My story

[Mr. Lucky]

Because your the wife and that's a burden I think we all shoulder. That's what I have come up with!

 

While I do agree that there's a "lover" and "loved one" in many relationships, I don't think it's gender specific. You'd be amazed at the number of guys I know that work hard at meeting their wife's needs and get very little in return...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

Instead of using divorce as a remedy for your own fears, perhaps talking those fears out with a good therapist may help. I really think that you hit the nail on the head that you don't like confrontation and you avoid, but it also sounds like you use your own resentment about how you avoid things to build up resentment against him as well, perfect way to stuff your feelings and cut them off. It comes down to the fact that if you are unhappy with yourself, you will never be happy, no matter what he does or doesn't do. That responsibility lies squarely on you.

cozycottagelg, in one of your earlier posts, you called yourself a coward. While that's not true, I do think you're acting in a cowardly manner. As Trippi has so astutely stated, fear is your enemy. And it may cause you to make a decision from which there's no way back.

 

No one here can tell if it's right for you to leave or remain in your marriage. But they can help you understand that a decision like that needs to be made from a position of clarity. And when you write things like "feeling like a failure", "I know that so much of this is my fault", etc., then you're not there.

 

IC is the answer for you. Not surprising your husband feels like a stranger as you don't really know yourself. I'm not talking about the scared wife afraid to discuss with her husband the issue that's about to splinter their world, I'm talking about the real you. The one inside hiding from her problems. Get her some help so she can deal head-on with the very real challenges in front of her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2.50 a gallon]

The question you need to ask yourself and maybe with the help of a counselor, is. "Why did you set yourself up to fail?"

 

You say you wanted the marriage to last forever, but did not communicate your needs until after you began to resent him. Then when you do tell him your needs and he sets out to meet them you resent him all the more.

[tojaz]

Cozy, I usually avoid commenting on threads like this one. Not for a lack of words, but because they are usually quite short lived. In reading your post though, before you mentioned you had children, I would have sworn I had been married to you once upon a time.

 

I wonder about those marriage statistics that get brought up so often here. 50% divorce rate, median duration for a first marriage........ just 8 years. Second marriage, because obviously we would have learned something by then right? ........ 8.25 years. (from the U.S. Census Statistical Abstract)

 

We live in a world where more and more everything is disposable, as soon as the shine wears off of something, or we hear something better might be available, that's what we want. Thats fine if you are the type of person that trades your car in every couple years, but that kind of thinking seems like it's starting to apply to people as well.

 

I'm sorry Cozy but I don't really have much advice to offer in this area, and you have said your mind is made up. All I have is to remember that this isn't his doing and he deserves to be handled gently and with respect, and what you are doing now is doing neither and will actually do more harm in the long run.

 

Everyday I search for apartments, meanwhile emailing him to see what he wants for dinner..

 

It's so bad (or, I'm so bad)...but I know his one deal breaker is cheating, and I often feel like I should just say I cheated so that he would hate me instead of love me.

 

I would also suggest finding a definitive answer to this as well..

I wanted to be married forever. I was never happier than on my wedding day. It was his second marriage and I, at the time, considered him my soul mate. What happened to us?

 

Someone had asked how you would react when he found someone new after the fact, I would be more worried about you acting on these vague feelings and coming to realize you missed what you had and regretted your decision. It happens more then you might think, be sure because the wounds will heal, but the scars will always remain.

 

TOJAZ

[Keenly]

He deserves to know that you are not with him in this marriage anymore. You deserve to be happy. He deserves to be HAPPY. Even if that means its not with each other.

[2.50 a gallon]

Heed well the words of mbm.

 

I am retired and with the divorce rate of over 50%, I have seen many a marriage go south, including my own and my sisters. And there are a surprising number of times I have seen the children, once they reach adult hood react as she warned.

 

Although not scientific, as a guess I would put it close to 25%.

