I gave him until July 2nd... 9days post DDAY

[Its_MEE]

Hi everyone,

I haven't been on here for a few days. I had a little meltdown on Friday and thought I needed too balance my emotions a bit before coming back... I'm back. . Recap: my weekend was actually ok. There wasn't a second I didn't think I him, but family and friends kept me busy. I dyed my hair!

 

If you didn't read any of my last thread here is a summary.. Im 26, It was a one year A. Love like NOTHING we've felt. DDAY was last Saturday when his wife was informed by someone about me and she's been putting the puzzle together ever since. She's left the house. She wants to come back... Putting the ball in his court saying, " If i come back you're coming here and packing/ loading my things". He hasn't.... He's asked for us to back away until things are sorted. Pls read the last thread if you'd like more detail as it is pretty deep...

 

To the topic... Today I told him that time will be given... Agreeing to minimal contact (NC is impossible as we work together and have to talk throughout the day, plus.... The love part). I told him... JULY2nd... THAT will be the day that I begin my healing and give him up completely... Why you may ask?? Because I cannot let go just yet.... There's an indescribable feeling between us that cannot be ignored. He's a coward, therefore, overnight solutions are unreasonable... We've hadNC outside of work since last Wednesday. I went through the whole "he's forgotten about me at home and is just begging her to come back" but I truly don't believe that is the case... Maybe... But Idunno... He says he doesn't want me to sit here and just worry all day about the situation and THAT'S why he's asked for this separation. I on the other hand , am pathetic, and tell him that I will weather the storm as long as we're together... July 2nd has given me the calm the I've been seeking since last week.. Because I KNOW that if nothing is progressed by then, IM FINISHED... We kissed today... A lot... Which set me back 10x. But it was out of control... I want to talk to her... Need to talk to her.. but why? Do I actually want to apologize? Or is it because I want her to know that the love they had is gone and that he is now in love with me? Which she knows... But she doesn't care.. She needs to make it work. What to do what o do... Please... I know some of you may think he's feeding me BS.. He might be... But I don't think so... This man is conflicted.. Truly.. He's not all bad. This is an f'ed up situation.. He's been caught and he wants a happy ending for us but he doesn't know how to get there now... He wants his children to not hate me and to not see me as the woman that's stolen my dd.. He's messed up. Too late for "I should'ves" so what now...after all weekend with nc, I saw how happy he was to see me... But why didn't you check on me? He's trying to see if he's able to yank me out of the deepest part of his heart... And I don't want to let him... I feel like if I truly back away all the way... He'll forget about that fire in his heart for me.. And he won't fight it anymore. Ugh.

[2sure]

I'm assuming she is going to move back in soon. Will that negate the end date of July 2?

 

Or, if she moves back will it be just to negotiate the divorce ? Will you still be expected to hide the affair? after July 2?

 

If the divorce takes the usual year will you be ok with him continuing to live with his wife while hiding the affair after July 2?

 

I'm asking because you didn't really say what should happen by July 2 for you to end the affair?

[Mount]

I hate to say that part, following bolded - you are speaking for him, you don't know how he feel about you. He or every single person will do only he/she wants to do, no one else in the world would make it happen beside the person him/herself.

 

Hi everyone,

I haven't been on here for a few days. I had a little meltdown on Friday and thought I needed too balance my emotions a bit before coming back... I'm back. . Recap: my weekend was actually ok. There wasn't a second I didn't think I him, but family and friends kept me busy. I dyed my hair!

 

If you didn't read any of my last thread here is a summary.. Im 26, It was a one year A. Love like NOTHING we've felt. DDAY was last Saturday when his wife was informed by someone about me and she's been putting the puzzle together ever since. She's left the house. She wants to come back... Putting the ball in his court saying, " If i come back you're coming here and packing/ loading my things". He hasn't.... He's asked for us to back away until things are sorted. Pls read the last thread if you'd like more detail as it is pretty deep...

