Anyone LDR prior to meeting?

[HuffmanMontana]

I'm curious if anyone's ever been in a situation where they've met someone online and talked (not official relationship) for a few months before actually meeting in person?

 

Experience, thoughts?

[LittleTiger]

Yes.

 

We talked via email, then msn, then phone, then Skype - every day for two months. Then we met up IRL. That was three and a half years ago.

 

We're still long distance but we go backwards and forwards and have 'lived together' for nine months in total. We'll get married and move in together full time as soon as circumstances (ie finances and visas) allow it!

[Frogwife]

Yes, I met my husband on the French version of Match.com. I'm American and he's French. It was my only experience with a long distance relationship. We emailed for three months, I then spent a month with him in France and we were married three months later. (Married more quickly than I might recommend, but with visa restrictions, it was more complicated.) We have been married just over six years, but unfortunately the marriage didn't work out and we separated two years ago. Despite that, I wouldn't have done anything differently. He's still a good friend and we talk every day.

 

My philosophy is that life is very short - sometimes you just have to take chances! You never know where life can take you - I sure didn't! You have to think logically and prudently about some things (your work, safety, finances, the realities of moving if that happens), but be open.

[FitChick]

Yes. Two months seems to be average. If after three months of talking and emailing he doesn't want to meet me, I dump him. I am not a shoulder to cry on nor a fun break from his bitchy girlfriend.

[Liquinn]

This was before skype, but I did it as a 17yr old and 2x as an adult. It really was

not too bad except the third time.

 

I think I am much "cooler" online than I am in person and my nerdy ways kind of threw her for a loop lol. I did get a nice kiss on the lips out of it, but she told me later that I was just not the guy she thought I was.

 

 

Big mistake in all 3: developing a "romantic relationship" before actually seeing their face beyond still pictures.

 

Talking to one another via Skype is a big improvement, but nothing comes close to face-to-face.

 

Each time you meet someone in person for the first time, it's like a blind date. You may know of and about them, but you really don't KNOW the person.

I think in a LDR you're not seeing the person in different situations, like what they're like around your family, in the morning and the evening if that makes sense?

 

Someone could fake themselves face to face as well though? What are your thoughts? I think it's possible for someone to fake themselves face to face as well though.

 

A relationship is spending time together, seeing each other...getting to know each other in PERSON..not on the phone, text or email. I would NEVER do the long distance thing again. As someone mentioned earlier..there needs to be a lot of commitment on both sides and there has to be an end date.

 

I can't afford to travel all the time and only have so much time I can take off, so in my situation a long distance relationship is not convenient. And someone mentioned 'open relationship'..well, to me..why bother? That's another thing...I really love the physical part of the relationship, not only the sex...but cuddling, hugs...and when the major form of communication is skype or telephone...where is the touching?

 

There's a lot that gets missed on Skype (if you do Skype), and 1 or 2 hours a day of "I'm happy/you're happy" talk is not real life. Only when people live in the vicinity does real life set in, and then you can tell if you're suited to one another. Which is not to say there aren't people who have decided to have a go at a relationship that started long distance. There are, but you have to be very open-minded and patient once you finally are in real time with the person, because you're going to find out things you didn't on the all-sweet-all-the-time talk on Skype and e-mail.

 

Sure you can develop feelings based on talking and emailing. But you have to allow for the fact that your pen pal is a still complete stranger. There is no way to predict chemistry, or how you will feel upon meeting. Did you ever meet someone that was 'on paper' perfect for you, yet there was just something you could not vocalize that felt wrong? How do you judge their social interactions, familial relationships, work ethic or even their smell when you just chat online? There are just too many unknowns for your feelings to be real.

 

This is my take on it.

Edited May 11, 2013 by Liquinn

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, you totally can't know what someone is truly like until you meet them and spent LOTS of time with them before you know what they are really like.

 

I spoke online/phone/skype to my partner about 4 months before meeting face to face, we're still together 3 years on, and have met over 20 times, but it's taken til now for me to feel we may not be compatible in some ways, him being emotionally closed mainly, being undemonstrative between visits doesn't work in an LDR, very different to how he is face to face.

