when starting NC do you inform them or just fall off the face of the earth?? plz help

[kalari26267]

You are right. I do need to stand up for myself! The only problem is I don't think he cares! Not pouting or whining just stating what I see as fact. If he did care, he would have contacted me by now. Hard to stand up to someone or something when they have no emotion or feelings towards you. I guess now i am in the anger phase..I am now angry with my ex for doing this to me. I feel like i have been lead on for the past 7-8 months! He basically is turning me into a cold hearted woman, I am not gonna want to try to find someone new if this is how it always ends. I know that not all situations end this way, but a lot do obviously or we wouldn't have a site to complain about it..Now I just want to contact him and tell him what a piece of crap (other words,but I will be nice )he is and who the *#@% does he think he is for treating me this way...So now I am just plain angry the pain is turning into anger and hatred for him...I would love to take revenge some way on him, but I know that isn't going to solve anything and just makes matters worse but it feels good to at least think about it...lmao

[backspn]

Immature people don't know what they want, they whine about what they don't think they have and ignore everything that they do have.

 

You are SO right! This explains my ex to a T. It may be that she does love me or not.....its that she has no idea at all.....right? This makes sense....you always seem to shut out the people that matter most to you when you have no clue. The problem I have is that I am not a doormat...for anyone. I guess that I am now just seeing this. I hate that it has to end like this though....wish I could tell her.

[shellen]

Sometimes I reallie hate my ex too! He has led me on for more than a yr and I tell u he has intentions of doing it for a long time..forever maybe. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and I want to trust the words he say....but of course once bitten twice shy....for me it I had to be bitten many many times lol...

 

But feeling anger is not gd....indifference is what I hope to achieve...

[weweregods]

I guess that I am now just seeing this. I hate that it has to end like this though....wish I could tell her.

 

Don't worry about it backspn. Hindsight is 20/20. What you need to do is let go of all that guilt. There is no such thing as closure and 'moving on' is psychobable made for Ricki Lake and Dr. Laura. When you 'move' anywhere, you take bags and when you 'move on' emotionally, you take emotional baggage - it is the expectation that YOU don't have to change, all you need to do is change your surroundings (this of course is incorrect). The problem is that so many people believe it. We live in an age of whiners, my friend. But true emotional growth comes from letting go - not giving up or moving on. Let go of the person you used to be: that needy, clingy, doormat. Let go, and watch your relationship with your ex get better. Watch her come back to you! Put yourself in control of the relationship! Put yourself in control of your emotions! Don't think of this as an ending, think of it as a new beginning... She can still suprise you, friend! AND, more importantly, you can suprise yourself! Don't worry about telling her all of this, show her instead. Show her how happy you can be on her own. Show her that you don't need her, you want her - and that's perfectly OK! I want a porche, but I can live without it - it's a want, not a need. If I had one, I would love it everyday, I would cherish it. But, I don't have one and I don't think about not having one every day. If I had one and I lost it, I would be sad, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I'd just try to get my old one back - to have it fixed, painted, or taken back from the thieves that took it. And, if all of that failed, I would just try to get a new porche. And, if at some future date, I got the old porche back, so much the better!! I win, no matter what because I wanted instead of needed.

[backspn]

She called me last night and before I answered it I told myself it would be short. She started by telling me she couldnt talk long cause her roommate was sleeping and the we talked about her day and about her bday party at her house and our weekends but it was mostly about her. She then told me that she was really tired and I told her that she should probably go to sleep then. I told her that I would talk to her later and to have a good night....but she had to get the last word in and say that she had better go to sleep now.....didnt I just say that? Hehe. Why did she have to get in that last comment? To give her control of the situation? Funny. I dont even think women know that they do it....they just do it. I thought I handled it pretty well...I was the first to end the phone call even though she said she had to go. I felt like I took control of the situation.....which probably leaves women scratching their heads after....am I right? Any suggestions about the next time she calls? Should I answer it and when should I? I didnt want to play games but I guess its come down to it. And thanks weweregods....I really do WANT her...not so much I need her anymore...but I really do want her. Any suggestions would be great.

 

BTW...I hope everyone is having a good day today.....better than the previous I hope.

[weweregods]

Well, the next time she calls, treat her like you would any other friend. Continue to be happy, continue to be indifferent. Continue not to care. Stop talking about the next time you'll hear from her. That is a test. She's testing you to see if you will revert back to the same needy person that she knew... And she wants you to fall for it. She wants to be right. So don't let her be right about you. Agree with her, but start proving her wrong!

