Relationship vs Mental wellness/Modern Man/AFC

[Fatdrifter]

I don't really know what forum this post belongs in, or what to do with it, but I feel like these thoughts need to get out of my head.

 

I am really good at being alone. Scratch that. Being on my own in a sense of "dating" is really all I know. I've turned 29 two days ago, and it still comes to a shocking surprise that I am still a virgin. Unlike many, many, MANY "men". I developed late in life, just because of having a "different" personality and probably not looking as good as other guys. I started at around 22, and up until I was 26/27, I was doing alright. Meeting a lot of girls online, dating unsuccessfully (having a fetish and nobody to share with kind of maims your dating life with great ease). A few things happened, I stopped altogether, fell in to a depression, and from 27ish up to current day, I just got weirder.

 

I'd start talking to girls, making acquaintances, and when I wasn't getting shot down, I'd shoot myself down. I would meet someone, end up finding they had gotten interested in me, then two things would happen; I'd get extremely horny, and then I'd get extremely shy, and go away. It's not a smart thing to do, obviously, but just every question would rifle away at me and I'd suddenly just begin feeling......like ****.

 

There were a few up and down periods, and when I had finally thought that the proverbial plane had finally crashed for good, I met someone.

 

I feel good that I met someone. But she has a lot of things that I'm not sure of. I've been dating her since march (?) now and when I'm with her, things are pretty good. No, I haven't gotten any. But she accepts me for me. I enjoy seeing her, enjoy her company. But that's in person. When I'm alone with my thoughts, I feel like I should cut it off, but it would be an ******* move, that I'd be back to where I was, that I should "experience" all of it and maybe, just maybe, things will get to full on happy.

 

But it bothers me for the following reasons; for one, she's a virgin, just like me. To people this sounds like this match. After all, I don't have to impress, I don't have to worry, and the shared relationship of "deflowering eachother" will supposedly make us "stronger". Yea.........I couldn't feel farther from that. She's four years older than I am. She has a lot more negativity, even calls me the "typical guy", and she's got anxiety/severe shyness issues. How do I handle that?

 

For two, I don't like this feeling that I have a "type". Women have unlimited options; it's like placing an order, and if it comes out to exact spec, it's great. For a guy, it's take what you can get. And I, not to sound snotty, but as a college educated person with a solid home and parents that aren't split up, just question everything when I see that the girl has divorced parents, has barely finished high school (they're my age, mind you!), has no intention of going to college or at best has went and dropped out, and only wants to become a mother in the near future.

 

Am I wrong for asking these questions of my life? I feel like an ass for asking, but really, truly, .....I don't know what to think of anything in my life anymore!

[todreaminblue]

If you are with this girl because you just dont want to be alone then it isnt right, you are right to have misgivings.......

i find it curious guys or people say all she wants to be is a mother if that isnt one of the most glorious ambitions to have..the one that delivers satisfaction absolute....but unrecognized btu to the parents who go through parenting everyday..........that a degree is far more glorious or praiseworthy a position to have is university leanings...yes being a mother is often overlooked in society today....like it is a way to sit on your fat ass and do nothing....but there are quite a few mothers(almost all) who see the joy and work really hard unpaid 24/7 to provide a home for gods gifts ...which are children....maybe you need a woman with more "ambition", which is fair enough.....dissing mothers though...not cool........until you are one......or a father for that matter........you will not understand exactly how much it takes to bring children up with love and selflessness in your heart...one day you may look back and go crap....this parenting thing isnt easy...............after a fair few sleepless nights with a sick or missing child, you will be praising mothers and fathers everywhere.....why did i ever think that "just a mother thing" will be in your head....until then...

 

in my opinion do what really makes you happy...do what is in your heart to do........the answers to your questions......is in you..if you cant find them...ask god to help you ...pray.....i wish you well in life and happiness in love.....cheers...deb

Edited May 7, 2013 by todreaminblue

[CompleteFailure]

The fact that you posted this shows that you aren't taking this lightly which indicates you have a really good moral compass and great integrity.

 

I think you should take a step back and just relax for a minute. In person she makes you feel good and you feel good around her so that's a positive. That's reality.

 

Now when you're alone with your thoughts you start talking yourself out of everything? Could it be the depression you had is skewing your outlook on things? That's not reality, that's in your head imagining...

