Brief Separation... Now what?

[hastha]

My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years and we have to children, 5 and 16 months. Currently, I'm a stay at home mom while he works second shift.

 

Long story as short as possible: I've been unhappy for a long time, which he's aware of. We've fought a lot, tried to resolve a lot, but it seems like we always circle back. We fight, promise things will change, and nothing ever does.

 

Recently, we made the joint decision to try separating for a while. It was honestly the most we'd conversed in a while. We even laughed a lot while talking, which I found almost amusing -the only time we've gotten along in a while is when we were discussing a separation. The deal was that I would stay at my parents' house a couple of nights a week, and the rest of the time, he would be at his brother's house. I kept my part of the deal and spent my two nights that first week at my parents' place. But then that's when things ended. He decided he didn't want to stay with his brother, and that's the last I've heard of it. We've been back in the same house ever since.

 

We had another long, and again very open and friendly discussion about us. He says he wants to work on things, but I'm not sure how much there is to really work on. We are fundamentally different people, which we didn't really realize when we got married. We rushed into marriage BIG TIME, though that's neither here nor there now since we ARE married with children now. He is a devout Christian, I am newly-discovered atheist. I respect his decisions and his beliefs, but I feel like that creates an irreparable chasm in our relationship, and I'm not sure how there can be a way around it.

 

We've both decided that we want, above all else, to be civil about everything. His parents, though still married, detest each other, and we don't want to stubbornly stay married if we shouldn't and end up like that. His brother also recently went through a very contentious divorce, and he and his ex-wife hate each other. Even if we decide that we shouldn't be together, we don't want to let things get to the point where we loathe each other; we want to still be able to parent together in a friendly manner, for the sake of our kids.

 

I'm not sure what, if anything, is the "point" of this post, other than to get things "out there" and hopefully discuss some things with someone who might understand or be able to shed some new light.

 

Thanks for reading!

Edited May 7, 2013 by hastha

[Mr. Lucky]

Long story as short as possible: I've been unhappy for a long time, which he's aware of. We've fought a lot, tried to resolve a lot, but it seems like we always circle back. We fight, promise things will change, and nothing ever does.

 

What kinds of things do you fight about and how are those arguments resolved? In the overall spectrum of marital issues - infidelity, abuse, addiction, etc. - your problems seems addressable. Is there a reason why you're not more committed to working on your marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

[hastha]

There are a number of things.

 

- We try not to let it, and we sincerely DO strive to respect each other, but religious differences come between us a lot. He turns to prayer and faith for making huge life decisions, I turn to logic and planning. And often, we find each other at odds with each other.

 

- I already feel like a single mother. I am almost always at home alone with our kids. Even when he is home, he isn't present. I do everything around the house and I almost single-handedly care for our kids. I need, NEED help. We've discussed it until we're blue in the face, but nothing ever changes, and we always seem to be right back at the same place again.

 

- We want different things in life. This ties into the religious difference, as well.

 

- He has been "certain" on more than one occasion that he was being lead, spiritually speaking, into different careers. He went back to school, looked for a job in that field for years, got a decent job, though not in his field, but a job nonetheless. Then, he felt led into another area, and without another job lined up, no plans, just faith, up and quit his job because he was certain he was being led in that direction. Keep in mind, I'm a stay at home mom (and in grad school). So we had no source of income now, had to rely on a small tax return and help from our parents just to make ends meet. Finally, after months of not getting the career he was hoping to fall into, he went back to his old job.

 

There is more, but I don't want to hash it all out here.

 

He still wants to follow those dreams, and honestly, I want him to. I don't want him staying married to me and ending up resenting me for not being able to at least try. But I'm in grad school, I have a lot of work to do, I live in the same city as my family, very close to his family, and I NEED that support system. Going after his goals is going to require moving several hours away, to a city with no help, no friends, not knowing anything about schools, babysitters, etc.

 

Again, long story as short as possible, we've talked a lot at length the past 24 hours. He's considering moving (with my blessings) to at least try. I'm not prepared to go with him. He says he'd like to "stay together" and try to make it work, hundreds of miles away while building completely separate lives, but I don't see how that is even possible.

 

We are both unhappy with where we are now. Neither of us seems brave enough to say aloud "I think this is over," but it seems like we're inching closer to that point. I've suggested marriage counseling, but he isn't interested.

