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My brother is slowly destroying my life and im not sure what to do.


teesta

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This may get somewhat long and may make me sound somewhat paranoid but i have no idea what else to do so any advice would be most welcome (in truth i think i am going insane with all these bad thoughts).

 

I am 1 year younger than my brother and all throughtout our lives i have been my parents favorite, the all round good girl a real angel for them to be proud of and frankly i have enjoyed being so as they are great parents and i love them both...but they have always treated him very differently almost as if he was not family.

I have always made a point of showing him as much affection as i could but since getting married and having my girl 4 years ago i sensed him getting more distant as my parents really began to make it clear just how pleased they were with me giving them a granchild and a husband they adore ... must have made him feel more of an outsider i guess.

 

 

OK so then 7 Months ago i gather he had some sort of check up at a local hospital and from this his blood results showed he could not be a child of my parents which got him thinking that maybe he was adopted and maybe this was why he had always been treated so differently anyway he kept this to himself and never told anyone but managed to gather some info from another relative (we have no cantact with usually) who told him the truth, our parents wanted a baby girl to adopt and when they found a woman locally through the church willing to give up her new born girl as her husband had died some months previous they were overjoyed until they were told this woman also wanted her son to hopefully be adopted into the same family.

 

 

I gather having wanted children for so long they were willing to take us both my brother and i but i am having a hard time coping with how if they knew they were not really keen on adopting a boy would they have done so anyway just to then treat him like second all the time but i have other things to worry my mind with so this will have to wait till later.

 

 

My brother tracked our real mother down only to find she was very ill and dying of cancer, in fact he only knew her for 2 months and then she passed away and it was only till 1 month after she died i found all this out, he turned up at my home drunk 4 months ago very late knowing my husband was not home saying he needed to talk and as i had sensed something had been very wrong with him of late i decided to let him in. I wish i had not he mumbled and made little sense and then he attacked me but i pushed him away so he grabbed my neck and just held me against the wall looking at me saying "it should have been different your not ther child" he touched my hair and i honestly dont know what would have happened had my daughter not woken and come into the kitchen.

 

 

The next day he called me and told me everything, i honestly didnt know what to feel as i know i felt nothing about the fact he told me our real mother had died, she was and still is a stranger to me and besides i have my mother still...is it right to feel like this. More than anything and with the previous nights events still in my mind all i could think was about him and my god he has been carrying all this around with him no wonder he has been so angry towards me.

 

I just need to get him some help of some sort as all he does is spend most of his spare time with my daughter who he says takes after our real mother, i have seen the pictures and the resemblence is somewhat unnerving and though i know he would never harm my daughter i still get the sense he harbours some very negative feeling towards me...especially as i now know he has played a part in causing my marriage to break up.

 

 

My husband works a very long hours job and we have had very little time to oursleves over these past 4 years and not really a night out to speak of so when my old school friends paid a suprise visit some months back i decided to go, it was a mistake they spent most of the time telling me i should have gone onto university and why did i need to marry and have a child so young... the night became depressing as it went on i did the only thing i could and drank too much to the point i ended up kissing a complete stranger who had been trying to ask my friend out all evening in the lift of this hotel at which point i thankfully came to me senses and put a stop to that and the whole night.

 

My friends left dissapointed and i doubt i will see them anytime soon ever, as for the kiss i thought it could be forgotten and put down to a mistake that could have ended everything for me only my husband found out from email someone sent him saying they had seen me at said hotel making out with a guy. He confronted me and i told him the truth after which he left and said he needed some time to think, a week later i think he had calmed down enough to come back at which point i remmeber mentioning this to my brother who said he thought it was grat and that all would work out fine...only it never did as my husband changed his mind............ and that was 5 months ago and he has not been back to see me or his daughter sinse.

 

Ths is why i think my brother is destoying my life, my husband had confided in him many months ago that he thought i might be having an affair to which my brother said dont be silly it is not like she ever goes out or anything.

Then a week later by chance he is on the other side of the city and bumps into my old friend and mentions they should come down and suprise me with a night out as it had been so long and if i know my friend right she having always had a crush on my brother would have agreed to pretty much anything.

 

 

Ok so maybe me getting drunk and snogging some stranger he may not have planned but i am pretty sure he was the one who sent the email to my husband after finding out from my friend what had happened during the evening, and then he sent a second one when my husband was about to come back...adding more details like how the guy had his hand up my dress and all sorts which must have angered my other half even more and changed his mind about coming back especially as he has been thinking i may have been having an affair before all this happend (like i would have the time to).

