Did I hit home on this subject?

[c.jude]

Well, to make a long story short, my boyfriend and I were discussing what is considered infidelious behavior. We both met on okcupid and we have both deleted our accounts. We each still have one friend we keep in touch with on there. He is attending the same college the girl he met on there is attending and they also share the same major. He will be living on campus. He texted, "Say I went out with a girl I met on okcupid who is just a friend now for dinner. Would that be okay?" I replied, "Eh, it sounds like a date to me. Going out alone with someone of the opposite sex (unless it's a longtime bestfriend or family) is kind of disrespectful to the person you are currently dating. I always make sure I'm going with a group of friends or bring a friend along if I'm going to hang out with a guy friend." He texted back, "how is it disrespectful if it technically isn't a date? Don't you trust me?"

So I then wrote a reply: "I agree trust is very important in a relationship. However, there is also a level of respect and understanding of what's appropriate and what is not. For instance, with my ex and I (we trusted one another), I never allowed myself to be placed in positions where I call that trust he had in me into a question. Everybody's line is different, but I'd say the ultimate judge of where to draw the line is this: if ONE of us has a problem with a certain kind of behavior, then that determines where the line is drawn. I'm not saying I don't trust you or didn't trust my ex, that's not the point. the point is, a partner should respect the other enough to NOT place oneself in a situation where he/she might suspect something outward."

His reply was: "Well...okay..."

 

Do you think this hit home? I know he had feelings for this girl but it never worked out. I just wanted to make it clear what was okay and what was not to me. Did I sound too possessive? Thank you for reading and sharing your opinions!

[c.jude]

*from there. We don't have our accounts up but we do keep in touch as friends with a person we met on there. I have never met the person I met on there and I plan to never. I just write to him as a penpal occasionally. And yes, he knows of the person I occasionally write to and I know about her. He however, does talk to the girl he met on there very frequently on facebook.

[Chi townD]

No, I think that you got your point across quite nicely. And I have to applaud how the two of you are communicating with each other. Makes for a healthy relationship.

[noble]

I disagree...

So what you've basically told him is he's not allowed to have one-on-one friends of the opposite sex. He can only have female friends if he hangs out with them in a group setting? and eating a meal with a friend of the opposite sex is automatically a date?

I think you sound a little controlling or possessive. You either trust him, or you don't. The fact that he even ran the idea by you suggests that he trusts you, and wants to be upfront and honest with him.

just because someone is "our" boyfriend or girlfriend does not mean we own them, and therefore dont allow them to spend time with anyone else.

I think that you sort of came across as really needy and insecure.

Also, I disagree with the idea that if one partner is uncomfortable with something that that is where the line is drawn. Because plenty of people are uncomfortable with silly things because they have issues they need to deal with -- insecurity, trust issues, whatever. Personally, I'm uncomfortable with my boyfriend going out drinking to bars with his friends because Im insecure about myself and worry that every girl is prettier than me. But does that mean thats where we should draw the line, and he shouldn't be allowed to go out with his friends? No, he's never given me any reason not to trust him. We shouldn't draw the line there, but instead see that this is an opportunity for me as a person to grow and become less insecure..

If I were this guy I would be feeling a little stifled by your demands.

Just sayin'.

[c.jude]

I disagree...

So what you've basically told him is he's not allowed to have one-on-one friends of the opposite sex. He can only have female friends if he hangs out with them in a group setting? and eating a meal with a friend of the opposite sex is automatically a date?

I think you sound a little controlling or possessive. You either trust him, or you don't. The fact that he even ran the idea by you suggests that he trusts you, and wants to be upfront and honest with him.

just because someone is "our" boyfriend or girlfriend does not mean we own them, and therefore dont allow them to spend time with anyone else.

I think that you sort of came across as really needy and insecure.

Also, I disagree with the idea that if one partner is uncomfortable with something that that is where the line is drawn. Because plenty of people are uncomfortable with silly things because they have issues they need to deal with -- insecurity, trust issues, whatever. Personally, I'm uncomfortable with my boyfriend going out drinking to bars with his friends because Im insecure about myself and worry that every girl is prettier than me. But does that mean thats where we should draw the line, and he shouldn't be allowed to go out with his friends? No, he's never given me any reason not to trust him. We shouldn't draw the line there, but instead see that this is an opportunity for me as a person to grow and become less insecure..

If I were this guy I would be feeling a little stifled by your demands.

Just sayin'.

