MM wants to go ahead proceeding with our plan

[Mount]

Yes, thanks. To give MM credit, he had brought many times about the age difference during last 11 months, to ask me if think through about it.

 

Also, to answer MB's previous post, due to very busy work and also not much new about me and the MM, that is why not much update here anyway.

 

Not sure if no news is good news, or the opposite applies here.

 

How much age difference mount? It sounds like a lot. You better think really hard about this, just in case he does pull the trigger. Not many relationships that start as affairs work out long term mount and you'll have another strike against you with a big age difference.

[LoveBitesButSoDoI]

My ex-mm would say he was going to tell her on Sunday, but Sunday's would come & go because of Mother's Day, Father's Day, an anniversary, a graduation, it was always something on every Sunday. Then one Sunday he was a complete a-hole to me. Take a wild guess what I did.

 

In your case, a year is a bit long to be stringing someone along.

 

Just remember, actions speak louder than words.

Edited May 6, 2013 by LoveBitesButSoDoI

[Got it]

Mount,

 

My advice, he seek legal advice prior to doing anything including telling his wife. He hire an attorney and hammer out with the attorney the best next steps and follow his attorney's advice. His attorney will advise him on whether he should tell his wife about the affair as well.

 

In regards to work and affair, it depends on state, country and company's policies. I will say that unless you two are supervisor/subordinate the affair does not weigh in at work as much as individuals try and push. But I would read your Employee Handbook and see what it says. Be prepared that the wife may try and out you two at work but that does not always happen as the fear of him losing his job will impact financial decisions. It may be a stick used in divorce proceedings.

 

And finally, whether or not getting an extension is acceptable is up to you. Like most things in life, it is hard to plan things out in black and white with no adaptation. But he will need to have whatever timeline he needs, you can agree to it and stay with him or not agree and ask for some space/break up. I would recommend, watch is actions. If he has been solid up to this point then I think another month is a reasonable accommodation and decide that if nothing happens after this you can make some hard decisions.

[Mount]

That was exactly what I told him as well your following bold part.

 

Because he was telling me all the outcome good or could be bad, in life (due to his family reaction) and in worklife; Also his plan to split...etc. Then I was telling him, in stead of him sitting there describe them to me, why don't you have the advice/consultation from lawyer first, because I am not lawyer. But again, he wants to make sure I have his back.

 

And yes he has been always delivering anything I have ever requested, small or big, or even some impossible one.

 

Yes, same like your all, I would like to wait and see as well.

 

 

 

Mount,

 

My advice, he seek legal advice prior to doing anything including telling his wife. He hire an attorney and hammer out with the attorney the best next steps and follow his attorney's advice. His attorney will advise him on whether he should tell his wife about the affair as well.

 

In regards to work and affair, it depends on state, country and company's policies. I will say that unless you two are supervisor/subordinate the affair does not weigh in at work as much as individuals try and push. But I would read your Employee Handbook and see what it says. Be prepared that the wife may try and out you two at work but that does not always happen as the fear of him losing his job will impact financial decisions. It may be a stick used in divorce proceedings.

 

And finally, whether or not getting an extension is acceptable is up to you. Like most things in life, it is hard to plan things out in black and white with no adaptation. But he will need to have whatever timeline he needs, you can agree to it and stay with him or not agree and ask for some space/break up. I would recommend, watch is actions. If he has been solid up to this point then I think another month is a reasonable accommodation and decide that if nothing happens after this you can make some hard decisions.

[jnel921]

You have trust issues with him?

 

This is laughable as he is lying to his wife and family to discreetly bang you on the side. Now how honest and trustworthy do you believe he will be once he leaves his wife?

 

Oh....I forgot to tell you. He won't be doing that, there will always be some occasion where he does not want to disrupt the true happiness of his real life with his wife and kids.

 

You my dear will never be a part of that.

[Got it]

You have trust issues with him?

 

This is laughable as he is lying to his wife and family to discreetly bang you on the side. Now how honest and trustworthy do you believe he will be once he leaves his wife?

 

Oh....I forgot to tell you. He won't be doing that, there will always be some occasion where he does not want to disrupt the true happiness of his real life with his wife and kids.

 

You my dear will never be a part of that.

 

Really? You know this how?

 

I was a MOW, I obviously lied to my ex husband, I have never lied to dMM nor have I had any need to. It doesn't mean that this is carte blanche for all but it also doesn't mean that it is carte blanche that if you lie to one person you will lie to all others.

[ComingInHot]

mount wrote, " Good means - his wife will leave quietly, without sabortage him/me at work; Bad means - his wife will tell his coworkers (whose are my coworkers too), as we intend to keep workplace being last known."