 

In the last apartment complex I lived in, one of the residents was an elderly lady who absolutely lived for kids. So much so that she had been the first to rent in the complex when it was new and had stayed there for over 2 decades. She had chosen that apartment, as it was on the ground floor and right by the entrance coming from the school a block away. Every day she was on her patio to talk to the kids as they passed. She was known as grandma M.

 

What I found out later, was that she was the birth mother of one of my high school friends. His two brothers and sister had totally cut her out of their life. She lived the last 40 plus years of her life, not knowing where her kids lived, they had deluded her into thinking they had all moved out of state. She did not know that one of her great grand sons, had played little league baseball at the school. She had almost a dozen grand kids and twice that of great grand kids and never got to see any of them. She died a few years back in a hospital a little more than a mile away, in the same hospital that her first great great grand daughter had been born in a little more than 6 months prior.

 

My Ex BIL had been my best friend, I knew him before my sister was born. After 20 years of marriage he went thru the same thing as you are experiencing. When they divorced they had two daughters about 11 and 16. Shortly after she turned 20 the oldest was married, he was not invited to the wedding. As my niece put it, he destroyed my family and I want nothing to do with him.

 

Thanks to me tipping him off, he was able to attend the christening of his two grand kids.

 

The youngest daughter did not marry until she was in her 30's. It was her husband that insisted she invite her father. At the wedding I had to introduce him to his now a senior in high school grand son and his grand daughter.

 

He knows nothing about their growing up. He was proud to have been a 3 year letterman in high school, and did not know that his grand son had been on the varsity football team for all of 4 years. He never got to see him play.

 

I am telling you this as mbm just so you are aware, it can and quite often does happen.

[trippi1432]

While reading through several other threads, it seems like so many husbands were caught off guard by their wives leaving. It is so sad to me how two people in the same house can have such wildy different views of how their relationship is going.

 

I feel non-existant when I'm at home. I play with the kids, I do the housework and dinner, and all the things I did before, but I feel zoned out. Completely numb. I feel so alone, even when I'm in the kitchen with my husband and two kids talking and laughing. I feel alone.

 

Last July I told him I was unhappy... and he got better. I always thank him and point out the things he is doing that make me happy and tell him I appreciate him... but again, it's like he's my brother. I try to think about all the great things about him, and I can list so many...but I have absolutely ZERO romantic feelings toward him.

 

So now what?

 

Well, Cozy, you have heard from the men here as well, the ones who had a different view of how their relationships were going and were caught off-guard. It happens to women in marriages too, raising the family, doing their day to day things thinking they are in a marriage only to find out that the husband is unhappy and wants out. Just thought I would address that.

 

Perhaps the reason you are surprised by this, and the stories here, is that you expect that your husband should see that you are zoned out and numb. Some people are intuitive enough to see it and note the difference (I did with my ex-SO), some people aren't when you are faking the relationship. Some people actually need to know what you are unhappy with and what is within their control to work on....what is not within their control, is actually on you to work on.

 

Lastly, to touch on Gallon's post, you informed your husband that you weren't happy and now he is jumping through hoops to fix that, yet you still resent him. Yes, it's because you let this go on for too long, you didn't speak up back when you still had feelings for him. Avoidance does not make things go away, it makes them pile up until the hill is too high to climb. When you look at that mountain that you helped to create, you either have to choose to climb it or walk away...sounds like you are in the walk-away mode to us here.

 

When you ask what happened to us....keep that in mind. And to address one more thing, when your husband does these wonderful things for you now that you scorn and victimize yourself because you are not in touch with your feelings, go easy on him and realize that it's really you that has the issue. He was just along for the ride and didn't know your unhappiness until you told him when it was too late.

 

My apologies if I come off harsh, but I see my mother do this and I remind her that she has a wonderful man that loves her and would be lost without him. I have girl-friends that do this too...I had an ex-SO who did this as well and as a woman who spent 15 years with a man that made life hell, you have no idea how lucky you probably are having more than some of us ever had to work with.

[notbroken]

I've been on the other side of this. I'm quite sure my ex could have written the exact same original post.

