"Girls night out"

[sibernox]

Hello everyone,

 

Just a little background. I am 24, my girlfriend is 21.

 

Said girlfriend went out with her best friend last night to have some drinks. Texted me at around 1:30AM to tell me she's being hit on and being 'harassed', tells me she needs me to pick her up. I let her know that I was with my friends, didn't have my car with me, and I'd get my friend to leave with me asap so we could go pick her up. Half an hour later or so she texts me something like "Ok i am not ok, please come".

 

I tell my friend this, we get in the car at 2:00 and drive downtown asap to pick her up. We pick her up, friend drops us off at my place. No sorry from her, no thank you, nothing. I'm obviously a bit ticked off, we have a bit of a spat. We get over it, and at this point I'm trying to smooth things over so I ask if she took pics of her night, she says yeah and tells me they're on her phone. She sits next to me and as soon as she unlock her phone I see her texts. Random guy's name, some guy named Rick or something, the texts between them went something like this:

 

Her:

Rick the dick

 

Him:

You are that girl

 

 

And that's it. I obviously ask her about it, she claims this dude was hitting on her all night and that's why she wanted me to go and 'save her'. She tells me her and her friend played a game of pool with him and his friend, and then had a drink together, and at some point he asked for her number because he had cats he had to give away, and she works at the SPCA.

 

I told her that this behavior is not acceptable. I've already had trust issues due to an earlier relationship where I got cheated on and now this. What should I do now? Completely ignore this? Set some boundaries? No clue where to go from here... I feel betrayed, angry.

[sibernox]

anyone?

[joemax]

Lay the ground rules, let her know that it is inappropriate for her to give her number to guys in bars.

[StanMusial]

Yeah, she needs to be a little smarter about that... just tell the guy to bring the cats down to the shelter or whatever. Or give him the number to the office.

 

Sometimes girls say they are being harassed but in fact they are encouraging things... I've seen it many times. Better keep an eye on it.

[Jbum5]

Your partner either wanted assurance about your relationship by seeing if you'd actually come to her so-called rescue, or she wanted to let you know that you aren't her only option in a passive aggressive way. She may have also enjoyed the attention from the moron while getting her ego stroked and the relationship between you two secured. What a woman, killing two birds or more with one stone.

[carhill]

I told her that this behavior is not acceptable. I've already had trust issues due to an earlier relationship where I got cheated on and now this. What should I do now? Completely ignore this? Set some boundaries? No clue where to go from here... I feel betrayed, angry.

 

Try something novel. Dump her.

 

Seriously, she's 21. She's feeling her oats. Let her. Date someone your age or older.

[sibernox]

Yeah, she needs to be a little smarter about that... just tell the guy to bring the cats down to the shelter or whatever. Or give him the number to the office.

 

Sometimes girls say they are being harassed but in fact they are encouraging things... I've seen it many times. Better keep an eye on it.

 

That's what I said. Now I have no idea whether the texts I saw were really the only ones. How do I know she didn't delete texts to hide them from me?

 

 

Your partner either wanted assurance about your relationship by seeing if you'd actually come to her so-called rescue, or she wanted to let you know that you aren't her only option in a passive aggressive way. She may have also enjoyed the attention from the moron while getting her ego stroked and the relationship between you two secured. What a woman, killing two birds or more with one stone.

 

I told her I'd be there, I just couldn't leave right away, but I got there as fast as I possibly could.

 

 

Try something novel. Dump her.

 

Seriously, she's 21. She's feeling her oats. Let her. Date someone your age or older.

 

This doesn't feel good I feel weak and I feel like I need to maintain a strong facade in front of her.

[carhill]

It takes a lot of strength to terminate a relationship and be alone. More practice promotes greater confidence. I learned that from my now thrice divorced exW.

[sibernox]

It takes a lot of strength to terminate a relationship and be alone. More practice promotes greater confidence. I learned that from my now thrice divorced exW.

 

You think I should end it because of her giving the number?

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Date a girl under 25 if you're looking for a good time. If you're looking for something serious, go for 25+.

 

Of course, just because they're older doesn't mean they're not immature and won't cheat. But you have a better chance.

[carhill]

If you were to choose between a woman who didn't breach your boundaries of acceptable behavior and this one, right now, this minute, what would you do? Imagine you could make that choice this minute, all else being equal. Think about that.

[Imajerk17]

I would strongly consider breaking up with her. Too much drama. What is worse, she seems unrepentant--ungrateful for her drama. What if your friend couldn't give you a ride?

