So lost :(

[Keyley]

I'm going to apologise for this post in advance, as it's likely to be pretty long.

 

I'm 32 years old, with 4 sons ... 9, 11, and two 14 (one's a stepson) an angry husband and no social life aside from the internet. Currently unemployed (outside of the home anyway!) and have recently been diagnosed with Rhematoid Arthritis and Lupus.

 

Let me explain ...

 

When I met my husband nearly 8 years ago, we used to have fun, we enjoyed each others company whether we went out clubbing, or stayed in watching tv. At the time, my boys (from my previous relationship) were 2, 4 and 7.

He was really good to them, patient, encouraging, loving, playful, etc.

 

A year ago July, his youngest son came to live with us ... I welcomed him, as did my boys, despite the problems of lying, stealing from us, getting into trouble at school and so on. It'd happen, we'd discuss it and move on.

 

Somehow over the past year or two, things have gone from great, to just OK, to ... terrible.

 

My husband never spends any time at home anymore, works an average of 12-15 hours a day. (Sometimes self-made projects to keep him busy.) We talk fine via cellphone (2-3 times a day) but the problem is when he *does* spend any time at home.

He's always angry, always complaining. If someone forgets to turn a light off, instead of saying 'hey ..., turn the light out please' he becomes harsh, mean, his body language speaks volumns.

It's more like "why is every light in the goddamn house on, everyones too effin lazy to turn an effin light out, nobody ever does what they're told, why the feck am I even here, I've nothing to come home too, etc etc' and he growls about it for-e-v-e-r, making them feel hurt, upset. Myself, I'd just shut it off, remind them to turn it off next time, and get on with things.

 

He's nothing to say to any of the kids, unless it's negative. Period. Never just a 'hello', nothing. In the event says something funny, silly, at most he'll shrug his shoulders. He never smiles or laughs with them.

 

His excuse when I try speaking calmly with him (he's always shouting, and feck is often every second word) is that he's tired of bills and being nagged for money and such when late with a payment. He feels I don't care about bills and such ... I don't know why he feels that way. I've told him that everything and anything, affects all of us. I just respond differently is all. I mean they're there, we can't do anything about it ... and we can only try our best.

 

I'll finish with a replay of last night ...

 

He came home nearly 11pm (as usual), grabbed something to eat. (We'd had tacos) He yells, "wheres the damn salsa?" I told him there was some in a container on the counter. "%^%*&()@!#%^^%&%^&%^" Apparently it was empty. So I came out into the kitchen and grabbed him another bottle from the cupboard. He was ranting like a lunatic, about how 'nothing was ready for him, nothing was there ... he isn't important, nobody cares whether he's there or not, etc etc' Shouting, telling me I was a 'useless shyt', and that I'm not happy unless everythings my way.

I usually try and keep quite hoping he'll just SHUTUP, but last night after listening to him ramble on for approx. 15-20 I sat down on the edge of the bed, and calmly asked him to leave.

 

We've spoken this morning, and naturally like everythings 'ok', but ... Gawd, I just don't know what to do anymore

[Leikela]

I'm sorry that you are in this position. It's evident by his behavior that he feels smothered at home. He's not happy. He doesn't like coming home to a house full of kids and having to deal with issues when he just worked a long day.

 

Have you thought about getting a job and helping out with the bills? Maybe he feels unappreciated and like noone cares because he is supporting 4 kids and a wife and maybe this is his cry for help. Try asking him what he wants to change. Tell him you want your marriage to work but don't know how to make it better unless he tells you. Critisizing and belittling you and the kids isn't going to make anything better. Tell him you know how he FEELS but you also want to know what he wants to change.

 

Please try and nip this in the bud now and work on resolving this. This is a perfect scenario for a husband that will go out and cheat. It's their escape from their home life. Please talk to your husband again. I hope you both get somewhere. Hang in there.

[Keyley]

Hi Leikela, Thanks for the quick reply.

I *do* appreciate your comments, and feel honestly you know what you're talking about ...

 

He doesn't like coming home to a house full of kids and having to deal with issues when

he just worked a long day.

