I gave him until July 2nd... 9days post DDAY

[2sunny]

Yes this has to stop. No more lunches, talks or coffee's together. Keep it professional and do your job, only speak to him about work related issues. Ask to him please respect YOUR boundries and remind him it is best under the circumstances that you two stay away from each other.

 

She has NO boundary.

 

She's still willing to make out with him today at work! All while he's trying to figure out how to have his wifey forgive him enough to move back home.

[Journee]

Affairs are completely selfish. Each AP sucking whatever it is they need from the other. Concentrated on "What about me?"...

 

Love so pure and true and awe inspiring. Yet very few mentions of the children here. Especially the fact that there is a very young child involved. An infant. A child learning to balance , take his first steps. A child sounding out his first words and laughing at silly things his family does for his entertainment. He is the center of the universe. He and his siblings. How dare you or this man take even an ounce of energy and time away from him. What kind of love is this? Wake up OP. You have truly given me a glimpse into the OW in my situation.

 

I hope that you never have to deal with this type of betrayal during a pregnancy. During any time in your life. Raising children with a fraud. Feeling like you have wasted so much of your energy. Your short life.

 

How can you profess love for this man with such little thought to the little people he is responsible for? How are you showing love by demanding him to make choices in your favor? What about what is best for his family...his children? If there is not abuse and immediate danger to these children then allow them time to sort things out.

 

Even if you view his wife as disposable and merely a vessel for his children ,have the forethought to see his children as people who matter. Matter deeply to him. His wife left. He didn't kick her out. He is a pig right now in his life. Chewing up people who matter. You matter too OP. You do honey but you don't get to put time stamps on other people's lives.

 

I was six months pregnant when my husband and I were separated and he started seeing a coworker. I found out. I confronted them both. Difference is I told him he could have her. That I was done. Once I met her I told her I would be there every step of the way. To get used to me. When she saw my pregnant belly. I was real. When she saw the woman that her AP was bound to with love ,history and family , she was no longer up to the challenge. Are you up to that? I literally just turned 28 OP. I have already shared nearly ten years with my H. Our M was broken at the time he met OW. He and I were broken. Yet and still we chose each other. We chose our family.

 

How simple do you think their dynamic is? How throw away could their life together possibly be? What kind of turnover rate do you expect?

 

Yes, I'm triggering OP but I am just trying to help. I'm sorry you are hurting and I really hope that you heal and find exactly what you want and need out of life. This is not romance. This is not what typically founds happiness. You deserve more. His children most certainly do aswell.

Edited May 7, 2013 by Journee

[DelusionalOne]

How are you?? I know you are trying to back away from LS... I'm glad you're on here and I'd love to hear your input on this... I know I sound delusional.. Ughhh

 

Hi MEE…..

 

Yeah, I couldn’t completely walk away… but I am trying to limit my visits to once or twice a day.

 

There is not a whole lot that I can add that others haven’t already said but I will give you my perspective.

 

First, Making out with someone is NOT LC. Second, it is absolutely possible to go NC even when you work with someone. I know this for a fact because I live it every day. It does add a new fun layer of hell to walk through but it can be done. Problem is, it’s going to be entirely on you to enforce and maintain. There is a fine line between NC and being professional. You need to find that line. That means, no lunches, no chit-chat, no longing, sad face pining looks and definitely no making out. It SUCKS and it HURTS but it can be done. You need to decide if you are serious.

 

They have an 8 month old child. I assure you, the marriage hasn’t been “dead” for ages. And him cheating on his wife while she’s pregnant with his child doesn’t exactly make him a stellar human being. Let me give you an idea on what is going on… and here’s how I know… my own darling husband had a DDAY when our child was 5 months old. Yes I caught him. While I was packing my stuff and my infant’s things my husband was begging, pleading and yes, even crying asking me not to leave. Keep in mind, this is the second time he got caught. He did throw the OW under the bus. He did tell me what a huge mistake it was and he did tell me that he was sooooo sorry he f’ed up all of our lives. THIS is exactly what is happening with your MM. If the marriage was truly over he would be walking away…. But he’s not. He’s telling you that she is moving back in. What he is leaving out, is that she isn’t finished negotiating the terms…part of those terms, is going to be ending it with you.

 

I want you to ask yourself this. Let’s take you completely out of the picture. There is no “It’s _MEE” to confuse his decision. None at all. What do you think he would do? Do you think he would stay with his wife and children or do you think he would leave the marriage anyway? Remember… YOU are not part of the equation at all. No memories, no “burning love”… nothing. Would he stay with her? You know he would, don’t you. Right there is your answer.

