Wife cheated a year ago now I want out. Should I go?

[Jenn.Smith]

I don't understand these kinds of posts. I mean, have all of us BS's forgotten how much a cheater will lie? And she is an addict to boot? I wouldn't believe a word she said about the incident, but that's just me.

 

Thank God we aren't all like you or the world would be a terrible place. This BS isn't having trouble believing her... He is having trouble with the fact someone else was in his wife. Therefore, BH is right on the money.

[BetrayedH]

I don't understand these kinds of posts. I mean, have all of us BS's forgotten how much a cheater will lie? And she is an addict to boot? I wouldn't believe a word she said about the incident, but that's just me.

 

What about the text messages? She pretty well says straight up that she never said she wanted sex and he says he took it anyway. It's a veritable confession by the OM that he raped her.

Edited May 10, 2013 by BetrayedH

[leonine]

If this went down as described, it was rape. The text messages and phone records give credence to her story happening as she said it did. It doesn't matter if she calls it rape, it was a rape. It's not terribly unusual for a woman to not want to report given the number of d-bags out there dying to blame it on the victim.

 

Should she have gotten fall down drunk? Maybe, maybe not. Did she therefore get what was coming to her? Of course the frick not! My husband was a self-admitted jerk to me for an extended period of time. Did he deserve to be cheated on? Nope. My husband and this woman both behaved poorly, but my actions just like the rapist's actions are our own and unjustifiable.

 

At the end of the day, it sounds like there may have been a 3 month EA followed by a rape. OP claims that it's the sex that made him "lose love" for his wife. Are you going to leave your wife because she was the victim of a crime?

[drifter777]

Thank God we aren't all like you or the world would be a terrible place. This BS isn't having trouble believing her... He is having trouble with the fact someone else was in his wife. Therefore, BH is right on the money.

 

 

 

We'll see.

[2sunny]

The reasons I feel guilty for leaving are because of my children. I feel I owe it to them to reconcile. I don't want em to grow up get the story and say dad you should have stayed. Also my faith. I'm a god fearing man and I don't believe I have grounds for divorce in his eyes due to her repentance.

 

As far as the love thing goes, I know what I signed up for. I've been with her in good times and bad, rich times and poor, and in her sickness (addiction) I didn't sign up to love her through adultry tho. I know passion comes in goes over the course of a marriage and I've experienced that to. However I was always able to pull out some heart felt romance with her during our struggles. I knew it was short lived and that we would be fighting soon about her lies, and drug use but in moments of peace I was always able to remind her that I loved her and that I was still on her team.

 

I don't believe passion is ever suppose to completely fade in a marriage like it has mine.

The kids don't know much, I work all over the country so it's not uncommon for me to be gone for a few weeks. I have not told them anything yet. And no there is nothing left for me to ask her she has not held back any info. She's been an open book. My problem is that I can't seem to find it in me to love her with a passionate love. I love her like a family member I guess.

 

Have you two done counseling?

 

Has she done all her step work - including sponsoring others?

 

Have you engaged in any communication with any other women thus far?

[Jenn.Smith]

I dont think you really read everythig. He wasn't caught that night so why would fake texts be made. That is also a lot of work for someone who is strung out.

 

No wonder it is hard to get women to confess to date rape and drunk rape when you have people like this throwing out accusations.

[katielee]

Wow... - I was raped. In my opinion. And I filed a police report.

And I'm very glad I'm not married to you....

[Jenn.Smith]

Wow, what has she changed. Just because she disn't say i was raped she said how it happened. You are unbelievable! Whatever happened to compassion and forgiveness?

 

She even said people should be able to drink in their own room without being raped.... Ummm she saw it as rape. Why are you being so hurtful.

 

The OP's wife confessed to him what happened. She wasn't caught. She didn't make up a lie or pretend it didn't happen. She felt remorse. She felt guilt because she brought it on herself. So she probably just wants to move on. He, the OM even used guilt on her in his texts.

 

I think the OP is gone but o certainly home he doesn't listen to those so twisted by bitterness they have no forgiveness for even rape.

[Just a Guy]

It seems to me that the OP has decided that he would not like to continue with his wife for whatever reason. Maybe he has fallen out of love with her or now views her presence as distasteful. Whatever his reasons may be no one can force him to continue with his wife if he does not want to. One may not agree with him but the fact is that it his life and he is entitled to live it as he chooses. So many people here are trying to fault him into re considering his views but this is his perspective and that is where the matter should rest.

 

Katielee, I am sorry to read your story. However the fact remains that whatever may be the facts of the case and whatever your counselor or Rape agencies may say, if your husband's perspective is that you had a ONS then that is what should matter to you. After all he is your husband and you are his wife and this is between the two of you. It does not matter what the rest of the world thinks. That said, you will have to work with your husband to help him with viewing things from a different perspective and if he does not change his perspective then you will have to work with him to enable him to forgive you. I would also say that drinking beyond the point where you lose self control is always a dangerous thing. You could get killed from a simple accident in your home or elsewhere if you are not fully in control of yourself. Also, drinking lowers inhibitions and an inebriated woman is always open to be targeted by rakes if she is in a position where she can be so targeted.

[road]

Wow... - I was raped. In my opinion. And I filed a police report.

And I'm very glad I'm not married to you....

 

 

Go to party with opposite sex without your BH.

 

Get sloppy drunk.

 

Guy was trying to get into your pants all night.

 

Same guy shows up at your hotel door and you knew what he was up to and you let the OM into your room.

 

Then you claim you were too drunk to stop it.

 

You were not too drunk to flirt with the OM all night.

 

You were not too drunk to let the OM into your room.

 

You had the chance to not open your room door because you knew what the OM was after.

