chelle21689 Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 I have been with my boyfriend for two years and we are very close and serious. I get along well with his family. Today his mom and sister made plans for dinner tonight. When we were in the car she invites her brother (my bf) to come but not me. I felt left out and don't really understand because my family always welcomes our partners to our events and outings. They are like family...not seen as an outsider. They only invite me when extended family and partners are there. like on New Year's Eve, she invited her kids to have dinner with her and her husband but I didn't get an invite. My bf only invited me because it was New Years but I saw it was clear she wanted just the kids. So I didn't go. I have just thought I was part of the family but until recently just seeing me not being invited to their little immediate family gatherings kind of sting...especially when I consider my bf family. Today when they went out to eat bf texted me "the food and drinks are soooo good! You should try" And I replied "I can't. I wasn't allowed to come" I don't know of he sensed I felt excluded because he told me he would take me to the restaurant they went to next time to try their awesome mojitos. I don't always try to be with them and their mom because I sense she sees me as tagging along. I mean she sometimes does nice things like buy me a gift for Christmas and birthday though. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 Some families are just kind of closed off. While it would be nice if they were more inclusive, there's nothing wrong with what they do. Don't take it as an insult. Now, if you guys get married and they continue that behavior, there might be a problem. Also, I'd like to strongly suggest that you cut out the passive-aggressive griping. ("I wouldn't know how good it is, I wasn't allowed to come. :mad:" ) Don't give your boyfriend a hard time over the actions of his parents. And don't guilt trip him for spending time with his family. Unless he's being a jerk about it, like breaking plans with you when he's invited to family things, let it go. I do understand this is not ideal for you, but honestly, it should be a non-issue at this point. You wouldn't leave your boyfriend over this, I'm sure, so it's just something you'll have to deal with. Families can be quirky. They can also be nightmares. Try to be grateful that they're overall pretty decent to you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 Some families are just kind of closed off. While it would be nice if they were more inclusive, there's nothing wrong with what they do. Don't take it as an insult. Now, if you guys get married and they continue that behavior, there might be a problem. Also, I'd like to strongly suggest that you cut out the passive-aggressive griping. ("I wouldn't know how good it is, I wasn't allowed to come. :mad:" ) Don't give your boyfriend a hard time over the actions of his parents. And don't guilt trip him for spending time with his family. Unless he's being a jerk about it, like breaking plans with you when he's invited to family things, let it go. I do understand this is not ideal for you, but honestly, it should be a non-issue at this point. You wouldn't leave your boyfriend over this, I'm sure, so it's just something you'll have to deal with. Families can be quirky. They can also be nightmares. Try to be grateful that they're overall pretty decent to you. I have to agree. I do think marriage can make a difference, in that at that point, you are a permanent fixture and often it's easier for you to be considered family. For some families, maybe dating isn't seen in the same way so they don't totally consider you like family yet. For me, when I've been in relationships my SO is generally invited to most family functions, but in truth, it's usually the larger ones and it's not like for my mom's birthday when it's me, her, my dad and sister that they come along too. Those immediate family things are different and it's not because my family or I try to exclude them, but clearly, they are dating me, and have a different relationship to my mom than I do. I agree that you shouldn't take it personal. Although I'd probably not make an invitation while you are there, so as not to make it awkward, as I imagine that makes you feel more excluded. They don't seem to treat you badly and it seems you're only not invited to closer family stuff. I don't think it's an exclusion because they dislike you and I agree that you shouldn't take it personal and it would be more bizarre if you guys marry and they still excluded you from certain things. I also second not sending passive aggressive texts about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 I think it was tacky for his sister to invite him right in front of you, and I think it was tacky for him to text you what he did. Don't wait until marriage to see what things will be like. If things are already like this, why would you want to be a part of that family? Find a boy who will want you included, especially after two years, and one who has a family who demonstrates a little more class and tact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chelle21689 Posted May 9, 2013 Author Share Posted May 9, 2013 (edited) Thanks guys. I definitely see how it'd be different if married but if we are the type to be engaged or have a kid together I equate that as "in-law" just not on paper officially. It is just hard to understand when my family welcomes our long term bf and gf and don't leave them out. We're not "clique-ish". I think his sister tends to be that way but means no harm. She wants her brother and sister to spend time with their dad but doesn't want her little half brothers to go or their step mom. Just her "full blood". She says its annoying when the step mom tries to come with her half siblings. She takes her little half brothers out sometimes but I can see why they would be hurt if she doesn't completely see her half siblings as family. My boyfriend and his sister went alone with their dad out. I was actually happy for him because he never gets to spend much time with their dad, but their mom they see all the time whether with or without me. Edited May 9, 2013 by chelle21689 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 Geez maybe their mom wants her son and daughter's attention for a meal without having others along to distract them. Ever think of that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chelle21689 Posted May 9, 2013 Author Share Posted May 9, 2013 Thanks for your input although rude unlike the others. As I have said before I exclude myself from some things just to make them have alone time but with some dinners they plan I'm excluded from it usually. Just saying if I had my own kid and it was her grandchild, I'm sure she would feel left out if I didnt invite her to eat out or a New Years dinner of just "our little family". To me it just sends the wrong message of not thinking you're part of it. Like his sister only wanting her full blood siblings to hang out and not her half brothers and step mom. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 I didn't mean to sound rude. But you can't compare your family to theirs. It's unfair. If they were raised by their mom they are like a little team. The three of them are the family they know and their clique as you call it signifies the bond they share. It's unlike anything you have known because its been them as a team. Right or wrong, their bond with one another may go much deeper than your typical mother/child relationship. You should try to accept that. This isn't about you. You should know that too. