Wife cheated a year ago now I want out. Should I go?

[Athens]

My favorite line of the day..the arrogance of the BS here is mind boggling...or whatever Jen said.....so much wrong on so many levels with this statement. MIT takes a truly shallow person to view a BS, especially the OP in this situation in such a light. No one asked to be betrayed, we did not have a choice in the matter. Kind of sick huh? Anyway, my guess is anyone that feels this way was left by their AP for the BS and it still stings, at least I hope that is what leads to such an ignorant view of this type of thing, because if not, it's true narcissism in its ugliest form.

[Rockwater]

The reasons I feel guilty for leaving are because of my children. I feel I owe it to them to reconcile. I don't want em to grow up get the story and say dad you should have stayed. Also my faith. I'm a god fearing man and I don't believe I have grounds for divorce in his eyes due to her repentance.

 

As far as the love thing goes, I know what I signed up for. I've been with her in good times and bad, rich times and poor, and in her sickness (addiction) I didn't sign up to love her through adultry tho. I know passion comes in goes over the course of a marriage and I've experienced that to. However I was always able to pull out some heart felt romance with her during our struggles. I knew it was short lived and that we would be fighting soon about her lies, and drug use but in moments of peace I was always able to remind her that I loved her and that I was still on her team.

 

I don't believe passion is ever suppose to completely fade in a marriage like it has mine.

The kids don't know much, I work all over the country so it's not uncommon for me to be gone for a few weeks. I have not told them anything yet. And no there is nothing left for me to ask her she has not held back any info. She's been an open book. My problem is that I can't seem to find it in me to love her with a passionate love. I love her like a family member I guess.

[dichotomy]

 

I don't do the god stuff, so others will have 2 advise you there.

 

 

You don't say which religion you are, but with the bible - adultery is clearly ok with God if you left (which actually you have right now). Also depending on your religious affiliation repentance is not even required for forgiveness and certainly not for extending grace to your wife.

 

Not religious based exactly, but In one of the recent threads there were several of us who decided to stay after EA or PA, but reserved the right to end it later based on the adultery issue or clause. It is a feeling of empowerment - that we are staying and working it from a place of strength and not weakness.

[Rockwater]

Dichotomy, your right scripture does say I can leave. I'm Christian btw. That's all that matters. I'd like to post what I understand about marriage from christ's point of view, and hope to hear from others there opinion. Maybe this will help y'all understand my guilt from a faith point of view.

 

Marriage was created not only as a gift to us but also as a tool that god uses to teach us about our relationship with him. Including (forgiveness) husbands play the role of Christ and wife's the role of the church. see we as husbands are suppose to love, honor, and cherish our wife's. we are to present them to the world as perfect despite their flaws. The same way he will present us as flawless to the father. Wife's are suppose to submit to their husbands and yes (obey) them the way we should obey Christ. If this bothers you ladies, remember if we do our job you should have no worries obeying us because you will know whatever we ask us in your best interest. See the resemblance?

 

Husbands play the role of god in the household to our wife's and children. We our suppose to succeed when others around us fail. God does not intend for us to bail cause he wouldn't bail on us if we failed him. This is his purpose for marriage, so that we can experience his kind of love in the flesh.

 

God loves the unity of marriage but loves the people in the marriage more and wants us to be happy. This is why he allows separation due to adultery. However I think he would be most pleased if we stayed. See maybe why I feel a little guilt? I need much to be forgiven on my judgement I don't want a failed marriage on my record. I wanna hear em say "well done my good and faithful servant."

 

I'd like to hear thoughts in this, but nothing mean if you don't believe. Ill respect y'all's beliefs please respect mine.

[dichotomy]

On this particular issue you may find some additional input in the spirituality section.

[BetrayedH]

I'm a little confused. As far as I can tell, you have to believe one of two things here. It's either:

 

(1) She was raped while unconscious in a drunken and drugged stupor. And she stopped him when he was able, kicked him out, and told you about it. OR

(2) She participated in a 3-month emotional affair that culminated in voluntary physical sex.

