Sometimes I am not strong enough...

[LeopardX]

Hi all,

 

I just tried on a dress I had with heels w/out tights obviously planning to wear them with tights and for the first time in a while saw myself in the mirror at home in broad daylight and spent 10 mins sobbing hard so I had to do something to stop myself and writing was the first thing that occurred to me.

 

Just over 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Lichen Planus which is an auto immune skin condition. It is mostly subsided now save for a few active lesions. But it's left me covered everywhere in very dark marks particularly on my legs. Thankfully not on my face. And no I am not exaggerating that they look very unattractive; I have had spots from chicken pox before which cleared up and I didn't fret much.

 

I'm fairly attractive, social and happy go lucky; and more recently I do my best to make sure I am making myself happy; but it affects the quality of my life in that I have wear dark tights and or trousers every time but more importantly I can't go swimming or go to the beach like normal women. I am also quite restricted in what I can wear but I make the best of it. Most people can't tell except for my arms so it's usually uncomfortable having to field questions about why I am wearing thick tights in summer to work etc. When I was first diagnosed I was with my first boyfriend who bless him didn't care about it but I always felt inadequate because I felt he could be with someone who didn't look revolting and I pushed him away as much as I could (I know it was the wrong approach); we eventually broke up because I felt we wanted different things. I believe he still loves me but that's by the way. My more recent ex also didn't care about it and for a while also I felt inadequate but then I got round to it and I remember him being very proud of me for walking about naked regardless of my spots (I used to cover up as much as I could before). Anyway we're broken up now so that's also in the past.

 

For the most part I have come to accept that I can't change it but it still hurts terribly how awful it can make me feel. I am quite resigned in being alone which seems slightly dramatic as I have had 2 bfs who didn't care about my skin, but I don't think I can let myself be vulnerable to another person again with this (you always hear men and women going on about how they like women with great skin). I'm quite scared of dating and such things because I don't want to be disappointed. I know that I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't look past something like that but I am only human and it'll hurt, however slightly.

 

Most importantly I hate times like this that I feel sorry for myself. I have a lot to be grateful for yet I have just spent a while crying. I don't know why it had to happen to me or what I did to deserve it. Those questions crop up once in a while because you know, it is true. See what I mean.. Sigh

 

I'd ordinarily discuss issues like this with a partner but I am single atm so my option there is non-existent. I would tell my siblings but I am older than them and don't want to get them worried about me. And I don't feel comfortable discussing such things with friends. I've never had that sort of relationship with a friend where I am comfortable discussing personal topics and being vulnerable - and I don't think I want it really.

 

I don't know what I was hoping to achieve by writing this - Maybe someone who would have a similar experience or would understand; and yes it is one of those things you'd have to experience to understand.

 

Thank you for reading this far if you did.. And any kind words you may have to share will be much appreciated.

Edited May 5, 2013 by LeopardX