My story

[GuyInLimbo]

Tojaz, that's an incredibly insightful post. Really.

 

I think when I first joined here was basically the beginning of when I decided on an un-stoppable path. Admittedly, there have been moments of thinking if there was some way to stop the wall building and see if a fresh start was possible. I've been in IC for a month or so now, and in telling someone, actually saying what you feel, I realized that I really think my own path is the right one. As I said a while ago, if there was something "there" in the beginning, then there maybe SOMETHING to rescue. But even my therapist seemed surprised to hear how I just went with the flow despite my misgivings. There was no lust. Never been a lot of trust (I didn't mean that to rhyme, btw). Never much intimacy. I think that absolutely needs to be there.

 

Anyway, you provided some great food for thought for people.

[Act Two]

Tojaz, I want to thank you for your post.

 

I'm in the heart-breaking position of being a wayward that realized the value in her husband too late. I can't bring myself to call myself a walkaway wife because I believe I made many efforts (verbal and action-oriented) to beg my husband to stop lying to me. Over time I put up a wall so thick I couldn't imagine it coming down.

 

I never resolved myself to divorce him. At times I would feel that it was the only option, but the tug on my heart to keep the family intact for the children kept me in a state of sitting on the fence for years.

 

I did cheat on him, and am now remorseful. I suppose that I am now the villain in my story.

 

I post this, not to threadjack (well, hopefully not), but to express that for every man or woman who posts on this forum who is left, sometimes cruelly, there are sometimes those like cozy who are tortured by the decision. It is painful as well to live within the confines of those walls. It is a lonely place to live with resentment and not know how to stop.

 

I wish that I had made a thousand choices differently; I look for answers as to where my husband and I went wrong. I believe that while we are not in love with each other that deep down there is still a deep love or concern for each other and our children that still runs beneath the surface.

 

If he gave me another chance today I would seize it even as I still know that he has not made any changes within him to stop his destructive behavior. I would still want to try again but I pushed him too far.

 

At this point, I can only hope that we can detach from each other and start over.

 

Again, sorry for the t/j.

[tojaz]

Tojaz, I want to thank you for your post.

 

I'm in the heart-breaking position of being a wayward that realized the value in her husband too late. I can't bring myself to call myself a walkaway wife because I believe I made many efforts (verbal and action-oriented) to beg my husband to stop lying to me. Over time I put up a wall so thick I couldn't imagine it coming down.

 

I never resolved myself to divorce him. At times I would feel that it was the only option, but the tug on my heart to keep the family intact for the children kept me in a state of sitting on the fence for years.

 

I did cheat on him, and am now remorseful. I suppose that I am now the villain in my story.

 

I post this, not to threadjack (well, hopefully not), but to express that for every man or woman who posts on this forum who is left, sometimes cruelly, there are sometimes those like cozy who are tortured by the decision. It is painful as well to live within the confines of those walls. It is a lonely place to live with resentment and not know how to stop.

 

I wish that I had made a thousand choices differently; I look for answers as to where my husband and I went wrong. I believe that while we are not in love with each other that deep down there is still a deep love or concern for each other and our children that still runs beneath the surface.

 

If he gave me another chance today I would seize it even as I still know that he has not made any changes within him to stop his destructive behavior. I would still want to try again but I pushed him too far.

 

At this point, I can only hope that we can detach from each other and start over.

 

Again, sorry for the t/j.

 

Stories like these rarely have the clear cut heroes and villains that we would like hem to. He made mistakes, you made mistakes. It's what happens after that matters.

 

TOJAZ

[ALAACJ]

I have been reading this thread for the last several days and have been holding off on my reply. You sound just like my wife right now, completely disengaged and no hope to get back in it. However, when I hear what your husband has done, I think what a deadbeat, I would/could never be like that. I am dying to know what horrible things I have done to drive my wife to this cold state, but all I get is I am not attracted to you and I am not in love with you and there is probably nothing you could have done different to change my opinion. Now, I have no delusions of grandeur, but I am in great shape and am far from being unattractive. I have also put my kids and family first in all accounts, often being the one taking them to dance class, gymnastics, coaching their soccer teams, teaching them at bible school. I wish I had a rational explanation like what you are giving here. Given that, I still think you have a choice here. Love is more than a feeling it is a choice. If you choose to love him, those feelings can come back.

