He Emailed

[Goodbye]

So, as you all probably know, my exMM asked "for a break" to "think" last March. I interpreted this as "I need you to go away quietly because I want to fix my marriage as my wife is catching on." Since then, we've emailed a few times. We spoke over a week ago, at my request for closure. I felt I had the closure I needed from the conversation. He followed up the conversation with an email, basically telling me he was hurting as badly if not worse than I was...maybe true, but I doubt it. I felt he was just trying to have the "last word," and rid himself of the guilt of hurting me and using me. I didn't respond and have been NC.

 

Today I received an email on my other email address, not the one we used to communicate on. I shut that one down. I don't know why he emailed me, as it sounds like NOTHING has changed. When I saw his name in my email, my stomach flopped. This is what he wrote:

 

Dear L,

 

As you deserve to know what is going on in my life, I wanted to give you an update. Hopefully this email isn't unwelcome. It it is, let me know.

 

I met with Dr. H yesterday. We were supposed to meet for an hour, but he stretched it to an hour and a half. At the end of the session, he told me that whether or not I think he's the therapist for me, he strongly recommends that I talk to someone. The impression I got from him was that he thinks I am pretty messed up.

 

You should know that I think about you constantly, I miss you all of the time and that my feelings haven't changed one iota. As painful as not talking with you every day is, however, I do think that the act of having to stand on my own two feet without relying on someone else has been helpful. It is my greatest hope that you are doing better as well.

 

I'd like to know how you're doing, what the status is of your court cases, if there's anything new in your life etc. It's certainly understandable if you don't wish to share anything with me, or even hear from me. However, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you I love you, very much.

 

Love,

P

 

He is referring to his first therapy appt. I had been encouraging him to get help with his feelings of being "stuck" in his marriage etc. I feel he is just now using the "results" of the therapy to justify abandoning me...as he is "so messed up." And the who bull about standing on his own two feet? He still lives with his wife. That isn't exactly being independent and making decisions.

 

Ugh...I hate this.

 

I will ignore this email for a while and think about whether or not I should reply at all.

 

Suggestions?

[Goodbye]

He sounds like he wants to be rescued? By whom? The therapist?

 

ILY=I love you? Yes, I suspect that are real on some level...I've known him for 25plus years. Do they mean anything...guess not. Not if he isn't going to change his situation. And from the email, that doesn't sound like it will be happening anytime soon.

 

Again, cr8p like this makes me want to explode his marriage by telling ALL to his completely unsuspecting wife. But, I spent a lot of time debating that move, and decided against it.

 

Guess I'll just ignore this useless email?

[Sarabi]

However, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you I love you, very much.

Love,

P

 

Oh yeah yeah yeah...they all love us so much. SO SO SO SO MUCH :rolleyes:!

 

That is good to know...now tell him to sod off back to his wife :mad:

 

Have you watched Sex and the City? Did you see that episode when Richard proposed to Samantha..? Do like she did and say to him "I love you Richard...but I LOVE ME MORE!"

 

(by the way ignore him if you've been keeping up the NC lol )

(he needs to rescue himself from his problems...NOT YOU. Your are not responsible and neither is his therapist...only he can rescue himself)

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You know there are times I would like an email like this just to know it was all real and I wasn't crazy, but Pierre is right. He is looking for validation from you and probably trying to relieve his own guilt as well.

 

But unless something is changing it doesn't do you any good. As hard as it may be you really should not respond. It will only open up the flood gates again. That is no good for you.

[Praying4Peace]

Hmmmm....

I would actually respond to this but in a very specific way. I think he's showing you he's trying to stand on his feet in terms of making his own decisions- not bring pulled in 2 different directions by two different women. Will be back with response id send (just my two cents) bc I think that sometimes we OW/OM fall into the very "playing games" trap we accuse the MMs of. They are t mind readers.

 

Be back...big work deadline.

[veryhappy]

That email reads

 

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

blah!

 

Now considering that you were the one going back to contact to get closure, deal with getting over this email and do not respond. Yes, you are right he's only trying to make himself feel better. Seeing you again might have reignited the fire with you, but at the end of the day...married to another woman.

 

If he sorts himself out and divorces, he'll let you know. Chances are he'll stay there, married. All you can do for your own sanity is get off the rollercoaster.

[DelusionalOne]

Goodbye,

We can debate all day long whether or not the feelings are real or not.

It doesn't change whether or not it or he is good for you right now.

