Wife cheated a year ago now I want out. Should I go?

[Rockwater]

I've been with my wife for 10 years. Married 8. About a year ago she contacted her high school boyfriend on facebook. At the time she was really depressed and had been battling an opiate and alcohol addiction. Phone records show that they had been texting and having phone calls for about three months. One day I returned home from a business trip and she confesses this story. Says she had been drinking all day and taking Xanax and eating loratabs. Around 6:00 he called her and was about 10 min up the road hanging out with his friends. We have three small children so she couldn't leave. Instead she says she invited him and his friends over to have a drink with her. However they never showed. Then at about 1:00am he knocks on the door by himself and asks if they can still have a drink. She invites him in and is supposedly so messed up on alcohol and Xanax bars she falls asleep on the couch. Then she says she wakes up to him kissing her and taking off her clothes. She says she knew he was having sex with her but was to messed up to stop him. After he finished she realized what she had done and kicked him out. This is her story, however when I ask her if she was rapped she says no? Little confusing. In the days following she admitted this to me called his wife and told her what happend without me suggesting it. Prior to this my wife has battled a three year long opiate and alchol addiction, she's been to rehab but it never helped. However after this night she quit using opiates and alcohol completely. To my knowledge she has been sober ever since. If she has used it has not been much.(I could tell) so we will say this pushed her to quit cold turkey. Problem is its been about 15 months and I still can't get the images out of my head, I recently told her it was to much for me to bear and I have been moved out for about two weeks. I really feel like I should forgive her but my heart won't allow me to move on. I just get filled with hate when I look at her. Is this normal. We had a very living awsome relationship prior to this aside from the fights we had been in battling her addiction. I loved her through that but adultry is to much for me to bear. So I guess my reason for this post is to ask " am I not being a good man by choosing to walk?" I wish I could love her the same way but my heart won't allow it, I feel it's best to leave so I can fall in love with someone one day and also because I do believe she deserved to be loved too. I wish it could be by me but it seems impossible. I feel she was taken advantage of but then I remember all the phone calls? Can any of you ladies relate to her story or any of you guys to mine?

[malxme]

I can't relate to this, but I can definitely understand your hurt. The way I look at it, she's a married woman, she should not have let a man into the house in the middle of the night?! That being said i have no knowledge of the mix of drugs/booze she was on and how it may have effected her and her judgement. And I personally dont think its at all appropriate for her to have contacted an old boyfriend! To me that is just asking for trouble! The only advice I can give you is that you need to focus on YOU. It sounds like your wife is going through alot of problems, but if her problems will make you stay and drag you down, its not healthy for either of you. It sounds like you've done the right things moving out for a bit, and giving yourself some time to think. Take as much time as you need to reflect on the relationship. Maybe talk with her about what you need from her to be able to forgive her?

 

I'm sorry i cant offer you much help, Its sounds a horrible situation to be in.

[BeholdtheMan]

Then at about 1:00am he knocks on the door by himself and asks if they can still have a drink. She invites him in and is supposedly so messed up on alcohol and Xanax bars she falls asleep on the couch. Then she says she wakes up to him kissing her and taking off her clothes. She says she knew he was having sex with her but was to messed up to stop him. After he finished she realized what she had done and kicked him out. This is her story, however when I ask her if she was rapped she says no?

This smells like minimising/blame-shifting to me...but you'll never know since you don't have surveillance cameras in your house. If you can't handle not being able to know for sure, you might want to consider ending the marriage and moving on

 

A point I'd like to make about drugs and alcohol. A mature responsibly adult will avoid getting trashed precisely because it may lead to bad behaviour. "But...I was drunk" is not an excuse unless someone forced you to drink. Drinking is almost always voluntary, and therefore almost always easily avoided with a little bit of self-control.

 

I really feel like I should forgive her but my heart won't allow me to move on.

Forgiveness is completely up to you. Someone who confesses her misdeeds is not automatically entitled to forgiveness. There's nothing wrong with withholding forgiveness if your heart doesn't feel that way.

