Start the no contact thing?!?!?

[t866]

My boyfriend and I have been together four years. Lately we have been arguing a lot and decided he should get his own place, but we still maintained our relationship. Just a few days ago, his mother (who has caused nothing but problems for him and I) called and asked if he can do some side work at bar & grill she just took over(my bf is an alcoholic, who stays sober then falls off the wagon). She tells my bf that he can drink for free up there, knowing that he has an issue with alcohol. So I got very upset and didn't want him to go let alone stay the night out there. My feelings being expressed turned into a huge argument. So he did go out there stayed the night not one but two nights. Called me at 2:00am in the morning for no reason, and I haven't talked to him since. It's been 3 long days. I did call him the next day and he was very very rude to me on the phone and said he was still "pissed off" at me. I'm so confused I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been betrayed and dis-respected. I called and left a message(he didn't pick up) asking for my house key back and a few of my things. I haven't heard back.

 

Do I start the no contact thing? I don't know if he wants to be with me or not, I feel like once he gets his partying out of the way then he'll call. But now I feel like the trust we had has been broken. I expressed my feelings to him about going out there and he still went. What kind of man is that? I had a legitimate reason for not wanting him to go out there. I also can't believe that his mother (b@#ch) knows he is an alcoholic and doesn't care if he drinks and probably would do just about anything to break us up. Sometimes he doesn't see that, but I see right through her. For a while he didn't talk to his mom for a long time cause she caused so many problems in our relationship. She doesn't' like me cause I'm very up front and tell her that I don't like the drama she has caused. I did respect her in the beginning until she showed her true colors. Any advice. I want him to know and understand that he is wrong for what he's doing to me. I have been crying for three days, because I don't know what is going on. So much stuff runs through my mind, What is he doing? Is he even thinking of me? And all of these questions tear me apart. Try the no contact and see where that leads?

[Just Visiting]

It's tough being in a relationship with someone who has a alcohol problem. You expressed concern on him being at the Bar & Grill, and he went anyway. Actions speak louder than words. Partying and being around that scene is his priority right now. There is nothing you can do about it. He is making his own choices. I am sorry you are hurting, but the only way you can feel better about this situation is if you start taking care of yourself. Taking a step back and doing the NC is a good way to begin.

[Butchey]

Excessive drinking is a weakness. Being that you are very up front you will have an easier time with NC then he will.

 

He will come back and beg your forgiveness eventually because that is what alcoholics do. But if you take the focus and put it on yourself then you will get better regardless of what he does.

 

It hurts and it is not easy, but working on detaching from the alcoholic is the best solution for you.

[t866]

It's the hardest thing to do because I want him to know how I'm feeling and I want him to realize that he is wrong. Do men do that or are their ego's too big to know they were wrong and admit it? I should say that he did call me the first night he went out there at 2:00am for no reason at all, what's that all about? I think he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. How do I get him back? I know I can't be the only one trying to make it work. I feel that I left so many things un-said. I just don't know how he can do this to me? I have so much running through my head. Is he even thinking about me? Does he care how hurt I am? Will we ever be back together? What are the rules of NC and does it really work?? I did so much for this man, I believe in the saying "when you're cut, I bleed". Will no contact make him think of me and miss me. At times I want to go off and tell him that he is wrong for doing that. But I don't think I should be the one doing all the correcting here. Oh, this sucks. I don't know what to do. I know I want to be with him, but I have been betrayed and stepped on. It feels like he no concern for my feelings. When before he would do anything for me, why all of a sudden be rude and harsh to me. Part of it has to do with pretty much all his friends are now single and partying it up. I'm so angry that I'm going to the club tonight with friends. But I'm only doing it to spite him, otherwise I would not go. I'm not in the state of mind to have fun and be happy. I'm just depressed and have cried for three days straight.

[t866]

Not to mention he was sober for 3 years, 3 years. And out of the blue one night went and drank. At that time I thought our relationship was the best it has ever been. I have bent over backwards for this man. None of his family cares what he does. I do! I know he is hurting himself. Everytime he drinks and something bad happens he feels guilty and tells me he's knows he shouldn't have drank and that he'll never do it again. Then all of a sudden he's drinking, what??? I'm confused. He does stupid things when he is drunk. So it is very hard for me to sit-back and watch him ruin his life. But I say to myself all the time that sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they realize what they have done. The only thing I want is our "perfect" relationship we had a few months ago. No contact does it work???

[Just Visiting]

All the more reason to step away from this man. Reading what you posted, there appears to be co-dependency issues here. You made this man your whole world, and that world is dysfunctional. I have been through a similar situation and I know what you are saying.

 

Do I still care for my exes? Yes I do....but I know that they have their own personal demons. And I had to be true in saying that I don't want that in my life. I had to cut my losses because like you....I did EVERYTHING I could to show my love and devotion. However, I knew in my heart that I couldn't be someone's doormat. I couldn't allow that to happen. So I stepped back, step by step. It was very hard because I was very much attached to the good times.

 

All the begging and pleading your case to him is not going to work. Draw up all your dignity and self-respect and stop contacting him. It's the only way you are going to get passed this. And stop reading into those phone calls, he could be checking to see if you are still there for him. Once he knows you are, then he will resume his drinking. Respect yourself girl.