I honestly hate my mother in law she will be the reason for my divorce in the future

[ceres12]

Okay i know i have written before about my MIL, but i am at the point that i honestly feel terrible, upset and sad all the same. I love my husband dearly and would do anything for him and he is a great great husband but i fear his mother will be the one to end our relationship because i can't take her selfishness and i never stay quiet.

 

I Understand I just have to deal with her and all but sometimes it gets to the point that i just want to tell her off so bad!!!

 

A little history:

Before our wedding she made a rumor about my dad wanting to be with her even before me and my husband met WTF, First off my dad does not even know this woman and me and my now husband proved that it was all lies and she could of pretty much destroyed my wonderful parents marriage ove ra lie. My dad is the most respectful person and serious man i know in my life, him and my mother have been together for over a century and how dare this woman say such a thing. She is anything but attractive she litteraly is repulsive. Anyway ever since then i completely lost respect for her even though she said i thought your dad was someone else it just is not the same for me. i dont want to even talk to her. My husband knows all this but now is water under the bridge but not for me, she disrespected me once she messed with my family i knew it was never going to be the same and i would never forgive her for that.

 

so now she is asking for money, and am at the point that i want to just tell her no but my husband believes her when she acts all dramatic and says how rough times are!!! NO ****, your not the only ones experiencing this, what pisses me off ever since i met my husband she has been crying to my husband about money and it does not stop. My husband is an idiot and believes her every time! He loves his parents and does anything for their family but sometimes i see how much they freeload off him and abuse his good heart!

 

I hate her i honestly hate her and it hurts me that so to not be disrespectful to his mother or my husband i have to stay quiet and watch him bow to her knees. I hate his mother i honestly resent her and i cant stand her. I don't know what to do. She has no respect to the fact that we want to save money for our future, for a home for our new life, she does not care she is selfish and wont ever stop.

 

I am really upset and depressed and really needed to vent, for those of you have had horrible difficult in laws i honestly have tried talking to my husband but it is his mother so there is up to so much one can say. She wont stop, she expect us to pay 5,000$ on vacation to come visit us cause she cant afford it for her,her husband and her daughter. Like we are made out of money and we just got MARRIED! Not even a year yet! I hate her, i honestly hate her guts! And i cant stand it that is why i fear that my marriage will end because we have a lot of fights because of his mom taking advantage, my dam parents are not like that at all they are struggling and still ask me if i am okay and need anything or want them to send me anything for me and my husband, they are loving sweet parents and never once have asked for a dime!

 

I honestly don't know how to open my husband's eyes!His parents guilt trip him so much and he always gives in and it is so sad!I just want him to open his eyes and I fear it will never happen until the day i just can't take it anymore and sadly walk away!

Edited May 8, 2013 by ceres12

[Radu]

All i can say is don't have kids with this man untill this is settled.

And give yourself a timetable [i woulnd't tell him], get him to read books on this unhealthy dependance or try to educate him on it.

Keep your finances separate from his, because his finances seem to belong to his mother.

 

If you see no change in the timetable you have set for yourself, leave and do not look back, start D proceedings.

That will get him running to you, but i wouldn't give in at that point, you should not have to use threats to get things through to him.

 

PS: A while back i remember meeting this woman who married a guy with a mother just like this.

Her problem was the girl's accent, believe it or not.

So she interfered with their marriage up to the point where they divorced.

Because this was back in the old communist system, she had a lot of stigma attached to her, and she could not move outside of the apartment building, so she saw him daily ... so they decided to remain friends [to make it easier for her].

Well, she met a guy who was single with a kid [his wife died], they got married, they had a very nice family together and she had 3 kids with him.

They still love each other after 20+yrs and all of their kids are successes.

[KraftDinner]

Separate finances.

 

That's all I'm going to say.

[Taramere]

I honestly don't know how to open my husband's eyes!His parents guilt trip him so much and he always gives in and it is so sad!I just want him to open his eyes and I fear it will never happen until the day i just can't take it anymore and sadly walk away!