 

Does not get any better as now my parents are treating me like i have destroyed the family calm and my brother seems to have moved much higher up in regard to them as he is now seen as the one who is providing my daughter with a good male figure while my husband is not around, he is paying my bills..starting building work on my house which was meant to be a study for my husband but between him and my parents they have decided to make it into a room for my daughter. I am sure he is spreading rumours about me and just gerneally bad mouthing me all the while he spends all his time at my house with my daughter or with my daughter at my parents house.

I dont know what to do and how much to let him get away with doing this to me, as i really feel deep down i may deserve all this anyway, with him my parents and my husband who i miss and just want back.

I just feel like i am alone with really noone to turn to and get help and even if i did would i be believed as even i think half of this sounds crazy but most i just need a way to get my brother to get help with what is obviously a very disturbed mind at present sorted.

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:eek: Listen to me NO ONE DESERVES THIS-

 

Your situation sounds horrible, I cannot really help you but offer some sound advice. I think you need to do a number of very important things in your life:

 

(1) stand on your own; Tell your family that you love them but need to be able to stand on your two feet. Quite the renovation job . (Now is not the time to do major work on the house) it Financial suicided.

 

I hope you can stand on your own Financially (Truth be told your Husband should help it is his child too).

 

(2) It is clear that you love your, Brother but only he can decide to get help. If what you are saying is true (do not let him be your post) be independent and for the sake of your daughter limit exposer of her to him or be very GUARDED.

 

(3) Your husband might still come back, right now everything is a little to close to home. (You really did screw up with him)

 

I wish you luck..

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Do you have solid evidence that your brother has done things to ruin your life in the ways that you claim? If not, you may want to go get evidence.

 

As for thinking your brother needs help, he can get that himself. You are not obligated to get him aid for what he is going through. Yes, he is your family, but he is his own person at the same time.

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Your brother should not have gotten drunk and scared you, for sure, but it is not your brother's fault your marriage broke up. You should have been truthful with your husband about what happened that night. People need to be able to trust their partners and first you didn't tell him about it at all and then, when you did have to tell, you didn't tell the whole story.

 

You should have had enough trust between you that your husband would not believe any other stories your husband told. Why did your husband think you were having an affair anyway? Are you talking to him? Will he go to counselling with you?

 

Talk to your parents about your concerns that he's 'badmouthing' you. People who care about you will make every effort to give you the benefit of the doubt - as long as you are honest. If you've committed any other misdeeds, fess up and do so right away.

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Well thanx to the replys i guess a little more info may be needed.

 

The renovation work is being done at my brothers expense, this is what creeps me as it was supposed to be a study i think he genuinly feels that he has done enough to be rid of my husband.

 

As for solid evidence yes he sent the emails to my husbands email account which i have access to from my parents home which kinda makes me feel all the more sick, almost like he wanted me to know.

 

The incident in the hotel was basically this gentlemen kissing my friends goodbye and then me giving him a quick kiss which lasted all of less than 5 seconds and never would have amounted to anything more than a quick kiss but as he got a little carried away and tried to feel me i stopped especially as my firends were giving me wolf wistles. The reason i believe it is my brother is beacuse noone else was around and he could only have found out from one of my friends (i know which one).

 

I have no other misdeeds what so ever and the simple reason why my other half may believe i have cheated even though it was only a goddamn kiss is, 1 year ago whilst away at a buisness trip he had a drunken one night stand which he only told me about for the fact he did not wear any protection...... but only the morning after he had come home the night before and happily stuck his dick into me.

We had to get ourselves tested and thankfully all was clear but he has sinse then believed i would maybe cheat on him to get back at him which frankly i would never ever do and the only reason i stayed with him and didnt leave for making such a foolish mistake and risking both our health is that i believed him when he said it was a genuine mistake and also i had no wish to break up our family.

 

Actually has been very difficult as the back handed comments over the last year about if i ever did anything like this he would leave and it is not like i am the one under constant pressure from working and doing the long hours and having to be away from home sometimes, difficlut but at least i had the comfort in knowing he would never do anything like this agian.

 

The badmouthing i know he has done as a neighbour of mine told me that she had once cheated but her husband with some work came back and then handed me a card for a therapist they used...i barely know this woman and when i asked why she was under the impression she was...her answer was after some prodding that my brother had made a lighhearted comment whilst over borrowing a trimmer ( i dont recall him actually doing any gardening for me) that i had got a little tipsy on a all girls night out.