 

But this I can't quite understand, the kids aren't a new thing ... they've always been here. And really there's nothing for him to actually 'deal' with when he comes home, aside from eating, showering then going straight to bed it seems. (That's the routine, all in approx. 15 minutes ... give or take.)

People all over the world have bad days, bills, etc ... but I doubt they treat their families this way. As well, his days are often much longer (self made) than nesseccary.

 

Have you thought about getting a job and helping out with the bills?

Maybe he feels unappreciated and like noone cares because he is supporting 4 kids and a wife

and maybe this is his cry for help.

 

Perhaps, but I had worked up until 6 months ago. (we moved) and haven't been able to find anything as of yet. But this is the quencher, he doesn't feel it's 'feasible' for me to return to work, he feels between the housework, kids (and their fighting sometimes), homework never getting done, etc. that it'd not be beneficial, I feel it would be however. I don't want to return to full time hours as I had, but part time. If anything, for a few extra bucks.

I should also add that he does make good money, it's just the way he sometimes carelessly spends it (beer, beer and more beer).

 

Try asking him what he wants to change.

 

That I'll do, asap.

 

Please try and nip this in the bud now and work on resolving this.

This is a perfect scenario for a husband that will go out and cheat.

It's their escape from their home life. Please talk to your husband again.

 

I often wonder if he already has (though I've never said anything to him), just because there's been random nights he doesnt get home till 4-6 am. Usually half drunk though, and he usually just tells me (without my asking) that he was with one of his friends.

[moimeme]

He is way too stressed and using the entirely wrong coping mechanism (beer). Can you cut back on expenses? Find ways to save money? There are books and websites about living cheaply for folks in such situations. Often there are great tips that people just never had thought of on ways to economize.

 

Can you get some sort of part-time job a couple afternoons a week?

 

Also, he needs to learn better coping strategies. Would he be open to reading a book on stress management or maybe listening to a book on tape? All the anger, impatience, etc. that you describe are usually signs of someone being far too stressed. The upshot is that he could well be damaging his health - hearts can't take endless stress. So perhaps you can convince him to look into stress management just for the sake of his own health.

[Butchey]

I should also add that he does make good money, it's just the way he sometimes carelessly spends it (beer, beer and more beer).

 

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. You seem like a very patient and dedicated person and I hope it works out for you.

 

The fact that he seems angry all the time leads me to think he may have clinical depression. Anger is a sign of depression. This combined with the fact that he drinks excessively leads me to believe he may also be an alcoholic. Alcohol will only compound depression and make it worse.

 

Have the changes been gradual or have you noticed sudden changes in behavior? Bi-polar disorder is another possibility.

 

You need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. I know that is not easy but there are ways to be subtle and make him see that you know he is not right. If you think he is alcoholic I suggest you visit an al-anon meeting. You will see that you are not alone and you will find tons of information and support.

 

If he comes around and does not got worse he will need AA, as well as a psychiatrist. This is only my opinion but I have been there before. So many people suffer from these things and allot only come to grips with it after they destroy their lives and the lives of those around them. You are going to have to be strong and look for help. It will get better "one day at a time".

[Keyley]

Originally posted by moimeme

He is way too stressed and using the entirely wrong coping mechanism (beer). Can you cut back on expenses? Find ways to save money? There are books and websites about living cheaply for folks in such situations. Often there are great tips that people just never had thought of on ways to economize.

 

Can you get some sort of part-time job a couple afternoons a week?

 

Also, he needs to learn better coping strategies. Would he be open to reading a book on stress management or maybe listening to a book on tape? All the anger, impatience, etc. that you describe are usually signs of someone being far too stressed. The upshot is that he could well be damaging his health - hearts can't take endless stress. So perhaps you can convince him to look into stress management just for the sake of his own health.

 

HI moimeme,

I doubt very much I'd be able to convince him into reading anything. I'll have a hard enough time getting him to sit and speak to me without shouting. I'll try though.

And yes, I too believe he is far too stressed, intense, but he never used to be that way. I *do* understand why he's stressed, as it affects us all as a family but it is what it is (bills), and we're not the only ones with them.

I know this is going off topic just a little ...

but I wish he'd stop with the 'why do I come home for, there's nothing here for me to come too" things like that ... we're different that way. I try to appreciate what I have already, instead of obsessing over what I want.