 

 

 

“He’s trying to see if he’s able to yank me out of the deepest part of his heart… and I don’t want to let him…I feel like if I truly back away all the way ….He’ll forget about that fire in his hear for me…and he won’t fight it anymore. Ugh”

 

Sweetie, If the above is true… you never really had his heart to begin with.

 

You are in a no-win situation. If he leaves her for you, you now have a man that will walk away from his wife and children for another woman. If he doesn’t then you don’t have him anymore.

 

I know this is going to sound so odd. But I am now glad that my xMOM chose his wife and child over me. He made the right choice. He chose to stay with the woman he made a commitment to and his child. And because of that now I get to continue to respect him as the good man I fell in love with. Trust me, I know our relationship was inappropriate (and in spite of the rumors that there is another OW), I know he is the good man that I fell for. I don’t get to be with him, but if he walked away from his wife and child for me… I’m not sure I could respect him. No respect….no love.

 

Remember MEE, what someone will do FOR you… they will have no problem doing TO you.

 

In my opinion, and I swear to you, I know how hard this is…. You need to walk away. Go NC as much as possible. Love him enough to let him go and figure out what he wants/needs. You can’t do that for him. No time limit…..because they mean nothing. Tell him to look you up when he has worked all this out and is SINGLE. You are heading for more pain than you can even fathom if you continue to hold on.

[So happy together]

Hi Mee

 

I don't really know what to say. I will tell you that in my situation, my bf never told me he had to stop communication with me, he didn't tell me to go away, never threw me under the bus and made a priority of 'us'.

 

The fact that your MM is not doing these things, for me, sends sirens off in my head.

 

It is tough to find ourselves in these situations, as we generally don't set out to be part of a triangular relationship. That being said, it is something that we do choose. So. Now he's decided to work on his family and has asked you to stand back. What you need to do is JUST THAT. And don't just take baby steps back, get out of the way. I know that sounds terrible, but the best thing you can do right now is do what he asks.

 

If he wants you in his life, he'll see to it that you are. If not, you'll know that as well. The last thing that will help is chasing him or giving in to his whims. I have watched my boyfriends stbxw text him constantly with guilt trips, rants, begging, pleading, yelling... drunken phone calls. Ridiculous emails. All these have done is push him away more, to the point where he will not communicate with her at all. It has made him lose any respect he ever had for her. You do not want to be the whiny, cry baby whom he avoids.

 

Then, if he chooses you, you'll know he is choosing YOU. Good luck, and try to keep your chin up.

 

Xx

[Its_MEE]

Affairs are completely selfish. Each AP sucking whatever it is they need from the other. Concentrated on "What about me?"...

 

Love so pure and true and awe inspiring. Yet very few mentions of the children here. Especially the fact that there is a very young child involved. An infant. A child learning to balance , take his first steps. A child sounding out his first words and laughing at silly things his family does for his entertainment. He is the center of the universe. He and his siblings. How dare you or this man take even an ounce of energy and time away from him. What kind of love is this? Wake up OP. You have truly given me a glimpse into the OW in my situation.

 

I hope that you never have to deal with this type of betrayal during a pregnancy. During any time in your life. Raising children with a fraud. Feeling like you have wasted so much of your energy. Your short life.

 

How can you profess love for this man with such little thought to the little people he is responsible for? How are you showing love by demanding him to make choices in your favor? What about what is best for his family...his children? If there is not abuse and immediate danger to these children then allow them time to sort things out.

 

Even if you view his wife as disposable and merely a vessel for his children

, have the forethought to see his children as people who matter. Matter deeply to him. His wife left. He didn't kick her out. He is a pig right now in his life. Chewing up people who matter. You matter too OP. You do honey but you don't get to put time stamps on other people's lives.

 

I was six months pregnant when my husband and I were separated and he started seeing a coworker. I found out. I confronted them both. Difference is I told him he could have her. That I was done. Once I met her I told her I would be there every step of the way. To get used to me. When she saw my pregnant belly. I was real. When she saw the woman that her AP was bound to with love ,history and family , she was no longer up to the challenge. Are you up to that? I literally just turned 28 OP. I have already shared nearly ten years with my H. Our M was broken at the time he met OW. He and I were broken. Yet and still we chose each other. We chose our family.

 

How simple do you think their dynamic is? How throw away could their life together possibly be? What kind of turnover rate do you expect?

 

Yes, I'm triggering OP but I am just trying to help. I'm sorry you are hurting and I really hope that you heal and find exactly what you want and need out of life. This is not romance. This is not what typically founds happiness. You deserve more. His children most certainly do aswell.

