Fiancé visa

[Mycatsnuggles]

My daughter has been dating a man from another country for 3 yrs. they have seen each other several times during this time. But most of the relatioship is via skype. Christmas they discussed getting married to get a fiancé visa - faster n easier to get. They would havetomarry within3 months.

 

 

I am very concerned. My daughter just got a well paying job, his family does not have a lot of money. He is paying for a lavish wedding for a relative and has now told her until the loans for the wedding are paid off he can't come here.

 

HEIP I don't want to make accusations against him. But I am worried. How can I help my daughter she will respond to kindness. If I attack this guy she will shut me out

[carhill]

Have you met the man?

 

Using US K1/K3 terminology, with K1 being a fiance visa, they could K3 (marry) in his country and then he could emigrate on that once his 'debts' are paid off. If his job is transportable, there's also no reason that he couldn't pay off those debts while living here.

 

Ask her what he proposes to resolve the issue. What's the timeline?

 

Lastly, has she been in his home country enough to verify/observe that he isn't married to/involved with someone else. Not uncommon.

 

As a disclaimer, I dated internationally and did get as far as considering a K1 with a lady prior to meeting and marrying my exW locally. I ran into a few scams and flakes along the way.

[Toddbt12y1]

Just tell her that you see that he is having a rough time for now. That with him paying for a wedding, etc, he not having the money right now, would not be wise choice to pursue a marriage. Maybe to wait for a while longer, before getting married.

 

This way she will not have to struggle, nor him. She may not like what you say...but it's nothing that should break bonds over.

 

Just strive away from making it seem like you are against him due to money. As it can quickly seem that way. Make sure you include him in the conversation...just in a caring light. Like you are concerned(not just for her struggles), but his as well. That way you come off as caring as possible.

[Mycatsnuggles]

I have met him. He is reserved with me. Very polite n respectful. She has also stayed w his family several times. They seem o like her. She can't go to his country n marry , I feel like he's asking her to pay off these loans. Also his family has always had arranged marriages. My daughter is not. In their country the women buys a husband w lavish gifts for the whol.e family and large amounts of cash. Her fiancé was offered a lot to marry another woman. He tuned it down!! My radar is going off. Am I crazy??

[carhill]

Three years is a long time.

 

It appears, if everything is as stated, the man will be denying family convention to enter into a love marriage. In some cultures, that's grounds for excommunication from the family. Big deal.

 

As your daughter is an adult, presumably, if I were in your place I'd share my parental experience and viewpoint and leave it at that. She'll make her own decisions. If this romance succeeds, it does. If it fails, it fails. There's a lot of that in life. We all have to go through it.

 

Since their interactions have included both families and it appears both sides have no marked negative personal impressions of the parties, I'd throw in my .02 (opinion), tell her I love her, and then move on.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Thanks. That's what I've been doing. I want to trust that she's smart enough to know him, and three years is a long time to string someone along. Supporting and loving her is the best I can do..

[taiko]

Their relationship is via Skype? Are you kidding me? No wedding! You can't know a person over the internet. You need to meet in person for a while. I think this is a scam. I've been on the internet since 1997 and I can tell you that it's way different when you meet someone face to face.

As I read the OP the couplde have made many face to face meetings over the past 3 years thus meeting the USCIS requirement. However the day to day contact since it is a LDR is by skype.

 

If his nation does any kind of record keeping any current or prior marriage should be discovered before any embassy/consulate official redccomends an approved spousal visa. It is not just 90 days, you also have to spend time and money before hand paying immigration fees and waiting. The 90 days only comes into effect for those who wish to live together before marriage, something the government really doesn't support. They also don't support the 6 months that the largest church wants for premarital classes.

[outsidethebox]

OP, your radar is right on. You can't say this directly to your daughter but it is almost certainly pressure on your daughter to "loan" him the money to repay his alleged loan for a wedding for a relative? That's pretty hokey to be honest with you.

 

And yes, it does play to a woman's heart what a wonderful man he is to pay for a relatives wedding (?) and how he can't join her until he has that money.

 

wow.

 

Here's my take on it. It's a good thing. Just as long as your daughter doesn't send him money.

[CherryT]

As a female in my mid to late 20's and is fairly independent. I am dating a man outside of my own country (US and Canada). It's not much difference in culture, but I see your concerns and I would understand if my father sat down with me and went over concerns as well. Fortunately in my situation, my parents absolutely love my boyfriend and is planning to spend a lot of time where I will be moving to. We're not too far from one another and in the same time zone.

 

I would have to emphasize why your daughter might get upset if you don't communicate your concerns in the right way.

 

- A LDR in itself is very hard. Her commitment and his commitment for 3 years, going back and forth is very difficult.

 

- When you endure a LDR for that long, closing the distance feels like you're on top of the world. Don't unintentionally burst her bubble too soon.

 

- I would communicate that it doesn't matter to you whether they were in a LDR or local. You will support her because you love her but at the same time the "marry when you're ready rule" should still apply. One of those things that makes couples ready is little to no debt. Remind her that when she marries she will be responsibility for that debt as well and if it takes him longer to pay it off and that means he can't visit as often, then that's what they have to do in order to get to the next steps

 

My BF and I would love to close the distance today.. but I'm not ready and he's not. We need to be mentally, financially, and emotionally ready for that next chapter.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 31, 2013 by CherryT