 

Quite honestly, it was pure hell to live with a woman that was just 'going through the motions'. I loved her and wasn't loved back. I eventually gave up. It seemed useless to persue her when she didn't reciprocate. Living with someone like that is depressing. Very depressing. It's as if something is missing no matter how good things are. The reason is because something IS missing.

 

I have found that at least for me, I can't quite be happy/fulfilled without love in my life. I suspect everyone's life is just better with love in it.

 

While it will be tough, you will actually be doing him a favor by divorcing if you are incapable of loving him. You've allowed resentment to build to the point where it wouldn't matter what he did. People that avoid conflict and 'are very nice' often just harbor the conflict until it explodes (in divorce, an affair, violence, etc). I feel sorry for your husband and the pain your family is about to suffer.

[cozycottagelg]

I appreciate all the responses, even the ones that are hard to read.

 

We talked a little bit last night. He even said at one point "I know the reason that you feel this way, it was the years that I put my friends before you.."

 

I'm starting to feel really defensive I guess. I realize I should have spoken up sooner, but it isn't like I never expressed my feelings. He always knew I wanted him places and chose not to go. He knew I wanted him to be more involved in the kids, and chose to stay home instead.

 

Reading some of the posts, it sounds like more often than not, a man needs to be constantly reminded of what women's needs are...but sometimes I think that is just such a bunch of sh*t. Do I really have to tell you that I want you to come camping? Do I really need to invite you to your own daughters birthday party?? I mean come on... I asked, and still ask for VERY little. I am not asking him to go ballroom dancing or have dinner parties...I'm was asking him to spend time with the family that he chose to have. Speaking up everytime I was disappointed would have been a daily thing...and as a grown man, he should have known better.

 

Until last summer when I finally told him the extent of my unhappiness, I would get a babysitter for the kids when I was going out to of town or out for the night, so that he didn't have to deal with it, because I always felt so guilty. That is a bunch of crap. And it isn't like he was ever "oh no, that's fine, go have fun, I got the kids"...he never cared, he was just happy to be at home alone.

 

Until recently, whenever I left the house, he NEVER said "have a good time!" it was like he didn't want me ever leave. I was supposed to be home all the time. And when I'd return home, he never asked me how my time was. If he was gone, he never asked how the kids were, he'd instead go on and on about everything he had been doing.

 

If he did have the kids and I would call and check in, it was like I'd always hear about how much one of them was whining or crying..it was never "it's all fine, don't worry about us"...I mean you can't lie to me so I can enjoy myself without worrying constantly that you are at home and miserable??

 

All I ever wanted, and still want is for his happiness...and for like 10 years he put himself over me, ALWAYS. Every single time. And now, now he's husband of the effing year and I am the one with the problem??? I don't love myself..blah blah blah... I was trying to be kind to him on this board and it left me feeling like I'm the reason my marriage sucked.

 

::HEAVY SIGH::

 

Okay..sorry..I just had to vent that out I guess... I feel like maybe I gave him way more credit in the first few posts than I should have, in order to give a better perspective on why I feel the way I feel...

[unsureagain]

Wow, you could have been writing about me. I recognize the pattern of hoping he would be involved with our daughter or the family. If he had come up with a family activity I think I would have fainted on the spot and then jumped for joy.

 

My husband had a litany of things I had done wrong, why he did not feel loved. They were all about him- how I was not tuned into him. My issues were more about relationships- being interested in my day, or being with the family. I guess that is not unique.

[cozycottagelg]

I can so relate to that. Now when he goes places, my daughter is like "daddy is going??" because he never went anywhere with us!!

 

And he isn't a bad guy...but I'm just tired. I'm tired of it. I realize I should have spoken up sooner...but like I said before, some of the things that I wanted from him, he should have just done, because it's the right thing, not because I asked him.

 

I couldn't even imagine missing one of his family events because I was home watching TV... It is unimaginable in my eyes. If there is an event, I will be there, because I am your wife and I love you.

 

But I invite you to a family bbq and you chose to stay home. Screw you pal..