 

Growing up in the environment they likely created for him, he has probably learned to deal with conflict by biting his tongue and giving in all the time. The overall sense I get from your post is that you are indeed in a difficult situation, dealing with a very difficult in-law and that you see your options as being

 

a) biting your tongue and tolerating the situation for as long as you can

b) exploding and saying exactly what you think

c) forcing your husband to choose between his marriage and maintaining a relationship with his mother

d) walking away

 

There is the fifth option of telling your husband that you are extremely committed to the marriage, that you want the pair of you to make it an excellent marriage - but that from your perspective there are problems relating to your relationship with his parents (and I know that you'd want to put it in terms of "problems relating to his mother's behaviour/dysfunction" but that approach won't improve the situation, I promise you). That you think it would be useful to discuss these within a marriage counselling session in the hope of figuring out ways of dealing with the difficulties calmly and effectively.

 

Your situation sounds extremely difficult and testing. I think it would be extremely difficult to have the sort of discussions you need to have with your husband without it deterioriating into a torrent of angry emotions, blame-attributing and ultimatum issuing. That's not a reflection on you or your husband's ability to discuss things like adults, but on the difficulty of the situation you're currently in. If you want to preserve your marriage, I think you have to get into the mode where you are very focused on doing that.

 

It won't be achieved by opening your husband's eyes up to "what his parents are like". An approach like that is doomed to become the kind of ultimatum issuing nightmare that places unbearable stress on relationships. Those heated, "let's just spew out exactly what we're thinking/feeling here and to hell with the consequences" talks never go well, even if they feel cathartic at the time. Book a marriage counselling session with a reputable counsellor so that you can discuss the strain your Mother-in-law's behaviour is placing on your marriage in a calm, safe environment.

Edited May 8, 2013 by Taramere

[ceres12]

Thank you all so very much! I appreciate so much every single one of your feedbacks. I feel lost worried and overwhelmed because it is extremely hard as me and my husband love each other so much! But his mother is truly hurting our relationship. We don't live anywhere near her and yet she is ruining our lives without been present i can't imagine when we decide to move back to our hometown!

 

I am upset am angry, but i know my husband wont give in to counseling it is a touchy subject that not everyone will take lightly not because he doesnt want to help our marriage but because i have been holding everything in and he doesn't see anything wrong. It is really really hard but i will wait till she butts in again and i will sit my husband down and have a heart to heart and see how that goes, i dont want to just randomly out of the blue say your parents this and that right? So i will wait on the moment again that his mom tries to intrude and bring it up to his attention what do you guys think? Also, i will try that free hotline.

 

Thank you all so so much you dont know how much it means to hear some advices in return i honestly feel like i wont be able to deal with her and her selfishness. Its bad enough she wants to name both our kids (which we are not having anytime soon) whenever we do have them she says she is naming them after her if it is a girl and after her husband if it is a boy!

 

I just honestly can't deal with her if my own parents are not this way, i will sure as hell not take it from her. I honestly pray that me and my husband make it through because he is wonderful and i love him so much and he is amazing. It will break my heart if it all ends because of this woman but i wont sit around and expect her to use me and my husband as a doormat either.

 

Thank you all again, wish me luck this is really hard!

[Taramere]

Thank you all so very much! I appreciate so much every single one of your feedbacks. I feel lost worried and overwhelmed because it is extremely hard as me and my husband love each other so much! But his mother is truly hurting our relationship. We don't live anywhere near her and yet she is ruining our lives without been present i can't imagine when we decide to move back to our hometown!

 

I am upset am angry, but i know my husband wont give in to counseling it is a touchy subject that not everyone will take lightly not because he doesnt want to help our marriage but because i have been holding everything in and he doesn't see anything wrong. It is really really hard but i will wait till she butts in again and i will sit my husband down and have a heart to heart and see how that goes, i dont want to just randomly out of the blue say your parents this and that right? So i will wait on the moment again that his mom tries to intrude and bring it up to his attention what do you guys think? Also, i will try that free hotline.