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 Like his sister only wanting her full blood siblings to hang out and not her half brothers and step mom. Okay who says "half" brother? Does his sister call them that or just you? I also see you call it their "little family". I'm sorry but if they are being judged by you the mom will pick up on that and then I take back what I said...it's very much about you. Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 When two people are sitting there together, it's rude to invite one person and not the other. Under any circumstance! If his mom just wanted to be with her kids, what she should have done is invite him when you weren't right there. That's just rude. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 When two people are sitting there together, it's rude to invite one person and not the other. Under any circumstance! If his mom just wanted to be with her kids, what she should have done is invite him when you weren't right there. That's just rude. The sister did it, not the mom. You know, his full-blood one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chelle21689 Posted May 10, 2013 Author Share Posted May 10, 2013 She refers to them as her brothers but I'm tellin you they are half because she excludes them sometimes because they aren't her "real" full blood family. Like when she wants plans she wants it to be her sister, brother, and dad. Not her step mom and her two little brothers who share a different mom. I refer to them as their brother but to you guys I'm saying half so you know why she feels this way. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 Ahh...I don't know. It sounds like you label his whole family. Maybe you're doing it here to be specific, I'm not so sure though. Either way if in your mind they are halfs and steps and whatnot, you should try to do away with that thinking. It sounds judgmental. But honestly there is a whole different dynamic when a mom raises her kids alone. It's not the same as doing it with another parent and your boyfriend probably adores and respects his mom a lot because its nowhere near as easy to raise kids alone. I understand where you're coming from though. It's hard to understand the things we take for granted like having a typical family dynamic. But if you truly love your boyfriend you'd be kind not to judge the people that he loves dearly. They are his family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chelle21689 Posted May 10, 2013 Author Share Posted May 10, 2013 (edited) I said I was doing it to be more specific just giving the details is all. And I just said that she didnt want them to go with her because they were half and step...not my view. I'm the one trying to say it can be hurtful and I understand where step mom is coming from if she didnt want them there because they aren't full blood so I'm just saying maybe my boyfriends family is just that way sometimes. Edited May 10, 2013 by chelle21689 Link to post Share on other sites
venusianx13 Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 I understand a family's need for exclusive time together, but there is way to go about accomplishing that without hurting anyone. You should speak with your boyfriend. If you have been together for two years, you should feel comfortable conveying your feelings to him. From the start, my H2B wanted me included in EVERY family function, which got to be a bit overwhelming for me, honestly. But it set the tone. He doesn't have to ask if I can come anymore, it's always just been a given, even though I intentionally bow out from time to time. And there are times when I want some time alone with my little boy, my parents or my sister, but because I speak with him about it beforehand, he understands. I can understand why you are hurt. You are allowed to be! However, do your best to convey this to your partner (as you should!), without judging or labeling his family members. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 Ahh...I don't know. It sounds like you label his whole family. Maybe you're doing it here to be specific, I'm not so sure though. Either way if in your mind they are halfs and steps and whatnot, you should try to do away with that thinking. It sounds judgmental. But honestly there is a whole different dynamic when a mom raises her kids alone. It's not the same as doing it with another parent and your boyfriend probably adores and respects his mom a lot because its nowhere near as easy to raise kids alone. I understand where you're coming from though. It's hard to understand the things we take for granted like having a typical family dynamic. But if you truly love your boyfriend you'd be kind not to judge the people that he loves dearly. They are his family. My mom raised me alone. Just the two of us. I feel qualified to speak on this matter. My mom loves my best friend, whom she's known for 16 years, and she considers him to be like her son. She even has a picture of him on her desk. He's invited to all general family functions. However, she'd never invite me to something where it's just the two of us in his presence. Nor would I text him during the event and say, "Wow, this xyz is really good." It just seems like rubbing it in. It's rude and tacky. This Sunday my mom and grandma want to do a Mother's Day brunch, just us ladies in the family. My mom didn't ask me in front of my best friend. She asked me in email. So now, when I tell my best friend (we live together) where I'm going Sunday morning, he won't give it a second thought. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 Fine but it wasn't his mom that did it, it was his sister. Anyway, when chelle calls her boyfriend's siblings half and full it's pretty disrespectful when they don't even refer to them that way. My point is maybe she isn't the only person in this situation being treated disrespectfully. She refers to them as her brothers but I'm tellin you they are half because she excludes them sometimes because they aren't her "real" full blood. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 I don't care who does it. It's tacky, and what he did was tacky. I'm not even understanding why the half/full stuff matters, unless she's openly disrespecting them or making them feel bad by calling them his half-whatever in front of them. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 I don't care who does it. It's tacky, and what he did was tacky. I'm not even understanding why the half/full stuff matters, unless she's openly disrespecting them or making them feel bad by calling them his half-whatever in front of them. Because if that's how she sees it then its her passing judgment. You don't have to vocalize disapproval to harbor it. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 I didn't think this thread was about judging. Everyone makes judgments. At any rate, I still think it was tacky. That is pertinent to the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 Whatever you say hoss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chelle21689 Posted May 10, 2013 Author Share Posted May 10, 2013 (edited) WOW AmasnGrace you keep getting it the wrong way and you are completely misunderstanding it. What do you want me to say? Her dad's son? I'm TRYING TO GET my point across that she doesn't want them there because they are half-brothers to her MIND. Jeez louise...they usually say "brother" but if they're letting them to other people who don't know the situation for the first time they say "half". O.o For the sake of this thread and the POINT of my message I'm saying half even though I refer to them as their brother when I talk to them. Case closed. Edited May 10, 2013 by chelle21689 Link to post Share on other sites
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