fortyninethousand322 Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 Not just kinda. That's the difference between the guy who gets the girl and the "nice guy." One has balls, the other doesn't. Well, I'm still waiting to earn mine. Sort of like Clarence in It's a Wonderful Life. Just not wings. And I'm not dead. Link to post Share on other sites
Jefezen Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 I used to be one of those nice guys who casually sits back, cautiously flirts in a borderline platonic way, and lets the woman worry about whether I'm interested and worth asking out. Sometimes this would work, but recently I realized that I'm probably narrowing the field way too much by not being the pursuer myself. Why should I invariably wait for women to approach me when I could be approaching them? In the last couple weeks I've switched to being the initiator and I'm having early success with it. It's still too soon to know for sure whether this trend will continue, however I'm getting plenty of numbers and first dates. I'm not being aggressive or rude, I'm still friendly and nice, just assertive. I insert myself into conversations, scope out the receptiveness, and decide whether to ask for a number, or at least a Facebook friend request. I can't say I'm too interested in any of these women, as I'm still foolishly obsessing over the one I woefully mishandled. I have to remember that practice breeds experience and experience breeds success. I'm going to continue to push myself to be nice guy assertive and hope I eventually get the desired results with a woman who would make me happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 This is what i'm talking about! I have been the "nice guy" waiting for the girl to show some interest before I ask for a number or date. But maybe I am missing the forest for the trees (the conversation itself is the interest). Would you much rather get asked out by the nice guy...he just need to actually make a move? In my case, yes. Then there's the guy that moved away and then told me that he regrets not having asked me out. But he wasn't asking me out with that either. I asked him why he didn't and was never given an answer... And I still don't know why he bothered to tell me that if he wasn't going to ask me out either. It was just... weird. Like most, I avoid embarrassment if he's not really interested. Link to post Share on other sites
BoneyHadger Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 Lesson: if you really want something, don't sit on your butt hoping somehow it will fall into your lap by itself and instead just go get it. News at 11, ain't it? Link to post Share on other sites
apple OR orange Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 theres some VERY VERY easy basic stuff going on here.... If your a guy remember this.. The defualt answer ALL women have will be "no". YOU have to change there mind, so nice guys will never ask for anything, therefore never get anything. Agressive guys will say "hey sexy, want sex" will have more luck than a nice guy as he will hit on the 1 girl in a pub / bar who will say yes just out of pure numbers. Dont ask, dont get, super basic. Link to post Share on other sites
Jefezen Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 Lesson: if you really want something, don't sit on your butt hoping somehow it will fall into your lap by itself and instead just go get it. News at 11, ain't it? Yes and no. You obviously need to step up to the plate and swing the bat if you're to have any hope of getting a hit. You also need to make sure you take prudent, pragmatic action with a reasonable probability of success. Swinging the bat, in and of itself, won't be sufficient. You need good pitch recognition, you need to adjust your timing, you need to hold the bat properly. There's such a thing as too courageous. I've made that mistake multiple times. I'd be too slow, too passive, wait for things to magically happen, and then when they didn't, I would get so desperate I would do something a little too over the top and squander it. I'd sabotage myself by either refusing to bat or by swinging so wildly the bat would go flying into the stands. You have to moderate your approach, assess your situation from a third person perspective, or actually find someone else to do the assessing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 Would you much rather get asked out by the nice guy...he just need to actually make a move? The answer to your question will vary from woman to woman, but one thing is for certain. If you don't make a move, you will never know if she would have said yes or not. To your original question, absolutely. Girls are insecure too, and it is common for a girl to just assume a guy isn't into her if he doesn't flirt or ask for her number or something. Link to post Share on other sites