 

It seems to me that you believe #1. You've said she has been honest, open, transparent, willing to answer questions, do anything necessary to help you heal, etc.. You don't even have any more questions for her. You even have text messages between herself and the OM where she said she didn't want it and he admitted that he took it anyway. That sounds like rape to me wherher she wants to call it that or not. While I realize that she is responsible for the actions that got her intoxicated, she is otherwise as much or more of a victim in this scenario as you.

 

As I said, you seem to believe her - yet you continue to cite her with adultery (instead of calling her a rape survivor).

 

If you believe her, I don't know how you can justify divorcing her. That seems like further victimizing her for her victim status. Then you add in the kid factor and your religious beliefs. Seems like you would just be leaving her because the episode made you lose your romantic love for her. Not sure that meets the better or worse criteria.

 

Or do you believe it was a 3-month emotional affair that culminated in consentual physical sex?

 

Just trying to get it straight. The more I read, the more sympathy I have for your wife and kids and the less justified divorce seems.

[Rockwater]

I want to believe it was not voluntary but she says it aint rape, so where does that leave me? I'm not sure what the hell to believe that's the whole problem. I'm not expecting any answers on here guess I just wanted to tell my story and get some opinions. Thanks to all who responded. I've took in some interesting stuff from all of you. Much thanks everyone. I prolly won't get back on but if I remember I'll try to post an update. Thanks again everybody

[BeholdtheMan]

Unless someone has actually dealt with a drug/alchohal problem they need to shut up. Your wife was messed up. She made a mistake. The very fact that she has cleaned up and for so long is a sign she really did know screwed up.

 

Did i mention you sound very arrogent and egotistical? You're not doing her a favour staying.

I'm sorry...but get this garbage out of here. Do you know how incredibly selfish you sound?

 

 

Being drunk/alcoholic (i.e. lack of self-control) is not an excuse for cheating. It does not lessen your moral culpability. A mature person avoids getting drunk in potentially compromising situations. An immature, selfish person uses drunkenness as excuse for terrible judgment.

 

It was her choice to invite this guy over and her choice to get drunk. She voluntarily placed herself in a situation where a man could easily take advantage of her. Whether or not she decided to call it rape after the fact has no bearing on what she had already done. In fact, she didn't call it rape. That's pretty telling.

 

All her actions leading up to the possible "rape" show very poor judgment. Unless she has extremely low social intelligence, her actions leading up to sex show at least a subconscious desire to have this guy in her pants

Edited May 10, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[drifter777]

I want to believe it was not voluntary but she says it aint rape, so where does that leave me? I'm not sure what the hell to believe that's the whole problem. I'm not expecting any answers on here guess I just wanted to tell my story and get some opinions. Thanks to all who responded. I've took in some interesting stuff from all of you. Much thanks everyone. I prolly won't get back on but if I remember I'll try to post an update. Thanks again everybody

 

She's saying it's not rape because she's afraid you will call the cops and the truth will come out. I think you already know that she wanted to do it and then she did it. I urge you to get into counseling for yourself and also see a marriage counselor.

[Jenn.Smith]

I knew someone. Not a close friend but someone i hung out with occasionaly. She got drunk and put herself into a verycompromising situation that resulted in being raped. Because her action were unwise that led up to it she refused to report it as rape. I don't know what happened to her but she was destroyed. She was unmarried and not dating anyone as far as I know. So because she was single does that mean in that case she was more of a victom? I am not saying this BS is to blame for what happened. But you judgemental posters are not helping anyone.

 

BetrayedH is probably one of the kindest ive seen on here. And I agree 100% with his last post.

 

Some times people do make stupid choices and have horrible consequences. It isn't always premeditated.

[KraftDinner]

I'm a little confused. As far as I can tell, you have to believe one of two things here. It's either:

 

(1) She was raped while unconscious in a drunken and drugged stupor. And she stopped him when he was able, kicked him out, and told you about it. OR

(2) She participated in a 3-month emotional affair that culminated in voluntary physical sex.

 

It seems to me that you believe #1. You've said she has been honest, open, transparent, willing to answer questions, do anything necessary to help you heal, etc.. You don't even have any more questions for her. You even have text messages between herself and the OM where she said she didn't want it and he admitted that he took it anyway. That sounds like rape to me wherher she wants to call it that or not. While I realize that she is responsible for the actions that got her intoxicated, she is otherwise as much or more of a victim in this scenario as you.

