Men's opinion PLEASE

[happybeingme]

WARNING! I TEND TO BE LONG WINDED (of course, I'm a chick) .....

 

Here it is. I have been friends with this man for about 3 years. The last 15 months or so we have been what I would term "best friends". Not a day has gone by (LITERALLY) during that time where we have not touched base in some way; call, hang out, e-mail, text, something. This includes time when he is on vacations or camping and times when he is on business trips.

 

He and I have confided in one another about everything. When things are difficult, he's the first one I call and vice versa. When things go great it is the same thing. We can contact one another 24 / 7 for the most part. He dates occasionally, and I always know. Heck ..... I balance his checkbook and take care of his finances. If you've ever done that, you know that it is as telling as being someone's mail carrier. I see checks, receipts (even for cash) credit card statements ... everything.

 

My children are on his emergency list a his work. If they ever call him, his work will pull him out of meetings or whatever to get the call to him. The only other people on that list are his kids.

 

About once a month we find ourselves out of town together. I go to his conferences he comes with me on my trips.

 

We have washed each other's clothes and spent the night in each other's beds. At this point we are the only one the other has sex with, although that is from circumstance not from a choice to be monogomous. However, I have chosen to be monogomous with him and he knows it.

 

So here's my dilema.

 

He tells me I am his best friend. He has been there for me when my world literally crashed. I have been there for him when he thought there was no where. I like this kind of friendship. We have our own homes, and our own friends.

 

What does this mean to you guys out there?

 

You spend 90% of your free time (meaning he doesn't have his kids or work- and when he does we still talk, IM, e-mail or text) with someone, you confide in them about things you would never dream tell anyone else, you tell them you "trust" them more than you have anyone else in your life, you say that you enjoy the physical side of the relationship because it feels so good, you say that you are "blessed" to have this friendship ..... and none of this is a pushy, overworked thing. The words are sparing, the actions HUGE.

 

I'm a chick, so that sounds like some commitment and some kind of serious connection. Yes?

 

Why does he continue to pursue this other woman whom he has slept with, gone out with and enjoyed the company of .... but he does so in cycles. Sometimes he pushes her off, other times he is asking her every day if she is free to do something. She wants a committed monogomous relationship, he wants a friend who feels good naked. When he pursues her, she thinks he isn't seeing anyone else and then she starts to want to plan things with him, then he pulls away. She hasn't had sex with him since November (they decided it wasn't right for their friendship), but they do occasionally spend the night in bed together (and yeah, I know) and all this time she doesn't know about me. They wind up going out together about once a month .... twice on a good month. Out means bike rides, or movies at his place, sometimes a play, or drinks.

 

He tells me he has been clear with her that he doesn't want a relationship and that he has "friends". I think she doesn't get it. And he wouldn't dare tell her about me because then it would ruin his "play". As a matter of fact, I know that he makes it seem to her that he does things with LOTS of friends when in reality it is mostly just me.

 

So ..... if he trusts me so much and lets me in on so much of his personal life (past and present) and claims he enjoys spending all this time etc with me ..... what is he looking for in her?

 

I have asked him, and he says their friendship is about as far as it will go and that he really has only a few things in common with her, but he thinks she is a nice person who needs a friend.

 

I happen to know she is really looking to find a man in her life.

 

What is going on here?

 

Am I going to lose my best friend?

 

I am really worried .....

[Moose]

Ok, well, I'm famous for just laying it out there, so don't take this too personally.

 

I think the man has it made!!! He's got the best of both worlds basically! He's got you whenever he wants you, and then he gets the other girl every now and then. I don't see you losing your best friend at all. He's got the perfect set up happening, why would he mess it up?

 

You're giving him all the emotional support and you are there when he needs a friend, then to top it off......he gets to have sex with you. Then, he goes and sees this other chick, and you know about it!!! How do you know that they aren't having sex?

 

I think that you either need to pursue a real relationship with him, or let him go to this other chick. There isn't anything good that can happen in between.

[happybeingme]

Hmmmm How do I know they no longer have sex.

 

Okay, this is from a chapter out of "evil chick" world so don't judge .... We all know one another through our kids' school. I keep in touch with a friend of hers who can't shut up. This woman has no clue that she is telling me all about my best friend. She just talks in general about this woman and this guy she is trying to land. Times and places match up perfectly. She thought he would date her if she provided sex. Didn't happen. Now she is trying the, "If I withhold, he will be mine" method of catching him.

 

Now I have a dilema.

 

He's been married twice (each for over 10 years), me once (for over 15 years). I really don't want a serious relationship, I'm just not up for it, nor am I willing to bring that kind of relationship into my kids' life. It isn't fair to them, and I don't want to negotiate and compromise again.

 

What I want is to have him in my life, and have me be special to him. That I have. Truth is he provides me with almost everything I need, except to stop going after her. There is another woman he goes out and has movies and drinks with on occasion, but it isn't the same. He can take her or leave her. That doesn't bug me. This one he just can't seem to let go .... of course there have been nights when he has had plans with her and cancels to hang out with me. I just can't read this at all!

 

One of my friends said its a case of wanting what you can't have, and playing the game.

 

 

I don't know how to do that. I tend to be brutally honest .... and at times it costs me.

 

I am really scared I will have to walk away from this guy, and that I am failing again .......

[SavesTheDay]

How do you know he cancels plans with the other girl? You dont believe him, do you?

 

I think Moose said it best.