 

Thank you all so so much you dont know how much it means to hear some advices in return i honestly feel like i wont be able to deal with her and her selfishness. Its bad enough she wants to name both our kids (which we are not having anytime soon) whenever we do have them she says she is naming them after her if it is a girl and after her husband if it is a boy!

 

I just honestly can't deal with her if my own parents are not this way, i will sure as hell not take it from her. I honestly pray that me and my husband make it through because he is wonderful and i love him so much and he is amazing. It will break my heart if it all ends because of this woman but i wont sit around and expect her to use me and my husband as a doormat either.

 

Thank you all again, wish me luck this is really hard!

 

Good luck, ceres. That hotline sounds like a good idea. Talking things out with somebody who's trained to listen and to help you feel calmer will hopefully prepare you to raise this difficult subject with your husband.

[Seachelle1]

Ceres:

 

I understand. My ex-husband's mother was horrible.

 

You only have options that may well have bad results.

 

A. Keep it all in and continue biting your tongue. What will probably happen here is you will either grow to hate your husband or you will simply explode.

B. Talk about it and deal with the results. Come to an agreement with your husband about how to deal with this situation so you aren't miserable. This could go either well, in that your husband is willing to meet you about and compromise or it could cause a rift in your marriage.

 

The other options were to talk bad about your mother in law to your husband. Don't do this! No no no no. It's the one thing I can say will have no good outcome no matter what! Gossiping always brings the gossiper down, not the gossipee. He loves her and will think less of you for talking bad. It can only hurt you.

 

If your husband won't go to counseling with you then you need to go to counseling by yourself and get help if you hope to stay married. Your counselor will guide you with more information and how to talk/not talk with your husband. I just spoke with my own counselor today about how to navigate a business where I hired my sister as an employee. It is NOT easy to tell family bad news or to be the "bad guy." But it is a good skill to have so that your boundaries are strong and so that you will be happier. If your husband truly loves you and you have the right tools to communicate to him in a good way then there will be no lasting damage.

 

My counselor told me to make a list of what I need so that it isn't a direct criticism, it becomes about expressing your heart and framing things in a positive fashion. What do you need from your husband? What do you need in terms of money? What do you need from your mother in law? What boundaries do you need?

 

Ceres, is there ever a chance you won't hate your mother-in-law? Asking your husband to distance himself all the way from his mother is not a good idea in general, unless it's more unhealthy than what you're saying. It's not a good idea to hate someone forever who is a part of your family. It's painful and tears families apart.

[ceres12]

Ceres:

 

I understand. My ex-husband's mother was horrible.

 

You only have options that may well have bad results.

 

A. Keep it all in and continue biting your tongue. What will probably happen here is you will either grow to hate your husband or you will simply explode.

B. Talk about it and deal with the results. Come to an agreement with your husband about how to deal with this situation so you aren't miserable. This could go either well, in that your husband is willing to meet you about and compromise or it could cause a rift in your marriage.

 

The other options were to talk bad about your mother in law to your husband. Don't do this! No no no no. It's the one thing I can say will have no good outcome no matter what! Gossiping always brings the gossiper down, not the gossipee. He loves her and will think less of you for talking bad. It can only hurt you.

 

Ceres, is there ever a chance you won't hate your mother-in-law? Asking your husband to distance himself all the way from his mother is not a good idea in general, unless it's more unhealthy than what you're saying. It's not a good idea to hate someone forever who is a part of your family. It's painful and tears families apart.