 

Furthermore, forgiveness and divorce are not mutually exclusive. You can forgive her, respect her for disclosing her infidelity rather than hiding it, but still part ways on cordial terms. This is definitely an option.

 

I just get filled with hate when I look at her. Is this normal. We had a very living awsome relationship prior to this aside from the fights we had been in battling her addiction. I loved her through that but adultry is to much for me to bear.

If it's too much to bear, divorce and move on

 

" am I not being a good man by choosing to walk?"

Of course not. Alcohol or no alcohol, she betrayed your trust. Leaving is perfectly justified when your spouse has committed adultery. Leaving doesn't make you a bad man, and staying doesn't necessarily make you a good man. It all depends on why you're staying/leaving.

 

I don't see how you can successfully stay if your heart isn't in it. In fact, divorce is probably the more intelligent and potentially less damaging choice if you're fairly certain that you won't be able to get over her sexual encounter with another man.

[drifter777]

Three small children? I think that fact is worth some effort to reconcile so find a counselor for yourself and a marriage counselor for you both and get to work. If she is willing to do anything to repair the damage she has done and you are willing to give her the chance to prove she is a changed woman you might have a chance. Try it for the kids sake.

[BeholdtheMan]

Three small children? I think that fact is worth some effort to reconcile so find a counselor for yourself and a marriage counselor for you both and get to work. If she is willing to do anything to repair the damage she has done and you are willing to give her the chance to prove she is a changed woman you might have a chance. Try it for the kids sake.

I don't believe the presence of children alone justifies putting yourself through the torture of reconciling when your heart doesn't want to

 

In fact, maintaining a "marriage" like that could do more damage to the children than a clean and amicable divorce

 

Children is one factor but not the determining factor when deciding whether to stay with a cheating spouse. In my opinion, heartfelt remorse on the WS's part and heartfelt willingness on the BS's part are more important factors

[Bryanp]

She allows another man to come to your home while 3 small children are sleeping. She has unprotected sex with him in your home and then supposedly after sex she has the presence of mind to kick him out. She claims no rape. If you believe this story then I have a bridge to sell you.

 

I think you would have to be out of your mind not to leave. I think it is also important to realize that she also invited a group of men to come over for drinks while she is there with her small children alone. Talk about an unfit mother.

 

See a lawyer and save yourself and your children.

[KraftDinner]

If what she says is true, then yes, she was raped. Alcohol/drugs, bad judgement letting him in, whatever, does not change that fact.

 

The fact that she stopped using says that this was a huge eye-opener for her.

 

However, why is she herself not calling it rape? This is where it gets murky. This is probably why you're torturing yourself, unsure of what's actually going on here.

 

If it was in fact rape, would that change things for you?

[BetrayedH]

I recommend that you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, What Every WS Needs to Know. It will give you a decent understanding of what to expect from a truly remorseful wayward wife when it comes to reconciliation.

 

That said, she is only half of the equation. You ability to forgive (or some may say, accept) what she's done is the other half. On that note however, it's conventional wisdom that it takes 2-5 years to reconcile from infidelity. Many say that the second year is worse than the first. The wayward typically starts to relax their efforts as they are typically "over it" much sooner than the betrayed spouse. And for you, any fear that you may have had about her leaving is gone; you now feel "safe" enough for the anger to come out. The betrayed spouses that I see successfully reconciled turned a corner around the third to fourth year. You're not there yet.

 

I think some of your angst has to do with her current honesty (or potential lack thereof). With three months of calls and texts, was it really "just once" when it comes to sex? Many waywards make such a claim and it's hardly ever true. Was this a drunken one-night-stand or a three-month affair? And if she was so doped up that she was completely taken advantage of, why doesn't she call it rape (protecting her OM, perhaps)? I think these are critical questions for you to be able to say definitively that she's truly remorseful. In my book, if they're still lying, they're not remorseful.

