Infusion Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 It's been three weeks since my girlfriend went off to university (8 hours away), and we haven't exactly been coping with it too well. Last week we got into a few arguments and it wasn't exactly pretty, since both of us were still upset for a while. It got to a point where she was talking to me less and less, and then finally she said she was trying to think of me less so that she won't have to miss me so much (but that was mostly because she was upset at me). Anyways, we are on much better terms now and I've been writing her emails and calling her sometimes. If anyone has any pointers or tips on how to cope with a long distance relationship, I am sure I can put them to good use. Thanks alot. Link to post Share on other sites
mighty bop Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 What you should do ASAP is break up with her because she is in college now and you know what happens there. Don't think she is gonna be a good little girl and not party, etc. Plus you guys are fighting? Trust me on this one....... Chris Link to post Share on other sites
holler21 Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 hey, Chris ur talking out of ur backside, not all girls r slags, just cos she is at college, meeting new people and having a good time, dont mean shes gna cheat on her boyfriend! To Infusion, its not gna be easy having a LDR but shes stressed out prob and so are u, notjust with the LDR but with her starting at coll. my bf has just gone to uni (3 hours away) and he said that we shudnt fink too much bout it, but were texting every day and we've already spoken a few times on da fone (hate it tho, lol), obviously he will go out but its all down to trusting them sooo Infusion just make sure u dont neglect her, arrange a date where either u see her or she sees u so u have something to look forward to, send loadz of texts/emails telling her u love her, and call her sometimes which u are, and try different things, like maybe send a letter/parcel, or use webcam if u both av one, b4 my bf left i did him a CD with all our fav songs so far (we've only bin seeing each otha 2months so der aint dat many!) so if u havent done that yet maybe thats summat to consider...if ur meant to be u will be! good luck man Link to post Share on other sites
mighty bop Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 I guess I should have asked how long the two of you have been together. If it's been a long time, you really shouldn't have anything to worry about, just make sure you keep in contact with her. If it hasn't been very long, I say move on. Either way it's college, after all...... Chris Link to post Share on other sites
Author Infusion Posted October 5, 2004 Author Share Posted October 5, 2004 Well she broke up with me today, my life is going downhill. I lost her, I am not doing well in my university program, and I am absolutely depressed... I need help. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 LDR's require an ENORMOUS amount of mental stamina and focus. When you see someone often, the physical aspect of the relationship, or just simply doing stuff together, acts a a powerful reinforcing agent in the relationship. Infusion....I know this is hard for you, but the last thing you need is to take this personally. This girl is far away from you, with a new life, which would only include you peripherally, in any case, had you stayed together. She's going to be making new friends, meeting new people (yes, boys included), and she is going to have lots of things to occupy her mind. She won't forget about you, but this break-up WILL leave a hole in her that she is going to fill up with other stuff. You have to learn to do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Anais Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Originally posted by Infusion If anyone has any pointers or tips on how to cope with a long distance relationship, I am sure I can put them to good use. Thanks alot. Hi, I am not sure if this will be helpful for you but it works for us. I am having LDR with my husband. 24 hours away with flying! We have to wait till next summer to move together. First of all understanding and trust are important along with the strong personality. We are more connected than many couples that live together. He gets up 6am every morning when I have evening to talk with me on phone before going to work. We have hard time to come out of phone. When he gets home he goes online to chat a bit online while I am at work. And it is not that he is forced to call, I always tell him: how about missing a day so you can sleep in? And he will always say no. It is very sweet. We do unforgettable vacations and dream about the life together next year and make lots of plans. He knows every single thing that is going on with me. I answer him with same attention. I am surviving fine the distance and all problems---though it can be really hard sometimes. Like today in few hours I will be 30 years old and I couldn’t share my special day with him. If you love her you should find a way to be more attentive to her needs to her dreams what does she breath with every day. Good luck. A. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Infusion Posted October 5, 2004 Author Share Posted October 5, 2004 anais, I wish I could still take your advice, but I guess now it's too late for that, I just got dumped today. And to think that it isn't the first time I've been dumped, that's a sad feeling, I feel like a ragdoll that has absolutely no power at all. How can i ever go out there and date again? I loved her so much but we are now apart, I had no say in the decision either. well, thanks for your input anways Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Oh, you'll go date again, that's for certain. Problem is, you're gonna waste time mourning and fretting. People always do. And when you do start dating again, you're gonna kick yourself for wasting all that time. Link to post Share on other sites
Anais Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Sorry to hear you have bad time now. We all have been there and know how it feels. Everyone goes on. You will do too. Link to post Share on other sites
