Best Friend Is Cheating; got pregnant, had abortion, lied to me for a year about it

[pharmgirl1]

Hey everyone I am new to this site excuse any faux paus etc. . My best friend and I have known each other since college, about 13 years now. We live in different states and are both working professionals, she is attorney, i'm a pharmacist. She just came to visit me for 5 days this past weekend and laid a DOUSY on me, which is why I have come here for help from you fine people.

SUMMARY: she is cheating on husband, for a year, with colleague, OM is her "soul mate", got pregnant from OM, didn't realize until she was > 3 months, had a 2nd term abortion, plans on continuing to lie to husband until at least January of next year for immigration reasons, has been lying to me her best friend about this entire thing for a year.

DETAILS:

She is married to "Jim", who she also met in college. In fact, I was there the night they met. I was also the maid of honor at their wedding a couple years ago. They dated for a looong time before marrying. She is from another country, came here to go to college and then law school on student visas, and since has been on work visas sponsored by her place of employment. About 5 years into her and Jim's relationship, he had actually offered to marry her on paper to help facilitate the green card process, which she refused. After marrying, she applied for a temporary green card which app she now has. I dont pretend to understand this immigration process but it is my understanding that she now has to wait until exactly 2 years AFTER THE DATE OF APPLICATION (not date of marriage) in order to get her permanent green card. This is important (apparently).

At the pool(yes the pool) this weekend she suddenly lays this on me. Last I heard of OM, he was just some dude at work that was asking her to have coffee and i'm pretty sure she referred to him as "creepy". Now he is her "soul mate" and he knows everything about her, doesnt have to remember what lies she told him etc. With some prodding she finally reveals yes she slept with him, multiple times, and apparently got PREGNANT with his baby. At the time she was training to run an ultra marathon (50 miles) and app had stopped having her period and didn't realize she was pregnant until she was over 3 mon along. OM is app ecstatic about it and they go to see an immigration attorney (two actually) to fig out if she could somehow have the baby (which would be an american citizen) and stay here. App they were told that having another man's baby would pretty much "prove" her marriage a sham to INS and she would likely not only not get her greencard but get deported. Being that they had been dating for nearly a decade prior to marrying the marriage doesnt seem a sham but anyway. Based on this information, they actually consider what if she has OM baby, PRETENDS it is "Jim's", then when the greencard goes thru tell Jim "Just kidding Jim junior isn't yours its OM and im leaving". App they decided that was "too cruel" to Jim. She then decides only option is to have abortion, which by this point is now into the second trimester. Side note: this is now her THIRD abortion; first was in college, second was actually WITH JIM when they were either dating or engaged, and I am pretty sure he does not know about it.

App the permanent greencard will not be processed until approx Jan 2014 and she fully intends on continuing this absurd situation until then, when I guess she plans to evict Jim from the house and start a family with OM.

It should be noted that she purchased the house she and Jim share entirely in her name and pays the (substantial) mortgage completely by herself, by choice. Jim pays all the utlities and his massive student loan from law school. I happened to catch a glimpse of her account balance when we were at ATM this weekend and she has SUBSTANTIAL savings. They have no joint bank accounts.

Now that I know all of this, I am beginning to think this marriage to poor Jim WAS in fact a sham; that maybe she didnt marry him after 5 years but later realized this green card thing really is a hassle and she might as well. Clearly she aborted a baby to avoid immigration issues.

She has been lying to me about this entire thing up until 3 days ago. Obv lies of OMISSION, as I clearly had no reason to ask "hey did you happen to get knocked up by your creepy coworker and abort the baby to avoid deportation??". I am crushed thinking that my "best friend" is basically a stranger who was capable of completely concealing her entire life from me over the course of an entire year. At some point within that year I did go and visit her where she lives (which was before the pregnancy situation) and nothing was mentioned.

Her justification for telling me now was that app OM was pushing her "why havent you told your best friend??". I heard nothing in the way of "i couldnt stand lying to you anymore" it was all about satisfying OM.

My question is: do I attempt to stay friends with this person?? I feel like my best friend died and some stranger is running around in her body. I am not a person who has zillions of friends. I am having trouble even considering her my friend at all if she couldnt share massive life altering events over the course of a YEAR with me. Not to mention i have major moral objections on multiple levels to what she is doing to Jim. I am not seperately friends with Jim but obv have known him for a very long time. I know, as she acknowledges, he is a very good man. He is not doing anything to her to remotely deserve this and I cringe at the idea of keeping this secret for at least 9 more months while poor Jim sits in the dark waiting for his life to be ruined by this possible sociopath.