The letter seems passive/aggressive to me... "If you want me to leave you alone I will" putting the responsibility on you if anything continues or starts up again and you get hurt again.

 

He is seeking validation. He wants you to make him feel better about himself. Where are you in all this? "Yes. that is my foot on your heart. I know I am stepping on your heart. No I don't want to remove my foot from your heart. But I love you so it's ok that I am stepping on your heart."

[xpaperxcutx]

His email to you was to elicit a response, good or bad and it certainly doesn't benefit you.

 

If you break NC, you will fall back into that hole of waiting and missing him.

 

He's a grown up. Being able to stand on his feet means he already knows his decisions because he made his choices. And he certainly wouldn't do it by tugging on your heart strings.

 

He just sounds selfish, no matter how much ILYs he's writing to you.

[Praying4Peace]

Dear P,

 

I am glad to hear that you are getting to know yourself better through therapy and I hope that you will be able to sort out any matters that have been causing you grief in the past few years.

 

You asked how I am doing- I don't feel the need to answer that question at this time because I'm sure you know me well enough to come up with a response that is accurate enough.

 

I would prefer that you not contact me while you are married. It will give me time to heal and put some much needed distance between us. At this point in time I don't want to ever have to restate my feelings for you and my problem with this relationship. I have to look out for myself and focus on moving forwards with or without you. I know its just as hard for you as it is for me to cut off communication between us- but it is the best way regardless of what decisions you make in your life going forward. If you are ever single and we can communicate freely without the need for secret email accounts, please drop me a line.

 

Love,

L

 

Something like that. Otherwise he will just think you hate him and that its not a situational problem (or do you really hate him?). Men just take things as they are written and can't read minds. I think its fine to say you are going NC even though it hurts both of you because in the long run its good for you if you are apart and its good for you if you are ever together.

 

ETA: Sometimes we get really caught up in the hype of this board which generalizes all men into uncaring ego stroke seeking users. I do believe your MM loves you. And he loves his W. You put your cards on the table honestly and walk away. That way he's not left wondering. And if you do that you won't wonder if he took things the wrong way and you can be proud of yourself for being strong enough to state your feelings even if it means he gets a little happy, feels like the good guy, etc. At least you were honest. But NC for sure.

Edited May 8, 2013 by Praying4Peace

[Goodbye]

The issue is that the LOVE from the married component is quite real and the ILYs come from the heart. This is why the single component in the affair falls so hard.

 

 

Furthermore, the married component goes all out with the romance because doing this while being married feels extraspecial.

 

 

Pierre, I do want to understand what you are saying, but I don't. Could you explain it to me again? Sorry to be so dense.

[whichwayisup]

You need to decide what it is you want. Him? Are you waiting and sticking it out to see what happens, if he decides to stay married or leave/divorce? He IS broken and nothing to give to you, or to his wife. Though she is unaware, you aren't. My suggestion is, email him back and TELL HIM to respect the NC and not email or contact you again. HE asked for the break, so he has to stop giving you updates and telling you he loves you. He is in no position to give you any hope since he is messed up and can't shi.t or get off the pot. You don't need that drama and pain - You got some closure and he keeps messing it up by contacting you and breaking NC.

 

OR, just block him on both accounts and try to heal, keep busy and decide for yourself if you want it all over forever.

[Goodbye]

Dear P,

 

I am glad to hear that you are getting to know yourself better through therapy and I hope that you will be able to sort out any matters that have been causing you grief in the past few years.

 

You asked how I am doing- I don't feel the need to answer that question at this time because I'm sure you know me well enough to come up with a response that is accurate enough.

 

I would prefer that you not contact me while you are married. It will give me time to heal and put some much needed distance between us. At this point in time I don't want to ever have to restate my feelings for you and my problem with this relationship. I have to look out for myself and focus on moving forwards with or without you. I know its just as hard for you as it is for me to cut off communication between us- but it is the best way regardless of what decisions you make in your life going forward. If you are ever single and we can communicate freely without the need for secret email accounts, please drop me a line.

 

Love,

L

 

Something like that. Otherwise he will just think you hate him and that its not a situational problem (or do you really hate him?). Men just take things as they are written and can't read minds. I think its fine to say you are going NC even though it hurts both of you because in the long run its good for you if you are apart and its good for you if you are ever together.

 

ETA: Sometimes we get really caught up in the hype of this board which generalizes all men into uncaring ego stroke seeking users. I do believe your MM loves you. And he loves his W. You put your cards on the table honestly and walk away. That way he's not left wondering. And if you do that you won't wonder if he took things the wrong way and you can be proud of yourself for being strong enough to state your feelings even if it means he gets a little happy, feels like the good guy, etc. At least you were honest. But NC for sure.