 

But if you believe she's been truthful and is truly remorseful, you might want to consider giving it more time. My $.02 anyway.

[Rockwater]

Thanks to all of you who have replied. This is my first post so I wasn't sure if I'd get a response. To answer a few things. I understand she was an unfit mother however she was not this woman before her addictions nor after this happened. She has made every effort to salvage our marriage that a person could make. I guess that's why I feel guilty about not loving her anymore. Sure she made bad mistakes, but we all do. My issue is the sexual act. It's obvious she had an emotional affair by the phone calls n such, but that part doesn't stop me from loving her. The physical act does. There are children involved and that is a factor for me as well. I feel I owe it to them to try to save our marriage. But do I sacrifice my own happiness for theirs? Also it's been mentioned that she invited him in so let me tell a lil more of her story. She claims when he showed up at 1am she told him it was to late and he needed to go, but he insisted on one drink. She says she made him sit on the porch and then her phone rang. She went inside to talk to her friend for a min. After they hung up she says she was so messed up she forgot about him outside and passed out on the couch. Then woke up to the rest of the story... Her phone records indicate that her friend did call around this time. Anyway her story screams rape to me however she says it aint? Yea that's merky. And it absolutely would make a difference for me if that was the case. I can get over bad decisions but not intercourse. I've said to her that her story suggest rape and have asks why she says its not. Her response is that she feels to blame for ever talking to him in the first place and asking him over. I've also asked if you were so messed up how did you come to and tell him to leave? She said "after you realize something like that has just happened it kinda sobers you up" we have tried counseling but I cussed out the counselor and walked out in the first ten min because he started with what I did to lead her into another mans arms. I couldn't listen to that. I feel as if a marriage can be fixed after adultry mine should be able to, however I'm just the kinda person that can't let go even tho I want to. Do I just need more time to heel? Trust really is not an issue either I believe she is remorsful and will never allow herself to be put in that situation again I just don't understand it fully I guess. And I can't get over what I don't understand. By the way this cat is 5'9 300lbs and broke. I'm 6,1 shredded to pieces. I get told often I'm eerily similar to brad Pitt and my income is in the triple digits. Not bragging or being conceded, but I'm a catch damnit. I don't wtf she was thinking by ever talking to him. Also she text him after it happened and was basically mean to him, he responded by apologizing and saying he thought she liked him. She responded by saying " I don't know what made you think that I never let on I wanted that from you. I should have never talked to you. He replied a second time and said " your right I knew you were messed up and I did it anyway. You should've never talked to me cause you knew I was gonna get that pussy" this was after he found out she told his wife so I don't know which of his text to believe. The one she led him on or that one? Basically my hearts out but we still have 3 kids. Would you people try and salvage this or walk away? Thanks to everyone who took time to post.

[Mr. Lucky]

Basically my hearts out but we still have 3 kids. Would you people try and salvage this or walk away? Thanks to everyone who took time to post.

No one here can make that decision for you. Regardless of spin or interpretation, your wife obviously cheated on you in both an emotional and physical affair. But the positive thing is that you're at the point almost every BS hopes to get to - remorseful spouse making "every effort to salvage our marriage that a person could make". Many never make it that far. So because of both her cheating and efforts to repair, you can justifiably go either direction - walk away or stay. Just as she had a choice when she started the affair, you have a choice in the recovery.

 

Do you have a therapist, church member or family/friend that you're comfortable discussing this with?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SmokeRat]

I'm sorry Jenn, but I must disagree.

 

Drinking is a choice, with the consequence of having the potential to become addicted. Doing drugs is a choice with the same consequence.

 

Attacking the BS, by calling him Arrogant and Egotistical, isn't helpful, and frankly, isn't welcome here. So keep it to yourself.

 

This man has been through a traumatic experience, and his emotions are causing inner termoil, he's allowed to sound 'arrogant and egotistical' right now, because that's his emotions way of keeping him alive. His own ego is shattered and torn, so even a fake persona of having an EGO, is enough to keep him going.

