He left me.

[Leigh 87]

That is true, xxoo.

 

I am just sure that under better conditions, that him being himself, and me being myself WITHOUT the psychological issues, would work very well. He has stressed this; how much he thought we were good together.

 

Although this may actually be it for good, I am not quiet ready to accept it yet. And neither is he, as a matter of fact.

[Leigh 87]

your very defensive and if you believe your completely normal then you shouldn't be. From my perspective it wasnt just Alex that sees this as odd. he tried to make sense of you. Then tried to put sense into you. Nothing worked so he gave up.

It's the way you type that makes you seem pompous. For eg: I go to college, I have IQ above average. I believe that people will see this through the way you interact and there is no need to say those things. I go to uni but definitely no need for me to put it all over the forum.

 

And I did not say anything about you not supporting people. Whether you do it more than me or not really has nothing to do with anything. It's merely this post that is odd and contradicting. But I'm sure your hurt and going through mixed emotions. I think the point of people being harsh and giving you the reality is to open your eyes and see things how it is.

It's your choice whether you believe them or not but when you post on this forum for help and they try to help but you don't listen it's difficult for them to continue this way.

 

Everyone wants to hear what they want to hear. But you should know that this forum isn't about that. They will give it to you how it is.

 

 

Ugh.

 

I meant I am not super smart or some rocket scientist just because I am at college; I meant to say that I AM NOT STUPID. Alex said that I was BELOW average in intelligence. So I stated that I WAS NOT a rocket scientist, I have areas I am not so bright in, but I AM NOT STUPID on the whole....

 

You take things the wrong way.

 

And Alex did not come to help me. He just came to tell me I was stupid and a mean person and other things he has said. I am neither of those things so why would I listen to him?

 

Like. LOL.

 

And he does not believe my ex ever was in love with me anyway, so I do not really listen to people on here who try to tell me that my ex did not give a damn about me.

[FailedFirstLove]

When I came on here. Some people were supportive in a comforting sweet way. And some just give you harsh reality. It's just to trigger you to think. When they say. He doesn't want to be with you which is why he left. It just makes you question whether what your thinking is true or your just feeling that way because its what you want.

 

If you don't believe that they are correct then that's fine. For me the harsh reality just makes me think harder and question myself more. Being honest here. But from an outsider perspective I can see how people can think that his not in love with you anymore. but that's from an outsider. Of course from an insider you get a different perspective. But it doesn't hurt to get people's opinion one the Same situation does it? I'm sure your ex has his perspective too. And could be completely different from what you and I think.

[William]

At this point, moderation will remind members that 'harsh reality' will be necessarily conforming to our guidelines of civility and respect or the poster, and their posts, shall be removed. That's 'harsh reality'. Shout each other down on the street corner. This is not the place for that. Thanks.

[Lost_Soul_86]

Ok people, were not 15 years old anymore lets stop with the insults!

I agree though that this thread is so confusing, hard to follow and all over the place. Leigh i'm sorry your hurting the way you are, but don't forget so are 99% of the people on this site. **** my boyfriend of 9 years broke up with me 2 months ago because he doesn't love me anymore and i too am absolutely heartbroken but its a fact of life that all of us go through at some stage. Sure its going to take a long time to heal but you need to stop thinking these crazy thoughts and get back into a stable frame of mind. There's no doubt in my mind that he DID love you as im sure if he didn't he wouldn't of stuck around for so long, but him STILL loving you is a different question all together.

 

Regret is a feeling that i'm sure a lot of people feel when breakups happen- , i know i for one am full of regret for the actions and behavior i sometimes showed throughout my relationship, but there's nothing you can do to change the past, focus on your weaknesses and change them for the future. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall into place.

 

I really think seeking some professional help will do you the world of good.

 

Happiness is not determined by what’s happening around you, but rather what’s happening inside you. Most people depend on others to gain happiness, but the truth is, it always comes from within. I really hope happiness isn’t too far away for you.