 

 

I messed up real bad last night real real real bad, i was so angry and i just let everything out and he got so mad as he should since it is after all his parents. Its a touchy subject and a delicate at that. May i ask how did you deal with your ex mother in law? I feel awful i said everything that was in my brain i could not take it anymore and i exploded, i was a ticking time bomb and happened to explode. He asked me to take everything back and i refused to and eventually said i did just as to not hurt him anymore and now our relationship is extremely awkward for all i said but i just hate the fact that his parents are honestly ruining our relationship and am tired. I hate it.

 

I honestly will not disrespect her or be rude to my mother in law but as i said to my husband i lost all respect for her ever since she said that lie about my dad and disrespected me, ever since that day i completely just closed that book with her and thats it. I will respect her i will not be rude but i wont bend my back over and backwards for her. I am angry at myself for not taking a different approach in speaking to my husband and now things are just real real bad.

 

He told me how are we to have kids if you hate my parents and he is right but i just see it as in how are we to have kids and buy a home and get everything we need if they constantly want and need money! How are we going to have any savings for our future goals and dreams. He just sees it as in my parents are in need, but this is never new and has always been like this they always ask for money. am real upset about myself i messed up real bad i just couldn't take it anymore. I fear this is how it starts and it already has and i am already loosing this battle.

[UpwardForward]

How dare him tell you to "take everything back". I hope you were able to state your case in a factual manner. Even though he was angry, I'm sure he will take your feelings into consideration. And he is responsible for the outcome.

 

Her going out of her way to lie about your father is one thing. The money factor will stay with you in your whole marriage, if she is getting money from your husband.

 

And yes, separate bank accounts if you have your own income. And try not to get pregnant just yet.

 

With some marriages the mother is always the stigma. But he must learn to keep everything Separate.

[Seachelle1]

I am so sorry that you exploded. It is tough to navigate marriage issues.

 

In my situation, my mother-in-law was emotionally abusive to my ex and whenever that happened he would then drink and yell at me as a result.

 

He would spend some time hoping to have a relationship with her and then she'd turn on him and be very ugly. She did the same with me. I suspect she was Borderline. She would talk bad about me to everyone and because I had uprooted myself to be with him, there were relationships closed before they started. She was passive aggressive and creepy evangelical (no offense to any Christians, my dad was a pastor, but there can be creepy and racist Christianity).

 

Here's one instance: I was working with a women's shelter and sending money via my business to a shelter in Central America. I'd been reading and learning Spanish and I was telling her about what little I had learned. I was trying to tell her about my life, to share a bit of myself. In response she asked me, "are they the people who do human sacrifices?" I was upset so became jerky but tried to hide it and I spilled the salt and dropped a spoon. I was very flustered. She then went and told everyone that I had been trying to destroy her glasses (which were on the restaurant table). I actually had to explain to my then husband that I had been very flustered and had been trying to hide it and be polite out of respect. I explained to him what she had said to me. (In response he was silent for awhile then shook his head and softly told me 'I am sorry.') I did a business venture with her and she was like another child, ruining business relationships by talking behind my back.

 

See, my ex checked out of our relationship about two months into our marriage. It was an incredible disaster. I stuck with him for another year and I regret doing so. He refused to respond to my parents' attempts to become friends with him (even though he said he liked my dad and cried after my dad died) and was disrespectful to everyone in my family, blowing them off again and again. He acted like I was an extension of him, not my own person with my own needs. I became his emotional punching bag. He treated me like crap.

 

So essentially: there was no way to deal with the mother-in-law issue because they had no interest in talking anything through. To them, I wasn't human but an extension of them to be used to vent their own pain and inability to deal with life.

 

I carried their loads for much too long. I supported them financially. Then, I too, checked out and finally flew away on a jet plane, never to return.

 

I think what would have worked IF he had been emotionally ready for it would have been to have marriage counseling. I believe it is the only way your marriage can survive. You will need to compromise, you may need to open doors you consider closed. Likewise he will need to discuss the joining of our financial situation and that he cannot just give money away now and that decisions must be made together. If you bend on giving of emotions and building burnt bridges there is a chance he will bend on the financials and your marriage will not go downhill.