 

I will never accept drinking or drug use, as an excuse to throw your caution to the wind. It's an excuse that just doesn't hold water. If you know your boundries are weak to start, why push them even farther?

 

You having not actually experienced your spouse having an affair, you cannot even begin to fathom the level of betrayal, anger, hurt, confusion and rage that a BS goes through. The self doubt, the self hate, loathing even, that we have to endure.

 

While I am sympathetic to people with substance abuse issues, at the end of the day when I do speeches with the Fire Department to youth with substance issues, the message I send to them is this:

 

"You're in charge of your own life. I'm not here to coddle you, pamper you, or make you feel good about yourself. I'm here to explain, that if you continue down the path you are going, you will die. Simple. And I will not shed a tear for you, because you know what you are doing is wrong, destructive and deadly."

 

"See this, this is a body bag. Continue, and I'll be putting you in here, without even a second thought. Straighten out your lives, sort out your ****, and stop being selfish immature children."

 

And you know what, most of the teenagers and young adults come around to that message. Because it's no bull****.

 

Not to come off as an ******* of course.

[Jenn.Smith]

Just because i disagree with what everyone has said doesn't mean my opinion can't be shared. It seems everyone else has just read the part about her cheating an not anything else. I do think he needs to leave. I said as much. I also think she was wrong. But not with the accusations others have laid on her. The arrogence here of BS is mind boggeling. And should my husband turn out to be cheating I hope that I will not behave quite as bad as half as some of you.

[Jenn.Smith]

But smokerat i dont think this bs needs to be coddled. Yeah it hurts but he should leave if her having sex with someone she already had sex with makes him not sleep at night. And people can be charged with rape when drugs or alchohal is involves so apparently the governmet doesnt agree with you. And he has said nothing of her behaviour in the past year that says she isn't changing herself. Therefore, if he No longer loves her that is his problem and he should leave.

 

No one needs to be coddled in my opinion. He tried one councilor... Why not another. Until he finds the one that agrees with him.

[Rockwater]

Didn't mean to come off arrogant. I'm really a pretty humble guy this has just been a hard pill to swallow. I understand what you mean about how she must feel. And I hate that but I have feelings too. Part of the reason I moved out is because I believe she deserves to be loved and not resented.

 

The pain of what she has done has faded and I'm really left with a battle with myself. I wanna get over it, but that's easier said than done. Guess I better figure out in the weeks to come. I do appreciate your opinion. And thanks to new bomb for sticking up for me.

[SmokeRat]

Listen, yes he does need a little coddling, compassion and sympathy.

 

Listen Rock, what happened to you was complete ****. No if's and's of but's. I'm sorry for you, I'm so very sorry you've been put into this position. If any of us, could solve this for you, we would. We've been where you are, and it's not pleasant, and the waves it causes reach far.

 

You take as much time as you need. 2 months, 5 months, 5 years. Whatever it takes. Any WS that tries to tell you, to hurry up and forgive/forget, is being a complete douche asshat.

 

I know the battle you are fighting within yourself, and I've been exactly where you area. Except my STBXW's addiction was sleeping with married men who had children. And let me tell you something, you do not need to be the White Knight. I'm a White Knight, and many people who know my story will tell you, it's was detrimental to my health.

 

You can support your wife in her time of need when it comes to her substance abuse issues, but don't you dare for one minute, excuse her behavior for these actions. She's an adult, adults can make decisions whether they be right or wrong, but at the end of the day, they need to face those consequences.

 

Resentment is natural Rock. Eventually you have to let go of it, but the process to letting go is a TRULY REMORSEFUL spouse. One that shares in you pain, not only as the person who caused it, but eagerly takes part in it. They want to share in your pain, so they can help you ease out of it.

 

Is your wife remorseful? Does she truly realize the stress she's placed on you? Does she want to work this out, with the understanding that it takes time, and damn ****ing hard work from her, to help you?

