williams Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 I am hoping not to get any negative feelings from anyone. but here is the situation and I would just like some clearity on what is actually happening here. I am married first off and my husbands friend is a really good friend to both of us and we have always joked and flirted with each other, but not in a serious manner at least not on my part..just here in the past month we have had a lot of conversations with each other and my husband and I have been having a lot of problems to where I did ask for a divorce...now since then my friend has been great and very supportive..he hasn't came on to me or anything like that, but he has said that he would go out with me if I wasn't married and things like that and he asked me what I thought of him and I was honest and told him I thought he was great, yada yada. So, just the other night he said you know I would date you if you weren't with my friend and I don't want to be in the middle and I think your a great woman and when I asked you what you thought of me I was floored..especially coming from someone like you..and I said someone like me..what is that suppose to mean and I got no response and then he said you know if you ever need somewhere to stay or you need to talk I am here , but I don't want to be in the middle because you are both my friends, so I am just sitting there like what is all this...what is he saying? Link to post Share on other sites
mudobber Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 Originally posted by williams So, just the other night he said you know I would date you if you weren't with my friend and I don't want to be in the middle and I think your a great woman and when I asked you what you thought of me I was floored..especially coming from someone like you.. It is simply a compliment. Someone like you as in someone that he admires. Originally posted by williams and I said someone like me..what is that suppose to mean and I got no response One would hope that you weren’t genuinely confused but were fishing for more compliments. Originally posted by williams and then he said you know if you ever need somewhere to stay or you need to talk I am here , but I don't want to be in the middle because you are both my friends, so I am just sitting there like what is all this...what is he saying? He is saying that he is interested in you, but that the complications of the current situation is not a healthy environment to start a relationship. He is also expressing his willingness to go ahead and start an affair if you are game. And again he warns that it would be better if you were not married. It all sounds very strait forward. Just go with he basic English that he is using and don’t add anything to it. The rest of this may not be pertinent, but if I may add… You have to think for yourself, and know that good intentions are one thing, yet being in a relationship is another. Would he really be able to be in a relationship with you? It is quite obvious that he wants to start a sexual relationship with you. But before you imbibe in such, remember that you can hurt lots of people here. For instance, this thing that you describe is already an affair. If your husband knew of it, it would hurt him. And if you shut this admirer of your down, that might hurt his feelings as well. Be careful about getting yourself in a pinch. You may change your mind about your husband and a sexual relationship with this admirer could really put a spin on your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author williams Posted September 25, 2004 Author Share Posted September 25, 2004 I appreciate your insight and I agree, I guess when you are actually in the situation you don't see things as you should because you find it so hard to believe..I guess I wouldn't think it that he would be interested in a sexual relationship because it seems like he really cares for me and if I ever ask him about a girl that he may have went out with he will deny it like he doesn't want me to think anything negative of him...I just wanted some input to help verify what I really thought he was trying to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author williams Posted September 25, 2004 Author Share Posted September 25, 2004 so what is the smart thing to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 What Mudobber said, except with more profanity thrown in there. Either you're going to f*ck him, or you're not. What's it going to be? Divorce your husband, then figure out what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author williams Posted September 25, 2004 Author Share Posted September 25, 2004 thats not it...it isn't about F**** him, he is a great person, that is not at all the case..he is around us a lot so I am trying to figure out how to handle it to not be uncomfortable, if that is fact what he is stating. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 Williams, I think if anyone has cause to feel "uncomfortable," it should be your husband. Is this guy your buddy or his? With so-called "friends" like this, who needs enemies? I'm assuming if your marriage were a happy one, your first instincts would have been your husband's welfare. You may have warned him already that his "friend" was a wolf in sheep's clothing and alerted him to his buddy's motives. I too have been in this situation with a mutual acquaintance, but he was more of a "friend" to my husband than me. My first response (after the initial shock) was to throw him out of my home and inform my husband that he needed to be cautious about who he chose to call a "friend." I don't know all the details about the relationship between you and your husband, but your complacent reaction to this situation leads me to