[Leigh 87]

Wow, after 9 years that would still be hurting you so much.....

 

I am very sorry to hear it. I guess because Andrew never told me that his feelings changed for me, that I held on to false hope.

 

I am going no contact soon. We only broke up a couple of days ago, and we hugged in bed the first two nights, as we could not handle being apart.

 

Because it is so fresh and neither of us did anything wrong, in the form of cheating; and because he said he never stopped loving me, I found it hard to accept it is forever.

 

We were far too close for me to just accept that we will never have sex again and... far out. It was just too hard to not talk to him the day after the break up. I was also in a VERY bad way, and my parents were not in the country so he looked after me at first.

 

NOW though, a few days after the break up; this is my first night alone.

 

As time goes by I am increasingly letting go of a second chance. IF it happens it should happen once we have moved on and experienced other people and have DETERMINED that we never felt the same way about other people, as we did each other; that we want each other back. For good.

 

I am going no contact soon.

 

I have two small dogs that live at his place. And I grew to love his two small dogs. I loved the dogs so very much. I sat and cuddled with them all day every day.

 

I am losing my beautiful dog too; I live in a dog free flat.

 

We went through so much together. I am crying as I right this - the first time I have cried today actually.

 

HIs stuff is here and I want to see him one last time. I want to go no contact as soon as possible, so I can go on my overseas holiday in a more.... stable state.

[Els]

Leigh, what is preventing you from going NC now? Not soon, now?

[venusianx13]

Leigh, I wish you the best. I understand that no one is immune to the rollercoaster of emotion that comes with a rough break up. Please pay no attention to the insults previously directed at you in this thread. Work on being the best version of yourself, take it day by day, and you will come out of this just fine, in fact, you'll be all the wiser. Every person we meet, no matter for how long or what kind of involvement, has something to teach us about ourselves. Best to you.

[Leigh 87]

THANKS guys your just lovely. Just the kind words I need right now:)

 

UGH guys. He rang. He is on his way over. He said he wants to badly hug me in bed.

 

I said: ANDREW. Look, I know we only just broke up, but unless I rock your world and you love me desperately enough to be with me in ALL WAYS then please, I do not want to be in contact with you. You are free to contact me ONLY if you have an epiphany that you dearly love me still, and want me back.

 

He is here.

 

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

[TaraMaiden]

Duh-Duh-Duuuuuuuuuh!!

 

God I hope this isn't a pre-cursor to a FWB situation... * Slaps head*

[KatZee]

Duh-Duh-Duuuuuuuuuh!!

 

God I hope this isn't a pre-cursor to a FWB situation... * Slaps head*

 

Nah I think it's codependency to be honest. He can't handle the shock of being single and so he feels he's made a mistake. Guarantee they get back together only to end again within the month.

[youngnlove89]

What a horny toad.

 

I wish my mind could have been this clear when my ex came knocking on my door, banged me, left and then it was back to Day 1 for me.

 

We all see the train heading right towards her, but she is like the moth that loves the bright light...the ill-walking zombie who can smell the human flesh of warm blood...the obese person drooling over the chocolate cake...ah, you get my point.

 

That's her.

 

I hope you didn't answer!!!

[youngnlove89]

Considering nothing has has changed, based on her previous threads and their history... This has been the pattern over and over and over again.

 

A Dysfunctional and Toxic person has dysfunctional and toxic relationships with another dysfunctional and toxic person.

 

Nothing to see here... Move Along.

 

 

HMM SOUNDS LIKE ME!!

 

haha. The OP should read all my prior threads and see where she is headed if she ends up like me!

 

Nothing but a dead end road...just a place to turn around.

[dreamingoftigers]

THANKS guys your just lovely. Just the kind words I need right now:)

 

UGH guys. He rang. He is on his way over. He said he wants to badly hug me in bed.

 

I said: ANDREW. Look, I know we only just broke up, but unless I rock your world and you love me desperately enough to be with me in ALL WAYS then please, I do not want to be in contact with you. You are free to contact me ONLY if you have an epiphany that you dearly love me still, and want me back.