 

She brought this mess, it's her job, NAY her duty, to help steer you through the rubble.

 

We are here for you. And I feel for you brother.

[dichotomy]

Here are my thoughts.

 

It appears there was an emotional affair for a little while - leading to a drug induced barley there one night sta

Edited May 9, 2013 by dichotomy

[BetrayedH]

Personally, I would try to salvage it. I wished my wife had voluntarily disclosed and had been willing to do the hard work afterwards. I wanted to keep my family intact but my wife kept lying.

 

As for the mind movies, you may want to look into EMDR therapy. There are a lot of anecdotal reports of success with infidelity and it's gaining traction in the scientific community.

[dichotomy]

Problem with previous post.

 

Here are my thoughts and questions:

 

It appears there was an emotional affair for a little while - leading to a drug induced barley there one night stand (maybe rape).

 

Drugs/alcohol/depression lead to behavior outside of the character or morals of someone.

 

Did she let you read or see all the texts, open up her Facebook, or email accounts for you to look at then.... or now? she should.

 

You were right to walk out on that therapist who started to blame you - what BS. But there are plenty of good ones. You can do phone interviews before hand with a potential therapist - I did and it was helpful.

 

Does she appear genuinely regretful and ashamed? Has she treated you right since then - made amends, been giving to sexually, emotionally and lots respect?

 

One is never cured from these kind of addictions - only clean and sober. I worry that on her own without you, she could regress - and your kids would be exposed again to her weakness. I would think staying to protect your kids would be a very important part of your decision along with the rest.

 

 

P.S. - affairs (and sex) are not always about physical attraction. Please do not let this fat slob of a man - in anyway let feel bad about you manhood or attraction to women (even if your were not a ripped brad pit)

Edited May 9, 2013 by dichotomy

[Mr. Lucky]

Part of the reason I moved out is because I believe she deserves to be loved and not resented.

What are you proactively doing since you left to try and resolve the conflict between what you think and how you feel?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rockwater]

Absolutely she has acted remorseful. When she dropped her opiate addiction she actually spent a week in the hospital her withdraws where so bad. She has since worshiped the ground I walk on. She turned back into my loving wife immediately afterwards. Problem is I lost my love for her. At least the love that a husband is suppose to have for his wife. Sometimes I wish she Had not done these things so I could leave without guilt. It's hard to walk away from someone who try's so despratly to get you to love them.

 

Part of the reason I left is because I feel like I'm abusing her now by not showing any affection. I can count the times we have had sex since then, and it was pretty much me getting mine and leaving the room. She's been understanding of that, but I feel it's abuse to treat her that way. I just can't help it.

 

As for what I'm doing now? I don't really know? I'm just keeping my space. I'm wondering if in the weeks to come if she starts dating... Will it bother me?? Sometimes I think no, one man has been inside her, what's another? Sometimes I could care less and tell myself when it happens again I can leave with no guilt. Other times I think it might rip me apart all over again.

 

I feel screwed either way really. On one hand if I stay, I'll have a wife whose been with another man and ill never truly love her again like I'm suppose to. On the other hand if I start over I won't have my kids apart of my life near as much and more than likely end up supporting my next lovers kids. Idk if I could be truly happy with that scenario either. I feel screwed anyway I turn.

[Darren Steez]

Unless someone has actually dealt with a drug/alchohal problem they need to shut up. Your wife was messed up. She made a mistake. The very fact that she has cleaned up and for so long is a sign she really did know screwed up.

 

Get over yourself or get out. BS love to become judgemental and prison wardens. Make demands and put everything black and white. This isn't your wife to blame now. This is you. She deserves someone who won't resent her. She had sex. While inebriated. They actually have lots of campaigns about that being rape. People who are Raped without alchohal Influence often havw a hard time pressing charges... It is a horrible experience. And they feel like it is their fault so you can imagine someone who had been carrying on an emptional affair would feel it is their fault.

