He left me.

[Leigh 87]

I was very honest in my last post.

 

I think that my issues stemmed from mostly the inaction in my own life; working on all areas of myself, and becoming too dependant on Andrew. I WAS Happy. But I do need to feel more pride in myself as a person.

 

I am not sure what to do now.

 

Andrew wants to come hug me in bed and feel close to me. It is like he knows I need to go and look after myself for a while, yet he cannot leave my side completely.

 

I think that we should stop seeing each other until after I get back from my trip.

 

I will make it clear that I only want him to reach out and ask to meet after the trip, if his feelings for me are still strong, and he cannot let go of me and move on; if he wants another chance.

 

Otherwise, I will make it VERY clear that I do not want contact from him.

 

In the meanwhile... Well, he seems highly averse to no contact vis text.

 

And during my trip he WANTS to VERY BADLY see what I am doing!

Travel is everything to us; we hate the idea of kids, and much rather feel like travelling the world.

 

He cares very much about my trip and he is very, very interested in it. I can;t deprive him out of looking at my facebook pictures of new countries that he has never been to?

 

He wants to be around me. I HAVE told him: well to me Andrew, it is like your saying " I care about you and miss you too much to let you go, yet I am not in love with you enough to want you in every way; a relationship with you"

 

He maintains that: I feel the same way about you. I can see you being better soon, better enough to have a relationship but not better in the sense you need to stop therapy then.

 

I CANNOT let him give in and be weak and have to come hug me again.

 

We did not have sex. He says after the total heartbreak and stress of the break up and my reaction to is, sex is the last thing on his mind.

 

Andrew never could be sexual if there was issues. He only feels sexual when he feels very close to me, he cannot just... get some when he is not feeling totally at ease and happy with the situation.

 

He just wanted to come and hug me all night.

 

.............................

 

 

I NEED to tell him to stop seeing me. He said he would respect my wishes. but he would not accept not texting to see how I was doing.

 

..............................

 

 

He needs to just leave me be and then after my trip, see if he is still in love with me enough to WANT to give things another try. BY going no contact I will be able to move on enough to HAVE a great trip without WORRYING about what Andrew will decide to do.

 

As it stands, we will talk and hug and maybe have sex and act.... act like before, and then I would go on my trip as a women who is NOT single.

 

I need to be single for the trip entirely - I need to talk to other guys who are interested and make new connections, albeit not sexual as I am not ready for that.

 

He cannot hold onto me like this unless he is sure he needs me in his life again once I have improved my life.

[Leigh 87]

NOW you're getting somewhere.

 

The underlying issue is that you're truly NOT happy with your life. You're NOT content. It's good that you're finally stripping away the denial and the facade you have going here on LS. This is what reality is.

 

You're unhappy, you want more, but you lack motivation. Why do you lack motivation?

 

Lets clear up the happy thing: I FEEL joy and happy at being ALIVE.

 

I read a lot of books, Katzee; mostly books on people who overcome HUGE adversities.

 

I am honestly grateful to be alive and well. Really. I wake up every day and look at the sun outside and feel HAPPY. I feel FULL of hope.

 

I do not "feel" sad or.. not happy? I just lack the self pride and happiness that comes from certain other things.

 

Not being happy with some aspects of my life, does not mean that I do not feel happy most of the time.

 

I Just have high standards and know that to be happy WITHIN Myself 100%, that I need to just try harder at life.

 

My laziness stems from childhood and adolescence. I am motivated to change, and I think Andrew leaving has helped me, as I cannot depend on coming home to him at night as a primary sense of joy for me.

 

HE IS NJOT BEING CLEAR about what he wants!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He acts like he is not willing to let me go entirely; yet he does not want me until I work on other areas of my life.

 

He does not think he is stringing me along cos he does not want me with other people. He believes himself when he says that he has not let go of the idea of us being together again entirely.

 

WHAT TO DO.

 

It is HARD to cut contact with a man who wants to still at least text you do badly.

 

He said he would be too devastated himself to go full no contact.

 

I Have stated that we at LEAST cannot SEE each other. Not until I work on myself and he makes up his mind about me.

 

I think I will start with physical no contact, and then work my way to NO phone contact.

[Leigh 87]

I am just not sure that, after everything is said and done; he is willing to let me go for good.

 

I am better off being save rather than sorry, which means: to cut him off and move on, rather than live on the hope that he will want me again when I have improved my life.

 

I am not 100% sure he will be able to just move on from me. I really DO believe in the sort of love where people cannot move on and want another chance.

 

I am happy to keep him on facebook until after the trip. He wouldn't handle it, knowing I was on a trip of a lifetime without showing him the pictures.