 

To the topic... Today I told him that time will be given... Agreeing to minimal contact (NC is impossible as we work together and have to talk throughout the day, plus.... The love part). I told him... JULY2nd... THAT will be the day that I begin my healing and give him up completely... Why you may ask?? Because I cannot let go just yet.... There's an indescribable feeling between us that cannot be ignored. He's a coward, therefore, overnight solutions are unreasonable... We've hadNC outside of work since last Wednesday. I went through the whole "he's forgotten about me at home and is just begging her to come back" but I truly don't believe that is the case... Maybe... But Idunno... He says he doesn't want me to sit here and just worry all day about the situation and THAT'S why he's asked for this separation. I on the other hand , am pathetic, and tell him that I will weather the storm as long as we're together... July 2nd has given me the calm the I've been seeking since last week.. Because I KNOW that if nothing is progressed by then, IM FINISHED... We kissed today... A lot... Which set me back 10x. But it was out of control... I want to talk to her... Need to talk to her.. but why? Do I actually want to apologize? Or is it because I want her to know that the love they had is gone and that he is now in love with me? Which she knows... But she doesn't care.. She needs to make it work. What to do what o do... Please... I know some of you may think he's feeding me BS.. He might be... But I don't think so... This man is conflicted.. Truly.. He's not all bad. This is an f'ed up situation.. He's been caught and he wants a happy ending for us but he doesn't know how to get there now... He wants his children to not hate me and to not see me as the woman that's stolen my dd.. He's messed up. Too late for "I should'ves" so what now...after all weekend with nc, I saw how happy he was to see me... But why didn't you check on me? He's trying to see if he's able to yank me out of the deepest part of his heart... And I don't want to let him... I feel like if I truly back away all the way... He'll forget about that fire in his heart for me.. And he won't fight it anymore. Ugh.

[Its_MEE]

Thank you Pierre... Good to see you're still willing I help me out... From what you've written to me, you understand the madness that I'm feeling inside. Thank you for all of your understanding...

In regards to your post.... Nothing can come up... I truly won't allow it... But what do you mean by according I schedule?

[youngnlove89]

If you didn't read any of my last thread here is a summary.. Im 26, It was a one year A. Love like NOTHING we've felt. DDAY was last Saturday when his wife was informed by someone about me and she's been putting the puzzle together ever since. She's left the house. She wants to come back... Putting the ball in his court saying, " If i come back you're coming here and packing/ loading my things". He hasn't.... He's asked for us to back away until things are sorted. Pls read the last thread if you'd like more detail as it is pretty deep...

 

To the topic... Today I told him that time will be given... Agreeing to minimal contact (NC is impossible as we work together and have to talk throughout the day, plus.... The love part). I told him... JULY2nd... THAT will be the day that I begin my healing and give him up completely... Why you may ask?? Because I cannot let go just yet.... There's an indescribable feeling between us that cannot be ignored. He's a coward, therefore, overnight solutions are unreasonable... We've hadNC outside of work since last Wednesday. I went through the whole "he's forgotten about me at home and is just begging her to come back" but I truly don't believe that is the case... Maybe... But Idunno... He says he doesn't want me to sit here and just worry all day about the situation and THAT'S why he's asked for this separation. I on the other hand , am pathetic, and tell him that I will weather the storm as long as we're together... July 2nd has given me the calm the I've been seeking since last week.. Because I KNOW that if nothing is progressed by then, IM FINISHED... We kissed today... A lot... Which set me back 10x. But it was out of control... I want to talk to her... Need to talk to her.. but why? Do I actually want to apologize? Or is it because I want her to know that the love they had is gone and that he is now in love with me? Which she knows... But she doesn't care.. She needs to make it work. What to do what o do... Please... I know some of you may think he's feeding me BS.. He might be... But I don't think so... This man is conflicted.. Truly.. He's not all bad. This is an f'ed up situation.. He's been caught and he wants a happy ending for us but he doesn't know how to get there now... He wants his children to not hate me and to not see me as the woman that's stolen my dd.. He's messed up. Too late for "I should'ves" so what now...after all weekend with nc, I saw how happy he was to see me... But why didn't you check on me? He's trying to see if he's able to yank me out of the deepest part of his heart... And I don't want to let him... I feel like if I truly back away all the way... He'll forget about that fire in his heart for me.. And he won't fight it anymore. Ugh.

