Have I cheated?

[hesh86]

First off, I am getting married in less than one month to an amazing woman.

 

Recently, I suggested the idea to my fiance that we should go for sensual couples massage before we get married. I refuse to have a bachelor's party since it seemed selfish (she does not want a bachelorette party). With a sensual massage, we both would be together and have fun mutually, I reckoned.

 

Initially, she was unsure if she wanted to get a sensual massage with me, saying I could go do it alone if I wanted. A few days later I checked to see if she made up her mind and she said she was 'weirded out' at the thought and was uncomfortable being in that situation. She suggested hiring a stripper instead.

 

But last night, I couldn't resist the urge and hired a lady for a body rub. NO sex was involved, but there was touching. To be honest, I didn't like it and felt I overpaid. I would rather get this done from my fiancee. I also feel disgusted. I don't ever want to do this again.

 

So now I feel guilty. Does this count as cheating? I don't want to tell her. She will feel like I don't love her anymore, but on the contrary, I value her even more now!

[mammasita]

If she feels like you love her less, she has issues. Because you feel like you can't tell her because she will think you love her less tells me that you guys have a major flaw in your relationship.

 

I'd focus on that before getting married. From where I'm sitting, continuing on will end up in you keeping secrets to save face.

 

To answer your question though, I don't see what you did as cheating. If it were me, I would be upset that you didn't tell me the truth....which leads back to the main problem.....your lack of and fear of truth and communication in your relationship.

[hesh86]

Thanks for the reply. I am assuming that is what she will say. She can get insecure sometimes. She might be fine with it too... i've never done something like this so its hard to say. Apparently she is not insecure when it comes to strippers...

[KraftDinner]

What sort of touching? And also, did you tell your fiancee that you were getting this massage?

[carhill]

But last night, I couldn't resist the urge and hired a lady for a body rub. NO sex was involved, but there was touching. To be honest, I didn't like it and felt I overpaid. I would rather get this done from my fiancee.

 

By the LS generally accepted description of what 'cheating' is, yep, you cheated.

 

You performed a behavior with a person of your sexual preference which your fiance would apparently have disapproved of had it been performed in front of her and have not disclosed the act prior or subsequent.

 

She was 'weirded out' and 'uncomfortable' with your suggestion.

 

You could have gotten the massage from a man, right?

[hesh86]

I actually did suggest getting the couples massage from a man - she just laughed at the idea. I think she would have been weirded out by that also.

[hesh86]

It was touching privates. It was a spur of the moment decision, so I did not tell her.

[carhill]

If your genitals were involved and you didn't disclose, cheating, for sure. I don't say that as an accusation of unhealthy moral character, rather an assessment of the act. Plenty of people cheat but it doesn't matter to them because it 'didn't mean anything'. Trust me, you're surrounded by them.

 

With the massage out of the way, now focus on furthering a healthy relationship, including transparency, to transition into married life. Good luck.

[KraftDinner]

It was touching privates. It was a spur of the moment decision, so I did not tell her.

 

Yes, that's cheating.

 

But not as bad as some...honestly, you should tell her everything.

[Joaquin]

You went with a hooker a month before getting married . Nice work. See how that goes down if you tell miss wife to be.

[hesh86]

I did not tell my fiancee because a short while back she seemed to be OK with me doing it solo. She was not clear about how she feels about me doing this now.

The lady was not a hooker. She was an erotic masseuse.

[Joaquin]

Hooker... erotic masseuse.

 

You gotta hand job.

 

Tomato tomatoe.

[carhill]

The most recent perspective controls, prior to the act. When you 'checked in' and asked her if she had 'made up her mind', she gave you an answer. You then proceeded with knowledge of the answer.

 

For more insight on this, a round of PMC could be helpful. I mention this as you apparently have a quandary surrounding this issue and have brought it here to discuss it. IMO, healthier discussion may be effected between the two of you (yourself and your betrothed) in front of a professional. Sort through the communication and then work the issue out so such similar quandaries in the future will be less likely to happen.

