Cheated on my boyfriend - What is happening now?

[stephenjmed]

I cheated on my boyfriend 6 months ago, told him immediately after, and he was giving me a second chance. He didn't break up with me, and we continued dating like nothing ever happened. (Side story--I've been battling with depression for 5 years with no therapy or medication and I sought validation through men, thus why I cheated on him when I went home for Thanksgiving. I'm now dealing with my depression and I'm mentally good with myself for the first time in a really long time.)

 

We broke up right before we went home for spring break, and then got back together when we came back. He messaged the guy on cheated on him with to ask exactly what happened. I did not tell my boyfriend everything that happened because I didn't think he would be able to get over it. We then broke up. The past month and a half has involved us going back and forth and him telling me that he still loves me, thinks I could be the one, etc. A week and a half ago he was still telling me this. Now, two days ago, a day before I was leaving for summer, he tells me that he feels nothing for me, that I mean nothing to him, and that we have no future together. I don't understand if this is just a defense mechanism because he doesn't want to give me hope because he himself has no idea how he's going to feel, or if he is just shutting off his feelings for me because he can't focus on what he wants and evaluate our relationship at the same time, or if he actually truly possesses no feelings for me even though a week and a half ago he told me he still loved me and thought I could be the one and that he missed me. I don't understand what's going on. We're going to be a part now for 3 months and I know this will be good for us but I don't know what's going on with his emotions at all. Just looking for a little insight because I am truly in love with this kid and after dealing with my depression and I can finally focus on how I feel and I need to know what to do so I don't push him away even further. A little insight would be greatly appreciated!

 

Edit: Realized I should have put this in the Breaking Up forum

Edited May 8, 2013 by stephenjmed

[Infnitysign]

I don't know what you're asking, but I will try. He feels as if you haven't been remorseful enough after giving you a second chance and stuck to the rest of the relationship until he couldn't take it anymore. He then just tells you he loves you just to see how you reply and to see if he even still feels the sweet face you make when you reply back with "I love you too".

 

You never gave him the details and he feels like you believe he's incapable of the dirty truth that broke everything. He's probably driving himself crazy thinking about all the intimate things you did with this "other guy". You never gave him the closure he deserves and he's tired of wishing, hoping, and waiting you would come around and care about him.

[HuffmanMontana]

I cheated on my boyfriend 6 months ago, told him immediately after, and he was giving me a second chance. He didn't break up with me, and we continued dating like nothing ever happened. (Side story--I've been battling with depression for 5 years with no therapy or medication and I sought validation through men, thus why I cheated on him when I went home for Thanksgiving. I'm now dealing with my depression and I'm mentally good with myself for the first time in a really long time.)

 

We broke up right before we went home for spring break, and then got back together when we came back. He messaged the guy on cheated on him with to ask exactly what happened. I did not tell my boyfriend everything that happened because I didn't think he would be able to get over it. We then broke up. The past month and a half has involved us going back and forth and him telling me that he still loves me, thinks I could be the one, etc. A week and a half ago he was still telling me this. Now, two days ago, a day before I was leaving for summer, he tells me that he feels nothing for me, that I mean nothing to him, and that we have no future together. I don't understand if this is just a defense mechanism because he doesn't want to give me hope because he himself has no idea how he's going to feel, or if he is just shutting off his feelings for me because he can't focus on what he wants and evaluate our relationship at the same time, or if he actually truly possesses no feelings for me even though a week and a half ago he told me he still loved me and thought I could be the one and that he missed me. I don't understand what's going on. We're going to be a part now for 3 months and I know this will be good for us but I don't know what's going on with his emotions at all. Just looking for a little insight because I am truly in love with this kid and after dealing with my depression and I can finally focus on how I feel and I need to know what to do so I don't push him away even further. A little insight would be greatly appreciated!

 

Edit: Realized I should have put this in the Breaking Up forum

 

He can't get over the fact you cheated.

 

You blew it.

 

It's over.

[Chi townD]

You put him on a ride and it's called the rollercoaster of emotions. He's fine one minute and angry as hell the next. He's laughing one minute and crying the next. He loves you one minute and can't stand to look at you the next. The whole up, down, up, down.....rollercoaster.

 

You two have EVERY facet of cheating going on here. He tried to "rug sweep it" and you "trickle truthed" him. He was suffering from "mind movies"...blah...blah...

 

He tried to rug sweep it and tried to pretend it never happened, but it ate him up. I speculate that he was having mind movies. Some people need to know exactly what happened and some people don't. For the people that need to know, if they don't get the full story, then it leaves gaps of missing data in their brain. Well, the brain tries to fill the missing data to make the data stream complete. So, they fill the voids with what they THINK happened. And sometimes mind movies are worse than what truely happened.

 

However, your boyfriend couldn't handle the mind movies so he went to the guy you cheated on him with and he got the complete story. Only it was worse than what his mind movies were showing him because you trickle truthed him. You only gave him bits and piece of what TRUELY happened. When he found out about the truth you put him right back at square one. And the pain is exactly the same amount of pain as when you first told him. Because now he knows how bad it was. There's another term that is used and it's called D-day (discovery Day, the most painful day in anyones life). It's the day you find out that your partner cheated on you. Now, you gave him two D-Days. The day he learned you cheated on him and the second was when he discovered how bad it was.

 

Why are you going to be apart for 3 months?

[andre84]

As someone that went through depression last year I can somewhat relate. (I moved 2000 miles with my EX and I ended up in a bad place, missing my friends and family) The problem is that you cheated and I'm sorry to say but I could never stay with someone that cheated on me. Once that trust is broken its almost impossible to rebuild.

 

If a gf cheated on me, then It would drive me crazy anytime she went out on a girls night or she went home for the holidays...Even if I thought this girl was "the one" I would still eventually let her go.