 

 

Love, move on. Let this guy go.

 

In life there are times that will be damn hard, things we swear we will never get through, things that hurt to let go of, choices that are too painful to make, thoughts that haunt us, figurative little devil's that sit on our chests late at night, bone chilling, nail biting, cruel, life sucking, soul spitting moments that make us wish we could black out and forget the world and sink in the deepest hole man can make...

 

BUT in the end, by doing so, by letting go of this pain...we are letting something else better in...strength, courage, pride, determination and one day love again...

[Its_MEE]

 

I'm assuming she is going to move back in soon. Will that negate the end date of July 2?

 

i don't know... But honestly... no... I don't think so

 

Or, if she moves back will it be just to negotiate the divorce ? Will you still be expected to hide the affair? after July 2?

 

im taking that IF she moves back.. they will negotiate what the next move is... separtion, or not.. she has no place to live. Staying at her sisters... No money to get a place so i know he's stressed about that also since there's a baby involved.. after July 2nd... There will be NO affair..

 

If the divorce takes the usual year will you be ok with him continuing to live with his wife while hiding the affair after July 2?

 

If a divorce is what they are headed for... And he proves that.. I will continue seeing him. I don't know about them living together during the process but if they truly are separating......... Idunno skipping this for right now

 

I'm asking because you didn't really say what should happen by July 2 for you to end the affair?

 

On July 2nd, I need to know... What is happening... Yes, no... Us, them... Something... I need proof of a separation process...

 

 

I know I sound insane 2sure... I'm not... I know you read my last thread.. This ish is nuts. I know you believe that I'm just further harming myself or prolonging the inevitable... Maybe... But I need to be sure.

[Its_MEE]

Love, move on. Let this guy go.

 

In life there are times that will be damn hard, things we swear we will never get through, things that hurt to let go of, choices that are too painful to make, thoughts that haunt us, figurative little devil's that sit on our chests late at night, bone chilling, nail biting, cruel, life sucking, soul spitting moments that make us wish we could black out and forget the world and sink in the deepest hole man can make...

 

BUT in the end, by doing so, by letting go of this pain...we are letting something else better in...strength, courage, pride, determination and one day love again...

 

First I'd like to apologize for acting so offended at what you said last week... Although pretty harsh... I know you were trying to snap me into it... I don't think I'll snap into it for a little while... Everything you said is completely in point... I know that I SHOULD let go an just face it... I'm so scared though... Soooooo scared... I will... I know I will move on... I'm strong... Thank you.

[youngnlove89]

First I'd like to apologize for acting so offended at what you said last week... Although pretty harsh... I know you were trying to snap me into it... I don't think I'll snap into it for a little while... Everything you said is completely in point... I know that I SHOULD let go an just face it... I'm so scared though... Soooooo scared... I will... I know I will move on... I'm strong... Thank you.

 

Don't apologize, I was harsh, but I did it because it hurts me to see people like this. When the reality is so obvious. Point blank in your face and you can't see it! Everyone tries to show you, but you just can't see the train coming right towards you...

 

I'm one to talk...I'm in denial in my own situation. Nobody can tell me what is wrong or right. He loves me even if everyone says he doesn't. I give every excuse, sugar coat every lie, float in clouds and wear rose colored glasses. Mirror mirror on the wall...who's the biggest fool of them all...