 

Really?. Both of you hope she will go quietly into the night? Good luck w/that.

Unless of course she has been secretly waiting for this as her own escape for reasons unbeknownst to you...

[Decorative]

Telling the truth isn't sabotage.

 

It's the truth.

 

And it seems unlikely that the wife will smile and nod and walk away.

 

But then again- I would posit that it's unlikely that he'll take action and tell her. If he wanted to, he already would have done that.

[Mount]

At this moment, it is meanless and pointless to assume anything.

 

I am not saying that I am going to jump on him to stop him telling A if he really wants to. We both believe things will play out on its own or rhythm.

 

As both him and myself are kind of person that like to plan or scheme in advance, to ensure the minimal negative repercussion happening.

 

Just remember, even though to divorce someone, or be divorced by someone is kind of emotional thing. But when you handle those kind of thing solely in emotion, that would be useless and win nothing. People have to be thinking hard by pure logical then take action.

 

Let things play out...He is the one that wants to out the A, I will wait and see.

 

 

Telling the truth isn't sabotage.

 

It's the truth.

 

And it seems unlikely that the wife will smile and nod and walk away.

 

But then again- I would posit that it's unlikely that he'll take action and tell her. If he wanted to, he already would have done that.

[Praying4Peace]

Mount-

Have you two discussed how he will react/feel if she is devastated, heartbroken, crying in a heap on the floor and begging him to give it one more try with marriage counseling. I mean, she didn't even know there was an A- there have been no Ddays in the past- so she didn't even get a chance to fix things because she didn't know anything was broken.

 

Or maybe they already are distanced? I'm sure she's noticed and maybe is just attributing it to life in general?

 

My point is- you know how your MM is. Will he be able to walk away from her leaving her in that state?

 

I feel like he assumes that she will be 'done' with him. I don't think that will be the case. If she decided to leave the M it will be on her terms with him giving her a fair try after all the **** he's pulled on her.

 

That's why its best for you to go LC with him until its over. Think of it as a test of your love And it feels bad enough that things started out as an A- you don't want to get involved in his D. Every bad feeling he has in relation to it will be attributed to you too. When he's grieving, feeling guilty you won't be able to help it. If he can do this alone and still retain feelings for you and if YOU can wait and not second guess him- then maybe it will work out long term for you both.

[Got it]

In the beginning of your relationship with your ex didn't you also feel you wouldn't lie to him or that you would ever have a need to? Maybe in five,ten or fifteen years you will somehow justify why you now no longer owe your current partner honesty?

 

I meet my ex when I was 17. No I never had that moment and I did lie to conflict avoid, and looking back I see where I did it many times in even the first year, things I was unhappy with, things I wasn't comfortable speaking up about, etc. I was a kid with parents who showed some unhealthy patterns, I didn't know much better.

 

But I have learned a lot in the many years from being 17 so while I can't guarantee the future I don't think I will because of the work I have done in between.

 

Just like a WS can go from being a wayward to being an authentic partner, this isn't only owned by waywards that stay married, many people will put the work in necessary to develop healthier patterns.

[Mount]

Alright...in order to avoid being further distracted from the subject of this post, what I summerize here is that let us wait and see, to see how things play out.

 

It is what it is right now, too late say any could/should/would have.

 

So far he has been delivering all the promises or any request I have ever asked, even very difficult ones.

 

And this time, he is the one saying the timeline, and challenging me the purpose to wait longer. Will see.

[So happy together]

I guess I just don't get the people who have affairs and are suddenly willing to do all this me work and couple's counseling with the WS/MM/MW? I don't mean just you in particular, since I have seen other people post that also. I just personally think it would have been less hurt and damaging to others all around to do all this stuff with your spouse instead of putting all that energy into an affair.

 

I understand though that some H/W's may not have agreed to go to counseling pre affair and some may not have been made aware at how unhappy their spouse actually was.

 

I guess post affair it is easier to see the need for it.

 

In my case it was just that there had been too much hurt on the end of my bf. He had just had enough, the love was gone.

 

As for MM leaving, mine did. We are a much better match. I'm not worried. I know we are supposed to be together.

[spice4life]

Alright...in order to avoid being further distracted from the subject of this post, what I summerize here is that let us wait and see, to see how things play out.

 

It is what it is right now, too late say any could/should/would have.

 

So far he has been delivering all the promises or any request I have ever asked, even very difficult ones.

 

And this time, he is the one saying the timeline, and challenging me the purpose to wait longer. Will see.

 

You have a good attitude about it, Mount. You are proceeding with caution and watching to see if his words match his actions. That is the best thing you can do in this situation. If I were in your shoes I would doing the same.