 

Its good that you are now dealing with your depression. In some ways I feel that my depression also costed me my RS... But I do tell myself otherwise, because the depression lasted less than a year and if she really loved me we would have worked it out. (I never cheated)

 

The only advice I would give you is to write a letter/e-mail and apologize for everything and make a case for yourself without putting blame on him or something like that. Tell him how you feel and that you are going to give him his space.

 

At that point you should start working on moving on. Go NC and then only time might be able to heal the trust you broke. Definitely take this as a life lesson, that all our decisions have consequences and sometimes we just have to "man" up and take responsibility.

 

Good luck.

[drifter777]

You're not married so who cares? He's not going to get over it and you aren't ready to be true to one guy so move on with your life.

[2sunny]

You weren't honest. He found out more details.

 

He doesn't trust you - a R without trust is destined to be a disaster.

[stephenjmed]

Uh, 1) I'm gay and 2) I didn't have sex with the other guy. Also I have repeatedly apologized and broken down innumerable times in front of him due to guilt & etc. He says he doesn't hate me, he hates what I did. So...

[stephenjmed]

Also I would appreciate not making assumptions about my character because of this. I realize with all my heart that what I did was wrong and I know I am fully capable of committing myself to a person so thanks for the morality check, dude.

[stephenjmed]

Also I've literally been constantly telling him how much I love him, giving him the space he says he needs, etc. I have literally done everything. I told him exactly how I felt in our relationship and he told me everything he felt but never said during our relationship. I told him I wanted to marry him and I've honestly never seen him happier.

[road]

Does not matter if you like sausage or doughnuts.

 

You cheated. You broke the trust.

 

You cheated a second time. He can not trust you to be faithful for 3 months with you out of sight.

 

How did you cheat a second time?

 

You lied when you told him about the affair.

 

You broke his trust two times. Heh, I guess you are a two timer.

 

Apply what you have learned to your next relationship.

[stephenjmed]

Jesus this thread is dramatic. It's a little difficult for me to believe that I mean nothing to him when he has refused to talk to me and made it impossible for me to contact him in any way. If he feels nothing for me, this would not be happening. He would be unfazed by my existence. But alas, that is not the case. And to infer that he meant nothing to me when I cheated on him is also a little ridiculous and extreme because things are definitely not black and white when it comes to relationships and emotions so thanks but no thanks for that little tid bit of wisdom.

Edited May 13, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[therhythm]

Have you ever hear about No Contact (NC) process? I would not think that because he has gone NC he has still something for you... usually is the contrary. If I would be you I would move on and take the learning from this story.

[BeholdtheMan]

I did not tell my boyfriend everything that happened because I didn't think he would be able to get over it.

Let's be honest here...you didn't tell him the whole truth for a very selfish (and very common) reason: you were afraid that if he knew the whole truth it would lower his opinion of you even more and possibly prompt him to dump your a**.

 

You're not fooling anyone, not even over the internet.

 

I am truly in love with this kid

You mean man

[Maleficent]

Hey! I know a trick that will make all those kinds of problems go away.

DON'T CHEAT!

 

it's really not that hard.

[TaraMaiden]

Whatever happened in the past is to an extent, irrelevant.

 

It's happened, it cannot be changed.

 

He has made his decision, and has given you some insight into his thinking, but questions are fruitless, because (1) you cannot 'second-guess, and (2) without complete insight, this is irreparable.

 

You need to back off, leave him alone and fall off his radar.

He holds the next move, you don't.

 

It is what it is.

 

Get on with your life.

He has 2 options: To come back, or get on with his.

 

This actually ISN'T about you.

 

This is about giving him the space to heal.

And if it's an entire galaxy's worth, then that's the way it's got to be.

[dreamingoftigers]

Jesus this thread is dramatic. It's a little difficult for me to believe that I mean nothing to him when he has refused to talk to me and made it impossible for me to contact him in any way. If he feels nothing for me, this would not be happening. He would be unfazed by my existence. But alas, that is not the case. And to infer that he meant nothing to me when I cheated on him is also a little ridiculous and extreme because things are definitely not black and white when it comes to relationships and emotions so thanks but no thanks for that little tid bit of wisdom.

 

Act dramatic by cheating and lying about it....cue the results......duh.

 

And yeah, I would completely block someone who I had a relationship with, who disrespected me and that I wanted to not talk to anymore.

 

I have an ex-friend who was a user/liar who I have blocked.

 

I won't say that she means "nothing to me." Seeing her around annoys me. A lot. (She drops her kids off two doors down every now and then). I don't feel anything for her except annoyed when I see her stupid self. I am annoyed that I spent years doing tons of things for her to "help out" and then she acted entitled to my efforts and completely used and guilted me at every opportunity. Later, she screwed me over financially and with a living arrangement. I DO NOT have any other feelings for her except annoyed that I allowed someone like that to fester in my life for so long. I am not even mad at her anymore because I can tell she "doesn't get it." She will have a long string of failed friendships and relationships because she has no sense of anything more than usership. She already HAS lost every single friend and relationship over the course of time except for the one she's currently in. I have no doubt that one will fail too.

 

I won't say NO other feelings. There is one: relieved that she isn't my problem anymore.

 

I block her because I don't want her to re-infest my life.

 

Same with your ex.

 

My husband is a lot like that friend I had. It's been an unpleasant life lesson to realize that I attract users because I invest a lot in upfront without expecting very much back in the hopes that my efforts would at least be acknowledged. I also attract people that believe in practical servitude in exchange for a relationship.

 

If my husband and I divorce, I will have NOTHING to do with him aside from any contact regarding our daughter. That includes blocking him on all social networking.

 

Your ex is showing you just how attached he is to you.