BoneyHadger Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 Yes and no. You obviously need to step up to the plate and swing the bat if you're to have any hope of getting a hit. You also need to make sure you take prudent, pragmatic action with a reasonable probability of success. Swinging the bat, in and of itself, won't be sufficient. You need good pitch recognition, you need to adjust your timing, you need to hold the bat properly. There's such a thing as too courageous. I've made that mistake multiple times. I'd be too slow, too passive, wait for things to magically happen, and then when they didn't, I would get so desperate I would do something a little too over the top and squander it. I'd sabotage myself by either refusing to bat or by swinging so wildly the bat would go flying into the stands. You have to moderate your approach, assess your situation from a third person perspective, or actually find someone else to do the assessing. That kinda proves my point. You found out you have to moderate it after striking out a few times. If you didn't do anything instead, are you sure you'd be in the same place you are now when it comes to that issue and not clouded by some what if's? Doubt it. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 There's such a thing as too courageous. I've made that mistake multiple times. I'd be too slow, too passive, wait for things to magically happen, and then when they didn't, I would get so desperate I would do something a little too over the top and squander it. I'd sabotage myself by either refusing to bat or by swinging so wildly the bat would go flying into the stands. You have to moderate your approach, assess your situation from a third person perspective, or actually find someone else to do the assessing. Very true. The key (IMO) is to start slowly and ramp it up. You start with a simple smile. Does she smile back? Then a conversation, simple and friendly. You add in a few funny comments. If she laughs, or jokes back with you, you add in a little flirting. If she responds, add a little more. You get in her personal space a little. Stand really closely to her. If she backs away, she likely isn't into you. If she stays very close to you or moves in, you are probably golden in asking for her number or whatever your plan is for taking it to the next level. You want to make your interest clear, but not push her to a point where she is uncomfortable. Small steps, waiting for her to respond at each step. And keep taking those small steps all the way to the bedroom (or the altar, depending on your intentions). Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 Yes and no. You obviously need to step up to the plate and swing the bat if you're to have any hope of getting a hit. You also need to make sure you take prudent, pragmatic action with a reasonable probability of success. Swinging the bat, in and of itself, won't be sufficient. You need good pitch recognition, you need to adjust your timing, you need to hold the bat properly. There's such a thing as too courageous. I've made that mistake multiple times. I'd be too slow, too passive, wait for things to magically happen, and then when they didn't, I would get so desperate I would do something a little too over the top and squander it. I'd sabotage myself by either refusing to bat or by swinging so wildly the bat would go flying into the stands. You have to moderate your approach, assess your situation from a third person perspective, or actually find someone else to do the assessing. But, you don't need to swing the bat to work a walk and get on base. I mean that's Moneyball right? Link to post Share on other sites
NGC1300 Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Actually, most women do not want to marry a player or bad boy. LOL. There's men women love, and there's men women want to love. That's why they'll marry the later, but sleep around with the former. Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 So I saw this comment from a girl in another thread: It might be obvious to some, but this really made me think... Let's say we're at a bar. Does a girl show more interest in a guy that might be a bit of a douche, but is aggressive and makes his intentions known instead of a "nice guy" because she can't figure out if he interested or just being nice? Would that nice guy get more numbers than the aggressive guy if he just made his intentions known instead of being overly nice and hoping the girl would just give him her number or make her intentions known? Does a girl not like to make the first move when talking with the "nice guy" because she doesn't want to risk being embarrassed if he truly is just being nice and not really interested? Help me out here girls! Thanks! No. Plenty of nice guys DO ask girls out. Girls don't like guys unless they make her feel a certain way. Bad boys evoke emotions. That's why women like them. Sorry to burst your bubble, but this girl is just making excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
shiver23 Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 No. Sorry to burst your bubble, but this girl is just making excuses. HoneyBadgerDontCare, your cynicism is getting old. I don't know what in your personal life has made you so bitter towards being a nice assertive guy, but it's not helpful. You seem to really hate girls... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 According to I Killed Cupid's post, I am a textbook "Nice Guy"... Link to post Share on other sites
shiver23 Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Through his ACTIONS and his words, you will know exactly where you stand, what you mean to him, where things are headed, what his intentions are, etc. You will feel safe, secure and comfortable. The only thing your "gut" and "head" will be telling you is.... Not to not mess it up! So what do you do when the authentic man leaves you due to timing and tells you not to wait for him/expect to reconnect later on? ... God you described my ex boyfriend to a T. So self-actualized. .... maybe I should make another thread. Link to post Share on other sites