 

This is not information he should be sharing even if it were true, espiecially with people i barley know but all same would not want thinking bad of me, anyway she then went on to say her sister and my brother had been out a few times (really can work the charm when he wants to) and that if i ever needed to talk i could feel free to... was thinking perhaps mentioning my brother has a g/f of some 3 years may be appropriate but then she may just get angry with me also and then spread what he has told her to the rest of my neighbours (if she has not already) that is.

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I am so sorry that all this is happening to you. Your life sounds like a soap opra. I know because mine did to at one point.

 

1. Do you know where your husband is?

If so I would try to go talk to him.What you did could have been worse.And, everyone make mistakes.

 

2.Does your husband or your family know about the night your brother came to see you?

 

3.Do your parents know he found out about them wanting a girl? Or him finding your real mother?

 

He sould be angry at them for the way they treated him.Not you!

 

If they don't know he may just be setting them up. You know to turn around and hurt them emotionaly.

 

4. Does he bad mouth you to your daugter?

 

If so keep her away from him. She is the most important thing in this. You don't want her screwed up.

 

My husbands parent treated him different, again they wanted a girl which they had 3 years later. She is now the one they don't like. She is spending all they're money and is still living at home. He was kicked out at 18, we moved in together and had 3 kids and got married.After, about six months of him being gone, his mother started calling everyday to make sure he was ok. They got closer but he still resents them.

 

You need to keep you and your daughter safe. The rumors will go away. But, I would try to find your husband and work things out without or your family knowing.

KB

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The thing that bothers me most is that your husband hasn't been around to see you or your child for the last five months. You obviously married a loser.

 

I think your parents obviously have some issues, too. If they're going to show such favoritism toward one or the other then that puts both children in a bad position.

 

If I had solid proof that my brother did what you suggest he did, I probably wouldn't speak to my brother ever again. Not that kissing another man was the right thing to do, but he had no business getting involved - certainly not without talking to you first.

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Amer you dont know my husband so please dont call him a loser he is not, also Koala sorry to hear about your husband's situation has he never mangaed to forgive them if not this i feel does not bode well for my own family.

 

Well from my last post what is new is i have had several large arguments with my brother with the last one ending in me getting somewhat physical with him in which i basically told him that he would not be allowed to see my daughter again and if he tried i would tell our parents about us knowing the truth and or kill him (seemed appropriate at the time i had my hand round his neck).

 

He seemed to genuinely be sorry for spreading rumours and kept saying he was foolish for what he did but that from now on he would be OK (guess the threat worked) and as for telling our parents well he has beaten me to it, seemed he really lay on the whole tears and made them feel very very guilty (not that they should not) only why had they not mentioned anything to me i am left wondering, he even mentioned his role in my breakup BUT said he was feeling bitter and angry and they don't seem to mind much for what he did ...I'm frankly gob smacked at ther attitude.

 

The rest of our family seem to be taking my side though, i think it is because my parents relationship with my brother has as you all know been weak but the rest of our family (uncles, aunts and such) they have pretty much never had any sort of a bond with my brother at all and never showed any signs of changing this.

 

I have also managed to speak with my other half who has been spending as much time abroad as possible and he has agreed to come back at the end of the month to try and work things out.

 

OK so here are my problems HE wants to try and work things out...work what out i am wondering, he should come home apologize and then we can get on with being a happy family again.

 

Next i don't think i can stand my parents anymore, not after all this and though i genuinely feel like i would die if anything happened to my brother he has caused me to much pain and suffering for him to be a part of my life still or at least some time away from him.

 

I don't think i can shove things under the rug and get on with life where my parents and brother are concerned (though they seem happy to as long as no one mentions the previous 20+ years), i was hoping to do as much with my marriage but NOT this.

 

However, i would feel guilty at denying my brother access to my girl he is much to much in love with her and somehow i feel this is a way of my making up to him for the way he has always been treated, also i actually don't like the idea of leaving him with my parents without me also part of the picture ... i just don't trust him not to hurt them somehow as payback down the road.

 

I wont tell my other half about what my brother did as this will cause to much trouble and don't want him hurting my brother either, i could tell the rest of my family what he did but they seem to have little regard for him anyway.

 

I feel like either just breaking of from the family with or without husband and moving on, or try and use this as a complete fresh start for all as maybe now my parents are treating my brother so well i could play a part in making him closer to everyone else and maybe this will also go along way to him feeling less of an outsider .... but i don't see this happening without some serious soul baring on all fronts, how can i go about this.

 

What do you guys think, is it possible to change the habits of so many people and bring us all much closer or are my expectations unrealistic and should i just cut loose.

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