I don't trust her.

[Troubledbou]

So, my girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and 5 months now. We've moved in together and we have a pretty normal stable life. We're both third shifters so we get a good amount of time together. I work a little later into the night, and she only works 4 days a week so that's where our schedule differs.

 

My problem is, I can't bring myself to trust her. She said she's never cheated on anyone in her life, and would never cheat on me. I have no reason to believe any different, but something inside of me is telling me different.

 

The only thing that has caused friction in our relationship is her ex-bf. he'll text her every now and then, and I've expressed my displeasure with it. She says its nothing, but I have trouble believing that. There's no reason to talk to the guy, especially your ex.

 

Here's where my trouble lies. One day before work, my pitbull comes through our house holding a pair of panties. Normally I don't think anything of it because our dog is always into something. She drops the panties and goes about her ways. I pick them up to toss them in the hamper and noticed their wet in the crotch area. Wetter than anything I've ever seen with her. She does work in a warehouse picking orders, so one could assume it was sweat, but it jus seemed odd. Do women sweat that much down in that area?

 

Plus recently our sex life is non-existent. She said its due to her stomach medicine killing her sex drive, but she no longer seems interested. I try my hardest to provide for her, to make sure every day she's happy, but lately it seems like its not worth it. I can't continue to drive myself crazy about this, it's really eating at me. I think about it all day at work and I'm really stressing my self out.

 

Sorry for the lack of organization, but my thoughts are over the place. Am I over analyzing? Or is there something there that doesn't seem right? I can't go on much longer like this, and I don't want to ruin a good relationship because of my insecurities.

[crederer]

Her panties were wet because they were in the dogs mouth, dude.

 

If her texting her ex bothers you (as I can see it would for a lot of guys) then she should respect that and not do it anymore.

 

Ask if she's okay with you looking at the text. If she gets wicked defensive then that's a red flag.

 

And if she doesn't get defensive and there's nothing to worry about, then don't ask her all the time to see it either.

[Chi townD]

Well, I would have told you to save the panties and have them tested for semen with a home kit.

 

But, I think that you might be a little paraniod. However, if your gut is telling you that something is going on, then go with your gut.

 

Get a couple of voice activated recorders (VAR's) and hide one in the house in the room where you see that she spends time talking on the phone. Then, get some heavy duty velcro from your local hardware store and secure a VAR under the drivers seat of her car (cheaters usually do their communicating while driving).

 

If she has an iphone, chances are she charged up the phone using the USB port of the home computer. If this is the case, the phone probably sync'd up with the computer. Therefore, there's a hidden file on that computer that contains the text conversations that were on that phone. You need to download a iphone file extractor and you'll be able to view that file.

 

Personally, if you think this is sneeky, well....it is. But, you have EVERY RIGHT to know what's going on in your relationship. You got some POSSIBLE red flags that I can see. The panties COULD be questionable and the lack of sex in your relationship. Now, if you find nothing...then let it go. But, if you find nothing and she finds out about the snooping...you might lose her. You have to weigh this very carefully.

[noble]

Maybe the reason you can't trust is more of a YOU issue and less to do with her

You said yourself shes given you no reason or proof not to trust her. Her panties were wet because they were in the dogs mouth, and even if it was because she was wet down there that doesnt mean shes cheating or having sex. Women have vaginal discharge throughout the day, and that basically ends up on your underwear. It's gross I suppose, but its part of life.

Are you parents married, or divorced? Did one parent cheat?

My parents are divorced because my mom cheated on my dad, and because of this I had a somewhat unstable childhood. This unstability early in my life has led me to be anxious in relationships and untrusting because its hard for me to understand that the same thing wont automatically happen..

These feelings all come from within me though, and my boyfriend is really trustworthy and open with his phone.

If your girlfriend is telling you about the ex texting her, and shows you the texts if you want then you should trust her.

also dont get mad at her for something thats out of her control. she can't control the fact that the ex texts her.. i guess she could get his number blocked but if their relationship ended amicably there is no reason to really do that.

sometimes my bf's ex will text him and it will irritate me, but its not HIS fault. So just the same situation.. I think you should chill and just enjoy your relationship.

[Javelin]

At this point, I think you need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend. Remember, this is a relationship between you and her, not just you. And, spying on her is not only a bad move, but illegal in some states - so don't do that. With that, whatever is affecting you in regards to the relationship, she is just as resonsible for.

 

So my advice is to let her know what's up and that you'd like to talk. Also make sure that she knows that you've been trying to deal with the issues, but alone you have failed to rid yourself of the insecurities. You should tell her about the wet panty thing as well, just to show how paranoid you've become.

 

Just understand something, if she gets defensive or if you guys get into an argument after expressing your feelings then something is up. Then again, don't start the argument and don't point your finger! Don't let your temper cloud your judgement, you need to pick up on subtle hints, because it could be a sign.

 

If she is a great girlfriend, then you guys should have no problems working things out. She should be doing her best to keep you secure in the relationship. If not, then perhaps it's time to think about seperating.

[Troubledbou]

I'm not going to stalk her, I love and respect her too much to invade her privacy like that.

 

My parents are still together, but I have seen cheating ruin many relationships in my life. I've always told her to just break up with me if she ever felt like she was going to cheat. That's not too much to ask of her I suppose.