 

You are a newlywed. You will learn that you are two now and you cannot make decisions alone. Compromise is utterly essential, a democracy of two, not one. It will stretch you. I don't know about the rewards because my own was so toxic but I have heard from lovely married couples that the rewards are profuse.

 

Please, though. Go to a counselor. You sound very unhappy and he/she will give you tools to deal with this difficult situation. I am a big supporter of therapy. It has saved me over and over.

[ceres12]

He felt offended because i said horrible things about his mother because i couldn't bite my tongue anymore we got into a heated argument and i exploded and everything i was holding in just came out which was pretty horrible. The worst of all i did not want to take it back but i said i did to ease the tension and the argument from getting any worse. He wanted me to take it back because it hurt him that i said those things about his parents. Believe me i still feel a bit at fault but all the same at ease about exploding i was holding it in so long and it was taking a toll.

 

 

Seachelle1: Thanks for the advice, its horrible what you went through with your mother in law, i dont understand how hard is it to just let your kids grow and be happy, why must they interfere in every single thing. Ever since me and my husband got married that woman has non stop been selfish! I do want to go to therapy and i support it, the thing is for our case is different, you see we are military and that can affect my husband's job and it is just more complicated than the civilian world. Because whatever you do it gets reported to the highest boss and it is way complicated and something not to be taken too lightly because every single step you take gets accounted against you.

 

It is just pretty different and complicated, and i wouldn't want my husband to get in trouble at work and it can get pretty bad for him even if it is something about us going for his MIL and what not. I know it sounds insane but it is true the military life is so different.

 

That is why i try to vent and let some out here just so i can let out some steam otherwise ill explode like i did last night. It is hard, it is extremely hard. I do love my husband and now he hates me its awkward now, i want to sit down and talk to him but i don't even know how to start without sounding off offensive again.

The argument from last night was really horrible we mentioned divorce and everything it was pretty bad.

I even told him why is it that every time you speak to your parents or they call it is just bad news, and he says no its not i just tell you the bad (LIES) because this woman has the nerve to email me and tell me she needs to talk to him it is important, how come she doesn't call just to be like hi honey am glad your okay hope all is well, no they call when something is wrong, they need money, when are you sending the money, they cry about stupid things and this pisses me off. He does not see this. I told him, my parents are not like this they never asked me for money ever, no matetr how rough times were, they even send me stuff as well as for him, and he had the nerve to say i never asked your mom to send me anything WTF how dare he, he is right she didnt have to but she did because she cares you know. This hurt me! Because my parents are so nice and humble and do everything out of love and he rejects it and hates them for it.

 

Am so angry and hurt and just really hate this, i just wish he would see his parents for what they truly are freeloaders and i told him so and he got mad at me obviously since it is his parents. He will never ever see the wrong ever, and i know for a fact it will not get better.

 

am stuck, i hate this. I honestly do not even want to have kids anytime soon and it sucks because i am starting to feel that i dont want kids at all and its horrible because i want my parents to be grandparents and i wanted a family forever but this environment just makes me not want kids.

 

His mother goes through little tantrums from time to time where she wants to "kill" herself and depression and all these unhealthy things just for attention i am not kidding (its all a show, i dont even buy that anymore it has gotten so freaking old is just pathetic, childish, and extremely overrated and immature) So i told him a very long time ago we spoke that i do not feel comfortable when we do have kids leaving them with his mom as i have my reasons, i said i have no problem with them visiting your parents or what not but thats it.

He said my parents raised me and i came out just fine, and i said yea she raised you she is your mother,but i raise my kids how i want and i name them what i want (she wants to name our kids long story) and i dont feel comfortable leaving our kids with them they will stay with my parents if anything. And all this just makes me realize more and more if i even ever want kids with my husband and it is sad. Its just all very difficult and i do not know how to change it. My husband is the one that needs to put a stop to his parents and i know he wont. At times i feel like telling his mother something and i know she would just cause more problems by been dramatic she has done it before simply cause i ignore her and i do not cater to her little show like everyone else does.

