Do You Tell White Lies...?

[TheGuard13]

No.

 

There's a difference between being tactful and choosing your battles, and telling lies, white or otherwise.

 

If a person has a problem with honesty, we're not compatible.

 

And people who lie about little things tend to be covering up a connection to bigger secrets.

[RedRobin]

After having spent some time in the public eye... and dealing with vicious, gossipy people...

 

Yes, I lie about anything I'm not ready to share with someone if they ask me point blank.... usually strangers. I tend to only make friends with people who don't ask lots of personal questions. To be able to read between the lines and learn what you need to learn without confronting people and ripping off scabs.... that is a form of grace and poise to me.

 

Most of the time, their reasons for asking are selfish and have no bearing or consequence except they want to pass judgment. Which you can't blame them for doing... but if we have not developed any basis for trust, then they don't get answers from me on big things. So, yep. I lie.

 

That said, I also take note that if the topic is important to them and a dealbreaker... I dismiss myself from their company if I do not want to share. I keep my secrets... they keep their standards. Easy.

[Star Gazer]

I've been sitting here trying to think about when, if ever, telling or hearing white lies is acceptable. It really comes down to the intent behind the white lie, I think, as well as the recipient of the lie.

 

A white lie to a stranger? Fine. What do they care about the truth?

 

But here, the question is posed in the context of the Dating section, and thus I must assume Hokie is talking about white lies spoken to one's SO or romantic interest. I can't think of a simple white lie in the dating context that really is okay, as every untruth told manipulates the other person's perspective and takes away his/her choice.

 

There's a sort of idea buried in here that telling the truth necessarily involves saying something bad. That being honest = being negative, even if pleasantly so.

 

We could all be more honest about positive things, too; but since they don't bother us, we don't think of not saying them as omitting the truth, nor do we consider downplaying those truths (for whatever reasons) as white lies.

 

I suspect that many, many, many people would be more OK with hearing uncomfortable truths if they were also given the opportunity to hear the pleasant truths more often. People tend to be stingy with those, though, and they never seem to be the subject of debate like this.

 

Good motto for me seems to be:

 

Just because something is true, doesn't mean you have to say it.

 

I tend to avoid issues I consider both counterproductive and unpleasant at once, no matter the truth. If someone keeps drilling for them in magical "conquest for truth", that has little meaning in practice, I tend to get pressured, then pissed off with them. Might include telling a lie to shut them up, but I'd rather they just stop in time.

 

I agree with both of the above.

[RedRobin]

I've been sitting here trying to think about when, if ever, telling or hearing white lies is acceptable. It really comes down to the intent behind the white lie, I think, as well as the recipient of the lie.

 

A white lie to a stranger? Fine. What do they care about the truth?

 

But here, the question is posed in the context of the Dating section, and thus I must assume Hokie is talking about white lies spoken to one's SO or romantic interest. I can't think of a simple white lie in the dating context that really is okay, as every untruth told manipulates the other person's perspective and takes away his/her choice.

 

 

 

 

 

I agree with both of the above.

 

I agree with what you said and quoted too... except these days... a romantic interest often is a total stranger too (thanks to OLD and Meetup groups).

 

Social media, in part, has a lot to do with this rather annoying tendency for people to assume that others ought to walk around blabbing every personal thing out there... or are obliged to come forward with everything if asked.

 

There is a general tendency towards rude question asking, that to me, doesn't deserve an honest answer... whether or not they are a romantic interest. Blame it on my Southern roots, or my Midwestern family background... not sure... but we just don't pry. We have other ways of getting to the heart of things, perhaps. That help people save face. A lot more pleasant IMHO.

 

 

That said, I agree that people deserve to have a choice to stay or go. On important things, I'd say that the person choosing not to tell is obliged to self-select themselves out of the relationship if they can't bring themselves to share a truth that is important to the other person.

[iris219]

I usually kind of talk around the issue and try to get off topic. I've had a man ask me about his penis size (which was smallish) and something like this came out:

 

“Well, it’s not porn star big, but who is? Other than porn stars. Ha ha. Who wants that anyway, right? Way too big. There definitely is such a thing as too big. I mean, that would really hurt ya know. Where do they find those guys? And why are they always so ugly? Do you think they cast ugly guys in porn on purpose to make regular guys feel better about themselves? I don’t know. I don’t know much about porn. Do you watch a lot of porn?" :bunny:

 

Don't ask questions that require your SO to either tell a lie or hurt your feelings. That's rude and pointless.

[Star Gazer]

I agree with what you said and quoted too... except these days... a romantic interest often is a total stranger too (thanks to OLD and Meetup groups).

 

Social media, in part, has a lot to do with this rather annoying tendency for people to assume that others ought to walk around blabbing every personal thing out there... or are obliged to come forward with everything if asked.