 

Those betrayed are petting you, telling you you are right but your not. Sorry.

 

If you decide to leave be sure to stay active enough in her life that u know she is staying fit enough to child care. She may need to be commited.

 

Did i mention you sound very arrogent and egotistical? You're not doing her a favour staying.

 

Really? A bit unnecessary no? and arrogant is spelt with an a not an e..committed with a double t...emotional with an o not a p...have with an e not an w...alcohol with an o not an a...judgmental only has one e.

[dichotomy]

I understand some of your feelings.

 

Lets say you start dating - whats to say the gals you date (or even have sex with) won't be dating/having sex with other guys. I know its not the same as being married - but again your going to deal with an interesting market out there in the dating world. You could be kissing some gal on the lips who just had some guy 12 hours ago....well you get the picture.

 

Then what you going to do when your ex wife starts bring guys home to your kids - and maybe eventually becomes their new step daddy. Then the conflicts and battles over a man with your children (forget your wife).

 

Then the child support, and battles over when the kids can see you.

 

Then as you mention - you maybe find some gal with kids of her own - how you going to like being step dad (it aint easy let me tell you).

 

I can't tell you what is right for you, sometimes I feel in these situations the choice comes down to "which option am I less F#cked?" .

 

Ideally I suppose you get custody due to her drug issues, and avoid child support or alimony - and you find a new gal.

 

Or you find some way to accept your wife as the new woman and new wife she has become for you?

[Jenn.Smith]

I apologize for coming off a little strong to the OP. but his complaints sounded very possesive and well, male. And i still think people who have never struggled with a substance abuse should shut up on their judgements. You have no idea unless it has happened to you. Also I am not a ws or ever cheated even emotionaly. I haven't even toed the line. But, i have had a problem with drinking and have been ashamed of my behaviour while drunk so I don't even take a sip. Even without planning it is amazing what what drink can lead me too... And guess what, sometimes there are excuses/reasons people do things. Doesnt make it less wrong but it does explain it.

 

As to loving your wife i think the part about romantisizing it is dead on. Really do go to IC. Because perhaps you have been damaged from loving and trusting anyone else. Tho it sounds like this is just a no feelings thing not trust issue.

[2sure]

Reconciliation requires two things first and foremost.

A WS that is sincerely remorseful, willing to change, and work hard on the marriage.

A BS that is able to forgive, wants to regain trust, and work hard the marriage.

 

If those things aren't there, it just isn't going to happen.

Not being able to forgive her doesn't make you a bad person. It's a personal thing that can't be judged. And even if it does make you feel bad, it snt enough for marriage to love her, trust her, but not forgive her.

 

She certainly has shown remorse and changed.

 

If you can't do what ou have to do, it's time for you both to move on.

I personally feel that until you learn to forgive her, you won't be happy with or without her....but, you're entitled!

[Mr. Lucky]

As for what I'm doing now? I don't really know? I'm just keeping my space. I'm wondering if in the weeks to come if she starts dating... Will it bother me?? Sometimes I think no, one man has been inside her, what's another? Sometimes I could care less and tell myself when it happens again I can leave with no guilt. Other times I think it might rip me apart all over again.

I personally think you'd feel better if you took some proactive steps to clarify your situation. Examples:

 

Counseling - I don't recall any mention of IC or MC in your posts. Given your obviously conflicted state, why not?

 

Legal - Are you legally separated? Sounds like you've moved out of the house - have you reviewed with a lawyer what that means?

 

Children - Are you working hard to keep this malaise out of their lives? What have you and your wife said to them about your living situation?

 

Reconciliation - BS's are all over the board in their want or need for details and information. Is there more your wife could give you in terms of who/what/when/where/how that would address some of your concerns?

 

One casualty of infidelity in the lost sense of control that the BS has over their life and marriage. You feel like a passenger, someone else is driving the bus. It might be helpful for you to stop wondering and start planning, regardless of the direction you take...

 

Mr. Lucky