There is no excuse she can give me for why she didnt tell me, so I would just have to accept it and forgive her. But what am I left with then? 9 months of listening to her and OMs escapades and undying love and waiting for the crap storm that will be her telling Jim?

I am struggling with processing this whole thing with respect to what do I do about the friendship/what do I say to her to let her know its NOT ok to treat me (forget about Jim) like that and secondly i am dying thinking about how i would feel if i were Jim and someone knew and no one told me. Incidentally, app she HAS told another friend of ours from college who has even met OM.

Oh i forgot, on wednesday in the parking lot on the way to a concert, she tells me "btw i dont drink anymore and am in AA". She is saying she is learning not to use alcohol as a coping mechanism etc more than anything else which I agree with only bc I dont think she has a physical addiction to alcohol, doesn't drink all that much, just when she does she makes really poor decisions.

Any advice on this debacle and what i should/shouldnt do or say would be much appreciated.

[regretting]

Regardless of anything else, Jim deserves to know what is/has been going on as well as about the abortion. He also needs to get tested for STD's. No telling what your "friend" isn't telling you.

[BrokenPrincess]

Thirteen years is a long time to know somebody without an inkling that they are this whacked out. You mentioned she had a second abortion in college...thinking back, did she exhibit more indications of this selfish oblivion? Not telling your friend for a year doesn't seem that unusual to me. She is partaking in unethical behaviors, plus trying to balance two men and her immigration. She had a pretty full plate there. But to have an abortion is typically such an emotional, traumatic decision. To me, that is the biggest red flag--that she's had one, maybe two, without much significant concern (as I'm interpreting from your words) is kind of scary to me.

 

I think you need to set up some time to have a long talk with your friend. How did you react when she told you all this? Or were you just in shock?

[BeholdtheMan]

*SNIP*

This person is a tumour in your life. Cut her out. Start distancing yourself from her. She probably wants you to take her side and support her. Don't provide her any emotional support. You'll don't want to make her feel better about what she's doing.

 

She is colossally, disgustingly selfish. She also sounds very calculating. Apparently, "integrity" isn't even part of the equation. She's more concerned with immigration issues and timing.

 

She is probably telling herself that she is being kind to poor little Jim by concealing the truth. All she's doing is setting him up for an even bigger fall.

 

You feel like she hasn't been forthcoming to you as her best friend. Imagine the betrayal Jim, her husband, will feel when sh*t hits the fan.

 

If you're on good terms with Jim, I might suggest even telling him.

[Keenly]

Well, I'm just going to go ahead and say it.

 

 

It's none of your business. Peoples lives are their own to ruin, and nobody likes a nosy friend.

 

 

Don't be a buttinsky, let this bomb blow on its own.

[BeholdtheMan]

Well, I'm just going to go ahead and say it.

 

 

It's none of your business. Peoples lives are their own to ruin, and nobody likes a nosy friend.

 

 

Don't be a buttinsky, let this bomb blow on its own.

Her friend won't just be ruining her own life. I'm sure Jim would love for TS to be a "buttinsky", of course her friend wouldn't

 

It's thread starter's choice whether or not to get involved

 

I'd recommend distancing herself from her "best friend" ASAP either way

[Bryanp]

To paraphrase the great Edmund Burke:

 

All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

 

For God's sake please tell Jim.

[CC12]

It seems as though this is less about Jim than it is about you feeling like your friend betrayed you by not telling you something private and personal about her life. You were not mistreated by your friend. She didn't do anything wrong *to you* by keeping her business private. You can't really be mad at her for that. You're not owed the knowledge of everything she does. I find your attitude of "she wronged me" a bit out of place considering the scope of her current ****ups. Your comments about her finances and her going to AA also struck me as bizarre. Perhaps you are overestimating the importance of your opinions on her life and not recognizing proper boundaries with your friend.

 

If you do end up telling Jim that she's cheating on him, don't disclose what she told you about her abortion. It really has no bearing on their situation and only serves to potentially further vilify her. It's just unnecessary. Tell him only the relevant information - that she's been cheating on him and hasn't left him yet because it will complicate her status in this country.

[Mint Sauce]

I agree with previous posters that your concern about her not telling you is totally out-of-place given the magnitude of her dishonesty towards "Jim". I understand your frustration about being left in the dark by your best friend, but personally I'd reconsider my friendship more because of her way of treating her husband. She sounds extremely self-centered, willing to sacrifice hearts and lives to get what she wants.

 

I think you ought to tell Jim, both about the cheating and about the abortion(s), or at the very least give him a subtle wake-up call, e.g. anonymously.