irishgirl22 Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Breakups hurt - that is what we know for sure. When you grow a little, you'll realize that when one door closes, another opens. Think about possibly being able to feel this way about another person who is totally into you. Wouldn't you rather have that? It's all about being okay with you, only then will you be okay in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Infusion Posted October 6, 2004 Author Share Posted October 6, 2004 She broke up with me at a time when I needed her most. I expected her to be the one to give me the most support or advice for me (about switching into another university program). My parents are furious about me wanting to switch into another program and they are deeply dissapointed in me. On top of that I have a terrible cold and a midterm test on friday (which I am absolutely unprepared for). I wish I knew she didn't had to break up with me at a time like this, I am extremely dissapointed in her and sometimes wish that we never talk again. Am I being rational? What should I really do? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
iceprincess Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 Originally posted by Infusion She broke up with me at a time when I needed her most. I expected her to be the one to give me the most support or advice for me (about switching into another university program). My parents are furious about me wanting to switch into another program and they are deeply dissapointed in me. On top of that I have a terrible cold and a midterm test on friday (which I am absolutely unprepared for). I wish I knew she didn't had to break up with me at a time like this, I am extremely dissapointed in her and sometimes wish that we never talk again. Am I being rational? What should I really do? Thanks I always say "education before anything else". Don't let your academics go down the hill! You're just in a lot of pain and I know you hurt because of the the break-up but you should try to better yourself. I always immerse myself in my homework, reading, family, and friends whenever I'm mad at my BF for saying something "dumb" to me. You should keep up with your schooling and who knows, she may miss you enough (I know she has to miss you!) to call you and try to work things out. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
irishgirl22 Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 You can't lose by concentrating on school. It is somthing that you need to do for you. My situation isn't much different from yours. I am a bit older I think but I am a college student too. I have 3 boys and live in the southwest with no family. My husband has been cheating on me (12 years of sacrifices) and I was devastated. I mean, how could he do this to me after all I did for him and especially when I am trying to go to school? However, through the storm I have learned to live with myself and to be okay with who I am. I know, believe me, that it is extremely hard to focus on anything at all when you are having relationship problems. But, if you jeopardize your health, your education, etc. I fear you will deeply regret it in the long run. I ended up in the E.R. the other night with chest pains. I am 31 for Gods sake! You know what they said to me? It was from stress. So, my boys aren't getting what they need from me because I am focusing on the decisions my husband made. I have no choice in what he does. I only have a choice on what my focus is and what is important to me. Be angry but use that anger to motivate you. Be the better person, find your inner strength. Take a deep breath, take a few days off if you can and refocus. Exercise works wonders and the best thing I've done for myself is finding a support group. A small group of closest friends (only the ones I knew I could count on) got a phone call from me and I told them all what I was going through. I let them know that I was having alot of trouble and told them exactly how I needed their help. It has been wonderful to have that extra support because you cannot do it by yourself. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Infusion Posted October 7, 2004 Author Share Posted October 7, 2004 She's coming back this weekend for thanksgiving and she told me that she wanted to see me. But as much as I want to see her, I think the situation now is different. If i really do see her, wouldn't that be like giving in and letting her think that i'll always be there even though she dumped me? She thinks we should still talk to each other, but I don't know if I should still talk to her. I am deeply depressed and dissapointed that she left me at a time when I needed her most. The other day when I was trying to deal with all my problems I was still happy when I thought that despite everything I still have her. But not anymore. The worst just got worse. I think I'll regret it if I don't ever talk to her again, but then a part of me tells me that I should be strong and cut her out of my life completely. Yet then again I don't want to be stupid and not have a chance to have her back at all. But do I even want her back after what she did to me? I am so confused I wish it was all just a bad nightmare but it isn't. I need a lot of help Link to post Share on other sites
irishgirl22 Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 I think that you need to think it through. Only you know what the best decision is. Don't lose focus on school though. Think really hard about who you are, what you want and what you will and will not accept from her. You may have just hit a few potholes in the road and this relationship will endure. Or, you may be at a turning point and it is time to start making some serious changes in your life. Like I said before, there is someone out there for everyone. But, if you settle on this one and your aren't sure it is right, you leave no opportunities open for other relationships. Not only that, but you need to finish this relationship, tie up all the loose ends and be done with it before you move on anyway. Seems to me that she is the one who decide to break up in the first place. Was it because she was feeling overwhelmed and wanted a break? Was it because you were freaking out because she was gone? Maybe she thought that it was too hard for you, her being gone and wanted to spare you those feelings. Or maybe she is ready to move on? I would keep distance from her before she comes home. Talk once a week and let her call you or email you once in a while. If you seem too needy, she will run, believe me. Then, once she is home, let her make the effort to see you. If she does this, sit down and have a heart to heart with her and lay it all out on the line. Tell her how you feel. I will guarantee that once you hear her responses, your gut will tell you what the next step is. ............ Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Infusion Posted October 7, 2004 Author Share Posted October 7, 2004 It started when she came back to her residence one night. I was talking to her about switching out of my program in university, and wanted her advice /support on it. I thought she would be the one to give me the most support because she knows me the best. However, it didn't quite turn out like that and she wasn't paying much attention to what i was telling her. Instead, she was talking to a few people on MSN and didn't really give me much support (didn't really tell me much). I got upset and told her that I've been talking about it with my friends and they all gave me more support than her. We talked more that night and then finally she asked that we break up. She said she tried her best and nothing worked, and that she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Infusion Posted October 10, 2004 Author Share Posted October 10, 2004 Well I saw her today, it was hard to talk to her, but she showed that she still cares about me and questioned me about all the problems I am having right now. However, I found it very hard to talk to her, as if she was a completely different person. We sat in the park for a few hours talking very slowing and then finally she cried when we talked about the breakup. She then began to act very differently and did not stop crying until a little before I dropped her back home. She said it felt like tonight is the last night that we'll see each other, and also asked me: "what is going to happen next?" Anyways, I told her I'll see her one more time (on Monday) before she heads back to university. I have no idea what I should do now, I told her I won't cut her out of my life no matter what, and she told me that she'll be there for me for as long as I want her to be. However, as much as I want her in my life, sometimes it's very difficult to talk her, who really cares about me, but dumps me at a time when I needed her most. However, if she really did care about me, then why would she dump me at a time that I need her the most. Any input is appreciated, thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Anais Posted October 10, 2004 Share Posted October 10, 2004 It is not good to put all your stress on your partner. Since she was crying I think she still has feelings for you and the reason she broke up with you is that you have been too hard! You told her that your friends are better as she cannot give you advice that you need. She has her own problems! LDR needs lots of efforts and understanding. I had a boyfriend once who was complaining about his studies all day long. Actually, my first husband was the same. You have a problem just solve it! Do it without crying, no one likes it. Try to talk with her and tell that you know it wasn’t right to put all your stress on her and that you will work hard to give the relationship a try. My 2 cents and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
megg Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 its insane how much what your going through mirrors the experience im going through ... my boyfriend and i had the perfect relationship ... and he is without a doubt my best friend ... our long distance issue is a little different though ... he went away to univeristy (he's on a hockey scholorship to yale) but his family lives in newfoundland ... and i live in niagara falls canada ... he came to the falls to play hockey for three years ... thats how we met ... i love him more than ne thing in the world ... then out of nowhere one day he dumped me ... his mum said hes not coming to the falls this summer anymore ... it felt like sumone shot me right thru the heart ... and ur right ... it sucks so much when u have absolutly no say in the matter ... and especially for me bcuz it came out of nowhere ... and our only problem was distance ... everything that you post on here i have been feeling ... he is coming back to the falls for a night december 18th ... and i am also not sure if i want to see him ... i mean why does he feel he can walk in and out of my life whenever he damn well pleases ... he tells me im still a priority in his life ... just love isnt right now ... whatever that means ... but he says he still loves me all the time ... its hard when you have to live with sumone elses decision ... when if it were u ... ur decision would be the exact opposite ... we have been broken up for a little over a month now ... an di thought i coudl tolerate the talking on the phone ... and he still wants me to come visit ... and he wants to come to florida with my family in the march break still ... but i couldnt ... and i cant ... as of right now i have talked to him in a week and it kills me ... but as happy as i am talking to him ... i am equally, if not more, sad. it alwasy turns into a conversation about the breakup and me crying like those girls you see on tv that you swear ull never turn out like lol ... im trying to get everything in order ... my grades went down a bit too ... cuz everything just seemed to fall apart after this happened ... but you have to realize as big of a part she was in ur life ... shes not ur life ... as hard as it is ... and i assure u i know its hard ... u have to deal with it ... im trying to ... wasnt successful at first but im getting thru it slowly ... breaking up suckssssss ... but if it was meant to be it will be ... dont sacrifice your happiness for a person who when times got tough could so easily dissmiss you from there life ... my boyfriend didnt do ne thing wrong with the breakup ... i cant hate him for not having ne time for me ? i could never ask him to put his life on hold ... i know this is hard on my b/f as im shure it is on ur g/f ... and dude if shes not dwelling much time on the situation ... do yourself a favour and get out and have some fun ... yea u guys can still talk on occassion ... i think i will still do that with my ex ... in about a month ... i just needed to break away from the situation and think about what i want ... what i want to accomplish ... and for once its actually nice to think about just me ... i love him ... and i always will ... but i dont think you ever stop loving sumone ... u just learn to live without them . keep your head up ... i mean it can only go up from here ... atleast thats what everyone keeps telling me . Link to post Share on other sites
