2 weeks to closure.

[costablanca]

i made a mistake and lost the trust of my boyfriend about 3 years ago. since then we have been on and off and tried to make it work. ive worked my butt off to make it up to him and put up with a lot of crap in the process. other women, weekends away from home, going on holiday leaving me behind bla bla bla. ive accepted anything to make him happy. it got like my happiness depended on his. i lost all my confidence, self esteem and self respect. he finally broke up with me about 5 months ago telling me he wasnt in love anymore. im 37 and we were together 7 years. i was devastated but accepted his decision with grace.

i have felt to blame. it was my mistake that caused the end of me and him and im paying the price. the guilt has been terrible. kicking myself constantly, as well as dealing with the heartbreak and lonliness. the loss of him, my home, his family, my friends, spain, and my life really. (he was spanish and we lived there). its been pretty rough for this english rose.

my emotions have been all over the place trying to understand why he has let this go on for so long. and myself for that matter.

after i left i made the decision never to contact him, no matter how desparate i became.

unfortunatly, even after dumping me, he has continued the game. twice he has begged me to back, only to change his mind and hurt me all over again.

but from this hurt ive drawn strength. a lot of the pain has lifted. ive realized that ive paid enough. i did all i could and refuse to feel guilty anymore. i have accepted that we will never be and its time to move on. the future seems scary without him and i still miss him but ive spent enough time worrying about us. time to start thinking about number one instead of constantly thinking about him.

the games not over yet as in two weeks im making the journey from the uk to spain to get all my stuff. gonna be hard. but gotta be strong.

maybe then i will start to really move forward and leave these feelings of such sadness behind me. wasting time. i so want to be back to my old self again. normal and happy.

 

thanks for listening. tracy. xx

[williams]

Hang in there, I am sorry for this. I hope you will grow from this and keep smiling!