Wife plans her day around her mom, instead of herself or us.

[Okeanos]

As it often happens, nothing becomes a problem unless there are other things as well. You know what I mean. In our case, it's my wife's now increasing attachment to her mom that is preventing our marriage and home from having its own life, style and direction. After 5 years of marriage, she still refers to "my family" (she and her parents) as something more intimate than "us" (she and me).

 

For example, on the phone with mom, she always tells the story of the day by saying "I went", "I ate", "I bought". I've tried both, to make fun of the fact and also to try to inspire her into using the words "we" and "us" every now and then. But to this day, it doesn't happen. I've used "we" and "us" from day one, and I can't quite understand why she even makes fun at it and dismisses it.

 

But there are a lot of practical effects to the above. My wife now wakes up each morning talking on the phone with mom, instead of sharing breakfast with me. And she comes late to the table when I prepare lunch or dinner, if she's on the phone with mom. Even when dinning out, she may strike a conversation right there with the cellphone. She's now acknowledged that speaking to her mom while we have the night out is wrong (she once spoke over the phone during all of our dinner time at a restaurant!). But at home it's still the same.

 

I could give more examples, but that one is quite illustrative.

 

The background to this, is that my wife's mom and dad have fought almost every day for all their lives. Her parents never dine at home together (only separate in plates and rooms), and basically live like reluctant roomates. Her mom does not have any friends outside of work (not one!), and she does not go out with her work acquaintances. The wife feels sorry for her mom.

 

So my wife is her mom's buddy. They even go out for dinner by themselves, without inviting her dad nor even me! Apparently, when my wife was young, she and mom did not get along or come close to having any good time together, due to her mom's stressful character. But now they have found a way to comunicate amicably. I've been very liberal with this from the beginning, expecting my wife as an adult to value her marriage and consider it her new family. But it seems she's stuck with trying to overcome shortcomings of her childhood and adolescent time with her mom. With her dad she's yet to make a connection, but that's another story.

 

How does this relate to other people's experience? And what do other folks think this is leading to?

 

Thanks in advance!!!

[bluechocolate]

Her parents never dine at home together (only separate in plates and rooms), and basically live like reluctant roomates

 

It sounds like you two may be headed the same way if your wife doesn't change her behaviour. Have your pointed this out to her?

 

Talking on her mobile over dinner, at home or in a restaurant, is extremely rude. She should only be on the phone long enough to say "I'm having dinner, I'll call you back.", or better yet her phone should be turned off. If I were you I would pick up my plate & go sit somewhere else to finish my dinner.

 

After 5 years of marriage, she still refers to "my family" (she and her parents) as something more intimate than "us" (she and me).

 

This is bizarre. And it's the type of thing a room mate would do - see the pattern here? She's learnt this from her parents.

 

So my wife is her mom's buddy. They even go out for dinner by themselves, without inviting her dad nor even me!

 

That's great - there's nothing wrong with that per se, but not to the detriment of her relationship with her husband. You should be her family, first & foremost and your wife needs to understand that.

 

I've used "we" and "us" from day one, and I can't quite understand why she even makes fun at it and dismisses it.

 

I think it's a given that she has difficulty understanding what a good marriage is about because of the nature of her parents relationship. I don't know what to say that would make your wife change, except to suggest that if you seriously feel this is jeopardising your marriage & you (& she) want to stay together, you both should consider some outside counselling.

[Matilda]

Wow, she is going quite a bit overboard with the Mom relationship, isn't she!

 

I am close to my mother, and sometimes find it easier to talk with her about things than my husband. But, I only talk to her once, or at most twice a week. My Mom also has a difficult relationship with her husband (my step-father), and often talks to me about it. She doesn't really have any friends to talk to either. However, my Mom respects that I am an adult, with a family, and is very conscious of not intruding on that.

 

Sounds like, your wife and her Mom, don't have any concept of boundaries in an adult mother-daughter relationship. What does your wife say about her behavior? Does she think it's okay? Or does she know it's wrong, but excuses it because of her upbringing, and do it anyway?

 

Being close to my own Mom, I think I would get upset if anyone tried to intefere with that bond. So, I do think you need to be careful here. Having said that, your wife's behavior, as you describe it, is destructive to your marriage. Have you tried calmly sitting down with her and talking about it, in a loving way? "I care about you honey, and I am glad you are finally getting to have a relationship with your Mom, but I am feeling ignored (or whatever word/words is/are appropriate for you here)."

 

I also agree with bc that she may simply have no idea how to be married. If you haven't already, you might want to take a look at the marriage builders website. Here is a link to a situation that reminds me of yours, even though the original problem is different. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5053b_qa.html

After talking to your wife, ask her if she is willing to do some work on improving your relationship. Have her take a look at marriage builders, and there are also good books out there I think. Counseling might be an option, although I think it sounds as if she needs to do it individually, at least at first.

 

Good luck to you.

[Okeanos]

Wow, folks! Thanks for taking the time for your thoughtfull responses.

 

I think it's a given that she has difficulty understanding what a good marriage is about because of the nature of her parents relationship.

 

She's been aware of this even before we got married, when she used to admit that bad habits learned at home would be hard to overcome. I would say that overall she has done quite a lot to overcome this over the years. But we seem to have hit a peak in that improvement.

 

I've tried to use the habit of sitting together for lunch or dinner every day, something she never had at home, as a catalyst for creating a better environment. And for the most part, it's worked as such.

 

Being close to my own Mom, I think I would get upset if anyone tried to intefere with that bond. So, I do think you need to be careful here.

 

I agree. In fact, I do what I can to help her get along with her parents, and I much prefer she get along with her mom than having them two argueing every day. So I really like them coming together, even if it's at a later stage of their lives than normal. But it's quite tricky for me when I try to think how I can keep it all reasonable. For example, my wife is even talks about postponing our vacations when we have them, if mom at home has a new ailment or a new problem. And then, I'm not really sure anymore if she actually enjoys our vacations, because of her constant calling back home.

 

Again, thanks for your thoughts!