when starting NC do you inform them or just fall off the face of the earth?? plz help

[kalari26267]

Well to make a long drawn out story short, Ex and I broke it off end of July. We still hung out and basically were still "together" up until 3 wks. ago. (last time we had sex). He put in a NC for 3 months. that has been broken by both of us. I love him and want to work things out and for us to get back together. He says he loves me but isn't "in" love with me. Which is probably true. He also is only 24 yrs. old and I am 29. He is very mature for his age in some aspects and lacking in others. Well we went to breakfast the other morning (he called me and asked me too). I played it cool just like I did on the 2 phone calls we had prior to our breakfast meeting. I basically am letting him know that everything if fine and I am moving on. Basically that I don't need or want a relationship with anyone at this time. I told him I want a friendship with him and want to remain close to him. I know I am being deceiving because in all reality I do want him back as my significant other more than anything.

 

Well I have asked him to do a few things with me and everytime I ask he says he is busy or has plans. Which I know isn't true do to the fact I read something yesterday of his that said he was free this weekend to a certain woman he is talking too. So basically he doesn't want to hang out with me I guess.??? He is basically ignoring me now again. We actually were both in the same place last night at a casino. For different reasons though. I thought he would come and say hi to me since he knew I was going to be there and he never did . So my question for everyone is this: I want to be the one to start the NC, and actually stick to it. Meaning no nothing from him even if he does contact me. I want him to miss me. Is it a proven fact that if you had feelings for someone, that if you dont talk to them, they will start missing you or is that just what people say...does the saying the heart grows fonder with absence ring true or does the saying out of sight out of minde stand true?? He is talking to this girl in England. He tells me that she isn't his type and he just likes talking to her, but I have read things he has wrote to her like this is one hugs, kisses, and a WHOLE lot more (if you want it ) so to me that doesnt sound just like a platonic thing.? who knows though!

 

Well do I email him one last time and let him know that i am starting a Nc or do I just all of a sudden not talk or anything to him? Which one will have the most impact and make him miss me (that is if he is going too). Please help me, I have been brokenhearted over this for months now. I am doing better and starting to function but I do miss him soo much and believe he is the one for me.thanks!

[lost_in_chgo]

just go quiet.

 

No ultimatums.

Just be too busy.

Return calls, but not right away.

 

You want to look like you have better things to do with your time.

[weweregods]

I agree completely with the last post

[kalari26267]

does this honestly work? I guess my biggest fear is that he won't care and won't miss me. Is it proven that in most cases he will? I just feel like he has replaced me with all of these other girls he is now talking too. He isn't really dating any of them, but he talks to them on a daily or every other day basis. So could it be that I have been replaced? So no email saying I am through with him then huh? Okay...well keep your fingers crossed and I hope this works.

[SoleMate]

So basically he doesn't want to hang out with me I guess.???

You guess right.

 

does NC honestly work?

Yes, if done right, following the rules to a T, it is guaranteed to achieve its only proper goal, which is to cure the pain of your broken relationship. Either you get back together, or the extended, correctly performed NC causes you to develop new interests (romantic or non-romantic) which overshadow the ex's memory.

 

I guess my biggest fear is that he won't care and won't miss me.

Yes, that is quite likely. But what is your alternative? Hanging around him, getting more desperate and jealous, losing your own self-respect, begging for love and attention for someone who only feeds you scraps?

 

Classic NC is performed unannounced. See how it would be silly otherwise? The whole point is that you cut off contact with him, TOTALLY. Even sending him an email to announce your new policy would violate the rules.

[kalari26267]

Yeah, I guess you are right soulmate...it would be silly to tell him i am not going to contact him wouldn't it...lol. Well I just don't understand why for the past 7 months he has told me that he wants me in his life and wants to remain close to me but yet doesnt ever want to hang out anymore with me.? That boggles me. So if he does contact me and wants to hang out do I accept or decline..I really would want to hang out with him....but what would be the best thing to do? I am not naive at all just new to all of this..I was in a 10 yr. relationship b4 I met this man and so I don't have much practice at all this "stuff". I know he will be contacting me shortly due to the fact I have a movie that needs to be returned of his to the video store. I haven't taken it back for him, i guess I figured it was a way to see him one last time by making him come and get it..I know sounds pathetic doesn't it...but I take what i can get...

