many years, one wonderful child. She's leaving

[lifeonhold]

Hello,

 

I'm new and am desperate for insight, answers and possible suggestions.

 

My wife and I met first in 5th grade, we lost track of eachother for years, bumped into eachother in Jr. High and then again in the Senior year of Highschool. We began to build a friendship, holding off taking the friendship further for many months. We finally did take it to the next level and things became more serious from there. We moved in together after a year or so, a year beyond that we moved into our first home. Happy years pass. Her Mother was killed, it was a very tough time for her. I know she did not handle it very well. Later that year, after discussing it on and off for a few years, we decided to have a baby. At this point we had been together for almost six years. She is an amazing little girl and the light of both our lives, she is now 2 1/2 years old, beautiful and smart as can be.

 

When our daughter was about a year old, my wife became depressed and I could tell things were not working out. She wanted a divorce (did not directly tell me), instead she consulted her Brother, Sister and their significant others who were living with us (read: we had never really been alone all these years). Her Brother and Sister thought she was making a horrible mistake, I'll tell you my Wife's reasoning in just a minute. They cornered her into trying to make it work. Part of her criteria to try and make it work was for me to take her out more often, do the wine dine and dance routine. But she also wanted to move to the outskirts of town almost 40 miles away that prohibbited us from getting time away from our child.

 

We (at her and my desire) filled our lives with material things, a HUGE home, new furniture, 2 new cars and on, and on. I knew she had not been happy. Our sex life has never been amazingly consistant. I must push her into intimacy, to the point of feeling guilty. I knew she had been molested as a child and wrote the problems off to that. She had been seeing a Therapist to deal with her unhappiness and depression, she began to take medication to aid in sleeping and physical discomfort due to what we though was stress.

 

Fast forward to last week.

 

I return from a business trip that had me away from home for a week, this only happens once or twice a year. When I returned I could tell something was wrong. She was distant and cold. I thought she was mad at me for some reason. After two days, she asked if I wanted to know why she was being like this. She gave me a letter. It was many pages but basically said: "You are a great Father, you have taken such good care of me and our daughter. I feel as if I owe you my life. I am not happy and have not been for some time, I'm no longer in love with you and I'm not physically attracted to you. I love you though. I want to be friends but I cannot go on living a lie. I must get drunk and force myself to be intimate and I can't stand seeing you in pain like that anymore. I owe it to myself to be happy. I want to be alone. I want a separation and possibly a divorce.

 

I was shattered. I am so deeply in love with her, I am so happy with her. She says it can't work on me being happy alone. I know this is true. She was physically attracted to me and we were deeply in love years ago. I have not changed physically and neither has she, the child put a few pounds on her but I always considered and still think of her as the most beautiful woman on earth, I tell her this regularly.

 

She says her Therapist has helped her drill down into what is wrong. This is her decision and she won't let anything change her mind. My heart is so broken, I'm quite depressed. She says she has been preparing for this for a couple years. I have had a week. I fear that she may be doing this for all the wrong reasons, but nothing I say or do is getting through. I'm not pushing, instead trying to support her decision, telling her I only want her to be happy. This is half true as I want to be happy as well.

 

Looking through her cell phone bill (attached to mine) I realized she has become good friends and has a crush/physical attraction on a mutual friend. He is just completing a divorce with his wife that he initiated. She says nothing physical has happened, and that the discussion has not turned toward "more than friends" between them, but I know she has begun an emotional relationship with him. They talk on the phone many times a day. Go out on the weekend at times etc. She promises nothing is going on physically, I believe her. She says her leaving is not based on her wanting to begin a new relationship. She says she thinks he is very nice though, and can't promise nothing could ever happen between them. She says she wants to be alone for the first time in her life and "find out who she is" what she likes, have more friends, find someone who makes her happy, who she is in love with and is physically attracted to.

 

I fear she may be just looking for the spark we had when we first got together. I tell her this spark always fades in every relationship. Being "in-love" is a concious decision, marriage is about love and committment. She says she is no longer committed.

 

We have always been great friends, and regardless of what happens, we will always be tied by our daughter, and will always be good friends. I am so broken over this, it hurts worse than anything I've ever experienced, even the loss of my Father in my youth. We have never had any abuse in our relationship, not verbal, not physical. I want to hold onto the hope that she will see the grass is not greener, that the spark will fade and that she will return to me in a few months or a year. My life is on hold, my heart is crushed and all I want is my family together, her by my side loving me as much as I do her. I'm a giver and a provider, I have always put myself behind my family in order of priority. Please help me.

 

Sorry for the diatribe, I know it was a long read.

 

 

JD

[reservoirdog1]

JD...

 

Wow. There are a lot of similarities between our situations... one of the differences being, however, that I'm a year further out than you are.

 

You asked for insight, answers, and suggestions. I don't know how much of those I can offer. But maybe hearing about a similar experience from somebody else will help.