 

As I said, you seem to believe her - yet you continue to cite her with adultery (instead of calling her a rape survivor).

 

If you believe her, I don't know how you can justify divorcing her. That seems like further victimizing her for her victim status. Then you add in the kid factor and your religious beliefs. Seems like you would just be leaving her because the episode made you lose your romantic love for her. Not sure that meets the better or worse criteria.

 

Or do you believe it was a 3-month emotional affair that culminated in consentual physical sex?

 

Just trying to get it straight. The more I read, the more sympathy I have for your wife and kids and the less justified divorce seems.

 

Thanks for posting what I was thinking...saved me a lot of typing on this crummy phone, phew.

[Coolit]

I'm a WS so I'm not positive I should weigh in here but I think I wil anyways. Nobody shoot me please.

 

If you are really a Bible believing Christian then you need to remember that "he who has never sinned, cast the first stone" and also that Jesus stated that if you even look at another man's wife with lust in your heart you have committed adultery. Pretty tough stuff to live by.

 

Your wife screwed up but by your own admission she is trying very hard. And has for a considerable amount of time not just a month as some WS who haven't really repented do. So, the ball is in your court now. I am inclined to believe that you were your wife's only? If that is the case then i can definitely see she shattered that. But, it isn't broken beyond fixing.

 

As has been suggested... Counselling. Both togethor and separate. And I'm sorry but a part of marriage counselling is finding out what you need to fix. This doesn't mean it was your fault. You don't own your wife or control her actions. That was all her. But, no one is perfect and we all have areas we can improve in.

 

I would also suggest to read "the five love languages". Helped friends of mine After their DDay.

 

Whatever you do. Work on letting the pain go. It is a daily thing but otherwise the hurt of the betrayel if stewed over will follow you from relationship to relationship. You have been broken. It takes time to heal.

[Artie Lang]

the problem here is whether you think you can handle your wife's infidelity, not whether she was or wasn't raped. by the way, that is a very strong accusation(rape) to lay on someone. only the persons present will ever know the truth.

 

your wife's refusal to seek legal action on this man is suspect. you say she talked to him the very next day..... wtf!? that doesn't do her credibility any favors. honestly, i don't think your wife is being very truthful right now.

 

if this guy did indeed rape her , you should urge her to go to the authorities immediately. heck, you should pursue the issue yourself if you can, on principle alone. my point is- DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! tossing out **** like rape is a very serious matter. it can damage a person's reputation, even if the accusations were found to be false. that's all i have to say about it.

 

 

as to your original question. people suggest counseling, but i think this affair might be a dealbreaker for you. it happens.

 

they say it takes 2-5 to get over something like this, if you ever do at all. are you willing to put in the work? i think when people want reconciliation they should go all in of not at all. this is the rest of your lives your talkin' here.

Edited May 10, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Running Man]

Some times people do make stupid choices and have horrible consequences. It isn't always premeditated.

 

That doesn't excuse the consequences of that persons actions or mean that they should be forgiven for them. Cheating is a boundary for Rock and she crossed that line. Adults are held accountable for there actions. Period.

 

How many premeditated drunk drivers that have killed a pedestrian do you know? Does hearing there excuse of whatever story, addiction, and abuse sooth the mind of the dead pedestrians family members with understanding and pity? Don't think so. Is it egotistical and judgmental of the family to hate or have ill feelings the DUI driver?

 

Rocks wife was drinking and taking medication, got behind the wheel with 3 children in the backseat, Then invited "friends" into the car for drinks and "passed out" while driving which lead into her running over Rock and the marriage.

 

If she is remorseful and telling the truth then she should press charges of rape against the OM. You cannot consent to sex when intoxicated and unable to respond.

[BetrayedH]

She claims when he showed up at 1am she told him it was to late and he needed to go, but he insisted on one drink. She says she made him sit on the porch and then her phone rang. She went inside to talk to her friend for a min. After they hung up she says she was so messed up she forgot about him outside and passed out on the couch. Then woke up to the rest of the story... Her phone records indicate that her friend did call around this time...(edit)...Also she text him after it happened and was basically mean to him, he responded by apologizing and saying he thought she liked him. She responded by saying " I don't know what made you think that I never let on I wanted that from you. I should have never talked to you. He replied a second time and said " your right I knew you were messed up and I did it anyway. You should've never talked to me cause you knew I was gonna get that pussy"

 

This seems highly relevant to me and puts the wife in a completely different category than a typical wayward. If you can forgive anything, I would hope it would be a wife who is truly remorseful after voluntarily confessing to being raped by some a**hole when she was passed-out.