 

I don't feel like contacting him though while I am away, unless he sends me a facebook inbox saying he wants me back and is still in love with me.

 

So... I will have to make it very clear that there is to be no contact unless he decides he wants to give it another go; to see if I have changed.

 

I believe in the no contact guide, where you only let them contact you if they want to give things another try.

 

Otherwise, I think that it is best that we do not talk until we are comfortable seeing each other with other people; and seeing our babies made with other people, as the no contact rules stipulate lol.

 

It is a little too hard for him to let go right now. I was very special to him and it is like he cannot handle just.. letting me go.

[KatZee]

So, you're not unhappy, but at the same time you're not happy. You're just "meh." I call this "existing." You're not living, you're just existing.

 

It's good to finally be honest here about what the root of the issues are. If you want Andrew back I think it's best for both to go NC.

 

Do take those steps to get into weekly counseling, push yourself to do one new thing every single day to further your goals. You shouldn't be focused on him at all or whether or not he's too sad to not contact you again.

 

Your focus should be you, and how to motivate yourself, and how to be the best person you can be.

[Queenie42]

Perhaps it's that you are happy in your life, but you're not wholly satisfied with it. That is, you're not depressed but there are aspects which could do with some mega improvement before you can feel content.

 

It seems that he doesn't really understand what he wants at all. He breaks up but still comes around and behaves like a boyfriend. You should either be together or apart, not this weird conglomeration of both.

 

Tell him it's not on. He can't try and push you out of his life and then pull you back in just because he wants a hug. If you play this game it can only end with greater and more prolonged heartbreak. One or the other.

[Leigh 87]

I spoke on the phone to my mum.

 

She knows me better than anyone on here.

 

She honestly thinks it is a case of me: not doing enough in my life, for eg; not eating healthily and looking after myself - and then feeling unhappy about it and taking my frustrations out on Andrew.

 

She doesn't even think I need psychological help; she talks to me daily and thinks I am very self aware.

 

Yes I say things that are not accurate on here that confuse people; to clarify YES some times I got upset about gaining weight one night, then the next night I would still be in a sh*tty mood.

But I did not cause drama EVERY night in the way in which it sounded.

 

We both think I have been scared to death - losing the one you love is akin to someone dying - she thinks I Have been scared off from being angry at Andrew INSTEAD of doing something positive that will help me.

 

It really felt like someone had died.

 

I have had long term partners before, and this is different; I actually am in love with Andrew, where as I wasn't with other people.

 

I don't know. I can believe a bunch of strangers, or believe my mum, who is a smart lady and has talked to me daily for years. And has seen the changes in me.

 

Also - all those around me in real life think I am a very happy and bright person to be around. I think I only got in bad moods around Andrew at times. My issue don't consume me to the point where I am not making new friends and people around me do not like me.

 

She honestly thinks I should give it a week or two to hang out with him, to show him that I have snapped and will no longer be annoyed at him instead of ... going for a run, or... calling up a friend and furthering my connections with people.

 

If he hangs around me once I am just myself, but without taking anything out on him... he will either want me back or not.

 

I don't go until late June.

 

Sorry, but I am confident that I have been scared enough into taking action in my life.

 

If he does not want to be with me in all ways, after seeing me for who I am without taking issues out on him then... so be it.

 

People on here perhaps look into me too much... Being in a bitchy mood because I feel fat and lazy; or because I am mid 20's with no career and still in college: and my disgust at myself for taking it out on Andrew: these things can be fixed if your will is strong enough.

 

I am JUST going to give it a week or two. He will know by then if he likes being around me when I cause no issues.

 

EVEN THEN - if he decides he wants me again in a relationship- I WILL take a step back.

 

I WILL go to therapy, even though mum thinks I am fine and can work on myself alone.

 

I WILL NOT live with him again, not for a long time.

 

I WOULD NOT see him every day. I NEED weeks to myself, only seeing him on the weekend for a day.

 

I WOULD go about another chance with him in a healthier way.

 

I am just giving it 1 - 2 weeks of being around him...

 

If he does not want me even when I do not take any issue out on him, that is a preview of what it would be like after I get the help that I need.

 

NOTE: I do not agree with mum that I need no therapy, but I do not think I am too far gone like the rest of you here.

[Leigh 87]

I know no on here will support what I am doing. I guess I trust my mum that: after a couple of weeks of me taking action to better my life, rather than being in grumpy moods with Andrew in regards to me INACTION..

 

I trust mum when she sais " just go with the flow, if he wants to spend time with you, just show him he has scared you into changing'

 

Andrew should know what it would be like without the issues, if there are none.