 

So I know how you feel...I know your pain...and sometimes we just have to learn on our own, the hard way. Because only then will we find peace in the end...without wondering, "what if.."

[Quiet Storm]

Just try to mentally prepare yourself for the possibility that he decides to stay married.

 

Marriages ebb and flow. Many couples fall in and out of love with each other over the course of a marriage.

 

There is a saying that the dog you feed more is the one that gets bigger. Right now he is putting his energy into his affair, but that could change. Since his wife wants to stay married, she will be focused on saving it.

 

Like Pierre says, its all about the affair bubble.

 

You said yourself he is a coward, so just prepare emotionally for the worst. Be smart, don't let your emotions rule you.

[Its_MEE]

You are really reaching and grasping at straws. You really believe that the BW wants to go home but she's refusing to do so until MM comes to pack her suitcase for her? LOL...I'm sure he sounded believable when he said that but now that you see it in writing here can you see how stupid that sounds? She has not come home yet because he hasn't proven to her that he is remorseful and worthy of a another chance. He is trying to convince her to come home (if he didn't want to stay married to her, then he would just say so or at least he would come right and tell her that's he's NEVER going to come pack her suitcase for her and then she will never come home...rothflmao) but he doesn't know what she is going to do. So it's perfectly fine with him if you want to humilate yourself by waiting for his wife to make the choice for him. He's just happy knowing that if worse comes to worse and his wife actually leaves him he will have you there waiting on him with open arms. How nice of you to offer to be his back up plan. Of course he took you up on that.

 

Seriously. His wife has just been devastated. The man she loved, trusted and believed in has just destroyed all of her faith and trust in him. Do you honestly believe that the only demands she's making right now as part of her return is that he come pack her clothes up and give her a ride? Seriously??

 

 

I know it sound absurd... But yes... If he showed up.. Said.. C'mon I'm packing your things you're coming home... She would... He is the puppeteer in this show.. I am fully aware of that... She has been truly devastated.. But.. She will do everything in her power to save it.. I do sound absolutely stupid.. I am sure there are things that he isn't telling me.. But.. The things I posted... We're all true.. I know.. He's admitted that he lives me, that it got physical and more.. And she still wants to fix it... Love is blind for all involved... I do sound pathetic and sound like I'm willing to be his back up.. But... I'm not... It's about more than love... Love Is a small pebble if the equation and all things are being taken into consideration.. Odds are against me.. I know.. But I can't just flat out give up... This is too strong for that just yet.

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to totally leave him alone and go FULL ON NO CONTACT until August 31st.

 

End your A, end all contact. Tell him you will only speak to him ON August 31st and reassess what is going on, what has happened and where things are gonna go.

 

This way, you grieve, you grieve some more and then you pick yourself up and do your best to enjoy your summer with good friends and family. PUT HIM out of your head.

 

You CANNOT and should not compete with his children. IF he is staying because of them (if he has told you this or gonna tell you this) then he has every right to. Don't try to fight for him, let him go.

 

IF his marriage falls apart, and he divorces, then DO date him properly. But until then, back off and focus on you and your life.

[Its_MEE]

Just try to mentally prepare yourself for the possibility that he decides to stay married.

 

Marriages ebb and flow. Many couples fall in and out of love with each other over the course of a marriage.

 

There is a saying that the dog you feed more is the one that gets bigger. Right now he is putting his energy into his affair, but that could change. Since his wife wants to stay married, she will be focused on saving it.

 

Like Pierre says, its all about the affair bubble.

 

You said yourself he is a coward, so just prepare emotionally for the worst. Be smart, don't let your emotions rule you.

 

I am trying so hard to not let my heart dictate my sanity.. I am.. I'm doing ok.. I haven't cried in two days. She is very focused on saving it.. And this I about to sound disgusting... But I'm focused on the opposite.. That is me being completely honest... I have never been married.. Therefore the dynamics of their marriage is unfamiliar to me.. But I know him.. Some may say there is absolutely no way you know him more than her.. That is true.. But I know things about him that she doesn't.. He has been shut down in that marriage for years before I came in.. He doesn't communicate at home.. That's where I came in.