[katielee]

I'm gonna throw my story out there:

 

I went to a conference and had a few too many to drink in my friend's room. I went back to my room and someone knocked on my door. I saw it was a guy we had been drinking with (in my two friends' room) and I slammed the door on his face. He knocked again, I looked out the peep hole and saw him and my friends behind him. I opened the door thinking they all were coming in. Only he did. I told him three times I didn't want to do what he wanted to do. He didn't leave but held my arms down against my side. The next thing I knew I was on the bed with my pants off and I don't remember how I got there.

 

Did I use poor judgment? Maybe. Should someone be able to drink in a hotel room and not get raped? Yes. My husband considers what I did a ONS. My therapist and rape advocacy center says it was rape.

 

I called the police. Twice. They said it would be a he said/she said kind of thing. The only thing I can do is file a civil suit. I called a lawyer and she said my situation is evidence weak.

 

So, we have to recover from this, whatever it is, and the guy gets off scot free.

 

The fact that your wife doesn't want to call the police is concerning. If she was raped, its very very hard for the victim to put themselves in a situation where they will be vicitimized again for what happened. I didn't want to call a lawyer. I did for my husband's sake. I just wanted to forget about it.

 

Just my situation, coming from someone who has been there.....

 

Good luck.

[Coolit]

That doesn't excuse the consequences of that persons actions or mean that they should be forgiven for them. Cheating is a boundary for Rock and she crossed that line. Adults are held accountable for there actions. Period.

 

How many premeditated drunk drivers that have killed a pedestrian do you know? Does hearing there excuse of whatever story, addiction, and abuse sooth the mind of the dead pedestrians family members with understanding and pity? Don't think so. Is it egotistical and judgmental of the family to hate or have ill feelings the DUI driver?

 

Rocks wife was drinking and taking medication, got behind the wheel with 3 children in the backseat, Then invited "friends" into the car for drinks and "passed out" while driving which lead into her running over Rock and the marriage.

 

If she is remorseful and telling the truth then she should press charges of rape against the OM. You cannot consent to sex when intoxicated and unable to respond.

 

This is true but I was reffering to the people who instantly jump on her lying and planning it. And if there isn't a difference between unplanned and premeditated why does our government make the distinction for murder. Both are bad, both are punished but one has stronger consequences.

She might not have planned it. And yes, that changes everything. If she didn't decide before being messed up to have sex then as the story is laid out she was raped. And rape as has been shared is not that easy to accuse someone of... Specially a year later. If this is true she needs help. She has been violated first physically (the talking before is no excuse) and then mentally (him telling her she asked for it). The BS here really needs to get her help even if he doesn't stay. She is the mother of his children.

[Mr. Lucky]

I went to a conference and had a few too many to drink in my friend's room. I went back to my room and someone knocked on my door. I saw it was a guy we had been drinking with (in my two friends' room) and I slammed the door on his face. He knocked again, I looked out the peep hole and saw him and my friends behind him. I opened the door thinking they all were coming in. Only he did. I told him three times I didn't want to do what he wanted to do. He didn't leave but held my arms down against my side. The next thing I knew I was on the bed with my pants off and I don't remember how I got there.

You have my sympathies, no one should have to go through what you've experienced.

 

But just like the OP's spouse, your situation occurred within a context of alcohol abuse. Drinking in a hotel room with strangers until you "don't remember" goes beyond poor judgment, there's a self-destructive surrender of control involved that people with better boundaries wouldn't cross.

 

Were you sexually assaulted? Yes. As your husband, would I assign you partial blame? Probably...

 

Me. Lucky

[KraftDinner]

You have my sympathies, no one should have to go through what you've experienced.

 

But just like the OP's spouse, your situation occurred within a context of alcohol abuse. Drinking in a hotel room with strangers until you "don't remember" goes beyond poor judgment, there's a self-destructive surrender of control involved that people with better boundaries wouldn't cross.