 

If he cannot let me go and wants me after that snapshot of what his time with me is like without issues, then we would get back together.

 

Although I realise that I would need ongoing therapy to ensure I have longer lasting strategies to employ that will help me ALWAYS deal with my issues.

 

I do not believe mum entirely when she says I need no therapy: I agree that I do seem to know what I need to work and; I know what I need to do to better myself ( work on career/college/new friends/fit and healthy) yet I lack the will power to do what I need to do to be 100% happy. Yes I feel very happy but I am not 100%.

 

I think I need therapy for sure; I Can get through the two weeks with Andrew with no issues, as it is SHORT TERM.

 

I do not think I am as messed up as people think. I think therapy is essential., but as my mum says: I seem to know what to do, I just need help doing it.

 

Mum does not think I need therapy; she thinks I KNOW what to do, yet I have been too lazy to do it.

 

If he does not want me within a few weeks, a month, before the trip, I will just go no contact cold turkey.

 

I know no one will support this. I guess this thread is done until it is certain that he never wants me again.

[TaraMaiden]

Leigh... shudafuq up about everything you are 'going' to do. (Procrastination really IS your middle name, isn't it - ?!)

 

You procrastinate because you fear failure.

That's why you put stuff off.

if you don't do it - you can't fail.

 

Can you?

 

Well....Do it.

 

I dare you.

 

Quit telling us about how much you're 'going to do it'.

 

Just bloody well do it.

Pull finger out, go No Contact NOW - and get on with it.

 

Reams and reams and reams of I am going to....

And here we are, basically still stuck at page one.

 

Actions, dear heart. Actions speak louder than words.

 

go NC now, get it over with, and start working on you.

 

And frankly?

 

Hate to tell you.

Your mum's wrong - but then of course, she's understandably biased....

 

You desperately need therapy.

And how.

[tbf]

No offense Leigh but while I don't doubt your mother loves you, everyone is a product of their foundational environment. You admit to needing therapy. Might your mother have contributed to why?

[Leigh 87]

We are not sure that we want to let each other go for good. He wants to see if I make any changes, so we can have a good relationship if I developed strategies to deal with issues.

 

I am going no physical contact and then I'll work on cutting that out before my trip.

 

Taking out my bad moods on him something that can be be fixed.

 

He isnt interested in...welcoming the idea of moving on to the stage where we want other people.

 

I think we had something special and had a lot of fun- the only bad parts were caused by m6 bad moods.

 

We don't come across others who make us laugh an make us feel this comfortable and loved.

 

If anything, since there is already no physical contact, I will cut phone contact before the trip- if he isn't desperate to try again.

 

IF he is interested, we would not get into a full on relationship any way. We would see each other way less and not be in contact as much- until I have committed to enough therapy.

[Leigh 87]

So.....after not seeing me for a while and only keeping in contact by phone, if he is desperate to have me and he can see me moving in the right direction: he will make it known that he wants me again.

 

If he is not terribly in need or having me in a R and he is just missing my company rather than having me in every way- I won't bother with any contact.

 

No one here knows is he feels strongly enough about me to harbor hope for us, now that I have told him to stop seeing me. And after I cut off all contact.

 

He could very well be back.

 

If he's not back then I'll know it wasn't meant to be.

[lonewalker]

I didnt read all pages.

But i think if u want to make sure.....

 

Tell him that u r cutting off all ties. U need to heal. If he evers want to contact u is becoz he want to work together with u again for another try at the relationship.

 

Make him known that no contact unless he is sure he wants to try again.

 

This will make sure he only contact u becoz he wants another chance.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sorry about your breakup, Leigh. I agree that No Contact right now is best. No matter what happens in the future, some time to clear your head now will do you good.

[Leigh 87]

Normally I would agree to no contact.

 

He just tells me that he has not changed how he feels about me. Yes he saw two hookers early on, yes he was not perfect, but we were extremely loving and close, we loved having each other as a partner.

 

He wants to be with me to see if I can stop taking my own issues out on him. That he just wants to see what it is like so that he can be with me again.

 

He said he would not hang out with me for : sex ( he refuses to have it when things are broken, we BOTH are the types of people who need to be 100% in a relationship with no drama going on)

 

He said he only wants to hang out to see if I Have been scared into changing my ways, so that he can be with me again. He would not hang with me if he did not want me back.