 

So it takes time spent with them and getting the honey moon phase over with (I mean real life honey moon phase after you've met) to see how well you are suited then.

[Liquinn]

You might think that, and I'm sure most people who have tried connecting with someone using online dating and such have even fallen for it once or twice (I know I've been guilty in the past), but you learn that its all an illusion until you actually meet a person. All the chemistry in the world while you're online or on the phone doesn't mean a damn thing if it doesn't translate to real life experience.

 

You need to be around the person on a regular life basis (the real ups/downs, day to day life) to know the real person.

Edited May 11, 2013 by Liquinn

[Frogwife]

Hi FrogWife. Did you speak any French before meeting your husband?

 

I did not... we used a translator when we were first chatting (laughable translations, but it worked) and I picked up words over the couple of months of chatting before we met face to face.

 

It was REALLY difficult in the beginning, the language barrier. I spoke German and had lived in few other countries before moving to France so I thought it would be fine, but the first few months were really, really hard. I wasn't living in Paris at the time, so I was in a small village 90 minutes away- no one spoke English - it was just a challenge. In retrospect, it was good he didn't speak English because it forced me to learn French, but yeah, NOT easy!

[daletom]

It happened a while ago, and it was rather different from today's "online dating", but I experienced a LDR for several months before actually meeting in person. It happened before email, cell phones, text chat, or Skype even existed; and a 20 minute phone conversation across several states could cost as much as several hours' take-home pay from a minimum wage job.

 

I was almost 22, and had gone through four essentially dateless years in college when a much older acquaintance suggested that I should meet her niece. There was a significant distance (nearly 700 miles) between us so her niece and I wrote to each other - real letters, on real paper; no email or text chat or phone calls - for over 3 months before we met in person.

 

We eventually DID meet, had our first date the day we met, etc. That evening I even held her hand and was a little surprised at how eagerly she seemed to accept that gesture. At the end of the date I decided to get real brave and try to kiss her. I figured I might get brushed off, or at best a perfunctory kiss out of obligation. To my surprise and delight, she not only kissed, but kissed back - REALLY kissed back! One year plus two weeks after that first date (and first kiss) we kissed at the altar in church, experienced the physical and emotional intensity of a double-virgin wedding night, eventually raised 3 kids and have been life partners for almost 39 years now.

 

Of course, our mutual acquaintance (my wife's aunt; a friend of my parents) knew us both so it wasn't a connection between two random people. She didn't say so, but she thought she saw compatibility characteristics. I still could have pretended to be somebody very different from myself in my letters, but in fact was rather forthright, certainly revealing things that wouldn't have come out in the somewhat artificial atmosphere of a typical "dating" situation of similar duration. In retrospect it was a good way for two quiet and shy people to become very acquainted at a rather personal level.

 

After 4 months her summer job ended and she was living with her parents, I was in grad school, and the separation distance reduced to about 175 miles. We started visiting every 2 or 3 weeks, but it became pretty much every weekend that we were together. Again, it wasn't the standard "dating" situation: we were houseguests of each other's families. In fact, I stayed overnight in her bed after our second date, just two days after our first. (No, she wasn't in her bed with me - see the last sentence in paragraph 3, above.) We didn't see each other only after carefully preparing for a date; we saw each other at breakfast, and washing dishes, and with our families in church, and helping her Dad milk cows, etc. I think this was also a significant factor to developing our relationship from complete strangers to a long-term marriage in a little over a year.

[Liquinn]

I remember meeting a girl back in October 2011, online we got on well but when we met... there really wasn't anything there.

 

Better to regret what you have done right?

 

Also, when you come back from the meet up and speak to them online, it's never quite the same is it?

[HeavenOrHell]

It's good you didn't wait for years to meet and then realise you didn't click. It does make me cringe when people say they've been 'together' several months or years but never met, and they may well not even get on in the real world!

Me and my partner were lucky as we did click face to face and had even more chemistry than I'd imagined.

