I gave him until July 2nd... 9days post DDAY

[So happy together]

Who do they deserve then?

 

I guess they deserve to go back to a marriage that made them unhappy to begin with, with a wife who can't satisfy them.

[GorillaTheater]

I guess they deserve to go back to a marriage that made them unhappy to begin with, with a wife who can't satisfy them.

 

Bummer for the wife.

[DelusionalOne]

I'm drowning here. Holy s**t

 

MEE... Do what I did when I first found this board and was struggling ... It sounds odd but it worked for me because I got (and still get) great support from this board.

 

Picture those of us out her who give you support as standing right behind you right now. We are all standing behind you telling you that you can do this, you can be strong and we are helping you stay NC.

 

Again, odd but it worked for me.

[Journee]

I guess they deserve to go back to a marriage that made them unhappy to begin with, with a wife who can't satisfy them.

 

So that's all a person needs to do? "Satisfy" their partner's needs 24/7. Never slip up or get too comfortable or else. Sounds like fun. Trying to be responsible for another person's actions. Head it off at the pass.

 

Give me a break.

 

 

 

MEE, I know my kind is not welcome here. Posters who were given tons of support and compassion from BS's spent the morning trashing BS's in another thread. I hope you know that I will continue to think of you and if you ever want to PM me , you are welcome to. Believe it or not I am also a woman. Not defined by a couple of letters. I'm done posting in this forum. You actually helped me yesterday in reading your thread. I dealt with some hurt I thought I let go of. Thank you.

 

 

Keep your head up girl. You will find reserves of strength you never imagined existed within you.

[ThatJustHappened]

I guess they deserve to go back to a marriage that made them unhappy to begin with, with a wife who can't satisfy them.

 

Actually I think you'll find that many cheaters are perfectly happy in their marriages. So happy, in fact, that they crave more and more happiness, and they look to other people to feed the addiction. Like a crack addict who needs to keep upping the amount of crack he ingests because he begins to become immune to the original dosage.

 

I know you like to think you're better than all of the BSs here because you successfully landed your cheater, but you'll understand when it happens to you.

[ComingInHot]

Originally Posted by Paperangel Who do they deserve then?

 

Sohappy responded, "I guess they deserve to go back to a marriage that made them unhappy to begin with, with a wife who can't satisfy them."

 

 

PAPERANGEL, I try to always have the backs of fellow BW's but baby, you jumped feet first into so happy's response...

howeeeeeeeverrr, I do read often when the WS decides on R w/BS, the "let go" of the AP, now exAP tends to jump on such phrases so happy used above. (So happy, I acknowledge you are now so happily out in the open w/your soon to be legitimate dbf. Just using your line as example okay )**

 

Pretty sure when a Time lines are set, then reached then nothing happens that can feel horrible.

Pretty sure that when the same stitch is set reached and WS follows through, it's just as suck and probably still for ALL parties even though the OW/OM got what they wanted.

 

I believe those that feel nothing or that whole shallow, "oh I am so sorry you lost your H to me. It must be so bad for you but I'm sure we'll all end up good friends" BS, really have No soul at all.

 

Honestly I've probably only read that from two or three OW/OM. Everyone else as an AP has shown way more genuine sorrow for not only the betrayed but for seeing how directly their choices are impacting so many people. Those do everything they can, even if staying quietly invisible at certain functions out of respect while these betrayed people try to find their way.

 

Note: not defending anyone, just making an observation about time-lines...

 

Actually already doubting my entire post... maybe I'm pissy today?

[georgia girl]

CIH,

 

In my book, you're always okay. You don't try to manipulate things but I think there are posts on here that trigger all of us.

 

My response to who deserves these men? Someone just like themselves. Someone who will capriciously hurt those they love because they cannot or will not make a decision and conduct themselves in a way to reduce harm to everyone. That's not to say that one needs to stay or leave, but that these men instead need to own up to the mess they've created by conducting two relationships at a time. They need to be honest, fair and make decisions. If they can, then yes, they deserve someone who can do the same. But if they will repeatedly lie and hurt all fo the people in their lives because they want both things or cannot choose between both relationships, then they don't deserve anyone. I'm sorry, but I just don't see where any person should get an unfettered license to hurt other people by focusing solely on their own wants, needs and desires.

 

So for everyone, you deserve more. That's it. And CIH, I think you're one of the nicest ladies on here, so no worries!