CptSaveAho Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Most guys on this forum are "Nice Guys" Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 The 'nice' guys thing is just a piece of bs made up by jealous saps who can't get girls and assume anyone who does is a player. Plenty of nice guys do get girls and don't whine about the 'bad boys'. Or, what you just said is a bunch of BS made up by someone who can't stand the possibility that a whole segment of the male population lives by real and demonstrably higher standards than you do. And so to defend your own base nature, you pretend higher standards don't exist. And amusingly, fall back on the tired, animal refrain that the only meaningful measure of manhood is a count of how many female holes into which the man has inserted his penis. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) Is it irritating when men subconsciously pigeon-hole themselves in this fashion by ranging from both extremes and never reaching a comfortable medium? Or simply some people are that one-dimensional overall?.... I think the situation that Star mentioned is very specific - a bar. Most of the time, when you hit up a random bar, you gotta work your magic by the end of the night or you start all over again. You're unlikely to meet these people again. If those guys were approaching in places where they'd actually meet the woman regularly - clubs, charities, college, work (controversial, depends on the workplace), etc, there should be no issue with only having friendly chats at first, and then asking the woman out later. It's really a matter of differing styles and seeking people and circumstances who match them. Some guys make amazing boyfriends (and I'm saying this because they have actually had girlfriends and I have seen how they treated them; my bf and exes are also similar; I don't believe claims of people who say they'll be excellent bfs but have no proof to their claims) but just don't succeed in the club/bar scene for this reason. They knew this and played to their strengths, getting to know women in other environments where they could take their time instead of going against their style and trying to get her number in one night. Edited May 8, 2013 by Elswyth 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 The guy who makes no moves does not necessarily qualify as "nice," and the guy who does is ot automatically a "douche." To wit: http://chainsawsuit.com/comics/20120806.png 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 HoneyBadgerDontCare, your cynicism is getting old. I don't know what in your personal life has made you so bitter towards being a nice assertive guy, but it's not helpful. You seem to really hate girls... I don't hate girls. In fact, I have a girlfriend. I'm also not "bitter towards being a nice assertive guy." Do what you want. It's just not as effective though. I just have enough experience to see through the BS. Link to post Share on other sites
apple OR orange Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Most guys on this forum are "Nice Guys" Its the internet "nice guys" invented this, be happy your allowed to stay here, its a total nice guy invention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jma500 Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Since when when does passive equal not having a backbone or unconfident? Imo this is a real stretch. Passive means laid back, go with the flow, not giving a sh@t. I am generally passive. The latter three examples describe me yet i have confidence. My photography is basically the only thing that i am not passive about. Link to post Share on other sites
CptSaveAho Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Since when when does passive equal not having a backbone or unconfident? Imo this is a real stretch. Passive means laid back, go with the flow, not giving a sh@t. I am generally passive. The latter three examples describe me yet i have confidence. My photography is basically the only thing that i am not passive about. Urban Dictionary: passive aggressive A defense mechanism that allows people who aren't comfortable being openly aggressive get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them. aka not having a backbone/unconfident Link to post Share on other sites
Buttercup84 Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 So I saw this comment from a girl in another thread: It might be obvious to some, but this really made me think... Let's say we're at a bar. Does a girl show more interest in a guy that might be a bit of a douche, but is aggressive and makes his intentions known instead of a "nice guy" because she can't figure out if he interested or just being nice? Would that nice guy get more numbers than the aggressive guy if he just made his intentions known instead of being overly nice and hoping the girl would just give him her number or make her intentions known? Does a girl not like to make the first move when talking with the "nice guy" because she doesn't want to risk being embarrassed if he truly is just being nice and not really interested? Help me out here girls! Thanks! I wrote that It is true, some men are too respectful and do not make it clear enough. Sometimes a guy is just nice towards women because he was raised that way. Some men walk women home look after them etc because they respect women. Does not mean that they like us. Link to post Share on other sites
jma500 Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Urban Dictionary: passive aggressive aka not having a backbone/unconfident Thanks for defining passive aggressive however i used the word passive only. They are NOT the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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