[unsureagain]

I was at a luncheon the other day with executive women speakers, and they talked about some of the differences between women and men. Of course these are generalizations and not true of all men or women, but I recognized my relationship in her speech.

 

She said that when a husband is going away for a weekend, the wives would plan a weekend around the kids- activities so that everyone was happy.

 

When the wives went away for the weekend, the husbands got a babysitter

[Act Two]

I appreciate all the responses, even the ones that are hard to read.

 

We talked a little bit last night. He even said at one point "I know the reason that you feel this way, it was the years that I put my friends before you.."

 

I'm starting to feel really defensive I guess. I realize I should have spoken up sooner, but it isn't like I never expressed my feelings. He always knew I wanted him places and chose not to go. He knew I wanted him to be more involved in the kids, and chose to stay home instead.

 

Reading some of the posts, it sounds like more often than not, a man needs to be constantly reminded of what women's needs are...but sometimes I think that is just such a bunch of sh*t. Do I really have to tell you that I want you to come camping? Do I really need to invite you to your own daughters birthday party?? I mean come on... I asked, and still ask for VERY little. I am not asking him to go ballroom dancing or have dinner parties...I'm was asking him to spend time with the family that he chose to have. Speaking up everytime I was disappointed would have been a daily thing...and as a grown man, he should have known better.

 

Until last summer when I finally told him the extent of my unhappiness, I would get a babysitter for the kids when I was going out to of town or out for the night, so that he didn't have to deal with it, because I always felt so guilty. That is a bunch of crap. And it isn't like he was ever "oh no, that's fine, go have fun, I got the kids"...he never cared, he was just happy to be at home alone.

 

Until recently, whenever I left the house, he NEVER said "have a good time!" it was like he didn't want me ever leave. I was supposed to be home all the time. And when I'd return home, he never asked me how my time was. If he was gone, he never asked how the kids were, he'd instead go on and on about everything he had been doing.

 

If he did have the kids and I would call and check in, it was like I'd always hear about how much one of them was whining or crying..it was never "it's all fine, don't worry about us"...I mean you can't lie to me so I can enjoy myself without worrying constantly that you are at home and miserable??

 

All I ever wanted, and still want is for his happiness...and for like 10 years he put himself over me, ALWAYS. Every single time. And now, now he's husband of the effing year and I am the one with the problem??? I don't love myself..blah blah blah... I was trying to be kind to him on this board and it left me feeling like I'm the reason my marriage sucked.

 

::HEAVY SIGH::

 

Okay..sorry..I just had to vent that out I guess... I feel like maybe I gave him way more credit in the first few posts than I should have, in order to give a better perspective on why I feel the way I feel...

 

I think it sounds like he was selfish with his time and commitment to family over the years, and that led to resentment on your part.

 

I'm not trying to minimize that, but since it is something he is willing to work hard on and change, then the burden falls on you to try to forgive him of that.

 

The reason why you have received the responses you have is because he is willing to do everything to change, and you have a lot at stake. It may seem like the grass is greener by divorcing, but I'm here to tell you that there is heartbreaking pain for you, your spouse, and your children on the other side as well. This is not to scare you, but to caution you in thinking divorce is an easy escape.

 

I would really implore you to do some counseling, individual and marriage before divorce.

[cozycottagelg]

I think it sounds like he was selfish with his time and commitment to family over the years, and that led to resentment on your part.

 

I'm not trying to minimize that, but since it is something he is willing to work hard on and change, then the burden falls on you to try to forgive him of that.

 

The reason why you have received the responses you have is because he is willing to do everything to change, and you have a lot at stake. It may seem like the grass is greener by divorcing, but I'm here to tell you that there is heartbreaking pain for you, your spouse, and your children on the other side as well. This is not to scare you, but to caution you in thinking divorce is an easy escape.

 

I would really implore you to do some counseling, individual and marriage before divorce.

