Unsure how I got here- how to go on

[unsureagain]

After 24 years of marriage it is clear to me today that it is over. I don't even know how to express the sadness of something even a week ago that would be unthinkable to me.

 

My husband and I have been together since college and we have a 14 year old daughter. Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage and I thought that even though it was not perfect, it was a great life.

 

I can look back now and see my mistakes. I am the steady one in both our relationship and in the family. When something falls apart, I am the one that has to be there to put it back. However, whatever quality that allows me to be the rock in the storm also makes me less likely to show my emotions though I fell them quite deeply.

 

My husband was a stay at home dad the last 10 years, and was the envy of his friends. I had a good job and did not mind in the beginning, but lately he has been more interested in playing golf and hanging out with friends and has shown no sign of planning on going back to work. I never complained.

 

Our only incompatibility was around sex. He had an affair 10 years ago and during our therapy it came out that he is a cross dresser and had other types of needs. At the time out daughter was only 18 months old and I was desperate to keep our family together. We made it through and I did my best to manage his needs but my heart was never in it. I guess I thought that our life we built, the plans we made and our beautiful daughter would be enough for him but it appears that is not the case.

 

I had a terrible time the last year with my father diagnosed with ALS and he passed away last summer, my stepfather diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he passed away 2 months ago, and my mother diagnosed with colon cancer and undergoing radical chemo and surgery at the same time. All of this along with being the only breadwinner in our family made me in crisis mode only and I am sure my husband was neglected along the way.

 

He told me a month ago that he felt we had a distance and then went on to list all of the ways I was falling short. I felt sucker punched- I thought he had my back when all the while he was taking notes of all of my faults.

 

Over time, I could tell nothing I was doing was good enough and he was intentionally pushing me away. The light went on over the weekend and I figured out that he must be in either an emotional or physical relationship with someone else that probably "accepts him for who is".

 

Now I feel nothing but emptiness and sadness. Financially, I will have to give him half of everything I have managed to put away for us, plus will probably have to give him alimony until he manages to get a job. It makes me feel like a fool for not pushing him back to work earlier, but I loved him and thought we were happy.

 

I am 49 and worried that this is it for me. It sounds foolish even seeing it written here, but it does not change how I feel.

 

I feel like I gave everything and it was not enough- and somehow it is still my fault.

[ConfusedT]

I cannot imagine losing a marriage, but when something is over, it is OVER. and at least youre at the point of acknowkledgment. The fact that he is a cross dresser and was hiding it from you shows a HUGE lack in faith in your relationship..

 

I can completely understand why it was so hard. Even though it is perfectly acceptable in todays society to provide for the man, that is not the way I feel that we are raised by nature. Men take care of their women and provide for them, so when the roles get reversed, I feel that something can happen to the masculinity of the man due to the demasculating that occurs when he isnt able to "provide" per se.

 

Stop blaming this all on yourself, its not only your fault, takes two to tango and takes two to makes things come to this point and if hes not changing or willing to fight FOR you and not against you, you shouldnt be in this relationship anyways!!

 

Definitely not ONLY your fault, as i said, there is ALWAYS blame on both sides for something, but that does not mean you caused the breakdown of the relationship. it is NOT it for you, there are a lot of single middle aged people and i bet there is a man who is looking to make you happy, somewhere, if you just allow yourself to be free again.

 

Good Luck!!

[Gunny376]

Perhaps I'm missing something, but from where I'm sitting it sounds as though you're married to a very selfish, self-centered, narcissistic type of individual ~ one of those that take, and take, and take and no matter what you do is good enough. I would even go so far as to suggest that he might also be of the NPD ~ Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Which is what I really think your dealing with here.

 

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, which is in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

• Believing that you're better than others
  
• Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
  
• Exaggerating your achievements or talents
  
• Expecting constant praise and admiration
  
• Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
  
• Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
  
• Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
  
• Taking advantage of others
  
• Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
  
• Being jealous of others
  
• Believing that others are jealous of you
  
• Trouble keeping healthy relationships
  
• Setting unrealistic goals
  
• Being easily hurt and rejected
  
• Having a fragile self-esteem
  
• Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
  

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal.

 

In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others.

 

When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations.

 

You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.

 

But underneath all this behavior often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.

 

When to see a doctor

 

When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may not want to think that anything could be wrong — doing so wouldn't fit with your self-image of power and perfection. But by definition, a narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of your life, such as relationships, work, school or your financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and confused by a mix of seemingly contradictory emotions. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.

If you notice any of these problems in your life, consider reaching out to a trusted doctor or mental health provider. Getting the right treatment can help make your life more rewarding and enjoyable.

 

I was married to one before Mrs. Gunny.

 

At any rate I think you're taking own a disproportionate amount of the blame for the dissolution of the marriage. And that your unnecessarily beating yourself way too much over it all. I just don't really how you could continue on in a marriage that is obviously so one-sided with your endlessly doing all the giving, light and heavy mainteance, work etc. It seems to me that your the one that's bringing everything to the table and all he's doing is showing up to complain about it.

 

At 49 I wouldn't worry too much about finding someone else that is your equal and willing to be a partner in Life with you. Although I've been knowing and talking with Mrs Gunny for the last eight or nine years, its only been the last year and half to two years that we've taken it further that just acquaintences and friends. I've kept her at arms length for year and years.

 

She's 51 and I'm 56, and I've never been happier with any other woman in my entire life. She's a SAHW (But She's no wallflower either by any means!) and although I'm retired military ~ I choose to work (I never plan to fully retire, in so long as I can get out of the bed each morning and get verticle I'm going to go and find myself something to do, not for the money but because that's just me!)

 

If I could "nail it" I would say our relationship is more about friendship, comradeship, being partners ~ "Lifemates" She's got my back and I've got hers. We talk about any and everything, laugh a lot, cut-up, joke with one another. She knows me like an open book ~ because I've given her a copy of my playbook. We talked daily ~ oftentimes two or three times a day for years before we got together. And I believe in and with all my heart that was the coner-stone and foundation to our becoming "us" :love: :love:

 

You've still got a lot of living in you left? I wouldn't book my resevations for the nursing home just yet?

[unsureagain]

Gunny-

 

Thank you for your inspiration. That is exactly what I needed to hear- that it is possible to have a relationship built on friendship and trust.

 

I think I knew he was pushing me away, but I don't know if he knew that. In reading the posts on here I know it is foolish to think I am washed up at 49 but I also know I am not the only one is scared to try again. '

 

I haven't dated anyone is 27 years, the thought is a laugh to me.

 

I do see his narcissistic side- I was not blind to it but chose to overlook it I think. To be fair, he is a wonderful father and very caring to our daughter. He upheld his side of the household chores and carpool, cooking etc. as the stay at home dad. There were many, many good times. I think we changed as we grew and as much as he tried to not make the sexual side a driver in his life that the more he "hid" it or ignored it the worse he felt.

 

It would be easier if someone was "all bad", then a decision is easier. He would do something incredibly selfish that would make me think- what am I doing? and then do something something caring and sweet.

 

I think I had a tendency to try to "ignore" a problem and avoid conflict in my personal feelings. Which is strange when I basically run and manage my job and the extended family issues head on. After the tragic deaths of both my fathers, I learned that in real life it does not matter what you want, it is what it is. I think that is what gave me the strength to face the fact that our marriage was not fixable and to ask my husband for a separation.

 

It still make me incredibly sad- I cried much of it out last night. I am going to see a MC today, one that help us during the last crisis. I want to see if we can do this without anger and in the best interest of the family.

 

I might be dreaming again! I will let you know so that maybe someone here can give me a whack on the head if I start becoming a doormat once more.