[So happy together]

Actually I think you'll find that many cheaters are perfectly happy in their marriages. So happy, in fact, that they crave more and more happiness, and they look to other people to feed the addiction. Like a crack addict who needs to keep upping the amount of crack he ingests because he begins to become immune to the original dosage.

 

I know you like to think you're better than all of the BSs here because you successfully landed your cheater, but you'll understand when it happens to you.

 

While I understand that you wish this were true, it isn't. So sorry to disappoint. There are all kinds of relationships. Not all are serial cheaters, or love junkies.

 

And I don't think I am even slightly better than ANYONE. I am simply someone who had it work out. I just mention it often because some Bs's like to believe it never happens. That when it does happen, 'once a cheater always a cheater', unless of course he comes back to the wife, then he's 'reformed'. Psht. Give me a break.

[krazikat]

While I understand that you wish this were true, it isn't. So sorry to disappoint. There are all kinds of relationships. Not all are serial cheaters, or love junkies.

 

And I don't think I am even slightly better than ANYONE. I am simply someone who had it work out. I just mention it often because some Bs's like to believe it never happens. That when it does happen, 'once a cheater always a cheater', unless of course he comes back to the wife, then he's 'reformed'. Psht. Give me a break.

 

I like that you said "some bs" because from what I have read, there is not a standard of ws being reformed because he stayed with his wife, but that the marriage was more important then the relationship with ap. There is also the realization the A could go underground, fears of false recoveries, fear of another A. No, its not all roses in bs land, many bs are quite aware of the unfortunate reality they are facing that they did not choose to be part of...

 

Also, some bs have the same thought of once a cheater always a cheater, some have called others rugsweepers, etc.

[Quiet Storm]

While I understand that you wish this were true, it isn't. So sorry to disappoint. There are all kinds of relationships. Not all are serial cheaters, or love junkies.

 

And I don't think I am even slightly better than ANYONE. I am simply someone who had it work out. I just mention it often because some Bs's like to believe it never happens. That when it does happen, 'once a cheater always a cheater', unless of course he comes back to the wife, then he's 'reformed'. Psht. Give me a break.

 

I understand that you want to mention it often to prove to BS and show OW that A's can have happy endings. You're happy in your relationship and like sharing. I understand that. However, I honestly believe that you are putting the cart before the horse. To say that yours "worked out" seems premature to me. But, that's only my personal opinion. There have been OW stories where MM leaves wife for years and goes back home. And there have been stories where MM leaves for OW but cheats on her. And stories where MM divorces but finds someone new. And stories where MM ends up being a seriously messed up individual that OW dumps. And also stories where MM & OW end up happy together, although those seem much further and far between. I agree that you should share your happiness with other OW, and that you post based on your personal experience. Your story is a valuable one, but understand that to some, your confidence may be seen by some as bragging, and by others as naivety.

[ComingInHot]

Quiet Storm wrote, "Your story is a valuable one, but understand that to some, your confidence may be seen by some as bragging, and by others as naivety."

 

QS, BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN!! **clapping loudly in background**

[ThatJustHappened]

While I understand that you wish this were true, it isn't. So sorry to disappoint. There are all kinds of relationships. Not all are serial cheaters, or love junkies.

 

And I don't think I am even slightly better than ANYONE. I am simply someone who had it work out. I just mention it often because some Bs's like to believe it never happens. That when it does happen, 'once a cheater always a cheater', unless of course he comes back to the wife, then he's 'reformed'. Psht. Give me a break.

 

Your post that I responded to said that ALL married men who cheat do so because their wives make them unhappy. My post was far less general than yours. I was simply pointing out how ridiculously broad and mean spirited your words were. It's clear that your intention was to put down BSs. It was nasty for the sake of being nasty. You are not better than BSs.

 

In order for someone to cheat, something has to be broken inside of them. You have not fixed your boyfriend. You're a band aid. Eventually the gaping wound that caused him to cheat in the first place will reopen and you yourself will become a BS. It won't be because you did anything wrong, it will be because there is something wrong with him that neither of you are acknowledging.

 

You don't need to keep reminding everyone of your story. As QS said, it just makes you look incredibly naive. We know you landed your cheater. Congratulations..you bought a broken toy.

