looking for.

 

But I worked all sides of the puzzle and even via a sex site, was able to stave off sexual relations to find that intellectual and emotional connection first. Regardless of the site chosen, stick to your guns and don't give up. Many here will tell you how difficult it was for me and how long it took. I've regaled many-a-story of my one-night-stands and potential hopefuls in search of the perfect guy.

 

The one I found is just as quirky in his artistic temperament, although more mainstream in his world view and philosophies. But we complement each other well enough and he doesn't mind my spiritual bent (I didn't mention that I tried to establish my own church when I was 10 years old...)

 

You'll be fine - just don't give up and don't change for anybody.

[Zammo25]

I will refrain from commenting in this thread further.

 

Zammo and I have a history.

Suffice to say he is on my 'ignore' list.

 

It pays to research.....

 

OP, I wish you well, and sincerely hope you find what it is you seek.

 

Nothing of what I said was ever intended to harm, wound or offend.

I merely to engage in discussion and sought to provoke wider thinking.

 

Be well.

 

TM.

 

The problem is you have made yourself the self appointed guru of LS and have got a band of people who worship your every word as if you are some sort of internet god. Even when you get it hopelessly wrong like you did on this one calling someone they have a superiority complex ( oh the irony ) someone who relates to the OP still states you got it spot on ! You couldn't make it up. It is almost as if people are brainwashed by you. Well , sit back, you DO NOT get it right all the time. As I am on your ignore list you will not see this however.

[todreaminblue]

hi, need to face facts that I am too f*cked up to have a relationship again. I am a 45 year old woman who for over 11 years has tried to find someone who understand her. I have been using this forum for a while and I am really struggling to accept that I am too far out there to find someone who knows how I tick. My last relationship lasted almost 2 years, the first man to ever tell me he has 'found me' to eventually dump me. I have been hurt/abandoned my whole life and have no strength to risk doing it again.

 

That is not to say that I am idly sitting around doing nothing, i have a responsible job, am doing a full time masters, have a mortgage and a child. i work out regularly and am attractive. I first came to LS following my heart broken from an avoidant. Over 13 months later, I am still a mess. I need to accept that with all the dates/men I have met over the last few years NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. But i can't accept it. I get so angry that everyone i know is single except me. i feel so lonely.

 

THIS makes me so sad. I have alot of friends and active social life, but when it comes to men understanding me and my depth, I struggle. I have to face facts,that it is BS that there someone out there for you. I am strange, deep, creative, I have a child, so the odds of finding a single man wanting to share my life highly unlikely. PPl don;t want to take the risk it seems

 

Question is, how am I going to cope living the rest of my life alone? It's that part that makes me so sad. I never thought I would end up alone, I am the life and soul of a party, but there must be something about me that just repels men.

 

 

I understand about how a past scars.......I have had hospitalization and quite a few years of therapy on and off......I rely on my spirituality a lot....i dont think i am deep .....i do think i am different..i actually like the simple things in life.......because they dont make me think too much...i don't have too analyse them they are not complex or need deconstructing they simply exist to be appreciated by me by everyone...including you......when i get confused or disillusioned i go back to basics....a problem that is not urgent can be handled tomorrow ...may be clearer tomorrow ......

 

 

 

i try not to have a sense of pressure or urgency ....i pray, i do something else......and face what i have to face in the right frame of mind.....i do believe if you truly believe, you will be alone, you will be.....but....if you step back and see that tomorrow is an unknown....cant be predicted or made certain ......there is always hope you wont be alone......i wish you much love and hope you find happiness....deb

[ballycastle]

Quite frankly, no... It is all a numbers game and I was on every dating site from Plenty of Fish to OKCupid and from Match to eHarmony.

 

I was the type of person who found acceptance through promiscuity (because I thought that was all I was good for and that know one would ever want me for my brains) and wanted to make sure that I included the particular sexual proclivity in my partner as well as all the other aspects I was looking for.

 

Regardless of the site chosen, stick to your guns and don't give up.

 

You'll be fine - just don't give up and don't change for anybody.

 

Hi CarrieT Thanks, I wish I could PM you, do I need to become a subscriber to do that?? I will take on everyone's advice, but today 15 months post BU, I am still a mess. I am still feeling very vulnerable, very rejected from the last man I ever thought would, so know now is not the time to find someone else. Just the overwhelming feeling of sadness similar to what the other posters feel when I read their messages. I wonder when it will ever end. It gets worse with every BU and I really loved this man that, quite frankly, abandoned me when the going got too hot. Summer seems to be coming here and that for me is the worst time. When everyone all around is planning or going on their holidays, and as usual each year, I am waiting for them to return to hear all about it! I haven't been able to afford a holiday for over 10 years since before my son was born as I am on my own and work part time. I am not posting this for people to think 'woe is me', just shedding background to my life and why perhaps I am feeling a little down. Gets tiring year after year when it feels like friends are moving on with their lives with marriage, getting houses together, holidays, just being part of something with someone. I feel so alone at times. Does anyone else feel like that? Although I have had relationships in that time, they've not worked out, hence the title of my original thread.

 

Anyway, thanks everyone...guess I need more time (and that's what I don't feel I've got). But CarrieT, you have given me some hope that it is possible to find love later in life. But for now....guess I must disappear inside myself, as I feel a burden to y'all.

 

thanks all,

[CarrieT]

I will take on everyone's advice, but today 15 months post BU, I am still a mess.

I had a 26-month relationship with an alcoholic and the ending of that relationship is what brought me to LS (you can go back and read those posts, if you like).

 

In any event, it took over TWO YEARS for me to get over him. Heck, I had a 10-year relationship that wasn't as hard to get over...

 

No one needs to dictate how long it should/will take for you to get over someone. Just have faith that you will and that it will take time. It also helps to do those things in small steps - I'm a firm believer in walk-the-walk and talk-the-talk... If you PRETEND you are happy and force yourself to smile, before you know it, you will be smiling naturally and the happiness will not be forced.