 

She exchanged numbers with "Rick the dick" because he has kittens he wants to find a home for? LOL yeah right. The texts between them show that this is BS.

Edited May 5, 2013 by Imajerk17

[sibernox]

I would strongly consider breaking up with her. Too much drama. What is worse, she seems unrepentant--ungrateful for her drama. What if your friend couldn't give you a ride?

 

She exchanged numbers with "Rick the dick" because he has kittens he wants to find a home for? LOL yeah right. The texts between them show that this is BS.

 

Right? The texts seem sketchy no? I thought that too but I can't pinpoint what it is to tell her. Can you help me out? What made you raise a red flag when you saw them?

[joemax]

Right? The texts seem sketchy no? I thought that too but I can't pinpoint what it is to tell her. Can you help me out? What made you raise a red flag when you saw them?

 

It's just sketchy...

Rick the Dick? come on...

[ascendotum]

I'm inclined to think it could be along the lines of what jbum said. I think she is just out having fun, and 2 girls on their own are definitely going to get a succession of guys approach them during the night. Chances are they are going to love the attention, its natural but she needs to let them know she is not single when they start to get too fresh. If the guys are too sleazy/creepy they can ignore them they generally move on to other prospects. There was also the option of moving on to another bar/club I'm guessing if they are in town. How were they planning on coming home if the night went according to plan (taxi, all night shuttle bus), and why not do that?

 

She should have just told that Rick guy the public number/address for the animal shelter...its not a fikken client service. (seems like she txt'd him first too)

[sibernox]

I'm inclined to think it could be along the lines of what jbum said. I think she is just out having fun, and 2 girls on their own are definitely going to get a succession of guys approach them during the night. Chances are they are going to love the attention, its natural but she needs to let them know she is not single when they start to get too fresh. If the guys are too sleazy/creepy they can ignore them they generally move on to other prospects. There was also the option of moving on to another bar/club I'm guessing if they are in town. How were they planning on coming home if the night went according to plan (taxi, all night shuttle bus), and why not do that?

 

She should have just told that Rick guy the public number/address for the animal shelter...its not a fikken client service. (seems like she txt'd him first too)

 

That's what I said too. Leave, tell THEM to go away. She invited the attention, I'm sure. That's why it hurts so much. Do I not give her enough attention? Third girl that does this to me, is it me?

[StanMusial]

That's what I said. Now I have no idea whether the texts I saw were really the only ones. How do I know she didn't delete texts to hide them from me?

 

 

Well it doesn't really matter if it was 1 text or 100. She's 21 and probably enjoys getting attention from guys. Unfortunately she has a boyfriend, although maybe not for long.

 

I've had gfs before that tried to make me jealous. Jealousy is a terrible emotion and a destructive force in a relationship and I don't like it and I don't play those games.

[sibernox]

Well it doesn't really matter if it was 1 text or 100. She's 21 and probably enjoys getting attention from guys. Unfortunately she has a boyfriend, although maybe not for long.

 

I've had gfs before that tried to make me jealous. Jealousy is a terrible emotion and a destructive force in a relationship and I don't like it and I don't play those games.

 

Can you help me out with what I should say to her when I see her later? How I should word everything? Please

[StanMusial]

Can you help me out with what I should say to her when I see her later? How I should word everything? Please

 

"I don't care if you go out and have fun with your friends. I like to go out and have fun with my friends too. However I don't think you should give your phone number to guys you meet in bars. If they are interested in the SPCA give them the number to the office or tell them to drop by and you can help them with that."

[sibernox]

"I don't care if you go out and have fun with your friends. I like to go out and have fun with my friends too. However I don't think you should give your phone number to guys you meet in bars. If they are interested in the SPCA give them the number to the office or tell them to drop by and you can help them with that."

 

 

Thank you!

[Sith Apprentice]

A woman giving out her number to other men is going to be a deal breaker for me. Women with boyfriends don't go to bars and if she does she can never be trusted.

[JessieJ08]

First She is lying Im a female who has a man and we both go out and I never put any dudes number in my phone that I meet dt specially if its a creep hitting on me... her reason for even having his number sounds like a bunch of BS

 

Sorry and another thing if she is old enough to be out she needs to be responsible for herself Yeah your her boyfriend but its not your job to bail her out when she gets in bad situations because she chooses to go out and be around that crowd of people.