 

There is a general tendency towards rude question asking, that to me, doesn't deserve an honest answer... whether or not they are a romantic interest. Blame it on my Southern roots, or my Midwestern family background... not sure... but we just don't pry. We have other ways of getting to the heart of things, perhaps. That help people save face. A lot more pleasant IMHO.

 

That said, I agree that people deserve to have a choice to stay or go. On important things, I'd say that the person choosing not to tell is obliged to self-select themselves out of the relationship if they can't bring themselves to share a truth that is important to the other person.

 

Good point about strangers being potential SOs. But to me, people in a Meetup group and people you meet through OLD aren't really strangers in this context, they're new acquaintences, possibly new friends or more. They shouldn't be lied to anymore than a potential or actual SO.

 

The type of white lie to true strangers I'm thinking of?

 

Postal clerk at the PO: "How are you today?"

Truth: "I have explosive diarrhea and I'm about to sh*t my pants, so please hurry!"

Lie: "Great, thanks."

 

Salesperson at Nordstrom: "Can I help you find anything?"

Truth: "I need a super short skirt for my wannabe whore trip to Vegas."

Lie: "I'm shopping for my little sister's birthday. She asked me for a little black skirt."

 

Southwest employee: "Where ya headed?"

Truth: "Scottsdale. Alone. I'm having a mental breakdown and need to get away from my 4 screaming children and husband who doesn't put his hands anywhere except down his down pants ala Ted Bundy."

Lie: "Scottsdale. I'm meeting friends there for a girls' weekend!"

 

As for dates/potential SO's... I still can't think of a white lie that wouldn't have some impact on a person's evaluation of another as a potential mate.

 

Of course, the truth doesn't have to be delivered harshly. And as SM pointed out, if we were more generous with positive truths, the more negative truths wouldn't be so hard to swallow.

[Art_Critic]

No.... am I lying or not ?

[xxoo]

Don't ask questions that require your SO to either tell a lie or hurt your feelings. That's rude and pointless.

 

Good solution.

 

I'd refuse to answer before I'd lie. My kids sometimes ask unfair or unwise questions, and I tell them directly when it's an unfair question.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I never. Whoops. That was a white lie right there.

 

Seriously … my husband and I both have a great deal of tact with each other and would NEVER ask questions like "is my penis small" (especially, I wouldn't :) because we would not like to put the other person in an awful position. Also, probably really don't want to hear the honest answer, if it might be a painful one.

 

I think this kind of tact has come with maturity and experience. I used to ask all kinds of questions in past relationships, which were "loaded" ones. There was one right answer. Woe unto he who did not realize that.

 

I agree with ES. Complete openness is probably the opposite of conducive to a great relationship. Sometimes, the old adage; "what you think of it is none of my business," is a good rule of thumb.

 

When things are important, both of us are good at being honest.

[USMCHokie]

I never. Whoops. That was a white lie right there.

 

Seriously … my husband and I both have a great deal of tact with each other and would NEVER ask questions like "is my penis small" (especially, I wouldn't :) because we would not like to put the other person in an awful position. Also, probably really don't want to hear the honest answer, if it might be a painful one.

 

I think this kind of tact has come with maturity and experience. I used to ask all kinds of questions in past relationships, which were "loaded" ones. There was one right answer. Woe unto he who did not realize that.

 

I agree with ES. Complete openness is probably the opposite of conducive to a great relationship. Sometimes, the old adage; "what you think of it is none of my business," is a good rule of thumb.

 

When things are important, both of us are good at being honest.

 

Hmmm, interesting, I hadn't considered it from that angle...so do you think the question itself is important to consider, i.e., no white lies would ever have to be told if you never asked a question that might require one?

 

But wouldn't that constrict the communication if you felt compelled never to ask questions that might draw a white lie?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Hmmm, interesting, I hadn't considered it from that angle...so do you think the question itself is important to consider, i.e., no white lies would ever have to be told if you never asked a question that might require one?

 

But wouldn't that constrict the communication if you felt compelled never to ask questions that might draw a white lie?

 

If it's important, I'm asking whatever I need to know the answer to. Honesty is called for in those cases.

 

My husband kind of lies to me, in effect, a few times a week. He knows that fast food is bad and that I really don't like how often he eats it. I make his lunch every day. Sometimes he "hides" the lunch I made in the outside garbage can, along with the debris from Burger King.

[USMCHokie]

If it's important, I'm asking whatever I need to know the answer to. Honesty is called for in those cases.

 

My husband kind of lies to me, in effect, a few times a week. He knows that fast food is bad and that I really don't like how often he eats it. I make his lunch every day. Sometimes he "hides" the lunch I made in the outside garbage can, along with the debris from Burger King.

 

:laugh: That's terrible...