 

 

P4P, thank you for taking the time to think through a response. I do like what you've said, especially the part "you asked me how I was doing, I don't feel the need to answer that..." You are correct that he does love me. Our relationship has never lacked love...even when it wasn't an affair. But, his email angers me as I feel he taunting me a bit with his own self pity, as well as his lack of genuine concern for my own well being. The court cases to which he casually refers are ENORMOUS deals in my life. I still don't know if he is just trying to keep a foot in the door of my life, or if he is trying to "fake" interest in hopes of easing his guilt for completely messing with me and or/ still trying to keep me calm in the hopes that I won't out him to his wife.

 

I may very well respond with something along the lines which you've proposed. I'm going to sit on it for 24 hours. See if I want to respond at all. I love him so much, but I'm now in the process of asking myself even if he DOES leave his wife, do I deserve better? This isn't an obvious answer to me, I really do need to think it through. I'm still grieving and would prefer to try NOT to think about him at all.

[secretlady76]

If it were me, I would either a) not respond at all as really at the moment, how you're getting on doesn't concern him AND if you respond he may well respond back and more words from him will manipulate things further or b) Resond with a short sharp email, like "Pleased everything is going well with the therapist. Keep it up."

 

I'm not being cruel, I am trying to think of ways to protect YOU.

 

Don't give him any information about you at all.

[Goodbye]

Thanks secret lady. I agree about not giving him information. I don't know that he really cares. And even if I told him my life was a living hell on earth...he is married and cannot help me. Not even as a friend, now.

[Goodbye]

I'm certain that he loves you. But nowhere in that email does it say "I can't live without you, I'm initiating divorce proceedings" etc.

 

Stay the course, Goodbye. For YOUR sanity, not his.

 

 

That really sums it up, doesn't it.

[Goodbye]

Just thought about responding: "I'm glad to hear you've found that not talking with me is helping you get back on your two feet. Keep it up."

[Goodbye]

OK! Loser of the year! I just impulsively responded. I was mean. I just told him I was pleased to hear he was feeling better after not communicating with me and that he needn't worry about things such as my court cases...that he was just a married man and not my friend. Oops...oh well. I'm sure I'll go through a million emotions now.

[Lillyfree]

Just thought about responding: "I'm glad to hear you've found that not talking with me is helping you get back on your two feet. Keep it up."

 

that's a bit passive aggressive....

 

 

OK! Loser of the year! I just impulsively responded. I was mean. I just told him I was pleased to hear he was feeling better after not communicating with me and that he needn't worry about things such as my court cases...that he was just a married man and not my friend. Oops...oh well. I'm sure I'll go through a million emotions now.

 

slightly better. still passive aggressive.

 

don't worry about being mean - i found it was a good tactic in burning bridges for good

[Goodbye]

that's a bit passive aggressive....

 

 

 

 

slightly better. still passive aggressive.

 

don't worry about being mean - i found it was a good tactic in burning bridges for good

 

Not sure there was much passivity in what I said, more aggressive. Maybe it was the final f-off. Probably for the best. Now back to grieving, healing, moving on.

[Lillyfree]

Not sure there was much passivity in what I said, more aggressive. Maybe it was the final f-off. Probably for the best. Now back to grieving, healing, moving on.

 

mmhm. my last text actually included 'go eff (uncensored) yourself' ...

 

was horrified about it then, but now i'm glad i sent it - it was what i sincerely felt.

[georgia girl]

Goodbye,

 

You have come so far, please do not give it up on just one email. Ignore it. He needs to do a whole lot more than that to make up for your pain and to prove that he is the one for you. That's simply an email. He may say all of the right things in it, but he doesn't commit to action. It's too easy to say what someone wants to hear. Especially, when the writer is feeling sad, lonely and vulnerable.

 

Tough luck. Let him be sad, lonely and vulnerable. Harden your heart by thinking of every single time in the past six weeks when you have had to be sad, lonely and vulnerable and NOT be able to reach out to him.

 

Please don't give him this free pass back in. I don't see where he's willing to prove himself to you. Plus, and you'll just have to trust me on this, when you don't reply you then give yourself the option of replying. That leaves the ball in your court. It's powerful. But, when you do reply, you no longer have the option of replying. Instead, the next contact needs to be initiated by him and the ball is in his court. You're powerless again.