 

I agree with this. Especially the forgiving part. And you know, I have forgiven him, but my feelings toward him haven't changed. And I don't want to come across as some overly romantic person, but despite seeing how amazing he has become, I still just feel nothing. I think I'm scared that I will never desire to be with him sexually. I struggle with the fact that his touch is so unwelcome. I WANT to be attracted to him and move past it, and I'm scared that MC won't make those feelings return. That's what is scary to me. I think I could be content staying in the marriage, but can I live forever not feeling sexually attracted to someone?

 

Has anyone ever been disgusted by their partner, but had those feelings return?

 

I have a doctors appointment today, I am going to ask for a referral to a MC, or at least a name or a starting place...

[Musubi]

I believe that once a woman falls out of love, those feelings will not return.

[GuyInLimbo]

Cozy, what about IC? I started seeing someone about a month ago because I recognize my side in a failing marriage. It's certainly been eye opening. I realized that I still have some deep-seeded issues that go back to my early childhood regarding communication and maintaining healthy relationships. I went this morning and my therapist said some things that made me think about how incapable I am (or at least have been) in standing up for my own feelings, extracting myself from unhealthy relationships and a host of other things.

 

I still see no other option than ending the marriage. But at the same time, I still need a lot of work before I can be in a healthy, LT relationship again. And that's OK. I need to know that. I sort of feel like I'm repeating a pattern over my life and it has to stop.

 

That's why I think you should explore IC, regardless if you go to MC or not. You need to deal with the resentments, lack of communication and guilt. I'm not saying it's easy. It's not, at least for me.

[cozycottagelg]

Cozy, what about IC? I started seeing someone about a month ago because I recognize my side in a failing marriage. It's certainly been eye opening. I realized that I still have some deep-seeded issues that go back to my early childhood regarding communication and maintaining healthy relationships. I went this morning and my therapist said some things that made me think about how incapable I am (or at least have been) in standing up for my own feelings, extracting myself from unhealthy relationships and a host of other things.

 

I still see no other option than ending the marriage. But at the same time, I still need a lot of work before I can be in a healthy, LT relationship again. And that's OK. I need to know that. I sort of feel like I'm repeating a pattern over my life and it has to stop.

 

That's why I think you should explore IC, regardless if you go to MC or not. You need to deal with the resentments, lack of communication and guilt. I'm not saying it's easy. It's not, at least for me.

 

I definitely want to go to IC first...

[trippi1432]

Cozy - every bit of what you have stated today is totally understandable. And yes, I agree with Act Two above, that entire post. Spot on and why you are receiving the backlash.

 

When the two of you talked last night and he had his "realization", did you tell him point blank, I need you to put our family first....I need you to be an emotionally supportive husband and father, I need you to make us and our marriage a priority from here on out...not temporarily, but from now on. You need to say those things to him directly. Honestly, using examples of things from the past like you never want to go here/there, you don't go to b-day parties...etc., yes, he should have known...but he can't fix the past, he can only work on what is today and going forward.

 

I agree with the IC, if nothing else, to better understand your feelings. Advice in this, stay away from meds. Talk therapy is actually more beneficial and having a clear mind instead of a medicated one helps bring clarity.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

All I ever wanted, and still want is for his happiness...and for like 10 years he put himself over me, ALWAYS. Every single time. And now, now he's husband of the effing year and I am the one with the problem??? I don't love myself..blah blah blah... I was trying to be kind to him on this board and it left me feeling like I'm the reason my marriage sucked.

 

cozycottagelg, this anger really hits home for me – I was amazed in therapy when my wife – a women I loved to death, the woman who decided to blow up the family we’d built – was angry at *me*. Angry at me because of who I was.

 

My wife is a planner/organizer. I am not. That is who we are. There is nothing wrong with not being a person who likes to plan things – it’s part of who I am just like my height and eye color. Is it wrong that my eyes are brown? Unfortunately, eye color and height are easily noticed. Not being someone who likes to plan things is something she had to learn about me and me about her.

 

I can recognize that she resented me for not being as involved in the things she planned. But it goes both ways. I didn’t resent her for not be more laid back.