 

My only advice is to protect your heart until you know it's safe and continue proceeding with caution. I know you are concerned about what the fallout is going to be and I would be too! Just make sure you take care of yourself if the going gets rough and don't allow yourself to get swept up into any unnecessary drama. Divorce is not easy so it's important that you maintain empathy and compassion for what everyone will be going through.

 

That's the best I've got for now. Stay strong girl...just like you are now.

[Mount]

Thanks for your words, but I think I am just being extremely realistic, as I never perceive things with "rose glasses".

 

Also as I mentioned in another post, no one can make anyone else do things he/she himself/herself not intending to do. Just like the single guy I dated and I rejected, it does not matter how much dining wining every week we did, something not there - it was just not there. The wooing was never working if I did not have same desire on me.

 

Interestingly the only thing I am thinking of is that if I need to ask the MM to hold on the exposure of A, to give more time. But that is just I am thinking, no speak yet.

 

 

You have a good attitude about it, Mount. You are proceeding with caution and watching to see if his words match his actions. That is the best thing you can do in this situation. If I were in your shoes I would doing the same.

 

My only advice is to protect your heart until you know it's safe and continue proceeding with caution. I know you are concerned about what the fallout is going to be and I would be too! Just make sure you take care of yourself if the going gets rough and don't allow yourself to get swept up into any unnecessary drama. Divorce is not easy so it's important that you maintain empathy and compassion for what everyone will be going through.

 

That's the best I've got for now. Stay strong girl...just like you are now.

Edited May 7, 2013 by Mount

[cocorico]

That's why its best for you to go LC with him until its over. Think of it as a test of your love And it feels bad enough that things started out as an A- you don't want to get involved in his D. Every bad feeling he has in relation to it will be attributed to you too. When he's grieving, feeling guilty you won't be able to help it. If he can do this alone and still retain feelings for you and if YOU can wait and not second guess him- then maybe it will work out long term for you both.

 

I do not agree with this. I am sure it may be true in some cases, but far from all. We did not go NC or LC during my fMM's split from the BW. I would not abandon a friend going through a D, so why would I abandon the person I claim to love most? To me, loving someone means being there for them when they need you, not only when it suits you.

 

Mount, I think you have a realistic grasp of the situation. I think your approach is sensible and rational, and I think that your R has as much chance as any of working out. On the timing - the cards will fall where they will. He has no control over how she will react, and it may get out sooner at work than you want, but you may be surprised at how that is received. Many people may already know, or suspect, and her attempts to meddle may have little or no effect as a result.

[Got it]

I guess I just don't get the people who have affairs and are suddenly willing to do all this me work and couple's counseling with the WS/MM/MW? I don't mean just you in particular, since I have seen other people post that also. I just personally think it would have been less hurt and damaging to others all around to do all this stuff with your spouse instead of putting all that energy into an affair.

 

I understand though that some H/W's may not have agreed to go to counseling pre affair and some may not have been made aware at how unhappy their spouse actually was.

 

I guess post affair it is easier to see the need for it.

 

Why would I when I had no interest in staying married to him? It isn't like the two men are interchangeable and one will do as well as the other. While I like my ex husband, he is a great guy, I did not love him the way I should, I didn't want to be with him. He is now VERY happy, happily married and with a child. We were friends but we didn't work together. Why should I have stayed married just to stay married?

 

I shouldn't have had the affair, but I was planning on my divorce at that point anyway. I was done with the marriage and I would never have stayed married to him even without dMM in the picture. At no time in the past many years have I, for one second, regretted the decision to divorce. I am 1000% happy with that decision.

 

I know from the bottom of my heart and stomach I never would have felt any differently towards him.

[ComingInHot]

coco wrote, "...and her attempts to meddle..."

 

are you kidding me right now?.?.

 

Paperangel, right on for your comment cause that's just messed up.

[cocorico]

Yeah, how dare the woman who is being cheated on attempt to meddle in her own marriage and her own life.

 

How on earth is the BW's prematurely outing their R at work anything to do with her own M or her own life?

 

 

During last few weeks he has mentioned to me that he wants to tell his wife about our A next month and asks for separation/divorce because he wants his wife/children to still enjoy the celebration mentioned above, so ask me to prepare the upcoming outcome - either good or bad based on his wife's reaction. Also, even though the out of our A might impact our work

[MissBee]

How on earth is the BW's prematurely outing their R at work anything to do with her own M or her own life?

 

When would be the mature time?