[Darren Steez]

My dear boy..not good. So your fiance hints she's not comfortable with something, hoping that she wouldn't hurt your feelings and you'd take a hint and drop it, then you went ahead and did it anyway?

 

Not really good for the whole trust thing is it? She laid down a boundary and you went ahead and pole vaulted over that sucker..and surely when being massaged on your privates..you can feel the hands starting to make their way down there, unless she was massaging your chest and suddenly leaped towards them which is doubtful...so....why didn't you stop it?

[Eggplant]

But last night, I couldn't resist the urge and hired a lady for a body rub. NO sex was involved, but there was touching. To be honest, I didn't like it and felt I overpaid. I would rather get this done from my fiancee. I also feel disgusted. I don't ever want to do this again.

 

So the hiring was impulsive? I assume you were motivated by sexual desire. Did she touch your penis?

 

I don't think whether you ended up liking it was relevant to whether is was cheating, although it may make your fiancée feel better that you didn't like it.

 

Why would you risk your relationship over a hand job?? What would you think if your fiancée hired a man to do a similar thing? Was it a wild oats thing, or what was the whole idea?

[ChessPieceFace]

What you did was trashy and stupid. At least you didn't like it. In an ideal world you could come clean and let her understand you didn't even like what happened. However, you were dishonest; also, women care about emotion far more than logic. So, you won't be able to reason away what you did, and stand mostly to lose from coming clean.

 

If you liked what happened, I'd say you were irredeemable. As it is you just did something really stupid. Don't talk to her about it, move forward and don't make the same mistake again.

[hesh86]

It was impulsive. Thinking it through more now, I do realize it was cheating. I don't know what is worse. That I cheated or that I was in denial of cheating the whole time. I never thought I would do something like this. In fact, I would be the one constantly chastising cheaters for their behavior. And like I said, I was going after something that I now realize was not worth it. I have everything I need with my fiancee.

 

The question now is do I deal with this alone, or is it fair to tell her so that she thinks deeply before deciding to spend the rest of her life with me? I know I will not do this again, because frankly I am grossed out by it. But then again I 'knew' I would not do what I did yesterday.

[hesh86]

I definitely did not like what happened. I was under the impression that she would be OK, but knowing her, I think she would just be in tears if I told her.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

The question now is do I deal with this alone, or is it fair to tell her so that she thinks deeply before deciding to spend the rest of her life with me? I know I will not do this again, because frankly I am grossed out by it. But then again I 'knew' I would not do what I did yesterday.

 

 

 

You DON'T TELL HER!!

 

 

The general rule of thumb is: IF there is any realistic avenue for the partner to learn of your cheating/dalliance/act on their own, then you tell them first (to avoid their having to know the worse experience that would be finding out from others). If there is no realistic means/expectation of the partner finding out, then you never tell them (to spare them from having to be dragged-down by your wrong). (telling them is a purely selfish move done only to assuage your own guilt at the expense of the partner) (and two wrongs don't make a right).

 

The foolish responses to follow will make mention of the partner having a 'right to know', but that simply isn't part of this equation, as you are the one here on Loveshack, presumably with the intent of doing what's best for the two of you as a couple.

[LonelyInsomniac]

You DON'T TELL HER!!

 

 

The general rule of thumb is: IF there is any realistic avenue for the partner to learn of your cheating/dalliance/act on their own, then you tell them first (to avoid their having to know the worse experience that would be finding out from others). If there is no realistic means/expectation of the partner finding out, then you never tell them (to spare them from having to be dragged-down by your wrong). (telling them is a purely selfish move done only to assuage your own guilt at the expense of the partner) (and two wrongs don't make a right).

 

The foolish responses to follow will make mention of the partner having a 'right to know', but that simply isn't part of this equation, as you are the one here on Loveshack, presumably with the intent of doing what's best for the two of you as a couple.

 

Have fun living a lie and watching the snowball grow.