 

A female who goes out and doesn't make the proper plans to get home safe and sound is prob not that responsible for herself which means every time she goes out she will be getting in situations that will leave her around the wrong type of guys and girl friends.

 

you should def say if she can't be responsible for herself then maybe she doesn't need to go out when she is in a relationship because trust me that atmosphere you have to make it safe for yourself not the person your in a relationship with... thats very immature!

[Zelias]

It's quite simple, dumb the gal, move on, she goes with her friend to a bar and doesn't expect to get hit on, BS, this is going to cause you a lot of problems in the future, she is a waste of your time, you deserve better, listen to us, movie on and dump her

 

You - We need to talk

Her- about what?

You- that night at the bar, with Rick the Dick

Her - what about it or something similar

Text her to meet you somewhere in person, not in your house or hers, somewhere public but not too many people

 

"The fact that you gave your number to Rick is not a good move because you have me, if you do not like me or have moved on, tell me now what's up, or we're done"

 

if she starts arguing, do NOT give in with her dumb emotions, you make it clear

 

"because of your actions, I'm no longer interested in you and this is a break up"

 

Obviously she will start saying crap about how she wasn't, this and that

do not fall for that, end it right there

 

"We're done period, but I hear Rick is available, he already has your number, you're all set"

 

Get up and leave

 

That will teach the b.i.t.ch

[Jane2011]

Honestly, I think this is sort of an overreaction. I'm not saying women, even though they have boyfriends, should go to bars and flirt with men and accept all kinds of attention and phone numbers. But the girl called you to tell you a guy was bugging her, come get her. Of course she's going to talk to people, including the opposite sex, while out. That's sort of the point of going out. You'll even get some dudes who want to exchange numbers for things like cat exchanges, etc. It's not unheard of that she gave her number *truly* for the purpose of having him drop off some cats. Or just gave her number in general. People often are social animals even when in relationships.

 

And this isn't coming from some young girl who wants to create a justification for sly cheating or sly flirting. I'm well into my 30s, have been in a five and a half year relationship in which I never cheated (and I count a kiss on the lips as cheating), and am currently in a relationship of 9 months in which I have never cheated, nor do I go to bars much. But I happened to be in one last night (more like a restaurant that had lots of cocktails; still quite enough of a 'bar feel' to be called a bar), with my boyfriend, for the book reception of a friend of mine. I talked to a bunch of men, and am more social in general than my boyfriend. Also, I'd say that there have been various times that I, while in a relationship, briefly humored some guy's interest in me via text. Very briefly and very light. And it wasn't 'encouraging' them. It was more like "haha...i'm flattered. you'll find someone soon though" (and other than that, just talking about regular things). Not ongoing, ever.

 

I'm not saying cheating doesn't happen, but trust me when I say plenty of women out there aren't trying to cheat on you just because they talk to a guy who's interested in them, for like a day. If it's ongoing, that's another thing. But if it's that they traded a few texts and it was purely joking/light/social...and then let it trail off, that really isn't, in my mind, a huge deal.

 

I think relationships are important and should be respected, but one thing I don't like about them is the way people hold each other so close, feel easily threatened by anyone of the opposite sex. People protect the sanctity of their relationship by saying "just don't put yourself even remotely in the realm of any possible even slight temptation," and to me, that is a bit too much.

 

I wouldn't want to keep someone on so short a leash. I mean, how satisfying is it to know that the main reason they stay with you is that their exposure to others, including their charms and mild attempts at winning over, is strictly overseen and curbed?

 

I'm not saying that one shouldn't be wary of a girlfriend who flirts with guys at bars, but I'd judge this on a case by case basis. And from what you've written here, it seems like an overreaction so far.

 

Oh yeah, last fall I had a guy text me off and on for about a month. He knew I had a boyfriend but kept trying anyway. I was nice to him. And I"d given him my number under similar circumstances as your gf....some sort of hobby, event, info-relaying, etc. Never saw him in person, never cheated. Never even wanted to. I just don't go around saying "I can't talk to you, period, because I have a boyfriend."

Edited May 6, 2013 by Jane2011

[crederer]

Whatever her intentions were, giving her number to strange men at bars is completely crossing the line. It's is very disrespectful towards you and I don't think you're overreacting at all.

 

If you want to salvage this you need to tell her that her behavior was inappropriate and the next time something like that happens, you're hitting the road.

 

I think it will most likely happen again at some point though so maybe just expedite the process and leave now.