 

I'm not sure where this goes from here. How can things work at this point? I feel guilty because part of me feels like we're holding him back, both professionally and even personally. I know he'd be much better with someone who was more like-minded with him. A Christian woman who had the same interests and goals. He deserves that, and I hate the thought that he is settling with me.

 

Part of me has been checked out of this for a while. But it is still painful and confusing.

[hastha]

Also, sorry about the winky face icon in the original post. A total accident and I have no idea how to get rid of it!

[2sunny]

Since he's thinking he's being lead by his God - even IF he is - proper order is key!

 

No God would encourage a man who needs to support a family to quit his job without something new lined up. Then for the responsibility to support the family falls to the parents? That's crappy behavior and a very poor impulsive decision. He needs to grow the hell up!

 

That's your husbands defiance and self will!

 

He needs to learn the difference.

 

He has responsibilities - one was the agreement to support the family.

 

He should look into why he thought that was a decision for him to make... If nothing else he should have made that decision with YOU! The fact that he didn't shows disrespect to you and complete immaturity on his behalf.

 

Following your dreams is one thing - but being responsible while doing it is the right way to go about it.

 

I can't see how having Dad a few hours away will benefit the kids - that's not a way to be a Dad.

[Mr. Lucky]

I already feel like a single mother. I am almost always at home alone with our kids. Even when he is home, he isn't present. I do everything around the house and I almost single-handedly care for our kids. I need, NEED help. We've discussed it until we're blue in the face, but nothing ever changes, and we always seem to be right back at the same place again.

If you're a SAHM and he works full time, wouldn't you be primarily responsible for the house and kids? What would happen to your support system - at least his family's side - if you divorced?

 

I don't want to minimize any of the issues you've presented but, with time and effort, they all seem fixable. It almost feels as though there's something that you haven't said that's a root cause of your marital discontent.

 

Are you involved, even just as "a friend to talk to" , with another man ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[hastha]

If you're a SAHM and he works full time, wouldn't you be primarily responsible for the house and kids? What would happen to your support system - at least his family's side - if you divorced?

 

I don't want to minimize any of the issues you've presented but, with time and effort, they all seem fixable. It almost feels as though there's something that you haven't said that's a root cause of your marital discontent.

 

Are you involved, even just as "a friend to talk to" , with another man ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Even when I worked full time and he was the one at home when our oldest was a baby, I still did most things. And now, even when he IS home, there's no participation. However, he's also very critical and micromanages what I do. He may not do the laundry, but he's going to point out everything he thinks I did wrong. Things like that.

 

And I never get a break. If I want to go somewhere, even to the store, when he's off, it usually means having to take at least one of the kids with me. I have absolutely NO social life, and I never get to do anything outside of the home. Ever.

 

I do have two decently close male friends. But they sincerely are just friends. I can't even fathom the idea of something more. Our friendships are very transparent, husband knows them both well, neither live even remotely close to us, never tried to keep any secrets, etc. I actually did stop speaking to both of them for about a year, thinking that it could help. But the problems continued, and I was now out two of my only friends.

 

To me, there's really been no "big, underlying cause." More or less just a gradual weathering away. But I'm not sure how to rebuild that, especially if he's not willing to go to MC, which he's reiterated on more than one occasion.

[hastha]

I do figure too, though, that there is some resentment about being a SAHM. It was never part of the plan. I love my children more than life itself, of course. But I have career goals, too, and those have been on the back burner basically since we got married. It's always been a story of me waiting on him to get done with his education, get settled into his career, follow god's path for him, and when those things finally came together for him, then I could finally get started on me. Now, nearly eight years later, he's still seemingly aimless, and I'm still at the beginning, still waiting, it seems.

[cozycottagelg]

 

To me, there's really been no "big, underlying cause." More or less just a gradual weathering away.

 

I can relate to that so much.

[Mr. Lucky]

To me, there's really been no "big, underlying cause." More or less just a gradual weathering away. But I'm not sure how to rebuild that, especially if he's not willing to go to MC, which he's reiterated on more than one occasion.

Thanks for the additional information, makes more sense.

 

Why not call his bluff and schedule an appointment for MC. Tell him he can go to the counseling or he can go, period ???

 

Mr. Lucky