[Decorative]

 

In order for someone to cheat, something has to be broken inside of them. You have not fixed your boyfriend. You're a band aid. Eventually the gaping wound that caused him to cheat in the first place will reopen and you yourself will become a BS. It won't be because you did anything wrong, it will be because there is something wrong with him that neither of you are acknowledging.

 

You don't need to keep reminding everyone of your story. As QS said, it just makes you look incredibly naive. We know you landed your cheater. Congratulations..you bought a broken toy.

 

This is really, really important to read. It's right on the money.

 

We just don't want you to learn the hard way that this isn't his BS's fault. It's his. She may have some issues of her own- but none of those issues made him cheat.

 

I read this yesterday on a different website- and it's worth saying here: Marital problems don't make someone a cheater anymore than financial problems make a person a thief.

 

It's all about choices. And maladaptive decision making.

 

A bandaid. Indeed.

[Gagirl]

Here's the deal with this situation. He has an 18, 12 and 8 month old. He finally thought "hey, my kids are growing up and I can finally get my life back. Then boom his wife gets pregnant again. Now he stuck with diapers and little league all over again. Retirement has been pushed out for another 25 years too. So as most men do, he silently blames his wife for ruining the rest of his life and decided that he just had to go out and recapture some of his freedom with affairs. His wife found out and adding this to his lack of any love or emotional support since she got pregnant decided to leave. Now, he is conflicted. Should I stay with her and be stuck with a little kid full time again or should I divorce and only have to deal with this 50% of time and get to do what I want to do for the other 50%. Not to be mean but, I bet you aren't even part of his equation into whatever decision he comes up with. Get on match or eharmony and date like crazy. Leave this guy at the curb.

[Moemone]

this note remind me of me. so i can tell that she is hurting...hmm

[So happy together]

Your post that I responded to said that ALL married men who cheat do so because their wives make them unhappy. My post was far less general than yours. I was simply pointing out how ridiculously broad and mean spirited your words were. It's clear that your intention was to put down BSs. It was nasty for the sake of being nasty. You are not better than BSs.

 

In order for someone to cheat, something has to be broken inside of them. You have not fixed your boyfriend. You're a band aid. Eventually the gaping wound that caused him to cheat in the first place will reopen and you yourself will become a BS. It won't be because you did anything wrong, it will be because there is something wrong with him that neither of you are acknowledging.

 

You don't need to keep reminding everyone of your story. As QS said, it just makes you look incredibly naive. We know you landed your cheater. Congratulations..you bought a broken toy.

 

Since you know nothing of my boyfriend, I'll not take offense at you calling him 'broken'. He's not broken. I've known him for 18 years. I should know. You don't know anything. He's not new to me. I am not his band aid. He doesn't need one. He just got out of a toxic relationship with an alcoholic. He's dealing with his part in that, and we are happy. I'm not saying that he is perfect by any means, we all have our issues, but he's perfect for me.

[stillafool]

I am trying so hard to not let my heart dictate my sanity.. I am.. I'm doing ok.. I haven't cried in two days. She is very focused on saving it.. And this I about to sound disgusting... But I'm focused on the opposite.. That is me being completely honest... I have never been married.. Therefore the dynamics of their marriage is unfamiliar to me.. But I know him.. Some may say there is absolutely no way you know him more than her.. That is true.. But I know things about him that she doesn't.. He has been shut down in that marriage for years before I came in.. He doesn't communicate at home.. That's where I came in.

 

I am preparing myself... Trying to at least..

 

Its MEE wouldn't it make sense if the W were the one REALLY focused on saving this marriage that she would pack her things, move back into the house and have dinner waiting on him when he got home? No Its MEE he is the one focused on getting his wife back and still keeping you on the side. If he really loved you and wanted to create a life with you now is the time. He would still get partial custody of his 8 month old. If he wants to spend his life with you when does he plan to get started - 18 years from now? If he were in love with you his wife would be secondary but she is not.

 

Cut this cancer out of your life you deserve so much better. If I were you I would start looking for another job.

[2sunny]

Since you know nothing of my boyfriend, I'll not take offense at you calling him 'broken'. He's not broken. I've known him for 18 years. I should know. You don't know anything. He's not new to me. I am not his band aid. He doesn't need one. He just got out of a toxic relationship with an alcoholic. He's dealing with his part in that, and we are happy. I'm not saying that he is perfect by any means, we all have our issues, but he's perfect for me.