 

So you are saying that it is okay if your boyfriend takes another girl he met on an online dating site out to dinner? You would be totally okay if he said he can't go out with you tonight because he is meeting up with another girl? Or if he said, "Hey, hon. I can't meet you for dinner tonight. I'm taking a girl out for dinner and a movie tonight." Just sounds weird to me. I mean, it sounds less weird if he said, "Hey, hon, going out with a couple friends tonight to the movies and dinner. I can't make it."

[Chi townD]

I disagree...

So what you've basically told him is he's not allowed to have one-on-one friends of the opposite sex. He can only have female friends if he hangs out with them in a group setting? and eating a meal with a friend of the opposite sex is automatically a date?

I think you sound a little controlling or possessive. You either trust him, or you don't. The fact that he even ran the idea by you suggests that he trusts you, and wants to be upfront and honest with him.

just because someone is "our" boyfriend or girlfriend does not mean we own them, and therefore dont allow them to spend time with anyone else.

I think that you sort of came across as really needy and insecure.

Also, I disagree with the idea that if one partner is uncomfortable with something that that is where the line is drawn. Because plenty of people are uncomfortable with silly things because they have issues they need to deal with -- insecurity, trust issues, whatever. Personally, I'm uncomfortable with my boyfriend going out drinking to bars with his friends because Im insecure about myself and worry that every girl is prettier than me. But does that mean thats where we should draw the line, and he shouldn't be allowed to go out with his friends? No, he's never given me any reason not to trust him. We shouldn't draw the line there, but instead see that this is an opportunity for me as a person to grow and become less insecure..

If I were this guy I would be feeling a little stifled by your demands.

Just sayin'.

 

I disagree with this.

 

If you are in a comitted relationship and your partner isn't comfortable with a certain situation, are you saying that he doesn't have to take his or her feelings into account?

 

I mean, I wouldn't have a problem with it too much if it were a group of them going out. But, two people going out for dinner exclusively that happened to meet through a dating site? Come on! I mean, THEY'VE MET!! Which means that one of them had to have contacted the other because there was a level of interest by one or both!

[baRx]

I think you did a perfect job in explaining to him what was appropriate and what wasn't.

 

anyone who disagrees this, has their own issues. It's natural to be uncomfortable with your boyfriend taking out a girl he met on a DATING site, whom he once HAD FEELINGS for, "just friends" or not.

 

again, you did a perfect job. he should have understood this.

 

i'm not saying having friends of the opposite sex is wrong, because it's not.. but the way you think, is the way everyone should think. you go out of your way to make sure you don't put yourself in a 'harmful' situation... if only everyone did that, we'd have no reason not to trust people.

 

i also applaud the fact that he ran it by you. most people wouldn't.

 

so, no, you don't sound possessive. you sound rational and reasonable.

[noble]

So you are saying that it is okay if your boyfriend takes another girl he met on an online dating site out to dinner? You would be totally okay if he said he can't go out with you tonight because he is meeting up with another girl? Or if he said, "Hey, hon. I can't meet you for dinner tonight. I'm taking a girl out for dinner and a movie tonight." Just sounds weird to me. I mean, it sounds less weird if he said, "Hey, hon, going out with a couple friends tonight to the movies and dinner. I can't make it."

 

I can see why you feel the way you do.. but its not exactly the situation. First off, your boyfriend asked you if it was okay to go to dinner with a female friend, a woman he happened to meet through online dating. A dinner and a movie? That does sound datish, but I would go to a dinner and a movie with a female friend too and it wouldn't be a date. Just because he has a penis and she has a vagina it must be sexual?

Also, if my boyfriend cancelled plans on me to go out with a female friend sure I'd be bummed.. but how would I react? I wouldn't flip out on him and say "no, this is where I draw the line" because he's my partner, not my child. And you know what he would do if I said that? He'd say "well, you can't tell me I can't spend time with my friend and I'm going to do it anyway"..at the end of the day all it would accomplish is making me look insecure and demanding.

Are you scared he's going to have sex with her? If so, then it's a trust issue on your part. Either you trust him, or you don't.

[noble]

Also.. just to be clear here, I am a woman. But I think sometimes this website is a little biased in the situations it evaluates.

For example, I believe if it was a girl asking her boyfriend if she could hang out with a male friend, and the boyfriend said no.. many women on here would tell the female poster to dump her "controlling" boyfriend..

Women believe it is okay for them to have male friends, and not for their boyfriends to have female friends. They assume that all men want to sleep with all their female friends, which isn't true.

I feel like we women often times see other females as a severe threat to our own relationships, while men dont feel the same.