 

He is here.

 

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

 

At best this will probably land in a very nasty fight.

 

With him being like "see this is why I left!"

 

Even though he shouldn't have gone over there to begin with....

[Drseussgrrl]

You can't pin your personal progress on another person. This is the very definition of codependent.

 

Said person can walk away at any point, and THEN where are you?

[Leigh 87]

We didn't fight. We never really did. It was very occasionally that I caused drama. I'm not a toxic person- I don't feel toxic emotions like jealousy. I never waste my energy bitching about others. I am normally a remarkablly positive person and everyone around me, in my real life: they comment on what a happy and content person I seem like.

 

To me, a toxic person really hates themselves and hence: they cannot feel happy for others. Instead, toxic people feel jealous of those around them who are successful and happy. I am not remotely like a toxic person. I have self esteem issues yes, but they are mostly to do with the fact that I have not finished college and gotten my degree yet. I am proud of who I am and only wish to change the fact that I take some issues out on others closest to me.

 

We just hugged in bed. No sex. He says he is just wants a better version of me. He knows I need some time alone. I have been through a lot before Andrew, I never progressed alone- he was around helping me. Which he did- help a lot.....only there are some issues I need to figure out alone

[Leigh 87]

My goal is to: impose no contact and tell him that I only want to hear from him if he cannot let go and desperately loves me and wants another go with me.

 

I will probably just move on and not hear from him, but you never know. He does not sound like he wants to let go forever. Only time will tell.

 

He seems very opposed to no contact. I explained that if we are not together, then we won't move on if we maintain contact. Especially if he wants to come hug me in bed like this.

 

I will tell him how no contact is what we both need- to grow as people and to either move on for good, or for a while until he comes back, which rarely happens when a person breaks up.

[KatZee]

Two days ago:

 

I regularly caused drama. I would bring an issue up every night. I put Andrew through a lot.

 

Today:

 

It was very occasionally that I caused drama. I'm not a toxic person- I don't feel toxic emotions like jealousy. I never waste my energy bitching about others.

 

Stop lying Leigh. Just stop lying. There is absolutely no need for it, you don't need to convince any of us here of anything. No one can help you if you continue to pathologically lie and twist situations to better fit what you feel what you need to say. I'm not even sure who you're trying to fool here since your words, once written, cannot be taken down from this site. We see what you say.

 

Stop embellishing. Stop speaking for Andrew. You are severely toxic and it's why Andrew doesn't want to be with you. You ARE toxic. The reason he left was because of your issues. Your unhealthy issues. Can't you see this already? Stop defending yourself, and admit what you are.

[KatZee]

To me, a toxic person really hates themselves and hence: they cannot feel happy for others. Instead, toxic people feel jealous of those around them who are successful and happy. I am not remotely like a toxic person.

 

I'm not sure where you're getting this but not all toxic people hate themselves.

 

You bitching all the time to Andrew and dumping your insecurities all over him, IS TOXIC.

 

Being a bitch to Andrew, IS TOXIC.

 

Being hurtful to him, IS TOXIC.

 

"Toxic people drain your energy. It may be that they get you to spend a lot of time and emotional strength trying to cheer them up." --- Do you think throwing yourself on the floor having a fit like a 5 year old, screaming, ISN'T toxic?!

 

"Toxic people may be leeches who feed themselves by making you give them your positivity or strength."--- do you think having constant issues your whole life, and then using Andrew as a crutch ISN'T toxic? You always credit him in being the person who has made you a better person, but can't you see how much you've drained him down to nothing? You are the leech. You did nothing for yourself, you relied on him always. And even WITH Andrew, your issues STILL haven't been resolved. This IS TOXIC.

 

"Does he or she always seem more cheerful after ranting to you? If this is the case, you likely have a toxic person on your hands." ---Starting nightly drama and being a bitch to him IS TOXIC.