As well, regardless of how angry or upset I get, I have never spoken to him the way that he speaks to me (namecalling/shouting).

I've asked him a million times to just sit and talk with me, he speaks - I listen, I speak - he listens, but it doesn't work out that way.

 

I'm currently looking for part time work now. We live in a very small community, so there's not a whole lot around here. (Unless I want to travel 15-20 minutes, which is fine for now but not in the winter) I really want to get back into the swing of things and I'm sure I'll find something gradually. My previous job was an enjoyable one, decent wages and benefits ... I so miss it.

[Keyley]

Originally posted by Butchey

I should also add that he does make good money, it's just the way he sometimes carelessly spends it (beer, beer and more beer).

 

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. You seem like a very patient and dedicated person and I hope it works out for you.

 

The fact that he seems angry all the time leads me to think he may have clinical depression. Anger is a sign of depression. This combined with the fact that he drinks excessively leads me to believe he may also be an alcoholic. Alcohol will only compound depression and make it worse.

 

Have the changes been gradual or have you noticed sudden changes in behavior? Bi-polar disorder is another possibility.

 

You need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. I know that is not easy but there are ways to be subtle and make him see that you know he is not right. If you think he is alcoholic I suggest you visit an al-anon meeting. You will see that you are not alone and you will find tons of information and support.

 

If he comes around and does not got worse he will need AA, as well as a psychiatrist. This is only my opinion but I have been there before. So many people suffer from these things and allot only come to grips with it after they destroy their lives and the lives of those around them. You are going to have to be strong and look for help. It will get better "one day at a time".

 

I'm so relieved to hear you say it's ok to try and point out there's a problem Butchey. I do believe he needs the AA or psychiatrist (or both perhaps), because he is far from the person I'd met and I can't help but fear that we're bringing out the worst in each other. However, the way he speaks to the kids and the never knowing what he's going to 'get peeved off' about next is what upsets me most. This isn't a random or rare occurence, this is daily. As soon as he comes home, the oldest two usually go to their rooms just to avoid any kind of a confrontation, while the younger two stick around wanting to have some kind of conversation or a simple hello from him, only to be dissapointed ... and he flys into them regarding something that happened 4 months ago, such as leaving the bread bag open.

 

There's definetely a difference when he's drinking, though he acts the same regardless, its much more agressive when he's been drinking.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he just wants to go back to his life as a single, ya know? Both of us have always been physically healthy and active, average looking individuals with a sense of humor and a want for a good time and going out (in the beginning), and I can't help but feel he'd prefer that and being alone, to having any of us. The majority of his friends are in their fortys (he'll be 39 in Feb), and oddly enough only one of them is married, and I know they enjoy trying to drag his arse off to the bars. I seldom if ever, say anything when he comes home drunk in the middle of the night.

[Keyley]

Well, I just got off the phone with him and suggested we go out to eat, or for coffee when he get's off work ... and he agreed.

I'm thinking that we'd be able to actually talk without the worry of his shouting ... it'll be a public place afterall. Suppose it's a good idea? Any pointers on how I should innitiate the conversation?

[Butchey]

I think it is a really good idea.

I would suggest you try to remind him that you love him before you get into the hard stuff. Remind him that you entered this together.

 

Chances are he will get angry anyway so just soften him up a bit.

It's not easy but you have to think logically and resist the negative feelings.

 

You have to start laying the groundwork for recovery.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Let us know how it goes.

[Ladyjane14]

The fact that he seems angry all the time leads me to think he may have clinical depression. Anger is a sign of depression. This combined with the fact that he drinks excessively leads me to believe he may also be an alcoholic. Alcohol will only compound depression and make it worse.

 

This is right-on advice from Butchey. It's hard to ask a family member to get checked for depression, because they more or less immediately assume that you are accusing them of being crazy. Best to stick with the medical facts on the disease. Do some quick research before you bring it up. The ask him if he will agree to see the doctor about it.

 

You can make an appointment with your regular family doctor initially, and if he/she feels that your husband needs psychiatric services the doctor will refer him.

 

Good luck.

[Keyley]

Thanks so much all ... you've no idea how much I appreciate your advice, comments. I'll post any progress.