[96nole]

Wow, that's quite a story. You're worried about losing her as a friend because you don't have a lot of friends. But is this the type of person you want as a friend? If she can treat her husband this way, what would stop her from using you. Time to get rid of this "friend".

 

Regarding "Jim"

This is not just an emotional affair or a kiss in a bar. She is only using Jim for green card purposes. She and the OM conspired on how to keep the baby so she could stay in the country. They only aborted the baby because she may get deported. They even considered having the baby, telling Jim it was his and then say "nope not yours, but thanks for the green card, have a nice life". HOW F*CKING DISGUSTING!!!

I don't know if you've ever been cheated on. It's a pretty unpleasant experience. There is a train of hurt barreling down on Jim. Please don't let him get blindsided by this. Please tell Jim what is going on. Please tell him so he can make decisions regarding his life. Not what "others" are conspiring against him.

[BetrayedH]

Jim deserves to make an informed decision about how to move forward with his life. He only has one life and it's being wasted. Every day that goes by with him dedicated to his wife is another one that he can't get back. Every day he's making decisions thinking that they are a team against the world; he has no idea she is conspiring against him. If she can play single while she is married and find a soulmate, then he deserves the same right. He doesn't deserve to be used for another 8 months while she manipulates money and assets to her advantage. She's obviously not going to say anything to him until she has him completely screwed. She likely won't even tell him about her OM. That gets even more brutal for the betrayed spouse because he may spend years wondering what he did wrong, blaming himself, and trying to win her back.

 

Now you're faced with an ethical choice. You can release him from this sentence or you can just walk. The right thing to do is fairly obvious; it's just difficult. I hope you find the courage to make the ethical choice. BryanP was right that for evil to triumph, it's just requires you to do nothing. I hope you don't let that happen. You're likely the only person that can help this guy.

 

As for your friend, she's obviously no friend at all if she can do this to her spouse - the one person who has dedicated more in life to her than anyone.

[darkmoon]

stay out of her life if you don't like her, but stop gossiping to her husband, sorry, but I really don't like people who gossip about others behind their backs, I can't see what good you're doing meddling inside somebody else's marriage

Edited May 8, 2013 by darkmoon

[BetrayedH]

stay out of her life if you don't like her, but stop gossiping to her husband, sorry, but I really don't like people who gossip about others behind their backs, I can't see what good you're doing meddling inside somebody else's marriage

 

Gossiping would be telling the neighbors. This is hardly the same thing. If she chooses to speak to the betrayed husband, she'd be releasing him from being betrayed and taken advantage of. The guy has a knife in his back and doesn't know it. Informing him is hardly meddling in his marriage (which is a farce anyway).

[Fugu]

stay out of her life if you don't like her, but stop gossiping to her husband, sorry, but I really don't like people who gossip about others behind their backs, I can't see what good you're doing meddling inside somebody else's marriage

 

Uh, she didn't meddle; her 'friend' volunteered the information. Her choice, but it's the OP's choice not to like it and decide what to do with that information.

[Fugu]

I agree with previous posters that your concern about her not telling you is totally out-of-place given the magnitude of her dishonesty towards "Jim". I understand your frustration about being left in the dark by your best friend, but personally I'd reconsider my friendship more because of her way of treating her husband. She sounds extremely self-centered, willing to sacrifice hearts and lives to get what she wants.

 

I think you ought to tell Jim, both about the cheating and about the abortion(s), or at the very least give him a subtle wake-up call, e.g. anonymously.

 

I wholeheartedly disagree. A friend has a right to expect integrity from friends. Friends make errors in judgment. Friends sometimes do 'bad' things once in a while perhaps. But, to think that this person was a close friend and that they probably shared some of adult life's better moments together, and then to have it end up with this kind of brutally ugly reality check, with this perpetually deceitful, cunning, and callous behavior toward an innocent person who believes that they are in love...it must be nothing short of nauseating. I think to understand the indignity of it all, a person must first value close friendships with others. If someone can't, then the emotional impact of all this isn't going to register.

[Fugu]

Well, I'm just going to go ahead and say it.

 

 

It's none of your business. Peoples lives are their own to ruin, and nobody likes a nosy friend.

 

 

Don't be a buttinsky, let this bomb blow on its own.

 

I am often inclined to agree, if it's just a marriage that went south.

 

This is completely different. This is fraud. An individual has been defrauded of time in the past, and they're going to be robbed of their trust going forward in the future. She's not in a position to help this person regain whatever faith he stands to lose in people, but she can at least give him more time to start that process. She's in a position to do that. The question is, will she?