 

He also knows I need on going help; so I would need to live a more separate life from him if we were to get back together.... He didn't mention this as he has no idea about psychological issues, I am the one who said " hell no, if you want me badly again fine, but I do need a lot of time living alone, and only seeing you once or twice week, so I have a LOT Of time to work on myself"

[Leigh 87]

You don't understand. We wanted to get married and have a life together. We felt that strongly. And neither of us are the types who ever needed to have someone, in a relationship; we ONLY bother when we are VERY compelled by our feelings for the person.

 

I am the second girl he has ever liked, and had a special feeling about; he is the first for me. These feelings do not come around often.

 

At the very least, he still wants another chance with me if I change.

 

As I mentioned: I can very easily not take my bad moods on life, out on him, for a good month or two. Easy. It is MAINTAINING It that regular therapy would help with.

 

YES if after two or so weeks he cannot see himself wanting my badly again IN SPITE of the fact I HAVE changed, albeit for the short term (yet long enough for him to see what life would be like together if I changed for good) THEN I will cut ties.

 

THEN he will come back after no contact, if he cannot shake his feelings and wants to see if I have changed and give it another go.

[TaraMaiden]

This thread is doing my head in....

 

He said he only wants to hang out to see if I Have been scared into changing my ways, so that he can be with me again.

 

Hang on....

Are you telling me that he pretend-dumped you to scare the living schytt out of you in an attempt to make you decide to change??

 

If so.....

 

What a goddamn jerk.

 

That's low.

Sorry, but that's manipulative.

 

Even more reason (IMHO) to go NC.

 

Nobody messes with my emotions like that and merits my respect....

[crederer]

Two things to say.

 

First, your mother doesn't think you need therapy because that would mean to her that she failed as a mother and she can't face that. I'm not saying she DID fail as a mother, I'm saying that's why she doesn't want you to get therapy. I've seen this several times. Some mother's take that very personally. Maybe if she saw some of these posts you've made, she might change her mind.

 

Just the fact that you have had an eating disorder is reason enough to seek therapy.

 

Simply judging by your responses and how you're all over the place leads me to believe there is something going on emotionally that isn't quite right. I don't mean to be offensive, I am just giving it to you straight.

 

Second. Stop saying people don't understand and that your relationship was different. Most people on here have been in your exact shoes, we all felt the same and completely understand. You're not the first person to have been in what seemed to be a wonderful relationship and lost it.

 

I sincerely hope you the best. Keep your head up.

Edited May 11, 2013 by crederer
more info

[Leigh 87]

Your so right Tara Maiden.

 

 

I have gone through the worst. He broke my heart.

 

I feel like moving on. I have been in contact with friends that I have known my entire life. 8 just saw my family- first cousins, for the first time in 15 years. I get along so well with 1 9f them

 

I have my trip to Scandinavia and Russia soon.

 

I feel ready to start moving on.

 

I can see myself being ok ish once I get accustomed to sleeping alone. And living without him.

 

 

I am not even sure how I will react if he comes back after no contact and wants me back badly.

 

 

I am

[Leigh 87]

I'm ready for no contact. I actually want to figure out if I am better off moving on to someone else one day, opposed to just assuming that he is the one for me.

 

A friend who has seen us both together thinks he will come crawling back.

 

The thing about no contact is..... I will not count on it.

 

I needed this relationship to learn more about myself. This has been my second long term relationship- from age 18 to 20 and for 2.5 years with Andrew.

 

I definitely know more about what I need in a R. I want many traits that Andrew exhibits: yet there are a couple of things that I didn't like about him.

 

We had dogs together- 2 are his, 2 are mine. Although I loved his like my own. I cuddled them in bed every night.

 

One of his dogs has had puppies. They are adorable. Leaving behind 4 dogs I have spent every day with for 2 years.........just wow.

 

I have a dog free flat you see. Although I will sneek mine in when dad goes back overseas. Look at my avatar- that is my cute long haired Chiwawa.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This sounds like an extremely dysfunctional situation :/

 

It is very hard to let a 3 year long relationship go (for him too) and he is likely feeling the shock of being single and doubting the decision. Of course you have build the closeness that will take ages with someone else to build. However, that doesn't mean that he is deeply in love with you, or that he is the "one" or that you are meant to be. People find it hard to quit anything cold turkey. Like quitting smoking will feel horrible at first, but does that mean that smoking is good for you?

 

There is likely to be a lot of back and forth here which one day you will look back at as wasted time and emotion.

 

Your mum is also wrong, you do need therapy and badly. My own mum keeps pushing me into getting therapy for my own issues. She is a big reason of why I even started considering it.

[TaraMaiden]

(No way is that a chihuahua in your avatar.... it may be a chihuahua cross... but no way.....Why am I even bothering.....?