 

I am starting to regret marrying my husband and it is sad because i love him a lot and he loves me very much. But with this person between us its just never going to work out if he doesn't stop her and he wont i know he wont.

[TaraMaiden]

Write him a letter. make it practical, logical and explain how you feel.

Including telling him you took it back to appease him.

 

Then pack some things, leave and go to your parents.

For a month.

Tell him in the letter, you're going.

Make sure your finances ARE separate.

Distance yourself from him to let him know how strongly you feel.

Tell him you married him, not his mother.

She has made things intolerable for you, and is a manipulative emotional Vampire.

You don't want to put him in a position of having to choose, but this is what it is.

 

Sad to say, he has a choice to make.

To either put his mother first, above all things, or at least give you the courtesy and consideration of taking your feelings into account and seeing that you have a point.

 

Put the ball in his court.

 

But listen: Whatever he decides, it is whatever he decides.

 

Don't shoulder the responsibility of how you feel, how it affects the marriage, and how it affects your husband, all on your own shoulders.

You can't solve this by yourself.

He's a 50/50 player.

And he needs to take responsibility for his part in this.

 

Do it.

 

Walk the talk and bring this to the fore.

[ceres12]

Write him a letter. make it practical, logical and explain how you feel.

Including telling him you took it back to appease him.

 

Then pack some things, leave and go to your parents.

For a month.

Tell him in the letter, you're going.

Make sure your finances ARE separate.

Distance yourself from him to let him know how strongly you feel.

Tell him you married him, not his mother.

She has made things intolerable for you, and is a manipulative emotional Vampire.

You don't want to put him in a position of having to choose, but this is what it is.

 

Sad to say, he has a choice to make.

To either put his mother first, above all things, or at least give you the courtesy and consideration of taking your feelings into account and seeing that you have a point.

 

Put the ball in his court.

 

But listen: Whatever he decides, it is whatever he decides.

 

Don't shoulder the responsibility of how you feel, how it affects the marriage, and how it affects your husband, all on your own shoulders.

You can't solve this by yourself.

He's a 50/50 player.

And he needs to take responsibility for his part in this.

 

Do it.

 

Walk the talk and bring this to the fore.

 

After everything i fear this is what i must do, He got home and he wont even speak to me but small concerns about daily things. He barely talks to me he is so mad. He got home and avoided me all together, i went up to him and he said i dont want to argue i just need to rest please. So i respected his choice and let him be.

 

This sucks, i feel terrible. That woman is so selfish that as soon as she got her money her emails stopped coming!

 

I feel this is what i must do, walk away and let him choose. Otherwise this is not going to work and i fear this would happen but i can't tolerate his mom,i will tolerate all his things but not his mother's.

[UpwardForward]

Ceres,

 

Consider that you have planted seeds. And even though he seemed to have dismissed your concerns, he may be more accepting of your feelings than you realize.

 

If there was anything you regret having said, you may wish to let him know. But You shouldn't have to suppress your feelings.

[UpwardForward]

After everything i fear this is what i must do, He got home and he wont even speak to me but small concerns about daily things. He barely talks to me he is so mad. He got home and avoided me all together, i went up to him and he said i dont want to argue i just need to rest please. So i respected his choice and let him be.

 

This sucks, i feel terrible. That woman is so selfish that as soon as she got her money her emails stopped coming!

 

I feel this is what i must do, walk away and let him choose. Otherwise this is not going to work and i fear this would happen but i can't tolerate his mom,i will tolerate all his things but not his mother's.

 

He must know his mother well enough to be embarrassed for her, rather than blaming you.

 

I don't know that you should leave. But as TM said: The ball is in his court. And he know's how you feel.