 

The poster asked about how I would feel if my boyfriend wanted to hang out with a girl alone.. and honestly I would never be able to say anything because I have had lots of male friends that I've hung out with alone with my boyfriends knowledge and he doesn't care. Why? Because he trusts me. If I were to say "oh you cant be friends with her" it really wouldnt be fair.

Of course there are extenuating circumstances -- for example if the girl in question made overt sexual passes at my BF, which has happened, then of course I would be upset. However, when that situation DID happen it was my boyfriend who told the girl he didnt feel comfortable being friends with her anymore -- I didn't have to tell him to do that. In fact I had to force him to go talk to her at a christmas party this year because he was the only person at the party she knew..

Is there any particular reason though why you feel you can't trust your boyfriend to get dinner with this particular woman?

[c.jude]

Also.. just to be clear here, I am a woman. But I think sometimes this website is a little biased in the situations it evaluates.

For example, I believe if it was a girl asking her boyfriend if she could hang out with a male friend, and the boyfriend said no.. many women on here would tell the female poster to dump her "controlling" boyfriend..

Women believe it is okay for them to have male friends, and not for their boyfriends to have female friends. They assume that all men want to sleep with all their female friends, which isn't true.

I feel like we women often times see other females as a severe threat to our own relationships, while men dont feel the same.

 

The poster asked about how I would feel if my boyfriend wanted to hang out with a girl alone.. and honestly I would never be able to say anything because I have had lots of male friends that I've hung out with alone with my boyfriends knowledge and he doesn't care. Why? Because he trusts me. If I were to say "oh you cant be friends with her" it really wouldnt be fair.

Of course there are extenuating circumstances -- for example if the girl in question made overt sexual passes at my BF, which has happened, then of course I would be upset. However, when that situation DID happen it was my boyfriend who told the girl he didnt feel comfortable being friends with her anymore -- I didn't have to tell him to do that. In fact I had to force him to go talk to her at a christmas party this year because he was the only person at the party she knew..

Is there any particular reason though why you feel you can't trust your boyfriend to get dinner with this particular woman?

First off, I never said "NO" you can't look, breathe, hang out, etc. with other women or have female friends. I am NOT controlling. We text back and forth, I never pry on what he's doing or in his business. He has been the needy one. I just think it's more comfortable being in a group or with a couple of friends. I'm uncomfortable with the thought that he might be going to a date like place alone with this women in particular. This women has been chasing after him for about a year now. He was romantically involved with her for a little bit, she broke it off since she wanted to give a long time guy friend a "chance." When it didn't work out for both of them, she's been pursuing him ever since. If they're just friends, why the exclusiveness? Why on earth must they be alone together is they're "just friends"? yes, she has made many sexual passes with him, I have read some of her messages to him.

[c.jude]

To add- I have been fine and dandy with him going out with two or more females to hang or go for coffee. It's just when he think about taking one for alone time it sounds strange to me. I mean, if it's for coffee or a quick lunch with female co worker friends, it's fine. It's just when he takes one out on a date like place I am uncomfortable. Do you get what I mean?

[noble]

Okay well a lot of what you just mentioned in your last post was not included in the first post -- that shes been actively pursuing him for the better part of a year with sexual advances? In the first post you mention that she is a friend of his who he happened to meet on OLD, that they briefly dated, and it didn't work out but they remained friends. I didn't get the impression from your original post that her intentions were anything other than just being friendly with her.

In that case I would wonder why my boyfriend was wanting to spend time with a girl who was trying to get into a relationship/have sex with him.

I think overall an attached male hanging out solo with a female friend whether it be going to coffee, dinner, the mall, a movie, or whatever should not be a big deal in a relationship where there is trust established. However, if that said friend is secretly trying to date the man in question, then yes it is a problem.

With that said though.. it is your BF who should be handling the problem, not encouraging it. He should be the one deciding the parameters, you shouldnt have to be policing his behavior. So if you feel like you cannot trust your boyfriend to make the appropriate decision in these situations of how to handle things then that is a problem you need to address -- and maybe something you two will just not see eye to eye on.

Some people feel there is nothing wrong with that type of behavior, while others do. It's not necessarily a right or wrong situation, but more an issue of compatability.

It seems like you want your boyfriend to be the type of man who sees the guidelines of a romantic relationship the way you do, and he may not. So it comes down to either a compromise between the two of you, or constant problems regarding these types of issues.

If he loves you and is willing to work with you to see your point of you, and you likewise, then there should be no problem.