 

I've talked to her about the ex and she's stopped replying to him she says, and I've said something about the lack of sex. Again, she does take very strong steroids for her stomach issues that leave her nauseous and drained of all energy. I understand where shes coming from, as I would feel very uncomfortable if I had to deal with other issues while making love.

 

I haven't talked to her about her cheating, mainly because I'm so scared of what's going to happen. I don't want to lose her, but I guess continuing down the path I'm on I'll lose myself.

[JessieJ08]

You probably dont trust her because of the whole Ex thing alone.

Which I understand I went thru the same thing with my man and let me say I am not insecure but I feel if your going to be friends with your ex and have convos from time to time you should be polite and respectful let the person your with meet them.

 

 

Some people dont mind the whole Ex thing I on the other hand feel if they are your ex its for a reason let it go I dont believe female and male can be friends once they know there were feelings there.

 

My example When my guys ex hit her up she was trying to skype him with her mother and he never once told me I found out because something popped up on our computer the next thing I know she was writing him asking if he got a girl Prego and when he said No she said Good.... Not Ok

 

All I have learned is your girlfriend has to set boundaries when it comes to the ex another thing with exes most the time ppl today use them as rebounds no they wont cheat with each other maybe but I have seen people have sex with their exes even after a relationship so I get why your on guard and I think the only way for you to be at ease is to know more about the ex like detail why they broke up why they are still friends if she doesn't want to share that then I would be worried.

[pteromom]

Some scary advice in this thread!

 

Women leak. Depending on the time of the month, vaginal discharge can be thick to the point where it even looks a little like semen (actually, it looks like egg white, but it's thick and stringy). There is nothing abnormal about it, and yes, it can completely soak panties. I have friends who have to wear panty liners month-round.

 

You say yourself that you have no reason not to trust her. So what's the issue?

 

Have you been in a relationship before? If so, were you untrusting in that relationship as well? If so, it is probably YOU and your insecurities that lead to the way you feel, and has nothing to do with her specifically.

 

If the feelings you are having are specific to her, it could be that your instinct is telling you something is off.

 

But I can promise you this. Giving her ultimatums about not talking to this ex-bf can do nothing but blow up in your face. Even if she agrees, it will be with resentment, because nobody enjoys being controlled.

 

If you can't get to the point where you trust her, you are right to walk away.

 

And for goodness sake, don't spy on her! Keep communicating with her though and be honest about how you are feeling without being accusatory.

[Troubledbou]

 

Have you been in a relationship before? If so, were you untrusting in that relationship as well? If so, it is probably YOU and your insecurities that lead to the way you feel, and has nothing to do with her specifically.

 

This is my first real relationship. Before I was the guy that didn't really care to have a relationship, and would just have fun. I wasn't a whore, but I never even considered settling down until I met this girl.

 

The night I met her, things just clicked. She was so easy going and much like myself that we just bonded. We hung out the night after and very frequently afterwards. Fast forward a year and some change later, and here I am. Insecure, and having these terrible thoughts.

 

I've decided to write her a letter. I've decided to do this because I coward away when we start to talk. If her facial expressions even begin to change, I immediately divert from the topic and never really accomplish anything. So I'm going to write her a letter and tell her what's going on. I'm going to ask for her help in getting through this, and hopefully she'll help. I want to be with her so bad, but I just know my insecurities will ruin this relationship soon.

[pteromom]

Ahhh... so this is the first time you've actually been vulnerable with someone.

 

My guess is that it isn't that you don't trust her, but that it is really scary being in a position where someone else is holding your heart.

 

A letter is a good idea. In your letter, make sure you make it all about YOU. Your feelings, not her actions. If you bring up the ex-bf, focus on how you feel about her friendship with him, and do not say anything that sounds accusatory.

[Troubledbou]

Ahhh... so this is the first time you've actually been vulnerable with someone.

 

My guess is that it isn't that you don't trust her, but that it is really scary being in a position where someone else is holding your heart.

 

A letter is a good idea. In your letter, make sure you make it all about YOU. Your feelings, not her actions. If you bring up the ex-bf, focus on how you feel about her friendship with him, and do not say anything that sounds accusatory.

 

Thank you so much. You don't know how much you've helped, and how you've put me at ease. Approaching her this way is much safer than just bringing up the subject out of nowhere.

 

I'll let you know how it goes tonight, as she'll see the letter when she gets off.

 

Thanks again.

[pteromom]

Good luck... I hope she is open to working through this with you and you guys figure it out!

[Javelin]

I want to be with her so bad, but I just know my insecurities will ruin this relationship soon.

 

I hope you wrote this in your letter.

 

Anyway, how did it go?!

Edited May 8, 2013 by Javelin

[Troubledbou]

Update: we're taking time apart. My trust issues are the base of our problems and coupled with some other things, she said shes really feeling the stress from our relationship.

 

I think it's over, she seems adamant about being alone and away from me. So I'm doings best to give her some space. Easily the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

[Troubledbou]

SHe doesn't really stay in contact with her Ex. He would text her expressing how much he's changed or trying to make small talk. She would always tell me when it would happen.

 

I'm just a screw up, I've ruined this relationship and I have to come to terms with that.