 

But IF/SINCE he stayed with an alcoholic all those years - he has work to do on himself.

 

He's he done long term, intensive counseling? What has he learned about himself in that process?

[So happy together]

But IF/SINCE he stayed with an alcoholic all those years - he has work to do on himself.

 

He's he done long term, intensive counseling? What has he learned about himself in that process?

 

I've actually answered this several times. He's in therapy. He's dealing with it. I try not to talk about it because when I did mention it, I had several BS's tell me that it was highly possible that he drove her to drink. So, yeah. He's been in therapy for some time. The therapist is the one who helped him break away from the marriage and is helping him forge ahead.

 

As I've said before, he didn't leave for me. But we are together. He would have left regardless. Even now she's sending him drunken texts nightly, blaming him for everything (he acknowledges his part). She refuses to take even one ounce of responsibility for the end of their marriage, which is why I wish that we had waited until he was out of the marriage to begin our relationship. Of course she does the typical thing and blames the affair for the disintegration of their marriage when in reality he couldn't live with her any more. She refused therapy, which is sad. I feel sorry for her in some ways. I wish she was more able to focus on what the real cause of her pain is.

 

As for us, I do consider us a success story. Even if we broke up today, I'd still consider us successful. We found love, he's going forward with his life and it will be better for him. Mine will be too. But, I will say, I'm glad it is with me.

 

I can understand why people may think I sound a bit like a braggart. I'm not bragging. I just get SO SICK of having to listen to BS's (the ones who are not here to be supportive, but who only chime in with 'leave the bastard') pick on OM/OW, when this is a support forum. If you don't want to hear success stories, or support the other posters in whatever road they choose to travel, you are not being supportive.

 

I'm not going to stop talking about my experiences.

[ThatJustHappened]

I've actually answered this several times. He's in therapy. He's dealing with it. I try not to talk about it because when I did mention it, I had several BS's tell me that it was highly possible that he drove her to drink. So, yeah. He's been in therapy for some time. The therapist is the one who helped him break away from the marriage and is helping him forge ahead.

 

As I've said before, he didn't leave for me. But we are together. He would have left regardless. Even now she's sending him drunken texts nightly, blaming him for everything (he acknowledges his part). She refuses to take even one ounce of responsibility for the end of their marriage, which is why I wish that we had waited until he was out of the marriage to begin our relationship. Of course she does the typical thing and blames the affair for the disintegration of their marriage when in reality he couldn't live with her any more. She refused therapy, which is sad. I feel sorry for her in some ways. I wish she was more able to focus on what the real cause of her pain is.

 

As for us, I do consider us a success story. Even if we broke up today, I'd still consider us successful. We found love, he's going forward with his life and it will be better for him. Mine will be too. But, I will say, I'm glad it is with me.

 

I can understand why people may think I sound a bit like a braggart. I'm not bragging. I just get SO SICK of having to listen to BS's (the ones who are not here to be supportive, but who only chime in with 'leave the bastard') pick on OM/OW, when this is a support forum. If you don't want to hear success stories, or support the other posters in whatever road they choose to travel, you are not being supportive.

 

I'm not going to stop talking about my experiences.

 

You have every right to post your experiences, and everyone else here has every right to express their opinions on your experiences. By posting on a public forum, you expose yourself to all sorts of responses, positive and negative. You can either deal with it, or you can get defensive and lash out at others like you've been doing.

 

Just an FYI..you're not making any headway trying to convince anyone you're happy by getting defensive. It just makes it look like you're either bragging or exaggerating, or both.

 

I'm trying to figure out how telling everyone here that all cheating husbands cheat because their wives are doing something wrong at home is supportive or kind in any way. To me it sounds defensive and intentionally nasty.

[So happy together]

You have every right to post your experiences, and everyone else here has every right to express their opinions on your experiences. By posting on a public forum, you expose yourself to all sorts of responses, positive and negative. You can either deal with it, or you can get defensive and lash out at others like you've been doing.

 

Just an FYI..you're not making any headway trying to convince anyone you're happy by getting defensive. It just makes it look like you're either bragging or exaggerating, or both.

 

I'm trying to figure out how telling everyone here that all cheating husbands cheat because their wives are doing something wrong at home is supportive or kind in any way. To me it sounds defensive and intentionally nasty.

