Is it okay if I vent about my mother here?

[mickleb]

Good! Because I feel like I'm going to pop today!

 

I'm 41 years old now but have had a strained relationship with her for most of my life. I can't really remember when it was just okay. I don't want to go into all the really awful things I feel she did and said to me, when I was a kid. There are a number of them, and I went to counselling for 6 years to process all that. It helped a lot.

 

I have tried, on occasion, to confront my Mum about this stuff and she has always become massively defensive. To the point where she has accused me of imagining events, etc. Pretty close to gaslighting-type behaviour, although I'm not sure how concious she is that she's doing this.

 

I studied hard so I could move away to university when I was 18. Due to financial difficulties 2 years ago, I moved back. Not in with my mum (who remarried when I was 18) but with my old Dad.

 

I think both my Mum and I made a huge effort to get on when I did this. In fact, she and her husband really helped me out by paying for me to do an additional part-time course that has helped, and will continue to help me to find work, pretty much anywhere in the world. I was really grateful for this and offered to pay back the money, but they refused to take it.

 

We have made great strides, I guess, and I suppose that I observe some of the things about her that used to really annoy me (fairly often, if I'm honest!) but they bother me much less now. I'm a much happier person that I used to be. But she got under my skin today.

 

I'm pretty ill at the moment. Just a cold, but a nasty one. It's been around for over a week, which is very unusual. It's got to the point where I'm deaf in one ear and have lost my voice. Not ideal for a language teacher! I texted her to ask if she could phone the doctor for me, to make an appointment, as I can't use the phone (I need my ear syringed, at least!) but she refused. She said my Dad could do it, or I could go down there myself. My Dad is almost completely deaf now and is a terrible phone-phobic, as well as being massively socially awkward and shy. It would have been an ordeal to watch him try. I have pretty much been in bed since last Friday, except for one day when I went to work and got much more ill. I really want to get better so I didn't want a wasted journey going to the doctor, using energy unnecessarily. I thought my Mum could help, and I really wouldn't have asked her if I didn't think she could've have helped me, fairly easily.

 

I know I'm unwell, but her refusal to do this for me just seemed to crack open the resentment that's clearly underneath our pasted-over bond.

 

I went to the doctor's and got an appointment for tomorrow. I'm back in bed using my energy to vent about this now!

 

I texted my Mum to give her an update but said, simply, that I was disappointed that she didn't help me. She then unleashed the beast on me, in frankly, a bitchy, rude, self-centred way. I remembered that she doesn't take criticism well but also knew that if I didn't say anything, my resentment would just grow. She's currently told me she's crying because of me and doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

 

My head hurts.

 

Many thanks if you made it this far.

[mrs rubble]

Vent away! She's being a meanie....does she realize she's older and may need your help in the future as her health deteriorates? maybe remind her?

Anyway get well soon.

[mickleb]

Thank you! Venting here can really help!

 

My mother went on via text for quite some time, then changed the subject. Yesterday she sent me a nice text asking how I was. My symptoms are no better, and there's little I can do about it, apparently, (ear is due to sinusitis, so no syringing!) So I explained this to her, saying it was depressing. She replied 'I thought you were depressed!' as though this was the sole reason I had criticised her!

 

I suppose it feels as though the foundations I thought we had built, in order to repair our relationship, in fact amount to little more than a dodgy plastering job. Maybe, there's been too much water under the bridge to realistically expect more?

 

I'm having one of those years. I've had to seriously question the behaviour of two of my three best friends, and now I can't be doing with my mother any more! Maybe I'm just becoming a bit more assertive about what I'll put up with and what I won't, nowadays? That's probably a good thing.

 

Thanks again, mrs rubble, for your kind words.

[Wolfcub]

Get well!

Your mom sounds so much like mine! We also are on constant love-war relationship. Sometimes its her, sometimes its me with my too good memory...