 

Sometimes she’d call me on a Thursday and tell me we were entertaining a dinner party on Friday night. Didn’t ask me, and frankly, it wouldn’t have mattered because I would have said yes because (I thought) that is what she needed to be happy – *I* was trying to be the perfect husband. If I was having a bad week and was looking forward to just chilling at home Friday - I’d deal with it. But did I resent her for that – no. I accepted that that was who she was because I loved her.

 

Why could she not accept me for who I was for the sake of the marriage, the kids, the vows she made?!?

 

Should we have communicated better – absolutely. Lesson learned. Unfortunately, it’s a devastatingly painful lesson that is affecting my innocent children.

 

It’s not your husband’s fault you resent him. It’s not his fault you lost your love – at best it’s both your fault and at worst it’s yours. So put the anger away. You have no right to be angry about the choice you’re making.

Edited May 8, 2013 by LIFE.GOES.wrONg

[cozycottagelg]

cozycottagelg, this anger really hits home for me – I was amazed in therapy when my wife – a women I loved to death, the woman who decided to blow up the family we’d built – was angry at *me*. Angry at me because of who I was.

 

My wife is a planner/organizer. I am not. That is who we are. There is nothing wrong with not being a person who likes to plan things – it’s part of who I am just like my height and eye color. Is it wrong that my eyes are brown? Unfortunately, eye color and height are easily noticed. Not being someone who likes to plan things is something she had to learn about me and me about her.

 

I can recognize that she resented me for not being as involved in the things she planned. But it goes both ways. I didn’t resent her for not be more laid back.

 

Sometimes she’d call me on a Thursday and tell me we were entertaining a dinner party on Friday night. Didn’t ask me, and frankly, it wouldn’t have mattered because I would have said yes because (I thought) that is what she needed to be happy – *I* was trying to be the perfect husband. If I was having a bad week and was looking forward to just chilling at home Friday - I’d deal with it. But did I resent her for that – no. I accepted that that was who she was because I loved her.

 

Why could she not accept me for who I was for the sake of the marriage, the kids, the vows she made?!?

 

Should we have communicated better – absolutely. Lesson learned. Unfortunately, it’s a devastatingly painful lesson that is affecting my innocent children.

 

It’s not your husband’s fault you resent him. It’s not his fault you lost your love – at best it’s both your fault and at worst it’s yours. So put the anger away. You have no right to be angry about the choice you’re making.

 

I could get behind this if he was only being selfish with his time with me. I understand that we aren't the same person and don't like the same thing, and I am perfectly fine with that. There are things he enjoys that I do not, and doing my own thing is not something I have a problem with, at all. I love to be alone. But am I angry that he chose to be selfish when it came to spending time as a family, with the children? Absolutely I'm angry. I don't like kids birthday parties (in general)..I don't like grocery shopping with kids (takes longer), I don't like parent teacher conferences, or dentist and doctors appointments. I don't like finding babysitters or playdates...but you know what, I signed up for all of that when I decided to have a baby. Because when you have kids, your selfish days are over and you suck it up and you do what you are supposed to do as a parent. He didn't do that. So yeah, I'm angry. I'm resentful. And yes, he's changing, and great for him...but it doesn't mean I can instantly regain my feelings and love for him because he realizes so long after the fact. And I don't think his wife, or ANYONE for that matter should have to explain to an adult that they need to take responsibililty for their kids.

 

Could I have said "take your kid to their appointment" "come to this birthday party?" "go to the parent teacher conference"...absolutely, but those things seem so ridiculously obvious things a person does when they have kids. I can't just let go of a decade of selfishness because now he doesn't want me to leave. I wasn't worth being a better husband and father for before all this? He is 10 years older than I am, way more "grown up" but chose not to act it. So yes. I'm pissed. And honestly, seeing a counselor is going to raise all of these feelings moreso than it will calm me down, I am sure of that.

[Gunny376]

I seen the problems that you have primarily born out of frustration built up over many, many years and the root cause being:

 

"What we have here! Is a failure to communicate!"