 

I am preparing myself... Trying to at least..

[Its_MEE]

I think you need to totally leave him alone and go FULL ON NO CONTACT until August 31st.

 

End your A, end all contact. Tell him you will only speak to him ON August 31st and reassess what is going on, what has happened and where things are gonna go.

 

This way, you grieve, you grieve some more and then you pick yourself up and do your best to enjoy your summer with good friends and family. PUT HIM out of your head.

 

You CANNOT and should not compete with his children. IF he is staying because of them (if he has told you this or gonna tell you this) then he has every right to. Don't try to fight for him, let him go.

 

IF his marriage falls apart, and he divorces, then DO date him properly. But until then, back off and focus on you and your life.

 

Full on no contact until 8/31? I can't.. We work together.. See each other m-f... Everyday. But you are right... I sound like I am competing with his children.. Something I swear I do not want.. At all..

[Its_MEE]

Also, we have met for lunch EVERYDAY (m-f) since we met.. Even after DDAY. I think I will tell him that those will end.... Completely until my July 2nd request. I feel terrible for putting a time stamp on it. But it is the only way for me to get by day by day without some serious depression... When that day comes... Good or bad... It's it...

[truthbetold]

I am trying so hard to not let my heart dictate my sanity.. I am.. I'm doing ok.. I haven't cried in two days. She is very focused on saving it.. And this I about to sound disgusting... But I'm focused on the opposite.. That is me being completely honest... I have never been married.. Therefore the dynamics of their marriage is unfamiliar to me.. But I know him.. Some may say there is absolutely no way you know him more than her.. That is true.. But I know things about him that she doesn't.. He has been shut down in that marriage for years before I came in.. He doesn't communicate at home.. That's where I came in.

 

I am preparing myself... Trying to at least..

 

Since you encouraged reading on your other thread, the above sentence cannot be true if they have an 8 month old. What seems more the likely scenario is that he couldn't handle being on the back burner while she was pregnant and filled that void with you.

 

It doesn't make any sense whatsoever that she wants to come home, but he's not sure, but he can't know what to tell you yet:rolleyes:

 

It's pretty obvious you're allowing your emotions totally cloud rational judgement and as others have said, looks like you'll have to learn that the hard way.

[ComingInHot]

It's MEE,

You say their M has been "dead" for years right?

How in the world to they have a Baby?

Did they adopt?

Cause if they conceived the good ole fashion way then something must still be Alive...

Just think about it a minute*

[Praying4Peace]

He's trying to see if he's able to yank me out of the deepest part of his heart... And I don't want to let him... I feel like if I truly back away all the way... He'll forget about that fire in his heart for me.. And he won't fight it anymore. Ugh.

 

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.- Francois De La Rochefoucauld

 

In this case- I'm so sorry but she's going to get first 'dibs' on whether she can win his heart over with no one else in the picture.

 

You told him July 2nd? Well he's not going to think about what to do with you until July 1st.

 

I'm sorry but you need to just walk away if you want him to retain any fond feelings for you OR keep your dignity. You think he doesn't know that you are freaking out that she's trying to come back home??? You think he doesn't realize that you are trying to make HIS decision for him???

 

Yes it will hurt like HELL and then some but there's nothing you can do. Please, please take back this crazy date ultimatum and tell him to come and find you if he is ever single- and then go NC.

 

Lets put it another way- lets say you and your MM and his W were all the cast of one of those Lifetime movies LOL... Who would the audience be rooting for here? I know that sounds like I'm making a joke out of it but honestly- he can't juggle you both forever and one of you is going to have to go soon. It's just too stressful and he'll see soon how you are trying to manipulate your way into his heart. You should tell him to bring his W home and see if he can fix his M and be happy.