 

Do NOT reply. It's actually a high. I promise. It's also incredibly empowering. My best wishes to you. You don't deserve this.

[ComingInHot]

goodbye,

I have tried so hard Not to respond but, well, I usually am CIH...

 

First I am so sorry! I feel like every time you post after he communicates, you get completely flipped upside-down & into a pretzel w/your emotions and I hate to read you that way!

I think I believe MM has real feelings for you. I am going off of what you write and there is no reason for me to believe he is manipulating you so you Don't out him to his W.

 

Howeeeeeverrrr... I don't think he is at all fair to be sharing these things w/you no matter how real While He Is Still M!! It is grossly disrespectful at this point to Both You & his W.

 

Honestly goodbye, it isn't about what he feels for you as much as How Much. Is it enough to leave his W & family for you?

If it is then at this point he should go silent w/you until he presents you Signed & finalized D papers.

Then you will no longer have to question his feelings or words/promises to you.

You Deserve that much goodbye.

Tell MM I told him to step up and stop torturing you!! I don't like him for yu Or his W

[DelusionalOne]

OK! Loser of the year! I just impulsively responded. I was mean. I just told him I was pleased to hear he was feeling better after not communicating with me and that he needn't worry about things such as my court cases...that he was just a married man and not my friend. Oops...oh well. I'm sure I'll go through a million emotions now.

 

Ok... first of all you are not a loser. We can give you all the advice in the world, but only you know what will work best for you.

 

Personally, I prefer cold and formal but mean works too.

 

Only you can decide when you've had enough nonsense and will cut him off for good.

[Ladydrib]

,"

 

Dear L,

 

As you deserve to know what is going on in my life, I wanted to give you an update. Hopefully this email isn't unwelcome. It it is, let me know.

 

I met with Dr. H yesterday. We were supposed to meet for an hour, but he stretched it to an hour and a half. At the end of the session, he told me that whether or not I think he's the therapist for me, he strongly recommends that I talk to someone. The impression I got from him was that he thinks I am pretty messed up.

 

You should know that I think about you constantly, I miss you all of the time and that my feelings haven't changed one iota. As painful as not talking with you every day is, however, I do think that the act of having to stand on my own two feet without relying on someone else has been helpful. It is my greatest hope that you are doing better as well.

 

I'd like to know how you're doing, what the status is of your court cases, if there's anything new in your life etc. It's certainly understandable if you don't wish to share anything with me, or even hear from me. However, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you I love you, very much.

 

Love,

P

 

He is referring to his first therapy appt. I had been encouraging him to get help with his feelings of being "stuck" in his marriage etc. I feel he is just now using the "results" of the therapy to justify abandoning me...as he is "so messed up." And the who bull about standing on his own two feet? He still lives with his wife. That isn't exactly being independent and making decisions.

 

Ugh...I hate this.

 

I will ignore this email for a while and think about whether or not I should reply at all.

 

Suggestions?

 

Do NOT reply. Don't let him drag you backwards. You've made progress. He is still not available so stay away.

 

Do you know how many times I've heard the same words he fed you? "You should know that I think about you constantly, I miss you all of the time and that my feelings haven't changed"? Well that may be 100% true but it's also 100% true that he's still "stuck".

 

Stay strong. Stay away from this man. The sooner you succeed in removing your feelings for him, the sooner you'll be ready to meet a man who can offer all the wonderful things he offered AND one who is available. So it will be all the benifit with none of the heartache.

 

Stay away. Forget him.

[SweetBella1]

When one is married you already have a woman at home. One is cooked, done, as a single man. One is not supposed to play the field. There is no such thing of dating many women at once and finding one that sticks.

 

Boredom sets in.

 

Then a receptive OW appears and one goes all out with the charm. The attention is now directed at the receptive OW and it provides a form of gratification that feels amazing within the boring marriage.

 

 

It does not matter if one plays the courting game for 1-2 years at work. There is no rush because one is married. There is no rush because one is not dating 10 other women. This becomes a game, a conquest and before you know one develops feelings.

 

 

It is normal to develop feelings with familiarity and daily exposure.

 

 

The key is that all this romance develops as an outside compartment to the marriage at home. The love is real, but it coexists with another parallel universe.

 

This describes my experience too, Pierre, yet you waste no opportunity to bash & invalidate my situation. Recently a couple of ppl on this board messaged me about how you "bully" me & certain others here on LS. You're making a name for yourself!!