 

Last August, after seven married years that I thought had been spent in mutual happiness, my wife sat me down after our two kids were asleep. Like yours, she'd been moody and cold for a couple of days, and I had no idea why. I, too, thought she was mad at me for something. Like your situation, mine had had ups and downs. The last year, in particular, had been rough for both of us, but it seemed there was light at the end of the tunnel. And through it all, I believed that, whatever the stresses, we were fundamentally solid. She'd never told me otherwise... quite the opposite, in fact.

 

Then she laid it all out. In the next hour, she told me that she'd basically been unhappy since before the wedding and had married me with massive doubts. She'd married me knowing that she didn't love me the way spouses should but had gone ahead anyway, hoping that marriage would solve the problems.

 

Needless to say, it didn't. Where my story differs from yours (I hope) is that she'd had one affair during the engagement, another within weeks of the wedding, and another a few years later. I was totally oblivious to any of this. She'd also been carrying on an "emotional affair" with the 3rd guy since that physical affair ended.

 

I was in shock. Basically what I learned was that the person I considered to be my best friend, who had sworn to be faithful to me, and who I loved more than anything, had been an illusion. We tried to rebuild for the next two months but she decided that she didn't want to try anymore. We separated a month later and have stayed that way. In the first few months we had talks about trying again but they all came to nothing. The ten months since the separation have been subject to wild ups and downs and a number of highly emotional shouting matches. These, plus the truth I received, have all been very draining... so much so that I feel as though all the love that I had for her has been sucked out of me, leaving only a sad, strange mixture of antipathy and indifference.

 

Here's where the similarity really starts. During the 2-month attempted reconciliation (though it probably started earlier than that), she started hanging out, going for drinks etc. with a rich middle-aged guy also going through a divorce. I knew about this, and during the reconciliation at one point I got her to admit that he was probably interested in her as more than a friend. She cooled things with him but the reconciliation attempt only lasted a few more weeks after that. She maintained that they were "just friends", and that their meetings were really just her listening to him talk.

 

When she said she couldn't try anymore, she said she wanted to be alone, not get into a new relationship right away, etc. etc. A few weeks after this, when I was packing during our "transition month", I came home and found him there. They were just talking, but it hurt like hell. Later I asked her if she was interested in him. She said she might be. They started seeing each other during the first 2 months of the separation and have been in a relationship since January.

 

For the first few months after she laid it all out, I too just wanted to have a happy family with her. I wanted to work through things. Like you, I'd subsumed myself into my marriage and my life with her, at the expense of myself (which was a big mistake in retrospect, because initially, my life suddenly felt very meaningless without her). That's one of the things I've tried to remedy in the months since. I've dated a number of women but haven't found "The One" yet. Clearly, she has, and that bugs me sometimes... I'm the one, after all, who liked being in the relationship and now I'm left without one.

 

You need to do a few things. Ask her to give things some time. Ask her to commit to couples' counselling with you. Also, try to do some things that are more obviously "just for you" -- demonstrate that, outwardly at least, you have an independent life. Start hitting the gym. Update your wardrobe. Get together with friends. The purpose of this is present a strong, confident appearance for her benefit. The attractiveness of this, coupled with her realization that you may be preparing to get on with your life, is probably the most likely thing to get her to reconsider.

 

Most importantly, however, try your damnedest not to seem outwardly as heartbroken as you feel. That will be tough, because you ARE heartbroken. But it can be done. When you ask her to try counselling with you, don't beg... be firm. Tell her that you owe it to each other to at least try to fix the marriage before you end it. Consider telling her, point blank, that you're not going to beg her or go down on bended knee. A display of strength from you will get her attention; begging and abject sadness won't.

 

In my case, I did all of those things... and she begged me, three times, to come back. I also asked her twice, without begging, to try again. It all came to nought, but given that she seemed dead set on ending things when we agreed to separate, I was a bit surprised that she begged.

 

I hope this has been at least some help to you. Just know that you're not alone. Also... check out <URL removed> -- they have an entire program on how to save your marriage. It sounds to me like it could be just the thing for you.

 

Good luck brother... I wish you the best.

[lifeonhold]

Thank you so much reservoirdog, (which happens to be on my top 5 favorite movies of all time list.)

 

I'm sorry to hear that in addition to the pain of the marriage and love loss, she also betrayed you. I do honestly believe my wife has not.

 

I have asked her to not rush into divorce, I have stated that if dating and being alone is what she wants, a separation is sufficient. I asked her to realize that the only thing that will let her determine whether or not this is a mistake, is time. And we owe it to eachother and ourselves to give it some time.

 

I have strongly asked for couples therapy. I have told her we can even go to see her therapist to make her more comfortable. She does not want to, I'm not going to push it right now.

 

I told her I support her decision and will be a friend. I have said that I think what is making her unhappy with us and me is in fact inside herself. I have said I hope that there is hope down the road for us, be it 6 weeks, months or years. I followed with the fact I hope she does not get hurt further during that time, this is my worst fear. I feel she is identifying her source of unhappiness and absence of physical attraction at me when in reality, it is inside of her. I just don't want her to damage herself before or during this realization.

