Am I stuck or is it all in my head?

[great_divide77]

I'm new here and joined because I was looking to connect with other people that may be in similar situations as I am. I am also looking for objective advice, but I ask that before you post anything please don't be cruel. We all have a journey to go through and where that takes us is not always the same as another person.

 

My story is a long one and I'll spare anyone reading the little details. I've been with my husband for 12 years. None of those years have been cut and dry. We have always been great friends, but a lot of resentment has been built up over the years. Despite this we manage to plug on and build a life together. This is my second marriage and his first. I brought 3 children into the relationship. We also have 2 together.

 

From day one there has been trust issues on both sides. Most of that stems from the beginning when we were young and matched hurt for hurt. He's has cheated on me twice that I know of and several more times that I suspect but can't prove. The first time he did it I retaliated and slept with my ex. At that point I gave him an ultimatum that he either commit or leave and let me get on with my life. He chose to stay and all seemed fine for a while. Along came our first baby together.

 

We married shortly after, but for all the wrong reasons. There was no proposal. Just an agreement that it was time and a rushed marriage at the justice of the peace. I deluded myself into thinking this was all I deserved and that I would be ok with it. Truth is I carried more guilt about my actions than he ever has for his. Affair number 2 came a week after we said I Do.

 

Next comes baby number 2. I was ready to leave him at this point when she was born with a myriad of complications. Her health put me in the position of 24 hour caregiver and no chance for financial independence.

 

Did I forget to mention he is an alcoholic as well? Since her birth I have spent exhausting amounts of energy trying to decipher the lies, big and small; analyze where I went wrong; and make the decision once and for all whether to stay or go. This has gone on for 8 years now.

 

3 years ago we moved to a new state to be closer to his mother. I have no family or friends here and my relationship with his mother is strained. He is a mommas boy and she depends on him entirely too much. I am finally finding my feet in the career world again but this too is taking too much time. I cannot find balance between my work life and family. I also don't trust him enough to leave him alone for too long.

 

He does not see the issues. I resent him for all he has put me through and denied me. We have talked about counseling and it never seems to happen. The final straw for me is that in November of last year, under the influence of alcohol, he made some really inappropriate comments to my 18 year old daughter. I have been able to push all the crap in the back of my head but this one thing. I can not get over it. I find myself paranoid for him to be alone with any of our girls. I might mention that she has never lived with us and nothing happened beyond the comments. It still makes me feel like I don't know him.

 

I am angry with him all the time. Every time I think about divorce though I remember his good qualities and feel guilty for even thinking about it. He has me so twisted that there are times I feel it is all in my head and the problem lies with me. I am in denial and don't know what to do.

[Gunny376]

It would be easy for me to say this is a 'No-brain-er" in that it can be almost impossible for anyone to continue to live with another such as you've described. And per as you've described, I simply don't see as where he's even recognizing any fault nor short-comings on his part?

 

I just don't see a "win-win" here for any and all parties concerned, (That is to say the whole family dynamic ~ including the children.) There's is also the practical consideration of your just re-entering the work force, which is really tough for any and everyone these days, but all the more so if you've been on the outside looking in for awhile. Employers are very selective, and its a "buyer's market" these days. Its not just a question of finding a job ~ any job ~ but of keeping it.

 

Added this the dynamic of having four or five children still mentally, emotionally, physically, financially dependent upon solely you? (You didn't mention the ages of the other four?)

 

Its going to take more than just one post for all of us to fully grasp your situation.

 

My short answer is that I really don't see where's he's giving you much choice other than to pursue divorce. It would be silly to stay with him because of the "man he use to be" ~ as what counts in the here and now is "the man that he is or has become?"

 

Its obvious that he's not being and acting like a responsible adult, nor role model for his children. And its NEVER appropriate for a man to say in-appropriate things to a woman ~ married or single ~ but ESPECIALLY when he's married, and its a "OH! HELL NO YOU DIDN'T!!!" when its said to your wives 18 year old daughter! :mad:

 

I have a 40 year old step-daughter, who's turned out to be a HBX10. And even though her mother and I have been divorced for 23 years? She's STILL my daughter ~ even though she's my step-daughter.

 

His making in-appropriate comments to or about the DD18 isn't only in-appropriate, it's an intolerable offense in and of itself alone ~ not to mention the cheating, (And I am of the school of thought ~ "Once a cheater? Always a cheater! Personally? An individual only gets "one" and one chance only to get things right with me, and "one" and only one chance to get it wrong!)

 

If I had been you, and that had been my DD18? I personally would have had to open up a big old 55 gallon drum of industrial strength "whop-azz" on him alone!

 

I wish you luck in determining and making the very hard choices that are before you. We here will try our best to give our best, while trying to remain objective, and serve as a 'sounding board" if nothing else.