 

Until he comes around, you may want to bury yourself in projects. Could be household, creative, reading, walking, etc.

[Seachelle1]

Ceres:

 

What do you need from your husband in all of this? Have you made a list of what you need? Getting it all down will help a lot and will give you direction in where to go next.

 

I am sorry you are in such pain. I think others were exactly right that this is 50/50. He has to be in this with you and accept you as you are. If he decides on his mother, that is what he decides. You cannot change him.

 

My therapist the other day had me make an outline of boundaries and what I am NOT willing to do in compromise. That is important to know ahead of time as well if you are at all like me and bend too much.

[ceres12]

Hi everyone thanks for all the feedback. A little Update:

 

My husband although was upset with me for all i said he could not stay mad with me. He won't stop telling me that he loves me and my thoughts are that i guess i did plant the seed like some said because i guess deep down he knows how true everything i said was about his mother. About her just calling for bad news and to ask for stuff.

 

He called her for mother's day and he sorta cut her off a bit because after he was celebrating her in telling her he loves her and happy mother's day she started blabbing some other i guess bad news or something and he just said "okay mom i gotta go i love you." But i knew she started been dramatic or acting victim when i heard my husband say something like "what?, oh no are you serious omg" or something in that matter. but he just cut her off and said "i have to go okay love you bye" which did not cater to giving her attention. Which is what she craves. I do not know what she told him but he did not pay her any mind it seems. So i do feel deep down he knows i was right.

 

So i dont know what she was asking or saying but it probably was more drama.

 

I know this sounds wrong but i didnt tell him to tell her happy mother's day from my part, i just honestly did not want to do it and did not feel it honest in my heart to do so, so i just stayed quiet and pretended to not pay attention by watching tv. I know this was wrong and i wish i would of just sucked it up and just said it to appease my husband after all i love him and dont want him to feel bad.

 

He kept telling me to call my mom to wish her happy mother's day and i did, and he even wished my mom happy mother's day and this made me feel like such a horrible person that i didnt do the same to his mom but i just honestly was resentful and i know that is not healthy but i couldn't help it. I feel terrible because like my grandma used to tell me hypocrisy is part of respect. And i should have just been nice and said to tell his mom happy mother's day but she just pisses me off.

 

Am really upset as if me and him have no stress enough, he just got some orders a few days a go and he is getting deployed for half a year. I am devastated i love him so much and i fear for him for all the dangers that can possibly happen. He is really upset that we will be apart for so long and he is extremely stressed out. Last time he was deployed this is another reason why i dislike my MIL, when he was deployed during his whole deployment he had the worst time he was in danger and had close encounters that could have ended his life, and the few times he was able to call home his mother was just asking for money and crying about her own personal problems, like really? Like she would tell him once that she was in the hospital when in fact it was due to something small like a headache and she thought she was dying stupid crap like that. Like everything always has to be about her and she always has to have attention. And my husband would freak out and get all worried on top of his already stressed out job. How unfair is this!!

 

just to give you an idea.

 

am glad that he is not mad with me anymore and i guess deep down he sorta realizes am right even though he won't really say it and for me right now this is more than enough for me.

[ja123]

Get him the books "Toxic Parents" and "Emotional Blackmail" both by Susan Forward.

 

Good luck.

[2sure]

You might consider telling him something like this...

 

I know your family needs financial help.

I anticipate them needing it even more in the future when they are older.

I hope that after we get our financials goals met, like a home of our own, we are in a position to help them if they need it.

 

I feel that by putting off our goals and helping them now will be of no use to anyone.

[ceres12]

So his mother just called again asking for money not even a month of me writing this post and emailed him asking for money acting victim-like and saying i feel awful for asking i feel like a beggar and i feel soo00o depressed and blah blah blah but you know times are rough and jobs are hard and what not i hope your wife is not mad for you sending us money and i love you sooooo much thank you for the money!! WTF

 

Pretty much i don't EVER even talk to this lady she used to call me and email me all the time with her drama and what not and i was always there for her but i noticed it was non stop like non stop drama just to get my husband's attention and money so i just kept things simple and when she noticed i dont give her the attention she needs 24/7 she stopped emailing me and contacting me and now she refers to me as the "the WIFE" like am sick of this crap and my husband does not see her for what she is he actually keeps seeing her as an innocent poor baby.