[Crux-]

I feel for your situation, but here's the kick. YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL REPLACEABLE.

Try to make your self busy go outwith freinds and make new ones. It's hard because of the void in your life but be strong --at least thats what iI am doing-

[SoleMate]

I just don't understand why for the past 7 months he has told me that he wants me in his life and wants to remain close to me but yet doesnt ever want to hang out anymore with me.?

You're wondering why his WORDS are contracdicted by his ACTIONS? Well...ite happens sometimes, with some people. Don't bother with the reason...just be aware that actions are what count, and his actions are clearly sending the message that he does not have time for you. So...time for you to decide that you don't have time for him either.

[weweregods]

1) Don't talk to him. Return calls if necessary, but don't stay on the phone long and always be the first to hang up. You shouldn't try contacting him on your own for at least a month.

 

2) Act Happy - all the time. Keep busy.

 

3) Fake Indifference.

 

4) Agree with everything that he says. If he says that he wants to be just friends, agree with him... Agree with him 100% and blame yourself for anything that went wrong.

 

Does this work? Well, ask yourself this: will not doing this - begging, pleading, guilt-tripping - will that work?

[kalari26267]

your right. I have been desparate. I also have been angry and have said some pretty cruel and hurtful things to him...like petrify in hell...and some other cruel things. He says he is still irritated by these statements. Which I guess I would be too. Even though at the time I meant them out of anger I don't anymore. So if he does want to hang out should I? Then just act all kinds of happy like stated in reply? I don't want to be replaceable and feel that I can't be, but on the other hand I guess he is doing it isn't he. The hard part in all of this is I don't really have anyone to help take my mind off of him and things. I don't have ANY family at all..parents are gone and no siblings. I don't have hardly any friends due to the 10 yr relationship i was in and also because of the man in question. I devoted the past 8 months to him and pretty much lost touch with all my friends and they all now live far away from me so hard to hang out with them. I am trying to move on and date (have been out on dates but just not really into it since I know my heart and mind belong to my ex). I am trying to be strong but on the verge of wanting to contact him, i know he is home because he is online at this moment..this is a lot harder than I thought it would be and it hasn't even been a day yet. I guess i just want to know what the big secret is to winning someone back..???

[backspn]

I've always said that actions not words show that she cares. Some days she will seem interested and some she wont. All I know is that I am missing her less and I am feeling better. Do I still want it to work out? Yep. Can I wait around for it? Nope. The thing that the exes dont realize...maybe cause of ignorance...is that THEY might never get another chance. The new way I am looking at this now is the I decide if we get back together...not her!! She lost control of this relationship when she left me. I am now in control and IF I dont want to talk with her one night...I DONT. Simple. Put the control where it really belongs....in your court.

[drinana]

Hey kalari2627... I can totally understand where you're coming from.. My ex an I broke up in July (he's 24 - Im 26)... he has been e-mailing me and recently asked me to meet me for lunch... well i wrote back yes the other day but now I've changed my mind.. Like backspn said, you gotta take control.. you've let him have the control for way too long.. he made the decision for NC last time.. now it's your turn.. don't keep letting this guy have an influence on your life... how are you each supposed to move on if you keep contacting one another???? you really need to sit and think (maybe even write out a list) of the pro's and con's of being with this guy... i mean if he did really love you and respect you then he wouldn't be playing these games...