 

Well, each person will have different values of what is important and not important...I may ask a question I really want to know the answer to (is my wiener small?) and she may consider it trivial and answer with a white lie... I guess we all have varying preferences and thickness of skin.

 

Do you think people project their own sensitivities onto others? That is, if you are particularly sensitive yourself, do you tend to tell more white lies? And if you're particularly resilient, do you tend to tell less white lies?

[Emilia]

Do you think people project their own sensitivities onto others? That is, if you are particularly sensitive yourself, do you tend to tell more white lies? And if you're particularly resilient, do you tend to tell less white lies?

I think that depends on your self-awareness. I used to project it and be too blatant sometimes. Now I use white lies by default. Most things are just not important enough to have an all-out and potentially hurtful conversation about.

 

As a woman, I've learned that most men are more sensitive than they let on.

[pcplod]

I think that depends on your self-awareness. I used to project it and be too blatant sometimes. Now I use white lies by default. Most things are just not important enough to have an all-out and potentially hurtful conversation about.

 

As a woman, I've learned that most men are more sensitive than they let on.

 

And as a man you can acknowledge your level of sensitivity, accept it for what it is, ie a weakness, and make a decision to strive to move away from being encumbered by it.

 

However, if putting you down becomes a way of life for your partner as a form of control then you are entitled to think that this is not about my short-comings but about theirs and frankly I have had enough of it, and thus act accordingly.

[Lani]

So if the man you adored said, "My friends can't stand you because you are so stupid" you'd be okay with that?

 

You slave over a hot stove to cook dinner for him and he takes one bite and says, "This is inedible. Never cook for me again" you'd be okay?

 

"You could learn a lot from my last girlfriend when it comes to sex" is fine with you?

 

Hey, he's just being honest, right?

 

Be careful what you wish for.

 

These are silly examples.

If I had a boyfriend who said his friends didn't like me because I am stupid, then why would I stay with him?

 

It's not the honesty that's the problem in your examples, it's the things you think I would put up with.

Me and whoever that douche is in your post are incompatible. Honesty or not.

[xxoo]

If it's important, I'm asking whatever I need to know the answer to. Honesty is called for in those cases.

 

My husband kind of lies to me, in effect, a few times a week. He knows that fast food is bad and that I really don't like how often he eats it. I make his lunch every day. Sometimes he "hides" the lunch I made in the outside garbage can, along with the debris from Burger King.

 

That would piss me off, because I hate wasting food and my time.

 

But why does he need to lie? Why can't he just return the full lunch? You don't like him to eat fast food, so he has to hide it?

[Art_Critic]

Sometimes if I pass gas I'll lie and say either, "no" I didn't do it or I'll blame it on the dog...I think there even might be a time or two that my son took a bullet for me

 

So.. yeah.. I'd have to say that I've told some white lies in my time.. but all for the common good of society

 

I truly hate lying though.. I have broken up with someone I was dating because she lied for no reason about the stupidest stuff.

[crederer]

I use white lies on women.

 

In most cases it has to do with questions about their appearance. As another poster pointed it, they are looking for reassurance.

 

My ex was very attractive, had some major self esteem issues though. Some days she'd over due it, or pick out a dress that didn't quite look right on her. She was beautiful to me just the same so I'd just tell her she looks great, as always.

 

As for me, I don't ask a question if I can't handle the response.

[xxoo]

Sometimes if I pass gas I'll lie and say either, "no" I didn't do it or I'll blame it on the dog...I think there even might be a time or two that my son took a bullet for me

 

You'd deny it to your spouse?

 

I might jokingly deny it, but I'd be laughing so hard that he'd know I did it.

 

We use humor with honesty a lot. If he's worried about a few pounds he's gained, I won't deny the weight. I'll say, "With a tool like that, you've got to build a shed over it!"

 

If I ask if he sees my stray grays, or my lines, he'll answer, "Are you trying to turn me on?" (because he's got a thing for slightly older women).

 

If he doesn't like something I cook, he says sweetly, "This isn't my favorite :o". That's a useful answer for anything you don't like, as long as you balance it with praise for the things you truly do like.

[Emilia]

And as a man you can acknowledge your level of sensitivity, accept it for what it is, ie a weakness, and make a decision to strive to move away from being encumbered by it.

Being sensitive is not a weakness. The reason why men hide it is precisely because they see it as a weakness.

However, if putting you down becomes a way of life for your partner as a form of control then you are entitled to think that this is not about my short-comings but about theirs and frankly I have had enough of it, and thus act accordingly.

Abuse is something else entirely.

[Art_Critic]

You'd deny it to your spouse?

 

Not to the point of picking that moment to die on that hill...

 

Of course it's done with some humor but there have been times where the conversation didn't lend itself to humor and I just let it go as a white lie and she didn't know for sure if I had or not