[Radu]

I'd tell Jim, and i'm not saying this just because i can empathise with him, being a man and all.

I'd tell him because this is not your friend anymore; she managed to hide a 2nd term pregnancy from her husband, was willing to callously throw him to the wolves for her own benefit ...

We are used here to seeing men and women get hurt over the rationalizations of their wayward spouses, but those rationalisations come with some emotion.

Hatred, being disgusted, but she entertained the ideea as if it was just business.

 

Either tell him or just forget about her.

 

If you outright tell her that you don't want to have anything to deal with her anymore, she will make sure that you can't get to Jim, she will demonize you in every way possible to ensure that the two of you don't talk.

[BeholdtheMan]

This is not just an emotional affair or a kiss in a bar. She is only using Jim for green card purposes. She and the OM conspired on how to keep the baby so she could stay in the country. They only aborted the baby because she may get deported. They even considered having the baby, telling Jim it was his and then say "nope not yours, but thanks for the green card, have a nice life". HOW F*CKING DISGUSTING!!!

 

I'd tell him because this is not your friend anymore; she managed to hide a 2nd term pregnancy from her husband, was willing to callously throw him to the wolves for her own benefit ...

We are used here to seeing men and women get hurt over the rationalizations of their wayward spouses, but those rationalisations come with some emotion.

Hatred, being disgusted, but she entertained the ideea as if it was just business.

I cannot agree more with the above assessments.

 

Your friend is reptilian, but she made one big mistake. She told you about her dirty deeds. Whether you want to do something about it is completely up to you. I can only give you my own perspective.

 

Despite her own lack of morals, perhaps she "trusted" you with this information. Therefore, you might feel some obligation to keep her confidence. I wouldn't because when I have no mercy when I encounter despicable behaviour. If the villain doesn't want me to help the victim, she shouldn't reveal her crimes to me.

 

I would feel insulted in your situation. My "best friend" tells me about her despicable schemes and behaviour and expects me to smile and nod as she continues to defraud her own husband? Does she take me as a villain too?

 

Glad to disappoint. She aired her dirty laundry to the wrong person. Her mistake

Edited May 9, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[Fugu]

Okay, we have one post and that's it. Is this real, or trollin'?

[pharmgirl1]

Hey everyone so sorry for taking so long to reply, I sincerely appreciate all of your input on my post. To answer the last poster sadly, no, Im not trolling this situation is real. After reading a lot of your comments, I did end up writing a lonnnggg email to my friend regarding this debacle. I set up a dummy email account to forgo her previous paranoia about Jim having access to her email password. Anyway, I pretty much figured that we would no longer be friends after that email, and I had not yet decided what I was going to do about telling Jim. Oddly, she did attempt to call me (i couldnt answer at the time) and did text me at length regarding the email which Ill spare you but basically called her out on everything and brought up a lot of the points ya'll mentioned. She said things such as "i admit that i am very flawed. Normal people don't behave like i do and dont do the things i do. Im ashamed of it and sometimes dig myself such deep holes that there seems no way out. I hate living this way no illusions about it." Seriously, i was expecting her to accept zero blame and basically be angry at me for even suggesting what she is doing is wrong on so many levels. So i am now a bit befuddled, as I really was pegging her for a sociopath after hearing her whole story.

To answer a few of your replies, yes I agree she is quite reptilian and I am frankly confused as to why she suddenly decided to trust me with her dirty secrets after a year of careful, manipulative lying. It seems like she just may be trying to clear her conscience in light of this AA revelation, isnt one of the steps about that i really dont know. Considering how cunning she is, it seems bizarre that it would never occurred to her that I might tell him. Not sure what to think of that.

To the couple of you who seemed to completely not comprehend what happened, i am NOT gossiping! First of all, gossip is spreading rumors that arent true. I havent told anyone anything aside from a couple very close friends (who along with you all I am relying on to help me sort this out) and i DEFINITELY havent said anything that wasnt true. And telling her husband would not be gossip either as unfortunately this absurd series of events is actually true. Obv my question is whether or not it is my place to do so.

I do not live near them, so technically for the foreseeable future I will not be forced to lie to him per se or actively conceal the truth from him. But i feel like hiding behind these technicalities is exactly what she did to ME to tell herself what she was doing was ok. Obv she was actively lying to Jim thats another story. Honestly dont know how she sleeps at night or looks herself in the mirror, and I told her so.

I do tend to agree with those of you who think every second Jim continues to live with this virtual knife in his back is simply prolonging his torture, and that is what is really killing me about withholding what i know from him.