 

Thanks from the bottom of my heart, it has helped.

 

JD

[DazednConfused]

Ah Life'

 

My story is very similar to yours as well. I have read Res's story, and the common theme for all of us is one or more outside "friend(s)".

 

Your wife will never think clearly about you with another man waiting in the wings and exerting influence upon her. She talks to him several times a day. Goes out with him on weekends. I'm gonna come out and say what Res and I are both thinking deep down, but he was too kind to say... if she hasn't slept with him already (I think she prolly has) she will, and soon.

 

Man, my wife swore up and down to me that she and her OM were "just friends". Clear up until I was packing her bags for her. She told some of the truth when faced with a quick exit. My story is in the Infidelity forum titled "wife made stupid mistake" so I will not go more into it here, read it if you like.

 

Your wife has already detached herself from you, and said she wants to separate. I wouldn't believe for a second that it is "so she can be alone". She tells you that to try and spare your feelings.

 

In my case, my wife did not want a divorce, and still awnted to be with me, had ended her affair months before i found out for sure, etc. And so we are trying.

 

I have to agree with Res, the only chance you have is to follow his advice.... get tough without getting mean, show her your best and happy side. Weepy moaning heartbroken men are not attractive my friend. I think you know what you want, but she does not know for sure yet.

 

Do your best to rediscover the guy she fell in love with and married back then. It's your only real shot.

 

I wish you the best.

[Devildog]

Is this a recurring theme in most seperation divorce issues where the wife is the one who initiates the seperation? Sounds a bit like my situation. Granted there are other issues that have played a role in us getting to the point of seperating.

 

My issue has been with a male friend of hers. When my wife and I first started dating, about 2 months into the relationship this guy broke up with his current girlfriend. He started calling my future wife and stopping by her parent's house to visit her. I wasn't real comfortable with it. He swore that he "respected our relationship and wouldn't do anything to interfere with that". Against my better judgement and at my future wife's request I didn't make an issue about it. Two weeks later the guy tried to kiss my girlfriend and future wife. She told him to get lost, lose her phone number and not come over anymore. And she came out and told me what had happened. Fast forward 8 years. The guy got married early this year and was getting a divorce 3 months after that. Who does he come to for moral support? My wife of 5 years. He swears that he "respects our marriage and wouldn't do anything to interfere with that" Sound familiar? This time, I have serious issues with it. I don't trust people automatically, it has to be earned. I made an exception once at my future wife's request and I got burned on it. I don't trust the SOB any farther than I can throw him. I work nights. he comes over to my house to visit with my wife after I go to work. Again, I trust my wife. We have a 2 1/2 year old and I find it highly unlikely she would fool around with another guy with our daughter in the next room. Plus, she tells me when he comes over or calls. Based on the 8+ years I have known her she isn't devious enough to come clean on his visits in an attempt to throw my suspicions off. I trust her, I just don't trust him alone with my wife while I am not within quick striking distance if she needs me. This has been a problem for our relationship.

[lifeonhold]

well, it has been a bit over a month now. My wife moved out and is due to move into an apartment on the 6th. The house is sold, I'm still staying here until I must turnover keys on the 11th.

 

She is die-hard convinced there is no chance for us to get back together. She is moving on. I am unable to at this point regardless how hard I try.

 

I found some messages on her phone that lead me to believe she has been sleeping with this other guy (used to be my friend). She denies it, I want to believe her but have serious doubts.

 

Amazing that a woman could throw away a loving devoted husband, a family and all the trimmings to go off and search for the ideality, even illusion of "happiness".

 

I truly feel that she has turned our relationship and marriage into a scapegoat to blame for all her lifelong unhappiness.

 

She says there was no passion in our marriage, well I assure you there was plenty from me, just not returned. I'm torn between hanging on to hopes and dreams of us working through things in the future, and getting together again, or just dumping that hope. I can't seem to shake the deep feeling that this is all just not right, that this is not what she really wants, or not the right path to take towards what it is she is looking for.

 

I hate not seeing my daughter for 2+ days at a time.

 

I don't think she has any concept of what this has done, and is doing to me. I am sure she is not overly concerned about me. She says she loves me and cares about me deeply, that I am a great Father and was a perfect Husband, bottom line is she was not happy with me. Well, she did a damn good job of convincing everyone otherwise for 8 years.

 

I've heard the terms "enders" and "stayers" used on this forum. I am surely the former, as if I were happy with her, I would work on it and not leave. I now know she is the latter, all along I thought she was a stayer as well.

 

It is a shame how fickle love can be.

[DazednConfused]

Ah life,

 

I feel so very badly for you and your situation. I wish things had worked out for you the way you wanted. All you can do now is go on as best you can. Something good will come along soon, and you will find happiness again.

 

Just be sure and take care of yourself and your daughter first! Be her Dad if you can't be a husband to her mother.

 

I wish you the best.

 

-Dazed