When I spoke to him when we got back from our visit it was even better than before we met, we knew each other far better and were more bonded.

I still love talking online and on the phone when we get back from visits.

 

I remember meeting a girl back in October 2011, online we got on well but when we met... there really wasn't anything there.

 

Better to regret what you have done right?

 

Also, when you come back from the meet up and speak to them online, it's never quite the same is it?

[HeavenOrHell]

Try not to raise your hopes or expectations of how things will go when you meet, it puts too much pressure on it, hard not to though I know.

 

 

 

I'm curious if anyone's ever been in a situation where they've met someone online and talked (not official relationship) for a few months before actually meeting in person?

 

Experience, thoughts?

[Rubix123]

Yes me and my boyfriend met up after 6 months of skyping, phone calls... Emails, face booking, and texting

I spoke to his family too before we met up, we met on yearbook.

He is the love of my life

We have been together a year

Felt like we knew each other the first time we met, although we were both shaking so badly hehe which was incredibly cute

I love him more than anything <3

[Deeds510]

My boyfriend and I met online, and talked online for about 6 months before we met. We talk on Skype every night and sleep with Skype on with each other.

 

Getting to know each other and talking to each other before meeting was nice because we really got to learn about each other. Because we were not physically together, we had a very strong emotional relationship.

[Hopeinme]

Yeh, spoke, skyped and talked for hours before meeting 10 months later. It was amazingggtt and we had such a good time. But it was wxhausting missing him so much. He broke up with me a month ago and i feel so lost.

[daletom]

. . . Getting to know each other and talking to each other before meeting was nice because we really got to learn about each other. Because we were not physically together, we had a very strong emotional relationship.

I don't know if that's always the case but my experience was similar. My wife and I wrote to each other - real letters on real paper, no phone calls, skype, text chat, etc - for over 3 months sight-unseen before we met. We were very open with each other and the letters got progressively more serious. By the time we DID meet we were very attracted to each other and almost "in love". In retrospect it was a good way for two rather quiet-and-shy people to get acquainted on a rather personal level. I doubt we would have known each other as well as we did if we had been in a traditional "dating" relationship for a similar length of time.

 

Eventually, you DO need the in-person experience to make the relationship grow and mature. After that LDR start, and a year with regular face-to-face interaction, we have been married almost 39 years.

[Tk123]

6 months and counting without meeting once yet. We text, call, and Skype each other daily. Hopefully I see her for the first time this summer. I'm beginning to lose steam :/ LDR's are especially not for the weary. I commend anyone who had the power to stick out an LDR and turn it into a lifelong companionship. It truly is a challenge.

[Carenth]

My girlfriend and I knew each other for a few years before we met. We were friends for a long time. That eventually became something more, though we never considered ourselves a couple until we had actually met in person. We were both worried we wouldn't get along as well as we did online. Fortunately that turned out not to be an issue at all, quite the opposite actually .

 

I'm planning to move over there sometime towards the end of the year pending something horrible happening between now and then.

[Ursa]

I'm curious if anyone's ever been in a situation where they've met someone online and talked (not official relationship) for a few months before actually meeting in person?

 

Experience, thoughts?

 

When we met, I lived just under a thousand miles away--and I kept popping up for him as his best match within 1,000 miles . He wasn't going to write because of the distance, but one night he did on a whim. We wrote and IMed for several months, we had an intense, free-flowing connection right off the bat but neither of us really believed in LDR so we were trying not to think of it as a serious romantic thing at that time. We both casually dated people we met IRL but found we weren't able to shift our focus to them, we were too interested in each other. After about 8 months of this daily written communication we finally met in person. Then we carried on for another several months of whirlwind LDR where we flew back and forth to see each other every other weekend and talked on the phone for hours every evening. We took vacations together. Then I threw caution to the winds and agreed to move to live with him and his daughter so we could keep a forward momentum to our relationship--neither of us wanted to remain stuck indefinitely in LDR limbo. The decision was a little less crazy than it sounds since he actually lived in the area I was raised in and I had a support network of family and friends there also.