 

You had the chance to scream for help once the OM made his advance, then the chance to scream for help during the sex, and again right after the OM got off you.

 

You never call for help.

[katielee]

where did I say I was flirting with him? Where did I say he was trying to "get into my pants" all night? I didn't claim I was too drunk to stop it. I said I would have done the same thing sober....

Most women freeze when their arms are held against them...

you guys need to read more about rape and how women react when in this situation....

 

OP: here is a great link from RAINN on "was it rape?"

 

Was I Raped? | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network

[leonine]

Some of the attitudes towards women in this thread are truly disturbing. If some one came on to this forum and told BSs all the things they did wrong to cause their spouse to cheat on them, they would be taken to task and rightly so. Rape is the same. The only reason any woman (or man for that matter) ever gets raped is because some waste of skin decides to rape them. End of story.

[Infnitysign]

I've been with my wife for 10 years. Married 8. About a year ago she contacted her high school boyfriend on facebook. At the time she was really depressed and had been battling an opiate and alcohol addiction. Phone records show that they had been texting and having phone calls for about three months. One day I returned home from a business trip and she confesses this story. Says she had been drinking all day and taking Xanax and eating loratabs. Around 6:00 he called her and was about 10 min up the road hanging out with his friends. We have three small children so she couldn't leave. Instead she says she invited him and his friends over to have a drink with her. However they never showed. Then at about 1:00am he knocks on the door by himself and asks if they can still have a drink. She invites him in and is supposedly so messed up on alcohol and Xanax bars she falls asleep on the couch. Then she says she wakes up to him kissing her and taking off her clothes. She says she knew he was having sex with her but was to messed up to stop him. After he finished she realized what she had done and kicked him out. This is her story, however when I ask her if she was rapped she says no? Little confusing. In the days following she admitted this to me called his wife and told her what happend without me suggesting it. Prior to this my wife has battled a three year long opiate and alchol addiction, she's been to rehab but it never helped. However after this night she quit using opiates and alcohol completely. To my knowledge she has been sober ever since. If she has used it has not been much.(I could tell) so we will say this pushed her to quit cold turkey. Problem is its been about 15 months and I still can't get the images out of my head, I recently told her it was to much for me to bear and I have been moved out for about two weeks. I really feel like I should forgive her but my heart won't allow me to move on. I just get filled with hate when I look at her. Is this normal. We had a very living awsome relationship prior to this aside from the fights we had been in battling her addiction. I loved her through that but adultry is to much for me to bear. So I guess my reason for this post is to ask " am I not being a good man by choosing to walk?" I wish I could love her the same way but my heart won't allow it, I feel it's best to leave so I can fall in love with someone one day and also because I do believe she deserved to be loved too. I wish it could be by me but it seems impossible. I feel she was taken advantage of but then I remember all the phone calls? Can any of you ladies relate to her story or any of you guys to mine?

 

If I was in your shoes I will give her an ultimatum to report a rape because it was a rape. Or you walk and take the kids.

[troubadour]

Whether this is rape or not is irrelevant.

 

 

SERIOUSLY? Are you sure you know what you are talking about?

[Jenn.Smith]

Nobody knows if it is rape, and his wife says it is not.

 

If it is, it is, if it isn't it isn't.

 

Again, thats not the issue. The issue is her behavior and whether or not he can deal with it. So yes, I've read it all. Have you? Rape is simply a speculation at this point, although the wife says it isn't.

 

The title of the thread isn't "Do you think my wife was raped". If it were, bringing that into it would be relevant.

As the op who is gone now stated that his only problem was penetration. That his wife's behaviour has changed, that how she currently is has no complaints with him I think rape is very relevant. Whether she asked the guy over (btw is was with a group not by himself) and wether she says it is rape or not (she probably thinks because she let him

In she asked for it) doesnt change that the storu the OP told us it is rape. Therefore he really should stop worrying about someone else being inside his wife. To me that is as terrible as anyone else leaving their spouse because they were raped. It is unfaithful

[troubadour]

Nobody knows if it is rape, and his wife says it is not.

 

If it is, it is, if it isn't it isn't.

 

Again, thats not the issue. The issue is her behavior and whether or not he can deal with it. So yes, I've read it all. Have you? Rape is simply a speculation at this point, although the wife says it isn't.

 

The title of the thread isn't "Do you think my wife was raped". If it were, bringing that into it would be relevant.

 

 

Based on what the OP posted here his wife was clearly raped by that dude. It doesn't matter that she let him in.... what he has done is called rape and it is a huge issue!

 

Next time try reading with comprehension.

[Jenn.Smith]

The right thing would not to get an addiction in the first place. But nobody does the right thing all the time. Nobody is above falling in some way whether it is to cheat, lie, become a controlling WS. We are humans and all mess up.

 

Also, she did not invite the guy by himself over by her story. He showed up later alone.

 

The individual in the story should not have been caring for kids. And imo that says a lot about how broken the OP is even before.

 

The wife may have een lying. May have had the forthought to fake the texts with bf, then confess even tho she wasnt close to being caught, and then turn her life conpletely around. Yep she could be lying. All the signa are there.

[Confused48]

There are some people that will never allow themselves to cheat.

 

There are some people that think this way. Some of them are right. Most I think are lying to themselves. All would be better off to know they are human and be on guard for failure. To be proactive against human failings. And no one is made a better person by thinking themselves superior to others in this way.

 

There are also people that think they would never attempt to reconcile after an A. I was one. You tend to see a lot of us here attempting recon.

[Steadfast]

There are some people that think this way. Some of them are right. Most I think are lying to themselves. All would be better off to know they are human and be on guard for failure. To be proactive against human failings. And no one is made a better person by thinking themselves superior to others in this way.

 

Beautifully put. Words of wisdom and words to live by. Thank you.