[BrokenPrincess]

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.- Francois De La Rochefoucauld

 

Perfect quote

[Its_MEE]

How are you?? I know you are trying to back away from LS... I'm glad you're on here and I'd love to hear your input on this... I know I sound delusional.. Ughhh

[whichwayisup]

Full on no contact until 8/31? I can't.. We work together.. See each other m-f... Everyday. But you are right... I sound like I am competing with his children.. Something I swear I do not want.. At all..

 

Also, don't compete with his wife with the 'who knows him better' game. She will win hands down because they've built a life together, have children, and have families, friends entwined. They have a history (outside of the bedroom too) so the glue that holds them together is strong.. Even though he's been having an A with you, don't forget that glue that they share. She has every right to fight for her marriage. You DO need to be prepared that he may very well choose her, their marriage and life together over what he shared with you. Yes, he may love you - A lot, but it may not be enough for him to want to divorce and start over with you.

 

Affairs are complicated, messy and everybody gets hurt when they are exposed.

 

I just hope you do can continue to do your job and keep it professional with him. If you can't handle it, then ask for a transfer or start looking for another job.

[whichwayisup]

Also if I were you, I would not call her and apologize, it would be completely insincere at this point.

 

LG is right. You're not apologizing because you realized you made a mistake by having an A with her husband. It's a lie because you want him for yourself and are hoping for a future, so saying sorry to her is under false pretenses.

[meat department]

Seriously? This is for real. I understand loving someone, etc but this guy is a loser. You deserve better. Just drop him. There are lots of single guys out there who will love you and if you can't find one then so what. Life is way too short for this much drama over someone who is married. His actions are what matters, words are meaningless. If you decide to stick around you will be a side piece and there are rules to being one. I don't get all the drama either walk away or accept your role as the side piece. Sorry if this is harsh but I am speaking the truth as I see it.

I have my own MM situation that gets weirder by the day but I understand the players and the game.

[whichwayisup]

Also, we have met for lunch EVERYDAY (m-f) since we met.. Even after DDAY. I think I will tell him that those will end.... Completely until my July 2nd request. I feel terrible for putting a time stamp on it. But it is the only way for me to get by day by day without some serious depression... When that day comes... Good or bad... It's it...

 

Yes this has to stop. No more lunches, talks or coffee's together. Keep it professional and do your job, only speak to him about work related issues. Ask to him please respect YOUR boundries and remind him it is best under the circumstances that you two stay away from each other.

[ThatJustHappened]

Did I miss something? Does July 2nd have some sort of important meaning to you or is it completely arbitrary? Why not tell him to make a decision by the end of the week?

[2sunny]

I know it sound absurd... But yes... If he showed up.. Said.. C'mon I'm packing your things you're coming home... She would... He is the puppeteer in this show.. I am fully aware of that... She has been truly devastated.. But.. She will do everything in her power to save it.. I do sound absolutely stupid.. I am sure there are things that he isn't telling me.. But.. The things I posted... We're all true.. I know.. He's admitted that he lives me, that it got physical and more.. And she still wants to fix it... Love is blind for all involved... I do sound pathetic and sound like I'm willing to be his back up.. But... I'm not... It's about more than love... Love Is a small pebble if the equation and all things are being taken into consideration.. Odds are against me.. I know.. But I can't just flat out give up... This is too strong for that just yet.

 

You've handed him way too much of your power.

 

 

Yes, call and talk to his wife! She's got her plan too - you may as well be in on her plan - because you made yourself a part of this triangle - and now have a chance to remove YOURSELF from the equation, yet you haven't done that.

 

This jerk has two women begging for him and waiting around for his decision...the fact that you're still willing to settle for such a low life means you need serious help to find out why you don't expect better for yourself.

 

No one can help you when you don't help yourself! At this point you and your decisions are what's working against your best interest.

 

He's a dirtbag - why you would want him is just gross.