unducky Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 i have found when you fight and are away it dosent have realy to do with weekness in the relation ship. just it is an easy way out, to destroy it and have it end than to hold on and feel how bad you realy miss the person Link to post Share on other sites
Author Infusion Posted April 27, 2005 Author Share Posted April 27, 2005 looking back at when i posted my last message, it's really been quite some time since anything big is happening with my girlfriend. Since then.. we miraculously stayed broken up until I visited her during my reading week (for two days at her place plus a week when she came back with me for her reading week). Before I went up there (10 hours by subway + train + greyhound bus..), I told myself that I would never talk to her again after that, and that seeing her was my way of keeping one last good memory of her in my mind before we part. However, it turns out that when we got back together, we were alot happier than we ever were before, and I could feel that the love she felt for me had grown. We got back together then and had less arguments than we did before in the two months that followed. Everything seeemed to be going well until she talked of her future, as she doesn't know what she wants to major in at university. At present she is taking various courses at university to evaluate her interest in each of them.. without luck. When she was back here for the one week following my two day visit, we had a great time together and she even talked about switching ot my university next year because she doesn't like being so far away and she wants the relationship to work. Although now she made up her mind to not only stay at her university, she also made up her mind to not talk to me next year and to breakup with me once again. Time and time again I asked her for the reasons, and she assures me that it's not because she wants to be with other guys. From what she told me, she said that she does not want a relationship during university. She thinks that missing me and not being able to see me is painful and does not want this problem to persist next year. As understanding as I am, I believe that this should only be a small obstacle and that our relationship will not always be like that.. which is likely true. Now though.. with her not wanting to talk to me /have a relationship with me for the next 4 years, I seriously doubt that she'll be back into my life when we talk again. It's depressing enough to realize that I have got no say in the decision, but on top of that I realized that this summer is going to be a slow, painful, and melancholoic countdown to the end of my 2 year relationship with a girl I love so much. She told me she cried endlessly during the time she made her decision, but i was not told about the decision until i noticed something wrong with our interactions on the phone... until a month later when i persistently asked her until she dropped a clue and finally told me because I got mad. As of now, she has more or less moved on with her life, and she tells me that everything will work out, for better or for worse... In two days my last exam will be over and already I've been having difficulty focusing on studying, sleeping, and failing to dig a way out of my depressive state of mind. She feels nothing right now and whenever i wish to talk about her decision in more detail, she becomes extremely irritated and hangs up the phone... everytime. What is more sad than chasing after someone who is unintentionally constantly running away from you? I try to feel happy and optimisitic, but i know that even the greatest optimism and laughters cannot substitute for my tears. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 See what happens when you play with fire? I know because I have done it too. Once a person breaks up with you... it is over. I had taken back my ex a million times before finally ending it myself. We kept getting back together and each time the new break up was more devastating and heart breaking, yet I still let him come back and welcomed him back. Once she broke up with you the first time, you should not have taken her back. In fact, WHY? did you go up and visit her when you had no relationship to begin with. And now, you are not only letting her break your heart, but you are letting her affect your grades... Now you are LETTING her control your life, instead of living it for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Infusion Posted April 27, 2005 Author Share Posted April 27, 2005 At around the same time she told me about her decision, she stopped talking to one of her friends. They were just causually talking on the internet and then after that day she blocked her and completely stopped talking to her. She tells me that her friend has been writing her emails asking her to get together during the summer. She read them all right, but didn't reply to any one of them. Is it possible that someone can just put aside their feelings so easily? I am starting to think that she is doing the same thing with me with regards to her feelings. This friend of hers isn't simply an acquaintance either, but a friend that she have had for more than 6 years... Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Is it possible that someone can just put aside their feelings so easily? It wasn't that easy. She was convincing herself to break up with you, probably months before you heard anything about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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