 

well best of luck to you... :-)

[kalari26267]

Thanks back...your right. The hard part about it is up until 3 wks ago his actions said something totally different than his words. He said he didn't want me as a significant other anymore but yet his actions said something totally different (not just talking about sex). The one thing i can think of is that maybe HE is scared to start hanging out with me again because he still has feelings for me and don't know if he can control himself around me...???or maybe i am just wishful thinking...lol. In the past when we said just friends he was the one to initiate all the conduct that was more than just friends...I am the type of person that I could probably be just friends with him but I can't go from being in love with him to just friends unless we start hanging out as just friends...I am weird that way but that is how i work and i know it... So by him not hanging out with me to start to build a platonic relationship he is only prolonging the fact that I still very much want a romantic relationship with him...maybe I am just hopeless and confused...who knows...but thank you everyone for replying so far it is helping me get the strength I need to just leave him alone...i haven't tried to contact him today and that is a first... so maybe there is hope for me yet!!

[weweregods]

kalari26267, sweetie, I am currently going through the same thing that you are and let me tell you: it sucks! But, you have got to be the person that he fell in love with if you want him to come back. You HAVE to be happy. He doesn’t want to be responsible for your happiness, and he never should have been in the first place! You should have tons of friends - this isn’t his or the relationship’s fault. I’m not saying that I don’t understand, I was there just a short time ago, but the blame game never works! The more wrong you make him or the relationship, the more wrong it will all get. If you don’t have friends, go out and make some. If you need hobbies, join some groups and get some new interests. You have to learn that you don’t need him. The more you tell him that you want something different than he does, the more he will battle you on it. So do this, don’t give him anything to argue about. Make him feel good about you by feeling good about yourself. Look, you can see this two ways: 1) My life is over, it is meaningless without him - oh, poor me, I’m all alone (which will NEVER get him back and will only make the two of you act more negative), or 2) This is GREAT! I can go anywhere and do anything I want. I can improve myself! I can start over! Like it or not, the relationship that you had is dead - give up on it. Now, I am not saying you have to give up all hope of getting him back - in fact, that is the exact opposite of what I want you to do. Think of it this way, did you act like this when you two met? He said he lost the spark? Well, it’s because you both changed, and if you want it back, you’re going to have to change back - reset the clock, change the rules. Think about it: you weren’t acting like this (complaining, needy, hurtful, ect.) when the two of you met. Why are you acting this way now? Do you think it is going to make it better?

 

Stop worrying about him missing you! Anxiety is an emotion and you are incharge of your emotions. You need to stop following your feelings. Feelings are like children - yes, you love them dearly (and that is correct), but would you give a five year-old your checkbook and tell him to take care of your finances? Of course you wouldn’t, so why are you giving your feelings control of your life? Why do you let them make you feel anything they want? What do you want to feel? You want to feel happy? Then act happy. Think ‘Oh my God!, I’m so happy!!’ Is this being true to your feelings? No, and a lot of people will whine and cry that you are in denial, ect. But look at it this way: think about that poor SOB that is always complaining about what he ‘deserves’ and never gets - he’s following his feelings, he’s being true to them and what is he getting from it? You want to change your feelings? It’s as simple as this: change your thoughts - that will change your feelings, which will change your behaviors.

 

So what if he finds someone new? That is a rebound relationship. Often times when we get into rebound relationships, we do it simply because the person we are getting involved with is nothing like our ex. And, you have already proven that you were good for him. You too were happy together. Let him follow his emotions... He’ll come back once he realizes that doing so will NEVER make him happy. He wants someone to make him happy. He is glamorizing his position. He thinks, ‘the love just isn’t there, and there is nothing I can do about it.’ And, he’s wrong - dead wrong! But don’t get too high and mighty - you’re doing the same thing, just feeling the reverse. So, stop it and watch him come back to you!

[weweregods]

If you are wondering why his words don't fit his actions, here is the explaination: he is immature. Immature people don't know what they want, they whine about what they don't think they have and ignore everything that they do have. I agree with SoleMate - this happens all the time with people, immature people. So, what do you do? Well, you learn to be mature. You have to learn to be confident! And don't fall into that trap, the one that says that the way to be confident is to be competative and petty. This is NOT being mature. If I say to an immature person, 'I don't like the way you dress.' An Immture person responds, 'Oh, yeah! Well you look like a bum!' A mature person responds to the same question by saying, 'That's OK, I like how I dress and that is all that counts. Thanks for your opinion though.'

