I still love my ex-wife, dealing with delayed grief

[orionboxing]

I’ll try to break this down so people can understand what I’m going through and offer advice. And maybe describe what my wife was going through. I also want to know if what I’m feeling is normal.

 

March 2012 – I decide to end my marriage to my wife of 3 years. We had tried two different marriage counselors up until that point. My wife had some control and anger issues, and we rarely had sex because of her depression. She was on a lot of different meds which messed with her libido. I was patient and tried to loving with her, but I was getting so little in return and I was getting very frustrated and hurt by her treatment. Once I asked to divorce, my wife left the house for a week and cried her eyes out at her parent’s house. I very rarely cried…it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

 

In the meantime we put the house up for sale, and stayed in separate rooms and go about our own business while separated. We are civil and even work together on a lot of household tasks with no real problems. I am also supportive of her during this time, asking if she needs my help…or assistance with anything that is going on with her life.

 

September 2012 – I finally leave the house after the house sells. While moving the last box to my apartment, my wife and I look at each other and start crying. We hug for a long time. I spent periods of time in my new apartment thinking about my wife and wondering how she is – but I’m doing fine mentally and not missing her.

 

November 2012 – We finally divorce. My wife is rather cold, but not cruel to me at the proceedings. She seems like a completely different person, almost like a stranger. No contact ensues.

 

February 2013 – I’m sitting alone in my apartment and start feeling strange things. I start worrying about her. I find myself being attracted to her again, but don’t contact her.

 

March 2013 – We have to see each other to sort of financial/tax stuff. After the meeting, I decide to ask how she is doing to lend her support. She takes the opportunity to bash the living crap out of me completely unprovoked. She tells me she’s moved on and never has to talk with me again and says she’s “seeing someone” (no proof even to this day via social media). I think she might be lying, sometimes I think it’s very true.

 

From that day, I’ve been in this terrible, terrible depression. I’ve lost weight, lost all interest in things I used to love. I go back and forth regretting the divorce and missing my wife tremendously. I have acknowledged that I do love my ex-wife, as I wouldn’t been so hurt by her reaction to me in March. I just tried to be nice to help us through the split.

 

I have not seen, talked, called, or texted her since March and it is KILLING me. I know if I reach out, she won't respond. I tried dating a few women in April, and kissed a few of them, but the feelings for her didn’t go away.

 

I believe I’m suffering from delayed grief. I didn’t deal with the loss of my marriage when my wife did, so she’s maybe at a different point.

 

Has anyone else been through something similar? Does anyone have any clue as to why my ex-wife all of a sudden decided to be cruel to me? What could have possibly transpired over the winter to build that much resentment?

 

I want all of this pain to stop.

[Stillalive1]

She had resentment cause u ended the marriage. Imagine yourself depressed and with total lack of libido due to medication u are taking and your partner dumps u... That is the moment of needs,not the moment of ask.

[orionboxing]

She had resentment cause u ended the marriage. Imagine yourself depressed and with total lack of libido due to medication u are taking and your partner dumps u... That is the moment of needs,not the moment of ask.

 

But I DID try. I was always suggesting things for her to do to get out of her slump. Going for bike rides, going dancing, going to new places. I couldn't get her out of her slump.

 

I desperately wanted to hug her (she doesn't seem to like affection, her words), but it just wasn't a priority for her.

 

I loved this woman through everything. I believed in her.

 

It just came to the point where I could no longer take being bossed around and criticized for everything. Yet, my love will not die.

[Stillalive1]

I m sorry in this case,with details u added . But i think her resentment is due the fact she was dumped anyway.

[Deerhunter]

Maybe she feels now the way you felt when you left. It will take some time to know if she still has feelings for you. It has taken you a year to realize your feelings and it may take her a year also. You may start by sending her a text just letting her know you're thinking about her. See where it goes from there.

[orionboxing]

Maybe she feels now the way you felt when you left. It will take some time to know if she still has feelings for you. It has taken you a year to realize your feelings and it may take her a year also. You may start by sending her a text just letting her know you're thinking about her. See where it goes from there.

 

I've been initiating a no contact rule for myself for the past 60 days. I have not texted, called, talked, or emailed her. The only sort of contact she has with me is via Facebook, as my profile is public and she can see what I'm up to, but we are not Facebook friends anymore.

 

I am proud to not have broken down and called her during these very rough times (I admit to bawling my eyes out on numerous occasions however - but she doesn't know this.)

 

She does know that I still love her. I told her so when I moved out.

 

I have no idea where her head is at with this whole thing.

 

We did have a dog together, and I have expressed interest in seeing it, but I think it might be little too soon to reach out to her for that. If I do end up meeting her to see the dog, I won't talk about our relationship - I think that will be her choice.

 

Any more advice? Why do I still have feelings for her? What a nightmare.

[worldgonewrong]

She's bitter/angry/disturbed that you proceeded with divorce, had the house sold, and then...you told her that you still love her when you moved out. I'd be cold, too, if my ex pulled the same stunt on me.

 

I'm not negating your own feelings about how her depression/control/anger led to wanting out. But what I'm saying is, the lack of total communication on both your parts was a death knell. You're missing something idealized in your head.

You still have feelings for her because of the optimistic possibilities that you had in your mind when you first got married.

My advice - let her be.

Give yourself some breathing room & figure out YOUR life. I think that's the thing which is really upsetting you: you're faced with yourself. You cut the metaphorical boat loose and set her adrift, and now you're seeing that boat as something beautiful receding in the distance. Face yourself. You're scared, you're sad, you're regretful -- all natural. But face it, embrace it. And in the process, realize who YOU want to be now. It's about you now, not about her.

[Quiet Storm]

It could be delayed grief.

 

When you originally split up, you were so overwhelmed with all of her issues that you just felt relief.

 

Now that time has passed, you aren't focusing on the negative things about her anymore. Those feelings have faded, and now you are remembering the positive things, happy memories, and you miss her.

 

I think it may help you to focus on the things that led to your decision to divorce. Think about how you felt during those moments. Frustrated, neglected, angry, overwhelmed, your feelings minimized. Think about the relief you felt when you split up.

 

You are far enough out now that you aren't reflecting on the intensity of the emotions that made you want to leave, and instead missing the good things.

[PoopHappens]

I think you totally misunderstood where your wife was at. To call depression a "slump" tells me you don't have an idea of the hell she was likely living in. And you help for a while and think you've done a good job and decide this ain't what you signed up for. So you're a big boy and you move on your way. It's really too bad because you sound like a decent guy. But treating someone well while you're divorcing them doesn't earn you a whole lot of brownie points. I'm on your wife's side on this one because my wife did the same thing to me when I was down. All I heard is how you couldn't have sex. Good Gawd.