 

Fair enough, I'll rephrase. A LOT of people who cheat, not all, but a good number, the vast majority, cheat because something is missing in their current relationship. What that thing is depends on the person. I'm simply stating that for most relationships, if needs are being met, if the people in relationships are fulfilled, there is no need. I have never cheated on a spouse, so I can't speak from personal experience. I just know from what I've seen, heard, read, that is the case. Of course there are serial cheaters. Of course there are some who cheat regardless. But for the most part, from what I have witnessed, they are missing something.

 

I'm not defensive. If it comes off that way, my apologies. I'm more worried for new posters than me. I can handle it, but people that are hurting, looking for support, are afraid or feel lost need support. Not finger shaking.

[ComingInHot]

Anyhoooo, where's it's MEE?

I'm kind of getting concerned about her.*

[2sunny]

I've actually answered this several times. He's in therapy. He's dealing with it. I try not to talk about it because when I did mention it, I had several BS's tell me that it was highly possible that he drove her to drink. So, yeah. He's been in therapy for some time. The therapist is the one who helped him break away from the marriage and is helping him forge ahead.

 

As I've said before, he didn't leave for me. But we are together. He would have left regardless. Even now she's sending him drunken texts nightly, blaming him for everything (he acknowledges his part). She refuses to take even one ounce of responsibility for the end of their marriage, which is why I wish that we had waited until he was out of the marriage to begin our relationship. Of course she does the typical thing and blames the affair for the disintegration of their marriage when in reality he couldn't live with her any more. She refused therapy, which is sad. I feel sorry for her in some ways. I wish she was more able to focus on what the real cause of her pain is.

 

As for us, I do consider us a success story. Even if we broke up today, I'd still consider us successful. We found love, he's going forward with his life and it will be better for him. Mine will be too. But, I will say, I'm glad it is with me.

 

I can understand why people may think I sound a bit like a braggart. I'm not bragging. I just get SO SICK of having to listen to BS's (the ones who are not here to be supportive, but who only chime in with 'leave the bastard') pick on OM/OW, when this is a support forum. If you don't want to hear success stories, or support the other posters in whatever road they choose to travel, you are not being supportive.

 

I'm not going to stop talking about my experiences.

 

Why is he ALLOWING her to send him drunk texts? I shut that down with my exH when we separated.

 

He can too - if he has a healthy boundary and speaks his truth...

[2sunny]

Fair enough, I'll rephrase. A LOT of people who cheat, not all, but a good number, the vast majority, cheat because something is missing in their current relationship. What that thing is depends on the person. I'm simply stating that for most relationships, if needs are being met, if the people in relationships are fulfilled, there is no need. I have never cheated on a spouse, so I can't speak from personal experience. I just know from what I've seen, heard, read, that is the case. Of course there are serial cheaters. Of course there are some who cheat regardless. But for the most part, from what I have witnessed, they are missing something.

 

I'm not defensive. If it comes off that way, my apologies. I'm more worried for new posters than me. I can handle it, but people that are hurting, looking for support, are afraid or feel lost need support. Not finger shaking.

 

No - they cheat because they are cowardly. So much so - that they can't be honest enough to end one R before starting the next!

 

It's not that the R may be broken or something is missing - it's that they simply won't face the truth and be honest about ending it FIRST.

 

Most are afraid to be alone - so they find someone while they end the M. That's just added dishonesty.

[waterwoman]

Fair enough, I'll rephrase. A LOT of people who cheat, not all, but a good number, the vast majority, cheat because something is missing in their current relationship. What that thing is depends on the person. I'm simply stating that for most relationships, if needs are being met, if the people in relationships are fulfilled, there is no need. I have never cheated on a spouse, so I can't speak from personal experience. I just know from what I've seen, heard, read, that is the case. Of course there are serial cheaters. Of course there are some who cheat regardless. But for the most part, from what I have witnessed, they are missing something.

 

I'm not defensive. If it comes off that way, my apologies. I'm more worried for new posters than me. I can handle it, but people that are hurting, looking for support, are afraid or feel lost need support. Not finger shaking.

 

Oh yes, I can agree that there is something amiss in a marriage for infidelity to happen. In some cases it's the MP with the something missing but in some it's the marriage that has cracks showing. But, in this I disagree, it isn't the BS that is to blame, it's both parties. Marriages don't falter because of the actions of one person entirely. I hate to see WSs on here putting all the blame for their affair on the BS, things are rarely that simple IMO.