 

I know what you are going through... I really do. My exs actions and words don't match either. One day he says he loves me, the next he wants to just be friends... But, I realize because - the same as your boyfriend - he loves me, but he is being immature and following his feelings. If I want him back, if I want him to be mature, I have to lead by example. Take heart. As a Buddhist says, 'Look at this with a beginers mind.'

[kalari26267]

thank you weweregods...I appreciate your advice and I am going to try my darndest to follow it. I haven't contacted him today and kept busy. The problem with meeting new people is that i don't really have a lot of time to go out and join clubs or meet people. I go to school, which I could meet people there but people usually keep to themselves I am learning. I work nights and then come home and do homework. I have kids so I spend my weekends and free time with them since I am sooo busy with school and work during the week I dont' see them a whole lot. I guess it just boils down to the fact of what I already know, he has moved on and is probably over me. He probably doesnt' care one way or the other like i do if we are still friends after a 8 month relationship. Not very long, but his longest has only been 11 months so I am his second longest. I just am scared to walk away because it could very well be for good. I don't want that. But I don't want to be pathetic either. I guess I can just expect the worst and hope and pray for the best right and that would be he will miss me and realize he needs and wants me in his life. Well again thank you everyone for your insight it is helping me

[shellen]

hmmmm my ex is another contradicting immature male...he is 27 tis yr already...

he said he loves me, wants to be with me and go through everything to for us to be together...

but...no action done..all words...

so i can totally understand how u feel...

they raise hopes..false hopes...

and make u wanna give them a chance again..

but that's not what they reallie want...

i dunno what they hope to acheive by saying such things...string us along maybe

sigghh...

[kalari26267]

Yeah, Shellen I agree. I don't know what they want from us? I don't even think they know what they want. What is hard though is we had a really good relationship. He says he has "issues" with me that makes me NOT the one he wants to marry or have for a life-long partner. The bad part is he won't really tell me what those "issues" are because he says he doesn't want to hurt my feelings,insult, or put me down. I know a few of them like I smoke and he doesnt want his wife to smoke which I can quit and will quit. Other issues he says has to do with my personality and so on. Like I told him, we were friends for 2 months or so (hung out 24/7) so he knew me way before we even got involved so why would he even start a relationship with me if he knew I wasn't what he wanted out of life?? But yet, he says he loves me and adores me. So who knows...well i did it everyone NC since Friday night..yeah..not a huge accomplishment but it is a start right...It is hard though because I want to talk to him ..but I know I can't.

[shellen]

well..sometimes the attraction is too strong and u just wanna dive into it even though you know it is not right for u...

maybe he hoped along the way somehow the issues that were not favorable will get resolved...

i went into a relationship w my ex even tho i knew right from the start my family will object...

so maybe he thought he can somehow get over the issues he had w u...

and after some time he find that it's not happening and decides to bail out? i dunno..

dats wat happen to my ex..after 2 yrs he feels that our relationship cannot advance further because i was still unsure abt conversion to his religion and my parents continued to be a problem..so he bailed out when he met someone else...

we were v happy together and i never met anyone that i cld connect as well w him...

he felt that i was someone that he wanted to marry...except the religion thing was an obstacle...

after we broke i wanted to remain friends so we never had no contact until i found out he was seeing someone else, it became difficult to cont the friendship coz i realized i still love him a lot...

then i tried asking him back but he did not want to break up w the other ger, tho all this while he maintained contact w me behind his gf's back and definitely did not treat me just like a friend...tho some friends tell me it;s just all an act so that it look like he dumped be because of religion reasons and not because he had a change of heart...i dunno...

but i let this matter drag on for more than a yr which is really bad...i din learn abt no contact until 6 mths after we broke up..but i guess even if i learnt abt it earlier i may not have the strength to do it..

finally after a yr when i had the courage and strength to pull the plug, i told him not to contact me anymore becuase i did not want a friendship..

he continued to contact me and told me he loves me and wants to be with me...

since this was the first time he directly admitted his feelings for me i made a u-turn and wanted to give us a chance..

but after 2 weeks of saying that...things have not changed much

i just feel even if they din noe what they want they should not drag us down...

or maybe we should not allow them to drag us down..

but i noe it;s easier said than done esp when u noe u may never find another perosn that can connect in such an amazing way w u again...

i just hope urs will not drag on like mine did...and it's entirely possible for them to tell u they love u but they dun mean anything mroe than just words...

but yea..give it a last shot...like i did...and if it does work out..u walk away with no regrets...