 

Its already been established that your of the "conflict avoidance" type, which you yourself find so troubling and confusing, when your not like that in other settings such as with friends, other family members, and in your professional life?

 

But those are all other relationships in your life in which you play other roles and in which other dynamics come into play. This is totally different from that which one would have with a spouse/partner.

 

Men and women ~ physically differences aside (and even there not as much as one would think) men and women are about 80 or more more similar than disimilar? And that's mentally, emotionally, pyschologically, etc. (Although men have had a lot of that culturally, socially, and religiously programed out of them as to how a man is suppose to walk, talk, act in order to be a man ~ Ref: "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex, and Women Don't Get Enough Love!" and "Why Men Don't Have A Clue And Women Need Another Pair Of Shoes"

 

But the 20% or so differene that does exsist between you a-typical man and women is hugh! Its very much a case of where "a little is a a lot!"

 

The biggest is how men and women's brains are literall wired differently. Ref: National Geographic's Feb 2006 edition of "The Chemistry Of Love!" and American Scientific's Feb 2012 article on the same.

 

I believe in addition to IC and MC if both you and your husband were to educate yourself as to the differece MO's men and women have in just communicating that regardles of whether you stay together or not ~ you would both benefit. To that end I would suggest reading "GenderSpeak" and "You Just Dont Understand!"

 

The reason you listed for wanting to leave your husband ~ were in 20/20 hindsight the reasons for the disolution of my own marriage and I believe that of many others.

 

Although not necessarly specfic your own situtation its implies strongly to your.

(I'm not suggesting you wanted to go out to bars etc ~ but rather the disconnect between you and the husband)

 

In my own my own case my situation with the XHEX was situational and only tempoary (even though it lasted over the course of five years) in that it related to my being re-assigned (Yet again) to the Drill Field at Parris Island, South Carolina. I won't bore you with the rigors and demands of such, but its a very stressfull job and very demanding.

 

There also was the childood family dynamic that played into it ~ and I would suggest you take a good and long hard look at his childhood and how his family interacted, how he was raised, and what his and their "norm" was. His being the way he has been (implied that he can change) could be prefectlly "normal" in his "world" while totally and completely "abnormal" in yours?

 

I would stongly suggest that you think long and hard before you "throw the baby out with the dirty bathwater!"

[Act Two]

I could get behind this if he was only being selfish with his time with me. I understand that we aren't the same person and don't like the same thing, and I am perfectly fine with that. There are things he enjoys that I do not, and doing my own thing is not something I have a problem with, at all. I love to be alone. But am I angry that he chose to be selfish when it came to spending time as a family, with the children? Absolutely I'm angry. I don't like kids birthday parties (in general)..I don't like grocery shopping with kids (takes longer), I don't like parent teacher conferences, or dentist and doctors appointments. I don't like finding babysitters or playdates...but you know what, I signed up for all of that when I decided to have a baby. Because when you have kids, your selfish days are over and you suck it up and you do what you are supposed to do as a parent. He didn't do that. So yeah, I'm angry. I'm resentful. And yes, he's changing, and great for him...but it doesn't mean I can instantly regain my feelings and love for him because he realizes so long after the fact. And I don't think his wife, or ANYONE for that matter should have to explain to an adult that they need to take responsibililty for their kids.

 

Could I have said "take your kid to their appointment" "come to this birthday party?" "go to the parent teacher conference"...absolutely, but those things seem so ridiculously obvious things a person does when they have kids. I can't just let go of a decade of selfishness because now he doesn't want me to leave. I wasn't worth being a better husband and father for before all this? He is 10 years older than I am, way more "grown up" but chose not to act it. So yes. I'm pissed. And honestly, seeing a counselor is going to raise all of these feelings moreso than it will calm me down, I am sure of that.

 

A couple of things to consider- you need to work on your communication skills. Why did it take 10 years for you to say, "What the hell are you doing with your time instead of helping to raise your family?" That's a start in working on being upfront with your communication skills and confronting problems rather than stuffing them.