[backspn]

So what your saying is to just let her call all the time? Seem like I am with my other friends that ONLY call me every few weeks? Do I not make any contact with her for a while and let her make all the moves? Right now she doesnt seem to really miss talking to me otherwise she would call more....how do I get her to want to call me? Being indifferent will get her attention? If I dont give her my attention anymore will she want it again...or miss it? I'm afraid that she doesnt really miss anything about me right now....and Im not being needy or clingy. I dont call her or text her....I just wait til she calls me. I guess what Im looking for is a chance for her to want to talk to me like she used to.....do you think that is possible? I just find it so hard to believe that I was her everything for the last 3 yrs and now she doesnt even miss me slightly........

[weweregods]

Yes, you should just wait for her to call you... If you aren't waiting, you are being needy, and that is pushing her away. How can she miss you when you don't give her a chance? You can't miss someone you talk to everyday, it's not possible. It is difficult even to miss someone when you talk to them every week. So, how do you get her to want to call - limit your contact. Don't call till she calls you. Don't write her or e-mail her either. Wait for at least a month before you try to contact her on your own. When you do, stick to making small talk. Don't initiate any conversation about the relationship! If she brings it up, agree with her and take the blame - then just be quite about it, drop the subject. This will make her forget about the bad stuff, because you have!

[kalari26267]

Well I broke down today and contacted my ex.He was over at his friends house that I am friends with too. So I stopped by there to say hi to him and my other friends that were there. also to return the movie I have had of his that was due back like 6 wks ago. I didn't really talk to him and talked with my other two friends there. I was not cold but just not overly friendly...so he came into the kitchen where we were all talking and bumped up against me on purpose i just smiled and said sure just knock me over... didnt' really try to talk to him though...he left back to schoool and I stayed and talked with my other friend there for a little while. I then called him (I know shouldn't have but I miss him sooo much) I had won tickets to a concert that was here in town at noon..asked if he wanted to go..he of course said No, he told me he would go but he is sick and that he has a lot of homework to do...so I said okay well don't be a stranger he said he would call me one of these days to go and hang out...whatever that means..??...I have used that statement when I don't plan on doing something so who knows if it is the same for everyone...I just don't understand, when he was the one that stressed wanting to stay close and remain the best of friends even after we broke up and now he is the one that doesn't want to be around me...??...i just don't understand..I guess my 5 days of nc have been blown to bits but it felt good to let him see me happy and lookin good...even my other friends right in front of him commented on how good I look.....so that made me feel good..my friend last night told me something and who knows if it is true or not..he told me that he isn't over me because if he is talking to a crap load of girls and doing stuff with people means he isnt over me..he said he is doing this so he doesn't have to sit and think about me?? who knows if that is true.? I always thought the opposite, when someone is dating and talking to a lot of other people that they are over thier ex...but maybe not..he said that if he was over me totally that he wouldn't be looking for someone to occupy his time, that everyone knows you find someone or something when your NOT looking...well I am sorry for breaking the nc but I am kinda glad I did...just wish that things could go back to being good between us where we could hang out and talk as friends again...but I guess he has different plans in life...??

[kalari26267]

Well just wanted to give everyone the 411 on what happened today. I told you all that I broke down and contacted my ex yesterday. I also wrote and email and sent him back some of his own emails so he could read his own words. I woke up to my phone ringing this moring it was him. We talked for about a half and hour then I let him go..He contacted me a few hours later because I had asked him if he wanted to go eat breakfast together.he said no, but after he was done with school he wanted to hang out. So we met to go to the matinee movie but it was closed so he wanted to come to my house..so we did. then we left from my house to go get lunch..we talked and joked. I was indifferent and just acted like he was just a friend and always had been. We got back to my house and I figured he would leave after lunch. He didn't. he stayed and wanted to watch a movie together. So we did. when I was getting ready to sit down he was like "come here" I said "what? He grabbed my hand and pulled me down on him and started holding me and hugging me. I pulled away from him after about a minute and got up. he then did this again...the whole time we were watching the movie he kept touching me and tickling me...then when I was getting ready to go downstairs to get ready for work, he got up and started hugging me...told me I am such a punk..lol. in a joking matter. I was like "why am I a punk?" he was like you just are...he was staring into my eyes and I think about to kiss me when I pulled away. told him I had to get ready for work. after I got ready for work he continued with the touchy feely routine of tickling me..lol. then as we were saying good bye he hugged me and said please don't expect me to hangout with you all the time..I told him I didn't. I am NOT his girlfriend anymore and don't expect all his time just a piece of it like any other friend would want... He did tell me about some of the girls he has been talking too. He says he enjoys dating but isn't getting serious with anyone. Said he has a date tomorrow night with some girl who is cooking him dinner...(don't like that idea...lol) but he also says that they both agree that they don't have a future together. I asked where he met her..he said he wouldn't tell me that...who knows why?