 

Now we are married and also have a young son together. 7.5 years since our first IRL meeting, and about 8.5 years since he sent that first letter (which I still have).

[daletom]

6 months and counting without meeting once yet. We text, call, and Skype each other daily. Hopefully I see her for the first time this summer. I'm beginning to lose steam :/ LDR's are especially not for the weary. I commend anyone who had the power to stick out an LDR and turn it into a lifelong companionship. It truly is a challenge.

My experience is back around Post #9; see http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/391320-anyone-ldr-prior-meeting#post4877321

 

When I started that LDR my goal wasn't much more than a good friendship. We neither expected nor attempted to turn it into a long-term romantic attachment, much less our life partnership. Within the limitations of LDR I didn't think it could become much more than close friendship. Even though we unintentionally developed a close personal attachment through our months of writing, we weren't "in love" before we met. Before we met I thought the meeting might be the start of some kind of relationship - I certainly didn't comprehend how far we had already come.

 

I didn't think a relationship could mature and grow without a significant amount of face-to-face interaction, and I still believe that today. I don't recall that we ever perceived an inflection point where we thought our relationship had to either move forward, or dissolve. Our relationship just seemed to consistently flow forward from the start (though not always at the same rate) - and I know that sounds like a romantic fantasy to many people. Observing others, I can see that an initial in-person meeting really IS such a landmark for an LDR where the original intention is long-term romantic attachment.

 

I truly hope you and your LDR friend turn out to be everything you expect each other to be (or more!) and you can turn your relationship into what you want it to become.

[Deeds510]

My boyfriend and I were together for the past two months. (He came to the States and lived with me while I finished up school for the semester). He just went back to Canada on Sunday and I feel empty without him here. =[

 

It was nice to have him here, because we got to see how things are with each other in the same space and he got to see how my life is here in Wisconsin. Its hard for me that he went home and not knowing when we will get to see each other agian.

[daletom]

Its hard for me that he went home and not knowing when we will get to see each other agian.

I sense you do NOT want this to be an online/internet/penpal thing between you two. If the relationship is going to grow and mature to something more, there has to be a significant amount of face-to-face interaction. This will certainly require some effort, and possibly some sacrifice, to make it happen.

 

He came to the States and lived with me while I finished up school for the semester.

Though I'll guess not, I can hope "lived with me" means "stayed with my family". I think a significant factor in my wife and I going from sight-unseen LDR to newlyweds in a little over a year is the large amount of time we spent as guests of each other's families. The whole idea certainly looks intimidating to a young adult but the long-term payoff can be great.

 

He just went back to Canada . . . he got to see how my life is here in Wisconsin.

I suspect you two found many more similarities than differences, which should encourage your thinking about long-term prospects. Being an ex-pat of the Upper Lakes, now living in the South, I'll wager that Wisconsin is culturally and sociologically much closer to the "foreign" country of Canada, than it is to many places in our own country such as Alabama. But that's a topic for a different thread.

[HuffmanMontana]

Well, met up with the girl. Things didn't go as well as I had hoped for.

 

It's much different meeting someone in person. I talked to this girl for about 10 weeks, seemed to really click but in person I just wasn't interested.

 

She was a little immature for me and the physical attraction wasn't there.

[ThomasD]

Well, met up with the girl. Things didn't go as well as I had hoped for. . . .

I'm sorry to hear that. How much do you think "first date anxiety" (from BOTH of you) contributed to it? How about "inflated expectations"? (Be honest!)

 

Investing 10 weeks in another person isn't something you'd do lightly, and there must have been some foundation to build on. Do you both see things that are worthwhile in each other, and willing to work on the parts that don't seem to fit?

[HuffmanMontana]

I'm sorry to hear that. How much do you think "first date anxiety" (from BOTH of you) contributed to it? How about "inflated expectations"? (Be honest!)

 

Investing 10 weeks in another person isn't something you'd do lightly, and there must have been some foundation to build on. Do you both see things that are worthwhile in each other, and willing to work on the parts that don't seem to fit?

 

It's not going to happen. We've hung out quite a bit. I'm not feeling it.