 

Again, I say this because the kids are worth the time to work on at least yourself in counseling.

 

Secondly, another thing to think about is how you will manage as a single parent. I know that I have my kids about 50/50 (more like 60%, but still). The times I don't have them I miss them, and the times I do have them I am overwhelmed and exhausted because juggling three busy and active kids, a household and a dog is no joke on top of a job. So if your biggest point of contention is that he didn't help, well now you won't get your kids half of the time, and the half you have them you will still not get help.

[trippi1432]

Cozy - the counselor will help you learn how to deal with this anger you have for your husband.

 

Look, there are a lot of people on this forum who know of my situation over 3 years ago. Everything you just posted was my marriage, but add in belittling, narcissist , alcoholic and abusive husband. Our last "fight" was last year when our son wound up in ICU...even divorced, he wouldn't take his son to the doctor which was literally 2 blocks from his house. I had to take three hours off work to take him. This was just how he always was and yes, it was frustrating and I resented him, until I learned the only thing I have any control over is me. Now I didn't leave him, he chose to leave and took right up with another woman.

 

His idea of a play date was taking the kids when I was working a fourteen hour day to his drinking buddy's house. I would get a phone call later that he had locked himself in his truck or got into a fight and the police were there. His idea of finally working on things and stepping up in the relationship was that we needed to spend more time together...that equated to him playing You Tubes videos of 80's tunes, once calling me downto share in a little GnR's Used to Love her but I had to Kill her tune. You want to know an angry woman who felt cheated out of 15 years of her life and the kids robbed of a better life...yup, that would be me.

 

Yes, divorce was the right thing in my case. Yes, I had hope that maybe one day he would wake up. I could point blank tell him the issues and it was like taking to a three year old. Yes, there are men like this out there with many more ailments that any one woman can take on.

 

Now I'm not telling you this to say mine was worse...etc. but I bet we could get right down to exactly what the underlying issue is....fear. He is changing, he is trying, why now...why couldn't he have done that before?? But the real one I'm betting is that you worry if you don't stand on your decision, what to do if these changes are only temporary and he goes right back to those things again. Anger that he is doing the right things now, but fear it won't last. I know that one too, every time my ex made promises but didn't keep them. Alcoholics don't keep them, but where do you think your husbands integrity is on that? Where is the foundation of the marriage on that?

[Musubi]

Cozy - I'm just curious, did he make the changes right away after you talked to him or took his sweet time?

[cozycottagelg]

When I first opened up, last summer, he was blown away. He literally said to me “I tell everyone that we are the perfect couple and I had no idea you felt this way”..and I was shocked by that statement. How could he not know? Furthermore, how could he not know that his behaviors would make me feel resentful?

 

When I say that I didn’t communicate properly, I mean, eventually I got sick of asking for his company, just to have him make up an excuse. That gets so very tiring. He always knew I was upset when he would choose to skip out on something I was going to. It didn’t change his decisions the next time around, he did what he wanted to do regardless.

 

I think the reason I am having such a hard time is because I know he is a great person, I know he is. I know that he is a good husband and a good father. My fear is that he isn’t a good match for me anymore.

 

This is probably a very lazy attitude, but sometimes, I don’t want to have to ask. I don’t want him to go places with me so that I won’t be mad, I want him to go because he wants to be there  I don’t want to turn him into something he’s not for my benefit. Especially not if my feelings are gone.

 

It just feels very crappy on my part, to see all these changes and not appreciate them. I try, I honestly do! We don’t fight, we don’t argue. We are friends. We email while we’re at work, if I see something funny online, he is the first person I want to send it to… but he isn’t the person at the end of the day, that I want to share a bed with. That is what hurts me.

 

I know I don’t communicate well, but I did try. Maybe I should have been more confident, but I was really young.

 

The shift in energy has changed completely at my house. It went from me being completely head over heels in love with this man and him being happy and loving me…to him being head over heels in love with me, and me being the less interested party. He jokes all the time how we have completely switched roles.

Edited May 8, 2013 by cozycottagelg