 

 

Journee,

Thank you so much for your sincere response. I truly appreciate it. I know I sound heartless when not making more mention if his children. I have talked about them in my last thread. I know they are FIRST no matter what. I do feel monstrous for damaging their security... I do. There are three kids.. 18, 12, 8months... I've talked about them, cried about them, worried, thrown up, all of it...

At this point though, although everyone's feelings have been taken into consideration this week I do need to somehow think about me. Please don't compare me to the OW in your situation... I read a little of your initial post and felt the pain you felt. I'm sorry... I am sorry for reminding you of her... I have contributed to this winans devastation as sge contributed to yours i know... I though, do not have ANY other men.. He has been my entire world this past year. I am not trying to demand choices in my favor.. We have talked non stop about this. There is so much more said in the conversations than I'm even able to write. I know she isn't disposable.. And I know their dynamic is beyond what I imagine. But I'm torn.. Don't you think I want to completely forget I ever met this man? I feel like rocks are hanging from my insides.. I'm f'ed up for wanting what I want.. I know this.. But it diesnt change the fact..

[snowflakes88]

I'm sure July 2 makes her feel better because it buys her more time. This is like numbing the pain of someone dumping you by making them agree to meet up with you and talk in a month. It allows you to breathe again - gives you a month to live in denial and hang onto hope, which feels a hell of a lot better than accepting the reality and having to sit with the pain.

 

That said, it is a terrible plan and will not end well. Not for OP, anyway.

[Treasa]

It's not true that you can't make yourself stop wanting to be with someone. It's hard, but it can be done. It can be done when you admit the truth to yourself and start putting yourself first. It starts when you realize you two don't have this magical kind of love that requires you reminding him of it and giving him a deadline and all of that. He's a piece of **** with some good qualities. He's not all bad. But do you really want to settle for someone who isn't "all bad" and who may not decide to be with you anyway?

 

I got over someone even though I had more of a chance of being with him than you have (it wasn't an A though), and I decided to walk away. I decided that the pain and the anxiety weren't worth how I felt about myself anymore, that putting bandages on something that completely broken was only making it worse.

 

Nothing special is going to happen on July 2nd, much like nothing special happens on January 1st to make dieters stick to their weight loss goals. You don't make a chance until you decide, deep down, that you are going to put yourself first, and stick to it despite the pain and the hard work.

 

Good luck.

[GorillaTheater]

Nothing special is going to happen on July 2nd,

 

Au contraire. Both Lindsey Lohan and I will turn a year older.

 

But I wouldn't give the guy 2 hours to make a decision, let alone 2 months.

[ComingInHot]

wiser wrote, "I'm a fOW (just to get that out of the way) and here is my opinion: please, please, please, don't say that your're concerned about his children or the pain you're causing his wife. Be honest, and say that you could really care less. See, if you truly meant those things, your behavior would mirror your words. It does not. You just want what YOU want, and everyone else be damned. You really can't have it both ways, you see that right? "

 

 

it's MEE, just in case you missed this post the first read through. It's a pretty good post from a fOW.

 

 

 

(I write this w/compassion & hope you know that too*)

[2sunny]

Ask him specifically " do you plan to try and stay with your wife?"

 

It's a yes or no answer!

 

Just listen at that point and see which he answers...

[Journee]

Journee,

Thank you so much for your sincere response. I truly appreciate it. I know I sound heartless when not making more mention if his children. I have talked about them in my last thread. I know they are FIRST no matter what. I do feel monstrous for damaging their security... I do. There are three kids.. 18, 12, 8months... I've talked about them, cried about them, worried, thrown up, all of it...

At this point though, although everyone's feelings have been taken into consideration this week I do need to somehow think about me. Please don't compare me to the OW in your situation... I read a little of your initial post and felt the pain you felt. I'm sorry... I am sorry for reminding you of her... I have contributed to this winans devastation as sge contributed to yours i know... I though, do not have ANY other men.. He has been my entire world this past year. I am not trying to demand choices in my favor.. We have talked non stop about this. There is so much more said in the conversations than I'm even able to write. I know she isn't disposable.. And I know their dynamic is beyond what I imagine. But I'm torn.. Don't you think I want to completely forget I ever met this man? I feel like rocks are hanging from my insides.. I'm f'ed up for wanting what I want.. I know this.. But it diesnt change the fact..

 

 

 

Then I hope you have read some of my posts since my initial one. Getting up on a year out from my first inkling that something was off my perception has evolved so much. My perception of even myself has changed.drastically. I don't think you are far enough removed from all of this to see what many here are trying to convey.