 

Let me just say from experience that when you talk to him about it try to come from a place of listening and really trying to see his side of things. I know when I deal with issues like this with my boyfriend my feelings of anger or jealousy can sometimes get in the way of acknowledging areas in which he may be right..

Good luck.

[c.jude]

Okay well a lot of what you just mentioned in your last post was not included in the first post -- that shes been actively pursuing him for the better part of a year with sexual advances? In the first post you mention that she is a friend of his who he happened to meet on OLD, that they briefly dated, and it didn't work out but they remained friends. I didn't get the impression from your original post that her intentions were anything other than just being friendly with her.

In that case I would wonder why my boyfriend was wanting to spend time with a girl who was trying to get into a relationship/have sex with him.

I think overall an attached male hanging out solo with a female friend whether it be going to coffee, dinner, the mall, a movie, or whatever should not be a big deal in a relationship where there is trust established. However, if that said friend is secretly trying to date the man in question, then yes it is a problem.

With that said though.. it is your BF who should be handling the problem, not encouraging it. He should be the one deciding the parameters, you shouldnt have to be policing his behavior. So if you feel like you cannot trust your boyfriend to make the appropriate decision in these situations of how to handle things then that is a problem you need to address -- and maybe something you two will just not see eye to eye on.

Some people feel there is nothing wrong with that type of behavior, while others do. It's not necessarily a right or wrong situation, but more an issue of compatability.

It seems like you want your boyfriend to be the type of man who sees the guidelines of a romantic relationship the way you do, and he may not. So it comes down to either a compromise between the two of you, or constant problems regarding these types of issues.

If he loves you and is willing to work with you to see your point of you, and you likewise, then there should be no problem.

 

Let me just say from experience that when you talk to him about it try to come from a place of listening and really trying to see his side of things. I know when I deal with issues like this with my boyfriend my feelings of anger or jealousy can sometimes get in the way of acknowledging areas in which he may be right..

Good luck.

Thank you, noble for your advice. He has asked if I was opposed to her showing him around the campus. I said it's cool as long as she isn't stringing him for a date afterwards. It just makes me feel uncomfortable to know they were romantically involved, and she's still interested. I will also mention I have many serious allergies, I cannot go out to eat. I know he wants to take his girl out to eat, do normal dating stuff. I guess I just feel like I've got the short end of the stick since I cannot go out to eat, yet she can and can go on nice dinners with him. Or if he takes her to places we usually go on dates. I know he has told her several times that he just wants to be on friendly terms and he is with somebody. I guess it's also because I was raised in a very conservative home. I asked for my parent's opinions, and they agree with me. They however, are very traditional.

[road]

Well, to make a long story short, my boyfriend and I were discussing what is considered infidelious behavior. We both met on okcupid and we have both deleted our accounts. We each still have one friend we keep in touch with on there. He is attending the same college the girl he met on there is attending and they also share the same major. He will be living on campus. He texted, "Say I went out with a girl I met on okcupid who is just a friend now for dinner. Would that be okay?" I replied, "Eh, it sounds like a date to me. Going out alone with someone of the opposite sex (unless it's a longtime bestfriend or family) is kind of disrespectful to the person you are currently dating. I always make sure I'm going with a group of friends or bring a friend along if I'm going to hang out with a guy friend." He texted back, "how is it disrespectful if it technically isn't a date? Don't you trust me?"

So I then wrote a reply: "I agree trust is very important in a relationship. However, there is also a level of respect and understanding of what's appropriate and what is not. For instance, with my ex and I (we trusted one another), I never allowed myself to be placed in positions where I call that trust he had in me into a question. Everybody's line is different, but I'd say the ultimate judge of where to draw the line is this: if ONE of us has a problem with a certain kind of behavior, then that determines where the line is drawn. I'm not saying I don't trust you or didn't trust my ex, that's not the point. the point is, a partner should respect the other enough to NOT place oneself in a situation where he/she might suspect something outward."

His reply was: "Well...okay..."

 

Do you think this hit home?

 

 

You hit a grand slam home run.

[road]

*from there. We don't have our accounts up but we do keep in touch as friends with a person we met on there. I have never met the person I met on there and I plan to never. I just write to him as a penpal occasionally. And yes, he knows of the person I occasionally write to and I know about her. He however, does talk to the girl he met on there very frequently on facebook.

 

 

What is good for the goose is good for.........................

 

You are basically e dating this OM. You are a two timer.

 

Your BF prefers to two time live.

 

You both need to dump each other. Grow up next. Then try dating again.