 

Were you sexually assaulted? Yes. As your husband, would I assign you partial blame? Probably...

 

Me. Lucky

 

No way. No how.

 

The alcohol defence is not valid for those committing the crime. But it IS for the victim.

 

Victim-blaming makes me sick. If I was walking down the street wearing anything other than a burqa, am I partly to blame?

 

I'm sorry, but NO to your post. Opening a door is not on any level remotely related to committing rape. That's DISGUSTING to suggest otherwise, shame on you.

 

Do you really want to live in a world where women won't even come anywhere near you unless accompanied by bodyguards? It was NOT katielee's fault.

 

And I'm really agreeing with BetrayedH here.

[katielee]

believe me, Mr. Lucky, I've gone back and forth as to my responsibility with this....

does it matter HOW drunk a person is so that they forget parts of a rape? I would have made the same decisions completely sober.

My therapist had me look at it this way - how much blame would you assign your 24 year old daughter had this happened to her? None. Plus I would have killed the guy.

People should be able to drink without being sexually assaulted.

[BetrayedH]

You have my sympathies, no one should have to go through what you've experienced.

 

But just like the OP's spouse, your situation occurred within a context of alcohol abuse. Drinking in a hotel room with strangers until you "don't remember" goes beyond poor judgment, there's a self-destructive surrender of control involved that people with better boundaries wouldn't cross.

 

Were you sexually assaulted? Yes. As your husband, would I assign you partial blame? Probably...

 

Me. Lucky

 

If she didn't consent to sex, it's not her fault. It's the perpetrator's fault.

 

Would I be disappointed that my wife was so drunk that she was incoherent? Sure. But then my brain cells would start functioning and let me know that she still didn't ask to be raped.

[whichwayisup]

People deserve second chances. Most BS's are willing to give that second chance to their cheating spouse especially if they are truly remorseful and willing to do everything required to fix themselves and put in 100% into the marriage.

 

Some people cannot forgive. And that's okay too. Not all forgive and want to stay with the person who cheated on them.

 

It gets more complicated obviously because of children, that in itself should be enough to give it your best and see how it goes, this way if things don't work out, at least they tried. To walk away without giving it your best could be something you'll regret one day, later in life.

 

Find another therapist if the one you went to didn't work out. Instead of focusing on whether or not to fix or save the marriage, deal with your own emotions and issues about this until you're ready to make a final decision.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[Spark1111]

date rape and sexual molestation unfortunately happens to 1 out 4 women.

 

hard to prove and the laws are still archaic in that the deck is stacked against a false accusation being made against an innocent man.

 

With that being said, I think the OP needs to search deep in his heart for what his real issues are.

 

for many partnered to a substance abuser, much of the passion can stem from trying to save them from themselves. it can be an ego booster to be the White Knight.

 

it is very common, once the addict sobers up, that the marriage disintegrates.

 

please examine that. I think the rape may be an excuse to walk away from a woman who is finally saving herself.

 

Or, all trust is gone for two reasons; the emotional affair, the date rape, and her addiction.

 

find a good counselor, one with expertise in all areas, and you work on you for now.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you really want to live in a world where women won't even come anywhere near you unless accompanied by bodyguards? It was NOT katielee's fault.

Agree 100% that the assault wasn't her fault, same as Rockwater's wife if her story is true. And as her husband, I wouldn't question her fidelity. But I would certainly have reservations about her judgement and self-control and the role they played in the incident.

My therapist had me look at it this way - how much blame would you assign your 24 year old daughter had this happened to her? None.

Nor would I blame my daughter. But I'm guessing you're not a teenager experimenting for the first time with alcohol and this isn't your first trip to the big city. The choices you made put you at serious risk. Forget to the point of blacking out - why is a married woman drinking and partying in a hotel room with strange men in the first place ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[drifter777]

If she didn't consent to sex, it's not her fault. It's the perpetrator's fault.

 

Would I be disappointed that my wife was so drunk that she was incoherent? Sure. But then my brain cells would start functioning and let me know that she still didn't ask to be raped.

 

I don't understand these kinds of posts. I mean, have all of us BS's forgotten how much a cheater will lie? And she is an addict to boot? I wouldn't believe a word she said about the incident, but that's just me.