Victim of two rapes and a few abusive relationships afterward, emotionally exhausted.

[stephgabriele]

I feel like I recently got slapped in the face. I was raped by a former coworker when I was 19-20. This was after my first relationship ever. I had moved in with someone when I was 18 and he relapsed into heroin again. He had mentally made me feel crazy because I always knew something was going on. My money was stolen and he forced me to hold up a sign on the road for money. He stabbed me with a needle while freaking out. He moved out of state with his Mother and left me to clean the apartment and from what I hear he is clean and has been. Back to my old coworker. I was very unhappy and I admit it, I had led him to believe I was sort of interested. But one day I went to his home for the first time and right when I walked into his room he forced me into things I didn't want to be part of. I made it very clear. He got fired from our job shortly after for throwing a chair at a coworker.

 

My life spiraled from there. I am drawn to men that are potentially dangerous. I started binge drinking and sleeping around. I turned 21 and went out to clubs. Driving drunk, being an all around selfish horrible person. Last summer I started hanging out with a man that had just gotten out of prison. He had just gotten out of a 20 year sentence and he is only 33 right now. He was the bouncer to a club and would always try to talk to me. One day I was blacked out and called him and let him have his way with me at a motel. I am so ashamed. Afterward, I had realized how insane he was. He would show up at my work. He would threaten me, physically hurt me, thinking I liked it. One day I walked out of my work place and he was waiting for me. Scared out of my mind I got into his car and he drove somewhere where he repeatively slammed my head into the car door and raped me. Telling me the reason why he had to do this was because it was every prisoner's fantasy to rape a cop's daughter. This scarred me for life. I think about it and I can't breathe. If someone goes near me I jump. If someone looks like this man, I have to physically run because I get so scared.

 

I just started going to a therapist and told her about the last rape. I literally blacked out the whole time I talked and I remember nothing. If you're a victim how did you prepare yourself to speak to someone? Did you go on medication? How did you cope with friendships/relationships?

 

I swear all I want is a hug at this exact moment.

Sorry for the overshare. It's the only way I can cope sometimes.

[stephgabriele]

I guess I should also add I barely drink anymore. I feel like the moment I quit all of this hit me because I had been binging to forget. Now I have to deal with it one day at a time instead of blocking everything out. Blocking everything out is not healthy at all.

[Tree_Salmon]

Too bad you can't PM.

 

I know a few people drawn to dangerous situations. I'm sure there's plenty of reasons for it but at least you're going to therapy about it. I was drawn to unhealthy female relationships for a long time so I kind of understand.

 

The important thing is to figure out why you do the things you do and how to stay out of that world.

 

Not all of us are horrible dudes.

[amaysngrace]

Do you have an appointment already set? I'd do that today if I were you.

 

See if there is a women's shelter nearby that offers counseling. They are good at helping with what you're dealing with.

[stephgabriele]

Too bad you can't PM.

 

I know a few people drawn to dangerous situations. I'm sure there's plenty of reasons for it but at least you're going to therapy about it. I was drawn to unhealthy female relationships for a long time so I kind of understand.

 

The important thing is to figure out why you do the things you do and how to stay out of that world.

 

Not all of us are horrible dudes.

 

 

Yeah, I've come to realize that a lot of wonderful men have tried to get to know me and I kind of shut them out because I am not used to getting treated nicely. I've been writing down traits I gravitate toward and traits that I shut out and it's been helping me see on paper what I am missing.

[Seductive]

Sending a hug to the op!

[Tinie]

Sending plenty hugs here as well! <3

[Seachelle1]

Hey Stephanie,

 

I am so sorry for all you've been through.

 

What you're describing is PTSD which I also have. If it is confirmed that you have it by a therapist then you can start your road to healing with his/her help. It's a hard road but I am telling you that there is hope at the end. Life is beautiful and you will taste that beauty again someday. Hold onto that knowledge and don't let go.

 

There have been times I am unable to go out of my house for the fear. A month of continuous flashbacks after a horrible breakup triggered me is what ultimately brought me here. I'd hide in my closet while hyperventilating and cut myself to release the pain, fear, and self-loathing.

 

I've gone to counseling on and off, sometimes for a year, two years at a stretch and then take a break. Right now during this particular episode I've been going to counseling for almost two months now and I have gotten better each day. It gets better.

 

The issues you are describing with men is a lot like my own. One of the things my therapist did with me yesterday is make a list of how my exes got continuously nicer each one I chose. I went from guys who tried to kill me, to a raging alcoholic who would hit on me a little while drunk to an emotionally unavailable child who wouldn't hit me if the world were falling down to my fwb right now who talks things through with me but also has some faults and sometimes toes my own boundaries. See how it gets better the more healing I receive?

 

Another thing my therapist goes over with me is how I can create healthy boundaries and accept a life for myself that I believe I deserve. That helps the ugly mean people to drop off. If you go through my posts you can see that I stopped talking to a few people who I felt crossed my boundaries on this forum as a way to create boundaries. I've also done that in RL.

 

Hugs! I will come back later if you want to hear more, I have to go now. I so care and understand! Talking to you helps me, too, to reinforce what my therapist has helped me see and understand.

[stephgabriele]

Hey Stephanie,

 

I am so sorry for all you've been through.

 

What you're describing is PTSD which I also have. If it is confirmed that you have it by a therapist then you can start your road to healing with his/her help. It's a hard road but I am telling you that there is hope at the end. Life is beautiful and you will taste that beauty again someday. Hold onto that knowledge and don't let go.