 

I wasn't trying to imply you are exactly like the OW in my case. Our scenarios could not be more different. Yet the pain is the same. I triggered with some of the things you said. AffairS's are full of pain.

 

You made mention that it's time to somehow think about you. That is all you two have done. You had a full year of you time. The light of day is full on what you two had going on. All that me time. You know this. You know what is right and what is wrong. Most people do. Rationalization makes it easy to convince yourself (general) what is wrong could one day be right. You are not alone. We all become lost. Lost so deep in the forest that there seems to be no way out.

 

The best thing most can do is realize exactly what they do and do not have control of. Realiz it and accept it. You have full control over yourself and how you proceed. I just hope you are ready for the further pain that will come regardless of what happens here.

 

 

I wish you would change your mind but I know you have your own road to till.

Good luck.

[Its_MEE]

I posted a letter before.. Very one told me not to send it... I wrote another.. Difference this time is I already sent it.. After my last post this morning... He comes to my cube at 1:20p and tells ME that HE can't stay for lunch today.. (Acted so rushed) an said e would tell me why later... That right there felt like a smack in the face... I knew what that was... I know what it is... But OMG did it make me relapse... I've been crying... Non stop... Still at work... Here's the letter...

 

You know what..... NO...

Read this, REREAD IT, and soak this in!

 

No contact is what you want then you've got it. I am not angry. Idunno why you left like that today but I call bs. Not mad... You can read this and not respond if you want just in case she checks your bill... You can prove that its all me and not you... Because it'll make a difference.... Again... Not mad... You feed me this bs as your reasons for doing what you're doing to me right now and THAT'S what drives me crazy. I am acting like I have no dignity and no values with you right now. Like I'm asking you To choose me. I'm not... But.. I know I have been... I need to respect myself right now and tell YOU... Please let's keep this platonic and completely professional until everything is sorted.. No more lunches, no more kisses, no more how was your days (you already know how I'm feeling don't ask that dumb a** question), no more play fighting in the office no more lingering stares, no more "you're so beautiful", no more I love yous. You want To try to yank me out and be faithful... Do it all the way..... Do not flirt. Stop it. Make your family trust you again.. And remove me.. If you still want to separate FOR YOU then I know it was meant to be. You're waiting for HER to make a decision but you already know that decision. Be a man.. Make it yourself. tell me the truth... all of it.. tell her the truth all of it... you don't want to lie anymore... DONT. And if you can't... I WILL NOT be your back up plan.. I am SPECIAL. I am great.. No more affair.... youre still cheating right now! You are right, I shouldn't be worrying about you... So from right now on.. I'm not. If you are ever available. Find me and maybe I will still be available and willing. Right now.. IM DYING. Not hearing from you this week has f'ed me up. How can a love so strong go a week with no communicating. No "how's your night." My son asks about you and that ish eats me up. How could I allow you to meet him. My fault.... I keep waiting for some sort of concrete answer.. YES NO... Or a "we will be ok, I love you" but nothing... You have comforted me NONE. But you're over there with your phone filled with messages trying to get her back... You can't tell me that though... Tell me! I know... The flirting... You are trying your best... Don't touch me anymore. DON'T... Don't tell me "IF me and you are together.. I want there to be no worries". Why would you say that today? For whttttttt???? Anyways.. I read a quote...

"Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire".

We will see... I'm not afraid anymore. So i will move on.. Find me when you are ready. Until then... You're on your own.

 

I edited a lot and I probably shouldn't of sent it... But..

[whichwayisup]

No, it's good you sent that! Now you need to hold yourself to NC as well. Completely and fully.

 

If you can book a week of holidays or something from work, do it!

[BrokenPrincess]

Did you mean you edited the version you posted here or you edited it a lot before you sent it?

 

Regardless, I'm glad you did it. July 2nd is no different than May 7th. And excellent inclusion of P4Ps perfect quote!

[2sunny]

He already has answered that by having an affair while married, then by not being decisive on d-day.

 

-ol' 2long

 

We all know that - but it may help the OP have a reality check IF he says it out loud to her!

 

My bet is he will avoid a yes or no answer - that's why it's useful to be firm and say "answer with yes or no!"

[2sunny]

I would suggest reminding him that you stated earlier today that YOU no longer intend to "have lunch" with HIM!

 

He's manipulating - its a power play!

[secretlady76]

I would suggest reminding him that you stated earlier today that YOU no longer intend to "have lunch" with HIM!

 

He's manipulating - its a power play!

 

I wouldn't even bother doing that.

 

Silence is golden.

[2sunny]

I wouldn't even bother doing that.

 

Silence is golden.

 

Wow! I'm digging your strength!