Also to the couple of you who suggested I tell him that she cheated but withhold the abortion, I can't see how further lies of omission/concealing is going to comfort or help him in any way. His wife is already lying THE lie of all lies, and i should tell him, but not REALLY, just certain parts? I think id rather keep completely silent or tell the whole truth as I know it. Anything in between I think is just a slap in the face on top of the knife in his back. :/

To be honest with you guys, I think the only thing preventing me from telling him is being scared of the retribution she would surely take on me. And i hate myself for thinking that it feels really selfish. But i keep imagining "what could this girl do to hurt me in life". I haven't done anything horrible to anyone, havent cheated on anyone (anyway im not married or dating anyone right now) I dont think there is anything she knows that she could hold against me but its been over a decade i really dont know...I am worried she could do something cuckoo and try to sabotage my job, i am a licensed pharmacist and have some paranoia that she could do or say something to risk my license....truly it has crossed my mind that she may very well fly down here and kill me. I mean i dont think she would...but thats how people end up on the ID channel right? :/

[CC12]

Also to the couple of you who suggested I tell him that she cheated but withhold the abortion, I can't see how further lies of omission/concealing is going to comfort or help him in any way. His wife is already lying THE lie of all lies, and i should tell him, but not REALLY, just certain parts? I think id rather keep completely silent or tell the whole truth as I know it. Anything in between I think is just a slap in the face on top of the knife in his back.

 

I just think an abortion is a very personal, private, sometimes traumatic decision and you should give your friend the courtesy of choosing who gets to know that information about her. If her husband had been the one she was pregnant with, then maybe you could make an argument for him needing to know. But it wasn't his. I really don't think it's your place to share her medical procedures with anyone.

 

It just seems like that's more detail than necessary. It would be like telling him, "And she even had sex with him in a taxi." Or whatever. How would that help him?

 

From what you've posted in this thread, I get the feeling that you revel in sharing the juicy details and vilifying your friend. It's the internet, so I guess it's fine to do that here. Just please be careful not to actually do that to the people in your life.

 

To be honest with you guys, I think the only thing preventing me from telling him is being scared of the retribution she would surely take on me. And i hate myself for thinking that it feels really selfish. But i keep imagining "what could this girl do to hurt me in life". I haven't done anything horrible to anyone, havent cheated on anyone (anyway im not married or dating anyone right now) I dont think there is anything she knows that she could hold against me but its been over a decade i really dont know...I am worried she could do something cuckoo and try to sabotage my job, i am a licensed pharmacist and have some paranoia that she could do or say something to risk my license....truly it has crossed my mind that she may very well fly down here and kill me. I mean i dont think she would...but thats how people end up on the ID channel right? :/

 

Has she ever, in the thirteen years you've been friends with her, shown any insane tendencies? If no, then you're being way overdramatic and you need to chill out.

[Fugu]

Has she ever, in the thirteen years you've been friends with her, shown any insane tendencies? If no, then you're being way overdramatic and you need to chill out.

 

I think you're being a bit naive here. You have no idea what the average person is capable of doing. She has already done quite a bit more than even her closest friends and family ever could have imagined, so it's not at all unreasonable to wonder where this could lead.

 

I don't know, I don't know if she's obligated to tell him directly. The woman's already prepared for that anyway. If I were in this situation, I'd probably just spend the balance of the time I have left with the 'friend' to put pressure on her to open it up herself. It's a tough spot to be in. We can all talk about how we would handle it, but it's different when we're directly involved.

 

Good luck handling this, OP.

[CC12]

I think you're being a bit naive here. You have no idea what the average person is capable of doing. She has already done quite a bit more than even her closest friends and family ever could have imagined, so it's not at all unreasonable to wonder where this could lead.

 

Yes, forgive my naivete. It is not at all unreasonable to think that the average person will travel by plane in order to murder their best friend of 13 years. The things that happen on the ID channel are not embellished at all and we should all live our lives as if our best friends might murder us.

[The Shepherd]

OP, you have issues selecting friends. You will go down their way and you will not even realize it if you don't cut off people like this from your life.

[SpiralOut]

I used to think that being friends with someone meant staying by their side no matter what. It's normal for people to make mistakes. But when someone crosses a line, you need to wonder what's stopping her from doing something bad to you. I'm wondering what she even kept it secret from you for so long but now suddenly is telling you all about it. Is she going to need you for something soon too? Maybe she's anticipating the fallout and is looking for sympathetic friends who will offer her a place to stay, or give her money.