well I am just curious WHY he behaved this way? I mean I want to think he just misses me tremendously but that could be wishful thinking. also does it sound like i am playing my cards right by the way I am acting?? I don't want to give myself false hope but also don't understand why he can't keep his hands off of me. I feel like we are back in grade school...also can't figure out why he refered to me as a punk..maybe beacause I still hold his heart...don't know...hope so but who knows..so please give me some advice and let me know if what I am thinking that there is still hope could be true...or is he just messing with my head and emotions agian? thanks everyone!

[crazydawg]

i think if u continue contacting him. u will get hurt.

[weweregods]

I disagree with the previous post. You won't get hurt, unless you allow yourself to get hurt. There is an old Navajo saying: "A ma without pride cannot have his pride hurt." Swallow your pride. Have a different kind of pride, an inner-light. I think that you are on the right track. Push him away a bit. He will enjoy chasing you for a change. He called you a "punk" because you are not acting like the push-over he though you were. You aren't fawning all over him, and it is driving him crazy. Don't be jealous - that is what he wants to do to you. He wants you to be green with envy and swimming in self-pity over having lost him. Treat him as if you are glad to have the chance to explore life without him. You would perfer to be with him, but if he doesn't want that, then be happy to go on your merry way - and that will draw him to you!

[kalari26267]

I agree with actually both posts. I know that if I keep contacting him and wanting a romantic relationship with him I will get hurt. I also think that weweregods is right and that is basically what I was thinking...I still love this man very much. I still want to be with him, but not quite as much. Maybe I am fooling myself by the latter statement but I have started opening doors and looking for happiness in other areas. I am starting to go back to church which I love and have found some peace within myself again and this past week hasnt' been that bad..it has been hard, but yesterday proved to me that he does still care a lot about me and a lot more than just friendship by him being all lovey dovey and touchy feely...so I still have hope we will reunite, but then again when he finally decides to pull his head out of his butt...lol.. maybe I will be the one telling him no I don't want a future with you...I am happy that maybe we will at least have a valuable and strong friendship if nothing else...

[kalari26267]

Well just to let you know that maybe I dont' have a clue what i am talking about....lol...We went to lunch together again on Friday. Had a really good time. He told me that he was going to have dinner made for him by a girl that was just a friend. That they both agreed that they didn't have a future together. Well I talked to him today (monday) told me he is dating her..that they don't have a future together but that they are dating and that they did kiss on Friday. He told me he stayed at her house but that they didn't sleep together. Well I guess I was wrong when I said that maybe he still wanted to be with me! Obviously not, since he has moved on and is now starting to actually date where there is physical contact involved..I guess maybe trying to stay friends isn't such a great idea..Because let me tell ya..my heart is back to being shredded again! All I can picture is him kissing this other girl and cuddling with her in my mind and it makes me sick inside..So now i really don't know what to do...I guess I should have known this would happen, just didn't think it would hurt and hit me this hard!

[weweregods]

This is a rebound realtionship, don't worry about it! Just prove you are the better girl by being agreeable, fun, happy, understanding, and forgiving. Don't bring up jealousy and bad stuff. Sooner or later, he will learn that you are the better girl, but you have to stay strong. You have to be the person that you were.

[kalari26267]

I know you are right! It is soo flipping hard though..just thinking he is kissing some other girl and who knows what else..makes me sick inside! So should I still stay friends with him or should i back off and just see what he does? I am hurting soo bad! The part that sucks is she has soo much in common with me...but yet I wasn't good enough and he didnt' see a future with me so he called it off..he doesn't see a future with her either but yet he is dating her...doesn't make sense to me!!ugh! I am soo frustrated over this! thanks though...I do appreciate the advice and someone to talk to about this