 

The first step to resolving your issues, is to stop being so pigheaded and to admit that you're not perfect. You're not mentally balanced. You're not healthy, and you ARE TOXIC.

[Simon Phoenix]

This thread is the perfect example of protesting too much. I don't know the previous history of this poster, but she needs to spend more time working on her issues and less time spinning them.

[KatZee]

This thread is the perfect example of protesting too much. I don't know the previous history of this poster, but she needs to spend more time working on her issues and less time spinning them.

 

This is her trademark. It's just what she does, and I truly don't think she even fully comprehends that she does this. IMO this is going to be the biggest hurdle for her, especially if she can't even recognize it.

[Leigh 87]

Well yes, in that regard I am toxic. I am, just not one of those evil people who are never happy for others - and instead, only harbour feelings of jealously when things go well for other people.

 

This only manifests itself to those I love the most. My parents and boyfriends.

 

As I have matured, I no longer argue at all with my parents. They can see that I have changed.

 

KatZee - your right, but can you see why I do not identify with the way MOST toxic people are like? I bring people around me, my friends and strangers even, UP, not down. You know - I am very kind to people IN GENERAL, and I am only happy for them and their successes in life.

 

I always viewed toxic people as people who: sit around the office, bitchingg and moaning about their lives, other people, and be moaning the fact that good things happen to others and not themselves. I am the POLAR OPPOSITE of those bitchyy people.

 

I am toxic of course, but in the sense that my issues bring out the worst in me.

 

I was never ... so much a b8tchh to Andrew. I feel that I was mostly a wonderful girlfriend. He always knew he was loved and that I would look after him. I would blow of my life for days and hug him in bed if he was ill or upset about his dead mother.

 

I did not look at another man whilst I was with Andrew. Of course I was toxic, but I was everything that most guys want in a girlfriend; kind, considerate, leaving no doubt they are loved and looked after.

 

Being toxic can be fixed. Being an @sshole of a person is harder to identify and want to fix. I would rather be toxic and see a shrink about strategies I can use to fend off destructive thought patterns and the resulting actions.

 

I am completely kind and caring to all those around me. I am happy for strangers who have just met me to call at all hours if they are upset. I go out of my way to do things for anyone who needs me. I am always friendly to ANY. PERSON.

 

I do not think I spent the MAJORITY of my time being some awful bitchh to him.

 

Although I Am not excusing that I took issues out on him rather than seeking help.

[Leigh 87]

You want total honestly?

 

- I have always been a lazy person who procrastinated rather than solved problems in my life

 

- I would let my body go, even though I knew full well that I prefer to eat well 80% of the time and exercise when I can. As a result, I felt lethargic, became unhealthy, felt run down often, had no energy, not to mention I did not walk around in sexy clothes or get naked to make Andrew excited. He is the type of guy who likes his girlfriend to be proud of her body and show it off. He is visual and while we enjoyed sex, he does not get aroused unless he visually sees skin and my body; the fact I hid my body, made him... lose the compulsion to look at my and rip my clothes off. Seeing as there was no visual stimuli (tight or revealing clothes, etc). I very much hid my expanding body.

 

- because I felt unhealthy and un attractive, I took my annoyance regarding the issue out on him; you must not be that into me if you do not want to just rip my clothes off all of the time and go down on me and be obsessed with me. I should have DONE something about my health AND seen a therapist.

 

- with college, I got into a hard to get into dietetics degree. I hated it, even though I wanted to be a nutritionist or dietician since age 7. I was upset that I worked hard to get into the degree and then realised it was not for me. I had not studied math or science for YEARS, about 15 years, and therefore I did not want to re visit it all. I would have needed at least 2 years of tutoring just to begin the degree.

 

- I sat around and did nothing with my life after my life long dream came to an end, of being a dietician. I laid around and let the house get into a mess. I stopped exercising and eating healthily.