 

Gunny

[great_divide77]

Gunny - I appreciate your advice. I think my original post has left out the good about my husband. He can be a caring and wonderful husband and father when he wants to be. The bad behavior usually comes after he has been drinking heavily. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. Whenever these situations come up I will try and leave and then he promises to change. My own previous behavior and guilt cause me to give him just one more chance. For a while he will stop drinking and be everything I want him to be. This might last for a few months to a year. All it takes is one beer and he's back to doing the lying, cheating and mean attitude. I do think I amcodependent and a part of me has enjoyed holding his behavior over his head. I hate that about myself and am trying to change. What I have found out lately though is I can not let go. I have not been given a chance to heal and forgive. I also love the great parts of him. He makes me laugh when no one else can. We have been through so much its hard to let go. I come from a very dysfunctional family and because of this he is all I have. I am scared to start over and never have truly been alone in my life. I also fear that I will not be able to support my children on my own. The other 4 are 16, 13, 9 and 8. I just cant decide if I am willing to live with the resentment and keep repeating the same cycles. I keep coming back to the definition of insanity which is " repeating the same behavior while expecting a different outcome". I know deep down that nothing will change but I dont know how to leave.

[Gunny376]

Alcoholics and others substance abusers seldom subsist alone. I would suggest that one of your first and quickest possible solutions would be for you and your teens to look in al anon and looking into how you directly and/or in-directly "feed" knowingly and more importantly unknowingly into the group ~ family dynamic of all of this.

 

It may not change him, but it could possibly heighten you self consciousness and awareness, and you could gain the benefit of have fellowship with others that find themselves in a similar situation.

 

I don't think the immediate goal should necessarily be to save nor dissolve the marriage, but rather on getting yourself and children in a "place" (Mentally, emotionally, psychologically, even financially) to where you are as functional and "normal" (Normal being defined in your own personalised terms ~ and not that of others?). To the point where your OK with yourself, your life, your personal well being. Where you self validating and self assured in and of yourself.

 

Its obvious to me from this side of the monitor that the single dynamic that has to go is the alcohol. But that is something that he's got to do and want to do for himself!

 

We've all got our temptations and demons to wrestle with in live, and we all have those "places" we know we just can't "go there"

 

For example, I don't do drugs. The primary reason I don't is because I've never tried them. I was always too afraid that I might like them, and from what I've seen on TV on Cops, National Geographic and other shows? I probally would. Ditto with drinking and using tobacco. The absolute best time to quit drinking or smoking? Is the day before you started. Its absolutely impossible to get addicted to something or become dependent upon something you've never tried before.

 

But yea I would say the place to start would be on you and the children getting into a healthier state of mind and place. That's my two-cents worth for now?

[Mr. Lucky]

The final straw for me is that in November of last year, under the influence of alcohol, he made some really inappropriate comments to my 18 year old daughter. I have been able to push all the crap in the back of my head but this one thing. I can not get over it. I find myself paranoid for him to be alone with any of our girls.

There's stepping over the line and there's jumping off the marital cliff. You both stepped over the line with your respective infidelities but, given enough effort and commitment, marriages can recover from that.

 

At least for me, there's no similar possibility given the interaction with your daughter unless there's some doubt in your mind that his comments were misinterpreted. If you're clear as to what his intentions with her were, drunk or not, he should be gone. And were this not to happen, how could you ever look your daughter in the eye ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[great_divide77]

There's stepping over the line and there's jumping off the marital cliff. You both stepped over the line with your respective infidelities but, given enough effort and commitment, marriages can recover from that.

 

At least for me, there's no similar possibility given the interaction with your daughter unless there's some doubt in your mind that his comments were misinterpreted. If you're clear as to what his intentions with her were, drunk or not, he should be gone. And were this not to happen, how could you ever look your daughter in the eye ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I actually agree with you and have since the beginning. My daughter thought the whole situation was funny and has not taken any of it seriously. She has never lived with us and they have more of a friend type relationship than anything paternal. Their maturity level is about the same so they like a lot of the same things. I don't find any of this funny at all. It is straining my relationship with her and I cant look at him the same anymore. He begged for another try and said we'd go to counseling but that has yet to happen. Financially I just can't go. I also cant make him go because the house is in his mother's name thanks to a real estate deal gone bad. I have no ground to stand on and I have 4 other children I have to think about before leaving. I asked for a separation when all this happened and he refused to give it to me. He thinks we can work all this out. I have tried to move on, but like I said in an earlier post I find myself paranoid about his interactions with my 15 year old. He has never been inappropriate with her and has raised her as his own since she was 2. They are very close, but I find myself trying to put distance between them. I feel like I'm overreacting, but I don't know what else to do.