 

I am done fighting with my husband and it is hard to avoid argument when i just stay quiet and you can tell am upset and disappointed of her taking advantage of my husband. I really hate to give up on my marriage but i married my husband not his mother, i don't believe that saying that says you married him you married his family, because the one i lay with at night is with my husband not his family and specially not his mother and i shouldn't let her or anybody walk all over me nor my husband even if it is his own mother. I do believe however, there should be respect and this is not the case and my husband has yet to his mother for what she is. Is funny how when she got her money she was unheard off and now she emailed again and once again asking for money wow not even a month has passed!

 

she is manipulative and deceptive and m husband falls every time every time she puts on a show and am over it.

 

I love my husband to pieces but i can't take this nonsense, we are having arguments about money and i can't say a word about his mother constantly asking for money every 2 or 3 weeks.

 

I feel miserable in my marriage because of this woman and i can't take it anymore, i truly dislike her and she knows i dont buy her little act so now she is portraying me in her emails as the bad person because i just simply dont play along when acts all depressed and what not, funny she is un-depressed immediately after receiving money am fed up.

 

I needed to vent every time i feel things are better they are not this woman is ridiculous and i can't argue anymore, i hate myself for even considering it but i can't keep living like this i dont have kids to maintain and i am sure as hell not okay with maintaining my mother in law. I think i want a divorce i am fed up fighting for my place and not been heard am fed up in trying for my husband to take priority of me his wife and listen to me and he wont and it is killing me, i cant take one more day of this lady constantly hurting our marriage.

 

i just want to cry out of sadness hurt and frustrations. I really want a divorce. He can go ahead and live happily ever after with his mother.

Edited May 18, 2013 by ceres12

[UpwardForward]

Ceres; Do you know what your mother in law spends the money on? Is it for rent and food? She and her husband don't have jobs or income?

 

Do you have your own separate income i.e. a job?

 

Sorry for the unrelated questions, but it would be helpful.

[CarrieT]

Sorry for the unrelated questions, but it would be helpful.

I don't think your questions are unrelated, but would help us figure out a solution for Ceres...

[2sure]

I'm a big believer in marrying the family, if at all possible. You do actually, possible or not. So, make it work for you. I live by those words. How can I make this work for me?

 

I don't mean it has to be on your terms, because if were that easy we'd all be problem free. And when I say make it work for me, I don't mean how can I come out ahead. I mean, how I can I found a way for this to not upset me, not give me angst, make it livable. Make it not affect my happiness.

 

Always always involves compromise. And compromise doesn't mean everyone is happy. It means no side is going to be Really happy with the result because neither gets what they want. But, the result can be something neither finds intolerable. Life negotiations mirror business negotiations.

 

So, you have to brainstorm. You might find that just coming up with something actually gives you relief from the misery even if it's still giving something up.

 

He wants to take care of his parents. A lot of people would find this admirable.

But his parents are non stop needy, so seriously this is endless without gratitude or gratification.

 

How about giving them X dollars a month? It sucks because you don't have much. But this way you would be able to at least budget with no surprises. Better yet, pay one or two of their bills. Do they own their home? Have them leave it to you.

[UpwardForward]

Imo, a woman (and her husband) have no business asking for money from their young son .. and on a regular basis at that.

 

It just appears they are spending their money on the wrong things or priorities.

[TaraMaiden]

(OP has begun a new thread.)

 

Doesn't look as if 'being married to the family' is an option.

And to be honest, while I see the honour in that, i can see why she would baulk at this idea and resist it fully.........