 

I basically took my displeasure in my own life out on HIM. Although hanging around him is basically all that MADE me happy. I was happy, I felt "happy" most of the time, as we have a lot of laughs together. Which is essential to me in a relationship.

 

I soon realised that I was going no where fast; being happy with my boyfriend was obviously not enough, seeing as I have a brain and goals in life I need to fulfil in order for me TO be truly happy in ways BESIDES being around Andrew.

 

So. I have found a degree I finally enjoy doing, that will lead to the ideal job for me. with average pay yet a very high probability of getting work.

 

After I discovered the degree and career in life that I was very passionate about, I still ate like a pig and did not work out. Instead of spending enough time with friends, I relied on Andrew still

 

OF course the issues continued: I would just.. not try my best in life, frankly. And I am not a women who can be a bad version of herself and be happy. I have higher standards. Yet I lack willpower and tend to be lazy about enacting changes; then I hate the consequences of inaction.

Andrew told me he adored me and that I was the best thing that happened to him even though I was not the best version of myself. Although he did express concern that I had not made that many friends in my new town.

 

I ended up at my wits end with MYSELF: I hated the way I way, and although I was NORMALLY at home, very happy with Andrew, I needed MORE THAN THAT.

 

I needed to be fit and healthy. I needed to walk around feeling confident about my body, as I KNOW Andrew would have been thrilled with that attitude. I needed to focus on making better friends with the new people I met at college.

 

I need time to accomplish a few things, but I do not think I need as much time as people say I do.

 

I do think that, because I normally felt happiness and joy throughout this time, that I have the ability to at least be very grateful and happy in my life without having to be perfect.

 

I was happy, but needed more aspects of my life to be fulfilled.

 

Andrew thinks him leaving me is the kick up the @ss that I need.

 

He tells me I am so much better than the way I could act sometimes.

[KatZee]

There are tons of levels of toxic and there are tons of ways a person can be toxic. Toxic just isn't a person sitting in an office complaining.

 

Don't delve into the the levels of toxicity. Just admit, you're toxic. The end. Just because your type of toxic isn't relative to another type, doesn't make you any less toxic.

 

So just say, "Yes I am toxic. I'm seeking help." The end. Nothing more needs to be said. You don't have to justify, or make points, or convince us of anything.

 

Also, it doesn't matter if you were a bitch 10 times, or 100 times. There is never an acceptable time to be a bitch. It's never OK to act that way to a person you claim to love.

 

And I would say, if you're bringing up drama every single night, yes, the majority of the time you are acting wrong. You shouldn't be bringing up drama every night. You shouldn't even be bringing up drama once a week.

 

Just think rationally here. If the MAJORITY of the time you were so wonderful, do you think Andrew would have left? Do you think he would have said, "I've waited 2 years for you to fix your issues, and I can't take it anymore, I can't be with you."

 

I think your actions and your behaviors towards him had a far deeper impact on him than you can even comprehend. You're living in your own bubble where you think you know every detail of how he feels, and what he thinks. You don't. No matter how close you think you were, or how in love you think he was, he was hurting, and he was hurting enough to finally leave because you are toxic to him.

 

So instead of defending this relationship, really accept you're toxic. Accept that you have issues you need to address, accept that you will lose Andrew and any other guy you attempt to date if you don't seek the help you need.

 

Stop dwelling on the "majority" of the time you were so great, and stop telling us that you're such a nice person who will be happy for other people... everything you posted is completely and utterly irrelevant to this entire situation. It doesn't need to be stated at all.

[KatZee]

OF course the issues continued: I would just.. not try my best in life, frankly. And I am not a women who can be a bad version of herself and be happy. I have higher standards. Yet I lack willpower and tend to be lazy about enacting changes; then I hate the consequences of inaction.

 

NOW you're getting somewhere.

 

The underlying issue is that you're truly NOT happy with your life. You're NOT content. It's good that you're finally stripping away the denial and the facade you have going here on LS. This is what reality is.

 

You're unhappy, you want more, but you lack motivation. Why do you lack motivation?