 

You don't listen to the most common-sense advice given to you, why would you care what breed the damn dog is - ?!)

 

Leigh:

 

Go Complete across-the-board NO CONTACT - Right NOW.

[Leigh 87]

He has agreed to no contact. It is for the best.

 

I can tell he won't be back either.

 

I think he was deeply in love with me at one stage. Maybe it is still there somewhere. Who knows.

 

All I do know is: we are no contact and he is not going to come crawling back.

 

Losing the company of 4 little dogs is almost just as hard, frankly.

 

I Can feel he is gone. I can feel it.

 

I know he does not want me in every way anymore. If he does, he hides it well.

 

I have a job now and a lot of strange things have happened out of the blue, since he left me:

 

- my family came to visit from overseas

 

- family friends who have known me since I was a baby have been in contact with me, offering words of advice to help me out regarding Andrew

 

- My good friends dad just died tonight. He wants to come over to see me tomorrow. We will cry a sh*t load together. About everything:(

 

- I never normally see my family, but they are all together. I am attending my family BBQ tomorrow.

 

 

 

....I get he same vibes I got, as I did when Andrew and I fist spoke online: weird vibes that this is the RIGHT thing. It was RIGHT for him to leave me.

 

 

.................. ANd honestly?

 

 

Andrews loved me a HELL Of a lot - it is not an easy type of love to find with any girl he meets,

 

HOWEVER.

.......................................

 

 

I DO believe there is a slightly stronger love out there for me.

 

.........................................

 

 

That IS NOT to say that he did not love me like crazy; but I know I will meet a man who is more deeply IN love with me than he was.

 

........................................

 

I was not just some girl that was in his life, in a half baked relationship frm his end; he planned his life and days around me, what I was doing; we had a proper life together. I was the person he cares about most.

 

...............

 

 

He loves me A LOT - but not enough.

 

 

.......................

 

Good bye Andrew.

 

..............................

 

I will never forget our time together, it was the best two and a half years of my life.

 

...............................

 

 

Cheers to better times ahead.....

 

..........................

 

 

Goodbye goodbye goodbye.

[Leigh 87]

I don't wake up with so much dread that it feels like I have woken up - yet am still in a nightmare.

 

I no longer have that... heavy feeling of despair.

 

TARA MAIDEN - how can you be so mean about my dog!!

 

I am LOSING MY DOGS. TWO small dogs! One of which is messed up, and ONLY likes me! HE does not LIKE anyone else. Really. Whenever I come he literally follows my every move.

 

When I went to get my stuff a few days ago, he had not seen me for a couple of days, and you could TELL one of the dogs was... you know. Happy to see me, but saying " WHERE DID YOU GO!!!!!!!!!!! Don't do THAT again!"

 

Andrew's two dogs became like my dogs - I loved them like my own.

 

AND one of them has had adorable puppies.

 

PUPPIES lol!

 

So yeah.... LEaving 4 small dogs behind that I so love, as well as PUPPIES, is the worst you can get, in terms of the emotional ties you need to severe.

 

..........................................

 

Ironic: he leaves me, and now I lose weight ( I cannot eat much, and I know I will never comfort eat and over eat again. I have lost... the drive to use food for pleasure when I am bored. The break up just did that to me)

 

I also got a job 2 min walk from where I live. At an Indian Restaurant.

 

So yeah. He was like " wow Leigh. I am truly happy that things are looking up for you"

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not being mean about your dog....

(Actually, I was being a bit mean about you.... )

 

I just can't see 'chihuahua' there.... it just looks too big.... it looks more like a cocker spaniel......)

 

And actually, I'm more sad about you losing the dogs than I am about you losing Andrew.

[Leigh 87]

Yeah. It is very small, it just looked big in that picture perhaps?

 

Apparently it was a long haired chi.......whatsy.

 

I am clearly not a dog expert lol. I just went with the fact that it has chwawa eyes, you know, the huge eyes and face shape. And is small.

 

He is very adorable, and I am thinking of taking him back to my flat to live, once my parents go back overseas. To arrange a time via text that says " Andrew, it is Leigh. I want to come and get ____My dog_ to come and live with me at my flat, now that my parents have gone. Can you please arrange a time when your not at home for me to come and get him"

 

This will not be until late August, which by that time, I would have hooked up with another guy by this stage. And likewise for him with a girl.

 

...............................

 

 

And a good friend said the same thing - that she is relieved Andrew is gone, as she thinks I deserve better.

 

It is not that she thinks he never loved me that much - she just thinks he was not fully clued in on how to go about.. having a girlfriend at times.