 

If your spouse is cheating on you, who you choose to tell a nd when is your business, it isn't up to the BS to find out when would be the appropriate time and when would the OW and MM like for her to broadcast it. If the OW and MM are inconvenienced by it, whose fault is that?

 

Suffice it to say, if your boyfriend is someone else's husband then MANY things that in a normal single relationship would have no effect on you, wouldn't implicate you and would be meddling, simply are just part and parcel of the triangulated A package. The OW's boyfriend is the MW's husband...so what she chooses to do with him and who she tells about his indiscretions are her business, even if it affects the OW/WS.

[angie2443]

When asked about the drastic age difference between you two, I see you managed not to answer the question. The fact that he has adult children over 30 easily makes him in his low-to-mid 50's. Shall I assume you're at least 20 years (give or take a few years) younger?

 

Eww.

 

Talk about a midlife crisis and trading his current wife in for a newer model.

 

That speaks volumes about this guy's lack of integrity.

 

Good luck to you.

 

The guy sounds like he has lots of money, so I do wonder if that comes into play. I don't know if the kids know about the situation, but I wonder how they'd feel about it. When an older man has money, and then picks up a new, young woman, the kids often loose some of what they thought would be their inheritance. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but it's way more common then people like to think or admit.

 

I'm not saying OP's situation is like this, but I do think it's an interesting aspect to consider.

[truthbetold]

The guy sounds like he has lots of money, so I do wonder if that comes into play. I don't know if the kids know about the situation, but I wonder how they'd feel about it. When an older man has money, and then picks up a new, young woman, the kids often loose some of what they thought would be their inheritance. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but it's way more common then people like to think or admit.

 

I'm not saying OP's situation is like this, but I do think it's an interesting aspect to consider.

 

Interesting point! I have a co-worker who a very long time ago was an OW. He was very well to do. There was about a 25 year age gap. He did leave his wife for her, but I wouldn't say it's a happily ever after as the woman lives in a fantasy world to this day, she makes up lavish dinner parties that she has and pretend friends etc... sad really.

 

Anyway after 17 years of marriage he died. The OW turned wife couldn't hold on to the house as she couldn't afford it. Bitterly has said that the ex-wife is living "high on the hog" (don't ask me, it's a direct quote!) as well as HIS two daughters. They never grew to accept her. She recently told us about fights that she would have with him YEARS later that they saw her as the "trophy wife" and never took her seriously. She still wears the ostentatious engagement ring/wedding band as that's pretty much all she has. Like I said, sad.

 

IMO she never had a real relationship as the kids never warmed to her and apparently made the marriage rougher. They were never her "step" children she refers to them always as "his".

 

Oh and the child that they brought into this world. Moved many states away and is a Psychiatrist, likely to make sense of what her parents did.

 

The lesson is in "some" cases the ex wife and kids make come out far better than the OW turned wife.

[Mount]

Funny you think that, sometimes I think the MM goes after me is because he might want to inherit my $$, or let his adult children do. Because apparently since I am single, I don't have anyone to pass on $$$:bunny:

 

 

The guy sounds like he has lots of money, so I do wonder if that comes into play. I don't know if the kids know about the situation, but I wonder how they'd feel about it. When an older man has money, and then picks up a new, young woman, the kids often loose some of what they thought would be their inheritance. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but it's way more common then people like to think or admit.

 

I'm not saying OP's situation is like this, but I do think it's an interesting aspect to consider.

[Got it]

Funny you think that, sometimes I think the MM goes after me is because he might want to inherit my $$, or let his adult children do. Because apparently since I am single, I don't have anyone to pass on $$$:bunny:

 

Mount, are you serious here or tongue in cheek? This would be a concern for me if that was the case. I too am financial comfortable and, for multiple reasons, believe in a pre nup. Have you asked him if he would be willing to sign one? That would tell you if it was about the money.

 

My best advice, live your life and let him figure out his.

[Mount]

Ha, it seems you already have my life planned out. At this point, as MM keeps saying that he wants to tell wife and asks for D next month, I am pretty much nervous. Even today I try to convince him to postone till July...

 

I also asked him what if MM's wife wants to reconcile, MM said he just wants me....etc.

 

I told him he/myself need to make sure the repercussion to be minimal impact. And he seems to have plan out, as he talks out our future house...etc.

 

Not sure if he is just saying it, but over past 11/12 months, he always delivered every words/promise he told me, even sometimes I asked for very strange/demanding request, he always made it happen.

 

Mount, are you serious here or tongue in cheek? This would be a concern for me if that was the case. I too am financial comfortable and, for multiple reasons, believe in a pre nup. Have you asked him if he would be willing to sign one? That would tell you if it was about the money.

 

My best advice, live your life and let him figure out his.