 

There have been times I am unable to go out of my house for the fear. A month of continuous flashbacks after a horrible breakup triggered me is what ultimately brought me here. I'd hide in my closet while hyperventilating and cut myself to release the pain, fear, and self-loathing.

 

I've gone to counseling on and off, sometimes for a year, two years at a stretch and then take a break. Right now during this particular episode I've been going to counseling for almost two months now and I have gotten better each day. It gets better.

 

The issues you are describing with men is a lot like my own. One of the things my therapist did with me yesterday is make a list of how my exes got continuously nicer each one I chose. I went from guys who tried to kill me, to a raging alcoholic who would hit on me a little while drunk to an emotionally unavailable child who wouldn't hit me if the world were falling down to my fwb right now who talks things through with me but also has some faults and sometimes toes my own boundaries. See how it gets better the more healing I receive?

 

Another thing my therapist goes over with me is how I can create healthy boundaries and accept a life for myself that I believe I deserve. That helps the ugly mean people to drop off. If you go through my posts you can see that I stopped talking to a few people who I felt crossed my boundaries on this forum as a way to create boundaries. I've also done that in RL.

 

Hugs! I will come back later if you want to hear more, I have to go now. I so care and understand! Talking to you helps me, too, to reinforce what my therapist has helped me see and understand.

 

Wow, your words meant the world to me, thank you so much. I have recently started hanging out with a man that has PTSD (nothing really romantic) from being in Afghanistan. He is not getting help and it is a serious eye opener for me. I look at him and it's almost like he is possessed. I don't want to end up like that. As detached as I am I am excited to go on the road of recovery and start feeling better.

[Seachelle1]

Steph,

 

Untreated PTSD is pretty awful, agreed. My auntie survived WW2 death camps and she wasn't nice to me. It could have been PTSD. I was terrified of her. I know we present to the world badly (assuming you do have it, I am no psychologist but I do know about rape and PTSD from deep personal experience) but we are good people.

 

I responded horribly to my ex when he moved next door to me. I was inconsolable and hyperventilating through part of confronting him. I knocked on his door, he came out and I backed away, put my arms up and was breathless from fear when I started talking to him! I confronted him because I felt I needed to see that it was really just in my head, that he wouldn't hurt me. I needed to survive just that weekend before I saw my therapist on Tuesday. I know I came across like a psycho ex to him and his new girlfriend but I know in my heart I was just trying to survive and I forgive myself for being inappropriate.

 

In my defense, he knew I was going through a tough time. He did some cruel things that would upset anyone and probably trigger anyone with PTSD. Some of the things I've done, though! They make me cringe! It is a process to move forward.

 

You and I, we will not give up. We will keep going and we will get better!

 

If you need anything, just write on the board or pm. I may not get to it immediately but I'll get to it in 48 hours.

 

Incidentally, I live fairly close to Seattle and have family there. I could even ask my own center about good counseling recs and do some legwork for you.

[CarrieT]

Steph - I am a triple rape victim and know very well the destructive path that often seems easier to take.

 

Even after several therapists, I have huge black holes in my memory. Some therapists recommend regressive techniques to deal with not remembering everything, but I have reached a healthy point in my life where I have an astonishingly great relationship (it took me 48-some years to get there), and can only heartily recommend you stay with therapy.

 

I have been suicidal, regressive, closeted, and have often felt like the world would never be right again. If you believe there *is* light at the end of the tunnel, than know you will be able to feel love and acceptance again - and that there IS healing...

 

Like you, I went through periods of massive destructive behaviour - both personally and in horrible relationships. Just know that you are not alone. It does get better!

 

<<<< HUGS >>>>

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't feel like disclosing my entire past history with PTSD, suffice to say that most of it childhood-related.

 

EMDR therapy helped immensely.

[Seachelle1]

Me too. EMDR. Thanks dreamingoftigers. Thanks for being here and always being kind. It means something.

[BetheButterfly]

I am so sorry for all you've gone through.

 

While reading, I got so furious I just saw red, because how those "men" treated you is downright horrible. I had to walk away for a few minutes to calm down.

 

First of all, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT THESE MEN RAPED YOU. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT THESE MEN DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE AND RESPECT YOU OR OTHER WOMEN.

 

It is their fault.

 

It makes me so angry how so many men don't love and respect women. Rape and stealing from you and forcing you to hold a sign for $ and stabbing you is completely disrespectful and unloving.

 

There is nothing loving in any of those actions. There is nothing respectful in any of those actions. These "men" have serious issues and it makes me so angry that they hurt you. :mad:

 

Please don't be sorry for sharing. I personally want to see these "men" get a fair and just trial and face consequences for their crimes against you.

 

I am glad you are going to a therapist. You are AWESOME! Never forget that. I wish I could give you a hug. Hugs!

[BetheButterfly]

I guess I should also add I barely drink anymore. I feel like the moment I quit all of this hit me because I had been binging to forget. Now I have to deal with it one day at a time instead of blocking everything out. Blocking everything out is not healthy at all.

 

I know drinking can seem to numb one's pain, but it doesn't get to the root of what is hurting. I guess it's like a bandaid.

 

I agree please see about other ways to feel in peace. Music, enjoying nature, and meditating are great ways that do not hurt your body like binging does.