Parents

[Harlequin_Dog]

I need space to get this off my chest.

 

I really dislike the way my parents act. They really seem to lack any sort of logic, or emotional control and it's just driving me batty.

 

Some context:

I went NC with them after coming out, and revealing that I had been in a relationship with someone the hate. The NC lasted from last June until November, when they flew out to where I live to speak to me. Prior to agreeing to meet with them, they assured myself and a go-between that they only wanted to apologize for past behavior and reach out. Instead, when I showed up (and bought them a nice dinner too), they simply went on about how I was never welcome home again, and how they would never come see me in my new home state again, and that I had "ruined" everything for them.

 

I went NC again, as I was fed up with such childish behavior and could not take the panic attacks their words would send me into.

 

I broke NC again in Feb/March, and it backfired again. I tried calling to show an effort on my half, to see how they were doing. Instead, my father became livid with me, insisting that I was treating them horribly, and that they had never done anything wrong, and when on to PHYSICALLY THREATEN ME should I ever say otherwise about their 'skill' as parents. Needless to say, I was shell shocked. I tried seeing if he would step down from the threat and apologize (hoping maybe it was a major lapse in judgement in a moment of high emotion) but no such luck.

 

NC again for another month.

 

Finally, in April, I called again, this time they finally responded kindly. I think the fight was finally out of them, seeing as they couldn't threaten or upset me into doing what they wanted. From there I have allowed very limited contact on my terms.

 

But now I'm at the end of my rope again. I'm currently in a committed relationship- we're moving in together and getting engaged. I have made my parents somewhat aware of this. (They know we're getting a ring- I'm leaving the new apartment news until I have more mental fortitude built up.) They have reacted fairly well, which I am proud of them for being so mature in light of their past behavior.

 

This past Sunday though, they finally started to fall back into their old ways. My Mother started laying into me about how dare I not ask her all her thoughts on marriage/ engagement/ approval/ life/ etc. She also criticized my ability to hold a relationship, and how someone at my age couldn't know what commitment means.

 

Honestly, some of the comments are expected. I am young to be getting engaged- I am 21, and my partner is 28. However, I have had long term serious relationships before. I am no stranger to what commitment means.

 

I am more of just exasperated at her demands that I allow her to control my life. Part of why I went NC to begin with was because my mother was always extremely aggressive with me- she would routinely rip at me until I had a mental break down. I'm very acutely aware of how she operates, and I am in NO mood to have her attempt to control my relationship. She is already trying to control exactly when the engagement will occur- ALL on her terms, of course. And suggesting that I should hinge my future on their approval. Which is fantastically hilarious- before going NC, I attempted to please her and finally be the daughter she wanted. Part of this involved dating a person she approved of- a person who I found revolting, who would force me to say I loved him against my will, and would touch me against my will. My Mom, of course, saw nothing wrong with this. Though she now insists she never approved- now that I'm courageous enough to talk about it.

 

I just need a place for help. I feel obligated to be in their life- as they are my parents. And if a healthy relationship could occur, I wouldn't mind it. Though I think, for me, I would probably never enjoy it.

 

I just have no idea what to do anymore.

Edited May 7, 2013 by Harlequin_Dog

[Radu]

If you can be independent from your parents, be independent from them.

Feel free to write more of their behaviours here, it will help you vent.

 

 

PS: In this thread [ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/384397-letting-him-go ], you imply that you have been with your current bf for less than a yr.

Bf who is now either your fiance or future fiance.

You also mention that you still feel something for your ex.

I hope you thought this marriage thing through and are going for a somewhat longer engagement and not getting married pronto.

[Harlequin_Dog]

If you can be independent from your parents, be independent from them.

Feel free to write more of their behaviours here, it will help you vent.

 

 

PS: In this thread [ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/384397-letting-him-go ], you imply that you have been with your current bf for less than a yr.

Bf who is now either your fiance or future fiance.

You also mention that you still feel something for your ex.

I hope you thought this marriage thing through and are going for a somewhat longer engagement and not getting married pronto.

 

Hi Radu-

 

I can be independent for about 95% of everything, but a few things are still tied to them, such as life insurance.

 

For my current partner, we have been dating for the past 7 months, and have known each other for about 9 months. We plan on having the engagement last about 2 years right now, as I want ample time to plan things out and finish my last year of school/start grad school.

 

On my ex- I do feel bad things couldn't have worked, but it's a lot more centered on the loss of childhood that that specific relationship cost me. It gave me a lot of insight on myself, but also was extremely emotionally taxing. I'm not confused over emotions/wants, just allowing myself to process how I was treated.

 

I hope that helps with giving more backstory. I appreciate the comment though. <3 Any thoughts to mull over are good ones.