Propose now or wait.....?

[tj218]

I am currently in a three year relationship (we are both 23) with my girlfriend and we live together (for over a year) in Pennsylvania. We have talked about the future a lot and it is just a given that we are going to get married. And she keeps dropping hints asking when I was going to ask her to marry me. So what's the problem right?

 

 

Well, unfortunately I am still in school and will not have a job until next summer at the earliest and therefore little income. I do have a quite a bit of money saved up from jobs, gifts, etc, so I can easily afford a ring....However, I am very traditional and have serious qualms about asking a woman to marry me if I am unable to support her financially. As a result, whenever the topic gets brought up I tell her how much I would love to propose to her but I did not think it was right (because of a lack of steady income). In addition, I do not feel comfortable asking her family for their permission to propose to their daughter without having a reliable means of supporting her. Yet, the more I think about waiting the longer it seems, if I wait a year then it pushes back marriage, family, and a house back by a year. I know I should be in no rush because I am still young, but is there a point to waiting for the above reason? My heart tells me to do it while my mind tells me to wait until I get a steady paycheck.

 

Can someone give me any suggestions or advice, it seems like everyday I go change my mind on this...

[UCFKevin]

DEFINITELY wait for a steady paycheck.

[johan]

Why do you need to feel like you can support her? "I'm traditional" is pretty arbitrary. What is she going to do anyway? Sit home? Are you so traditional that you think she shouldn't work? You'd better come up with something better, Mr. Cleaver.

 

Sure you can wait for a steady paycheck, but have you figured out what you really need to make? How much are you going to make in your first job anyway? How long is it going to take to get one? In this economy, you might have to take a job at Target for a while before you find something more real. And even then, starting salaries are not that hot. My point is, don't put a good relationship on hold because you're hung up on money. Being poor and having a sweet, happy girl to eat your ramen with can be a nice life.

[Pookette]

Being poor and having a sweet, happy girl to eat your ramen with can be a nice life.

 

Nice sentiment and all that, but a lot of relationships end or sour over financial difficulties. It's a real strain on a relationship if you can barely make ends meet, believe me. I don't think there's anything wrong with holding off on the proposal as long as she knows that you are waiting for the means to support her and a potential family. I think it's rather noble...

[johan]

Maybe struggling is not the best way to start out. I guess it depends whether you both have the same attitude toward money. And whether you really enjoy being together no matter what you're doing. And I think it helps if you're both working to pay the bills.

 

You can definitely expect to have financial problems at some point, whether or not you wait to get a job first. As if you'll be home free after that. People get laid off/fired/move/quit/change careers all the time. You need to be able to handle that together. I'd like to think you could be poor together for a year or two while you get established.

 

Career stress also hurts relationships, by the way. The part before you get a real job could be the best part of your marriage.

[Butchey]

Ask yourself if you are really in love and want to spend the rest of your life with her.

 

If the answer is yes then you don't have to get married now. How about a long engagement? You can buy a pre-engagemnt ring for under $100 and then proceed on your timetable. I believe in long engagements, at least a year and maybe 5. You are very young and acting fast is not a good idea.

 

I am a very methodical person and I move at my own pace. It just feels right.

 

But making it official (engagement) may be the thing she needs to have to be confident in you. If you do get engaged and then she takes control and starts planning it and setting dates without your permission you can always call it off.

 

Communication is the key to your future. Both of you have to be on the same page. Your career should be important to her as well. But never put your career first.

[pixie2004]

I agree on getting engaged and then waiting at least a year or two before getting married. Sometimes a ring on your finger is the only commitment a women needs....

[tj218]

If I were to propose, the earliest I would be comfortable getting married would be spring 06 (so a good 18 months from now). I know we are both in love, that's not a question what so ever, we both can't imagine life without one another.

 

I don't believe that she needs the ring to show that I am willing to make a committment, we both know it's a matter of time before we get married. She's happy as long as we are together, she is not the type where I need to prove myself to her.

 

 

Thanks for all the help thus far.

 

If I were to look into getting a ring, how much should I spend (sorry I am naive on this one) websites say two months salary....so looking back at my last two months....($500) lol I don't think I'd feel comfortable with that. Anything I should know now or in the future with jewelry shopping? THanks

[savethedrama4allama]

Follow your heart.

 

Your girlfriend is lucky. She has the love of a responsible and thoughtful man.

 

Forget the two month's salary crap. That is a marketing tool by DeBeers. Just think, she has to wear this for the rest of her life. Get her the size, clarity, and style that she will be satisfied with.

[tj218]

I appreciate all the comments, please keep them coming

 

My one comment is that if I were to propose to her soon that we would not get married until late 05 or more realistically spring 06.

[savethedrama4allama]

What does she think of getting engaged while you don't have a steady paycheck?

 

What does she think of waiting until 2006 to actually get married?

[bluechocolate]

My one comment is that if I were to propose to her soon that we would not get married until late 05 or more realistically spring 06.

 

So what? What's the rush? You're already living together. If you love each other & you both want to get married at some point in the future then propose. Maybe I'm missing something here, but I don't see what difference it makes if you propose now & wait a year or two, or propose in a year or two & get married soon after.

 

As for the ring business - if she loves you & wants to marry you any 'ole ring should do for now. You can always upgrade later when you've got the dosh to do so.

[katie79]

LOL! My age is 25 and my fiancee's is 30 going on 31. We are having a two year engagement. Why don't you do the same?

Save your money and get her a cheaper ring for now. Propose. Have a 2 year engagement. What's wrong with a two year engagement? I'll have been w/ my man for 6 years by the time we get hitched.

 

Hopefully, you're sure about spending the rest of your life with her. If you're not, you should be honest and tell her. DOn't play games with that. Everybody looses in the end anyway.

 

If you are serious, do what your "heart says". Money and work issues wil always be there to haunt you in life. The older you get, the more complex life becomes. It doesn't get any easier hon! Who knows how much you'll be making by then? Even if you were rich now, you could be laid off and poor a week before your wedding day! Marriage is about sticking it out together. You already live together, so what would change really?