[tinam]

My heart is hurting so bad as I read most of these replies. I couldnt even get through some because its just sad. Im the one one on the other end though. My husband came home 3 night ago and said he was leaving that he hasn't been happy for some time. But i was blindsiughted. Hearing what some say maybe he was just coming home and going through the motions and thats heartbreaking! And very hard to believe. We were always affectionate. Great sex life. We were one of those coupled other couples hated. Holding hands even in the car. How do you fake all that? Here i am thinking i have a great marriage. Look toward to being with him thought he felt the same them bad. Blindsighted with im not happy important leaving oh and btw cheated on you too far.How are you married to someone for 15 years think you know them. Mine and my kids lives are turned upside down you. I can barely breath and really don't know how to handle this. Sorry mine turned into a little vent fest . Its very raw and to hear other people say what he could be thinking is devistating to me.

[Changeofhabbit]

I am one of these men who is ready to pass the news to my wife that we should separate. It does not make me a selffish person or a bad person. We are both unhappy with how we exist from day to day. She a very negative person and needs to control everything. I found I am much happy when she is not around. Now and then she will surprise me and smile and talk to me in a friendly way but it is rare. There is no sex, or intimacy in our relationship. In the past I have always and I mean always started that part.

 

So here I was unhappy, existing, in my sexless marriage. I admit to the readers I had a brief affair of which I will never tell her about. It was a mistake and I will not start a new relationship again until separation agreement is signed. Now I know their are many readers that will say "see you are a jerk" . No, I am not but I admit it was wrong and I should not have fallen into this behavior without a separation agreement.

 

We are simply a couple that have drifted apart and I am not willing to spend the rest of my life this way. Kids are the only reason I have stayed for the last 10 years. Though my kids want us to stay together I believe they will adjust fine and in the long run rather have two happy parents apart then two very unhappy ones.

 

She has threatened separation of few times. Having said the above I believe for what ever reason she does not really want a divorce. Some kind of inner pride or something or hidden feelings for me. I see divorce it as best for both of us. Again I believe the kids will be better off in the long run. Books have not helped. I don't believe counselling will either. I am done.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

I have been reading this thread for the last several days and have been holding off on my reply. You sound just like my wife right now, completely disengaged and no hope to get back in it. However, when I hear what your husband has done, I think what a deadbeat, I would/could never be like that. I am dying to know what horrible things I have done to drive my wife to this cold state, but all I get is I am not attracted to you and I am not in love with you and there is probably nothing you could have done different to change my opinion.

 

ALAACJ, maybe you did nothing wrong. Maybe your wife has the problem.

[trippi1432]

 

That's my long answer, short answer... A person needs to be brave enough to be vulnerable and risk being disappointed, and understand that the possible reward is worth the risk.

 

"The Wall"

 

Just like it went up, slowly, deliberately, and one brick at a time.

 

TOJAZ

 

Just had to reiterate this because the bricks fall in a marriage when two people connect. The problem is typically the connection, and the wall is going to be there forever unless someone concedes.

[Oberfeldwebel]

After reading this post it seems that most of your relationship was more of a parent - child relationship than a husband - wife relationship. His behavior appears to be that of a spoiled child that you appeared to allow him to have his way, to the detriment of the relationship.

 

There is a conflict here that I can't quite grasp. You state he is a good husband and father, but does not want to spend time with me and the children. I do everything and he just sits at home unattached. Ok which is it, in what way is he a good husband and father?

 

The bottom line is this, IF it really doesn't matter what he says or does, than what are you waiting for? Bad new never gets better with age, so just pull off the band-aid as quick as you can. However, don't think that will be an immediate fix. You husband will not be happy, he will beg and plead for you to stay. When he finds that you are truly gone and he is out he will likely become resentful to you. Don't expect him to be your friend or buddy, you will be his children's mother and he needs to be amicable for that fact only. The children will be hurt and possibly resentful of both of you for not doing a better job. I am not implying that you have to stay for them or you are not entitled to happiness, just that the end game of a relationship never ends as you expect.

 

Personally, I think that you owe it to your children, husband and yourself to at least give counselling a try before you throw in the towel. Additionally, if you want someone to do something say so. Don't imply, hint or beat around the bush, just say it and then there is no question as to how you feel. If you want him to do something, don't enable him, tell him what you want him to do. Better to be a little blunt than misunderstood, I think you have already found this to be true with your conversations with your husband. I don't know that he is a good husband, as you say, but he may be salvageable. This will take work on both of your parts and much better communication. The marriage may not be saved in the end, but at least you won't leave with regrets.

Edited May 13, 2013 by Oberfeldwebel

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

cozycottagelg, any updates?