 

You go girl!!!

[Praying4Peace]

WOW! I'm so impressed! Just wait several weeks when the emotions die down. You will be so proud of yourself. This is the thing that is going to heal you in the end, that you did this!

 

And you used the quote!!:love: I'm so flattered (not that I wrote it!)

 

Think about that quote when you're sad.

[Summer Breeze]

I posted a letter before.. Very one told me not to send it... I wrote another.. Difference this time is I already sent it.. After my last post this morning... He comes to my cube at 1:20p and tells ME that HE can't stay for lunch today.. (Acted so rushed) an said e would tell me why later... That right there felt like a smack in the face... I knew what that was... I know what it is... But OMG did it make me relapse... I've been crying... Non stop... Still at work... Here's the letter...

 

You know what..... NO...

Read this, REREAD IT, and soak this in!

 

No contact is what you want then you've got it. I am not angry. Idunno why you left like that today but I call bs. Not mad... You can read this and not respond if you want just in case she checks your bill... You can prove that its all me and not you... Because it'll make a difference.... Again... Not mad... You feed me this bs as your reasons for doing what you're doing to me right now and THAT'S what drives me crazy. I am acting like I have no dignity and no values with you right now. Like I'm asking you To choose me. I'm not... But.. I know I have been... I need to respect myself right now and tell YOU... Please let's keep this platonic and completely professional until everything is sorted.. No more lunches, no more kisses, no more how was your days (you already know how I'm feeling don't ask that dumb a** question), no more play fighting in the office no more lingering stares, no more "you're so beautiful", no more I love yous. You want To try to yank me out and be faithful... Do it all the way..... Do not flirt. Stop it. Make your family trust you again.. And remove me.. If you still want to separate FOR YOU then I know it was meant to be. You're waiting for HER to make a decision but you already know that decision. Be a man.. Make it yourself. tell me the truth... all of it.. tell her the truth all of it... you don't want to lie anymore... DONT. And if you can't... I WILL NOT be your back up plan.. I am SPECIAL. I am great.. No more affair.... youre still cheating right now! You are right, I shouldn't be worrying about you... So from right now on.. I'm not. If you are ever available. Find me and maybe I will still be available and willing. Right now.. IM DYING. Not hearing from you this week has f'ed me up. How can a love so strong go a week with no communicating. No "how's your night." My son asks about you and that ish eats me up. How could I allow you to meet him. My fault.... I keep waiting for some sort of concrete answer.. YES NO... Or a "we will be ok, I love you" but nothing... You have comforted me NONE. But you're over there with your phone filled with messages trying to get her back... You can't tell me that though... Tell me! I know... The flirting... You are trying your best... Don't touch me anymore. DON'T... Don't tell me "IF me and you are together.. I want there to be no worries". Why would you say that today? For whttttttt???? Anyways.. I read a quote...

"Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire".

We will see... I'm not afraid anymore. So i will move on.. Find me when you are ready. Until then... You're on your own.

 

I edited a lot and I probably shouldn't of sent it... But..

 

You took your power back and that's perfect. It's exactly what you needed to do and you should take strength from that! If you do falter, even in your own mind, come back and read what you wrote and remember how you felt when you wrote it. Use it to keep reclaiming your power! I'm really proud of you!

[sybo24]

Keep strong and you will get through this.

 

I am in the same postion as of yesterday and know the pain you are feeling.

 

These men dont deserve us xxx

[Its_MEE]

I'm drowning here. Holy s**t

[2sunny]

Don't allow him to steal your power with his need for attention and false affection.

 

It's designed to feed HIS ego!

[BrokenPrincess]

You're waiting for HER to make a decision but you already know that decision. Be a man.. Make it yourself. tell me the truth... all of it.. tell her the truth all of it... you don't want to lie anymore... DONT. And if you can't... I WILL NOT be your back up plan.. I am SPECIAL. I am great.. No more affair....

 

 

NO YOU CAN DO IT. You are reclaiming yourself. Take deep breaths. Just post here whatever you need to & get it out. Just DO NOT TALK TO HIM. Every 10 minutes you don't break NC is a success. Then you will make it 10 more.

 

I know how you're feeling when your head is spinning and it just seems so easy to make up an excuse and get the relief by making contact. But then you will just have to do this all over again!! This is the worst part but you will make it.

 

So chin up, re-read your words, harness your pride and STAY STRONG.

[2sunny]

Know that you deserve the best - and settle for nothing less than that!

 

It doesn't include the bread crumbs he expects you to get excited about.

 

Never settle!

 

 

There's not one reason to wait a minute longer for him.