 

If the problem you're facing is, "I want to F*ck, but I feel bad doing that to this girl because she expects way too much from me If I F*ck her, I don't think she's good enough for me and I don't want to settle with her."

 

My advice would be to not put so much pressure on yourself and not coerce her with false promises. She's responsible for herself and if she wants you it'll happen. Go with the flow, be there for her but be assertive with what you want.

 

Don't blame her, blame all the sh.t we've been brainwashed with as kids growing up to live the ultimate life of having a family. If you don't admire, respect or enjoy your time with her than GTFO fast.

[Fatdrifter]

If you are with this girl because you just dont want to be alone then it isnt right, you are right to have misgivings.......

i find it curious guys or people say all she wants to be is a mother if that istn oen fo the most glorious ambitions to have....that a degree is far more glorious...yes being a mother is often overlooked in society today....like it is a way to sit on your fat ass and do nothing....but there are quite a few mothers who see the joy and work really hard unpaid 24/7 to provide a home for gods gifts ...which are children....maybe you need a woman with more "ambition", which is fair enough.....dissing mothers though...not cool........until you are one......or a father for that matter........you will not understand exactly how much it takes to bring children up with love and selflessness in your heart...one day you may look back and go crap....this parenting thing isnt easy...............after a fair few sleepless nights with a sick or missing child, you will be praising mothers and fathers everywhere.....why did i ever think that "just a mother thing" will be in your head....until then...

 

in my opinion do what really makes you happy...do what si in your heart to do........the answers to your questions......is in you..if you cant find them...ask god to help you ...pray.....i wish you well in life and happiness in love.....cheers...deb

To be honest, the one thing I'm learning is......I need more actual friends. More actual female friends. That actually like have interpersonal connection.......you know.....OK like did you ever have THAT GUY that you were just best friends with? I've never had any relationship anywhere near that with a girl. At all.

 

Deb, I do not look at parenting as some sort of sin or something to be frowned upon. I see it as something that is meant to be taken at an appropriate time (like when finances and a home and everything else is set). Anything else and someone is not only setting themselves up for disappointment/hardship/difficulties, but setting their child up for the same as well. And I don't want to portray moms as women that sit on their ass and do nothing, because they aren't. But when you ask someone "what do you want to do with your life" and that's the ONLY ANSWER? That is SCARY! A degree to me isn't the only answer, but it's a demonstration of maintenance. Life is maintenance.

 

I do admit that I have high expectations for myself, but I just feel like being educated.........it's one of those fundamental things. I went once, and learned a lot of hard lessons. A lot of lessons that told me that I was not smart enough even when I finished. Like getting a valuable profession. I went for music. I'm going through my second round of college right now, on a path to actually getting a better job (computer repair; I found any other job I took after my first time was automobile-related, go figure).

 

It sounds silly, but it shows a lot about how dedicated a person will be. Even if it's becoming an electrician.

[Fatdrifter]

The fact that you posted this shows that you aren't taking this lightly which indicates you have a really good moral compass and great integrity.

 

I think you should take a step back and just relax for a minute. In person she makes you feel good and you feel good around her so that's a positive. That's reality.

 

Now when you're alone with your thoughts you start talking yourself out of everything? Could it be the depression you had is skewing your outlook on things? That's not reality, that's in your head imagining...

 

If the problem you're facing is, "I want to F*ck, but I feel bad doing that to this girl because she expects way too much from me If I F*ck her, I don't think she's good enough for me and I don't want to settle with her."

 

My advice would be to not put so much pressure on yourself and not coerce her with false promises. She's responsible for herself and if she wants you it'll happen. Go with the flow, be there for her but be assertive with what you want.

 

Don't blame her, blame all the sh.t we've been brainwashed with as kids growing up to live the ultimate life of having a family. If you don't admire, respect or enjoy your time with her than GTFO fast.

I like her. But the thing is I feel if I have sex, it will be expected I submit to norms like getting married eventually. I mean, I'm a boyfriend but it's all new to me. I've never really had great relational recreation. I just don't want to hurt her in that I'm just feeling frankly very out of my element of normality and honestly, the whole theme of "what I want" is something I put away when I got used to the concept of believing I'd always be alone. To have it back is good, but fear of not choosing well is just making me clam up.