 

good luck!!

[shellen]

sorry double posted...

[weweregods]

Well sweetie, you are half-way there... But you are STILL following your emotions. Humans make mistakes... Mistakes can be corrected. I never said he had moved on or is over you. As a matter of fact, I know he isn't. You are still being a pessimist. STOP IT! NOW! Think that there is no hope is irrational. He met you and fell in love in the first place, so it can happen again. If his longest relationship was 11 months, what makes you think his next relationship will last any longer. He is immature, and if you want him to mature, you'll have to show him how - and whining and excusing yourself won't cut it.

 

Sweetie, I am sorry to have to be so harsh but you are whiny... You are whining again and again. Why do you keep telling yourself what you can't do? Excuse #1 - I can't go out, I have kids (well, enjoy your kids more), Excuse #2 - I work nights (and I suppose you have no customers, no phone calls, no coworkers), Excuse #3 - I can hope and pray (hoping and praying won't get him back - what you are saying is that you believe in magic), Excuse #4 - I go to school and I could meet people there - but I don't want to is what you are saying.

 

How much could you do, how much could you accomplish is you STOP spending all this time excusing yourself and start doing something to get your life together and get your ex back. Prove to him that you are a new person. I'm sorry honey, but I don't feel sorry for you - you are doing a good enough job of that yourself.

[kalari26267]

your right. I am feeling sorry for myself. Due to the hand I was dealt in life...I guess my philosophy should be if life gives you oranges make ornage juice huh...lol. The thing is I am pretty confident he is over me. If he wasn't why wouldn't he call or try to hang out with me? He never was IN love with me and that was one of our huge problems. He loves me but not in love with me...So that is why I am such a pessimist when it comes to this. If he was in love with me at one time, then yeah I would have high hopes but since he SAYS he wasn't then I am kinda on edge about it. Well I went to church this morning and really enjoyed it. I am going to start involving myself in church and church functions to try and make a change in myself and also use it as a way of meeting people and keeping myself busy. He still hasn't called or tried to get in touch with me and it has been only 2 days but still we usually talk everyday at least once either by email,phone, or text...so who knows. well thanks again everyone for reading and giving me strategies to use to help either win him back or get over him I do appreciate it!

[weweregods]

You're absolutely right! He is over you... He doesn't love you and he never did. You're situation is hopeless. I am sorry for all the bad advice I had given you. You are too busy to meet new people. You should just pray to be over all this. Sorry that I couldn't be of more help.

[kalari26267]

I wasn't asking for you to be rude weweregods! I don't need your rudeness. I was thanking you for your advice and your help. I am in a situatuoin that I DON'T know HOW to handle or what to do, so I am asking people for their advice and their opinions! If you want to be rude then no I don't want your help. I am hurting and confused! It has been 3 days now with NC, I guess I am just bewildered that he can just walk away from me with no regrets and just be a jerk basically. That is WHY I say he doesn't love me and probably never did because I know when I love someone I can't just turn my back on them and walk away...Well again, wewereGods, I was thanking you for your advice and I am trying to follow it, but if you are going to be rude and condescending then please don't bother answering anymore! Thank you everyone else who has wrote with words of encouragement and not insulting me for being heartbroken!

[weweregods]

You're right, I was being rude. I apologize... BUT, now do you see how easy it is to get you to feel less hopeless? I was just agreeing with you... And by agreeing with you, I got you to stand up for yourself and stop pouting. Now, you need to do the same thing to your ex.

 

Good Luck!