believe you are either flattered by this man's attention or so unhappy in your marriage that you may be contemplating the possibilities. I also wonder if you may have been confiding personal information with this man in regards to your marital woes instead of confiding in your husband? Doing this will usually lead someone to believe that you are open and vulnerable. It will also destroy whatever's left of the bond, or "emotional intimacy", between you and your husband if you shift your trust and attention away from your spouse and begin leaning too heavily on an outside third party for the acceptance and support that you need. If your marriage is worth saving, then bounce the friend out before it's too late and seek counseling with your husband. If you decide it's no longer worth the time and the effort, then find the courage to exit and spend some "alone time" before clinging to the next Casanova who comes along. Either way, I don't think this "friend" is the best possible candidate for you. Already his actions (sweet words and jesters aside) speak volumes about his character. Personally, I wouldn't trust him. Not around me OR my family. He's a snake in the grass. Be careful! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 Originally posted by williams thats not it...it isn't about F**** him, he is a great person, that is not at all the case..he is around us a lot so I am trying to figure out how to handle it to not be uncomfortable, if that is fact what he is stating. I don't understand, are you getting the divorce? If you're not, you shouldn't hang around him after he's expressed sexual interest. Unless you're planning an affair. Why tempt yourself when your relationship is already unhappy? Link to post Share on other sites
Crux- Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 I am with EnigmaXOXO.. Curb this guy... Link to post Share on other sites
mudobber Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 This may be off topic, but if I may ask… You say that you have asked for a divorce. Are you sure what you want? Can the differences with your husband be worked out? I apologize in advance, but I must disagree with the famous Dr. Spock. Your admirer showed a weakness by betraying a friend, but that does not make him a wolf. In this case, you can overlook his weakness because you are not interested in starting an affair with him. In regards to your admirer, you ask “What is the smart thing to do?” If I may suggest to you… just a little tweak in the relationship by clearly communicating to him that you are flattered by his interest, that you value his friendship, and that you don’t want to poison that friendship by starting an affair with him. There is no reason to feel uncomfortable. Just be prepared to fend off his heavier come-ons. Do it gently, but firmly. You will keep his respect that way. He may get his feelings hurt, and he may act angry. Pay no mind to that, he will get over it and you can go on being friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author williams Posted October 5, 2004 Author Share Posted October 5, 2004 I agree with all of you...he hasn't called us or come over in about a week , so I am guessing that either he feels uncomfortable or he is just avoiding my husband for whatever reason. It is a bit unusual because he would always call or come over at least once a week. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 Originally posted by williams we have always joked and flirted with each other, but not in a serious manner at least not on my part.. just here in the past month we have had a lot of conversations with each other and my husband and I have been having a lot of problems to where I did ask for a divorce...now since then my friend has been great and very supportive..he hasn't came on to me or anything like that, but he has said that he would go out with me if I wasn't married... then he said you know if you ever need somewhere to stay or you need to talk I am here , but I don't want to be in the middle because you are both my friends, so I am just sitting there like what is all this...what is he saying? well coming from a mans point of view......knowing that males are very sexually mined...meaning we think of sex all the time....its just the way our brain is wired I guess. Anyway....this guy has flirted with you in the past......you told him you are having problems.....and now he comforts you and says you could stay over if you needed a place to stay. What he is saying is he is sexually attrached to you and wants to be with in that way...but because he is friends with your husband, and he feels a little bad about this. So he knows he cant go right out and tell ya......so in a males way of getting what he wants, he is opening the door for YOU to decide. I bet if you reciprocated and made an advance, he would do it in a minute.....he may still feel bad because he is friends wiht hubby.....but the sexual wants of a male may very well think its OK...because YOU came to him. THink about it...you tell him your having problems in your marriage..and he tells you he would go out with you...... But first things first....you have talks of divorce......that in itself needs to be addressed.....if I were you, I would concentrate on what you want out of your marriage FIRST.....and never ever, play with mutual friends....EVER....way too much hurt will be involved.....its just not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 I guess what I'm saying is. if your value your friendship with him....then be cautious of his comforting ear.....cause I'm telling ya....even though he is giving you the support that you need and like, he is also throwing hints at ya......just dont bite the hook..... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts